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Desperate junkie PLEASE HELP!!!!!

W

WasteLand Warrior

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2015
Messages
84
Location
Midwest
so first off let me say im on day 3 off heroin and JUST WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DIE!!!!! i feel like absolute shit no sleