I'm in a very dark spot right now. Existence seems to be becoming more and more of a burden on me, and I find myself increasingly angry and frustrated
As of 3 weeks ago I'll be clean, except for weed and alcohol. This is coming off my last heroin run. A bit of background; I had some serious issues going on with my ex-gf. We have had numerous on and off periods of varying levels. Problems seem to center many times around drugs. Well this last time, it hit especially hard. I had gone back to using, after an off period spurred by rehab. While initially angry, she was supportive and talked and wrote to me while I was away. Well I relapsed pretty fast, and we eventually had arguments which drove her away yet again. We got pretty close, and I'm now aware she can tell when I'm using and when not pretty easily.
Anyhow, we didn't talk for a bit, but then started hanging out again after she had a negative experience with some guy. Things seemingly were ok for a bit, but then we went to hang out with one of her old friends, who was a guy. After going nearly insane trying to reconcile hanging out with her and facilitating a relationship vs not and feeling alone, they started going out. This all came about a few days before my bday. All of what had happened had been too much for me; I started using more and more dope, in part because she hated it, in part because I was self medicating, and in part because it just made me feel happy. Of course, this whole time she goes around spreading my business to people, declaring in public and shit that I shoot up, and asking loudly if I still do it. Part of me seemed to think she wasn't over me, but her going out and obsessing over a new guy combined with me feeling like I enabled it was too much to handle. I have very little luck with girls, and it's probably the contributing factor to my low self esteem, disgust for society, and desire to isolate and avoid people
Well I kept my run going, ignoring her and trying to just isolate. This all came to a head at the end of may. I'm not gonna go too in depth, but I picked up another possession charge. On top of probation in different areas, including the county I got the new charges in. Cops locked me up, towed my car, took my phone and money, and basically ruined my life, or so it seems now. I was already on thin ice with my mom at home, and the day after a drug related argument I get booked again. I did get to use my phone for about 2 mins before the cops took it, and I think my ex left a hysterical voicemail. Either way, I ended up in a clinic and partial rehab program, cuz I had nothing and no idea what to do
This all is just too fucking much for me to deal with. I'm on thin ice, I barely was able to come home, and I only was able to because I have nowhere else to go. Before this happened I had just started a job about 3-4 weeks beforehand. I was loving it, despite using constantly I was completely functional, made work every day, was well liked, etc. I supposedly still have my job, but I'm waiting for my boss to find me something to do on the job. They released my car, but my mom has the keys, so I am immobile. What money I had left was either taken by the cops or my mom. Cops still have my phone, may not get it back for several months at least. I'm facing new charges, on top of being on probation and a diversion program for 1st time offenders, which the court is trying to revoke. I'm still involved in this whole treatment charade, which honestly I'm only doing to try and look better for the courts and not live in a shelter or on the streets. I hate these treatment types, I hate being told I should go to NA/AA meetings, people setting me up for failure cuz I drink an occasional beer or smoke some weed.
I'm kinda at my wits end here. I've been trying more and more to socially isolate. I haven't attempted to contact my ex, especially since she's with this guy and a bad confrontation might set me off. I found out the other day she blocked me on instant messenger, so in response I've cut off all social networking sites I used. I also have mixed feelings. I go from angry to depressed to guilty to apathetic, then restart the cycle all over. The worst part is she is probably the one thing keeping me sober. I still have some stupid little hope I can fix things, which really isn't based in anything. I feel completely replacable and worthless over all that's happened. I really want to just say fuck you to everyone and everything, I don't know what I'm struggling so hard for. I feel as if I'm a victim of society, the black market, and ignorance. I was completely functional while using, more so than many sober spells I've had. Because my drug of choice happens to be illegal, I have to be penalized? Because society can't open its eyes, I'm a criminal and a bad guy? I feel as if I'm living up to expectations of people and institutions which continuously take, while never giving back a thing. I feel as if I've been robbed by the "legal" system, seizing property of mine because of a substance in my car. I'm extremely resentful that my work has been so affected by these events. On top of missing 2 weeks, I also have court dates galore, meaning I'll have to ask to take off from a job I just started.
I really want to get high, but I feel like doing so is only going to make me feel guilty, worthless, and just exacerbate all these swirling emotions regarding my ex. For a long while she was my best friend, the person I'd always talk to or go to hang out with. She is quite young and rather immature, but I never got that close to anyone, especially since I'm quite introverted and tend to keep quiet and to myself in most situations. I really hate dealing with this all sober too. Even if I tried seeking out a high, I'm broke and I refuse to steal or wrong anyone for a drug again, I don't need more bad karma. I also want a new tattoo quite bad, more than drugs, but once again I'm broke and immobile. I really only have one friend I call, since most I either don't have their number, live too far for me to get to, or am too ashamed or guilty to try and contact now. Smoking has definitely helped me be somewhat more social recently, and cope a bit, but due to this legal bullshit I'm most likely gonna have to stop sometime soon, coming up hot for weed would be pretty dumb esp. given the circumstances
Is there any winning? I don't see a thing that's positive in my future, save that one day I might have enough money to flee this shithole country to somewhere that doesn't treat you like some kind of rabid dog for using drugs, especially in a personal, nonviolent, and safe environment(I'm big on harm reduction and safety when using)
As of 3 weeks ago I'll be clean, except for weed and alcohol. This is coming off my last heroin run. A bit of background; I had some serious issues going on with my ex-gf. We have had numerous on and off periods of varying levels. Problems seem to center many times around drugs. Well this last time, it hit especially hard. I had gone back to using, after an off period spurred by rehab. While initially angry, she was supportive and talked and wrote to me while I was away. Well I relapsed pretty fast, and we eventually had arguments which drove her away yet again. We got pretty close, and I'm now aware she can tell when I'm using and when not pretty easily.
Anyhow, we didn't talk for a bit, but then started hanging out again after she had a negative experience with some guy. Things seemingly were ok for a bit, but then we went to hang out with one of her old friends, who was a guy. After going nearly insane trying to reconcile hanging out with her and facilitating a relationship vs not and feeling alone, they started going out. This all came about a few days before my bday. All of what had happened had been too much for me; I started using more and more dope, in part because she hated it, in part because I was self medicating, and in part because it just made me feel happy. Of course, this whole time she goes around spreading my business to people, declaring in public and shit that I shoot up, and asking loudly if I still do it. Part of me seemed to think she wasn't over me, but her going out and obsessing over a new guy combined with me feeling like I enabled it was too much to handle. I have very little luck with girls, and it's probably the contributing factor to my low self esteem, disgust for society, and desire to isolate and avoid people
Well I kept my run going, ignoring her and trying to just isolate. This all came to a head at the end of may. I'm not gonna go too in depth, but I picked up another possession charge. On top of probation in different areas, including the county I got the new charges in. Cops locked me up, towed my car, took my phone and money, and basically ruined my life, or so it seems now. I was already on thin ice with my mom at home, and the day after a drug related argument I get booked again. I did get to use my phone for about 2 mins before the cops took it, and I think my ex left a hysterical voicemail. Either way, I ended up in a clinic and partial rehab program, cuz I had nothing and no idea what to do
This all is just too fucking much for me to deal with. I'm on thin ice, I barely was able to come home, and I only was able to because I have nowhere else to go. Before this happened I had just started a job about 3-4 weeks beforehand. I was loving it, despite using constantly I was completely functional, made work every day, was well liked, etc. I supposedly still have my job, but I'm waiting for my boss to find me something to do on the job. They released my car, but my mom has the keys, so I am immobile. What money I had left was either taken by the cops or my mom. Cops still have my phone, may not get it back for several months at least. I'm facing new charges, on top of being on probation and a diversion program for 1st time offenders, which the court is trying to revoke. I'm still involved in this whole treatment charade, which honestly I'm only doing to try and look better for the courts and not live in a shelter or on the streets. I hate these treatment types, I hate being told I should go to NA/AA meetings, people setting me up for failure cuz I drink an occasional beer or smoke some weed.
I'm kinda at my wits end here. I've been trying more and more to socially isolate. I haven't attempted to contact my ex, especially since she's with this guy and a bad confrontation might set me off. I found out the other day she blocked me on instant messenger, so in response I've cut off all social networking sites I used. I also have mixed feelings. I go from angry to depressed to guilty to apathetic, then restart the cycle all over. The worst part is she is probably the one thing keeping me sober. I still have some stupid little hope I can fix things, which really isn't based in anything. I feel completely replacable and worthless over all that's happened. I really want to just say fuck you to everyone and everything, I don't know what I'm struggling so hard for. I feel as if I'm a victim of society, the black market, and ignorance. I was completely functional while using, more so than many sober spells I've had. Because my drug of choice happens to be illegal, I have to be penalized? Because society can't open its eyes, I'm a criminal and a bad guy? I feel as if I'm living up to expectations of people and institutions which continuously take, while never giving back a thing. I feel as if I've been robbed by the "legal" system, seizing property of mine because of a substance in my car. I'm extremely resentful that my work has been so affected by these events. On top of missing 2 weeks, I also have court dates galore, meaning I'll have to ask to take off from a job I just started.
I really want to get high, but I feel like doing so is only going to make me feel guilty, worthless, and just exacerbate all these swirling emotions regarding my ex. For a long while she was my best friend, the person I'd always talk to or go to hang out with. She is quite young and rather immature, but I never got that close to anyone, especially since I'm quite introverted and tend to keep quiet and to myself in most situations. I really hate dealing with this all sober too. Even if I tried seeking out a high, I'm broke and I refuse to steal or wrong anyone for a drug again, I don't need more bad karma. I also want a new tattoo quite bad, more than drugs, but once again I'm broke and immobile. I really only have one friend I call, since most I either don't have their number, live too far for me to get to, or am too ashamed or guilty to try and contact now. Smoking has definitely helped me be somewhat more social recently, and cope a bit, but due to this legal bullshit I'm most likely gonna have to stop sometime soon, coming up hot for weed would be pretty dumb esp. given the circumstances
Is there any winning? I don't see a thing that's positive in my future, save that one day I might have enough money to flee this shithole country to somewhere that doesn't treat you like some kind of rabid dog for using drugs, especially in a personal, nonviolent, and safe environment(I'm big on harm reduction and safety when using)
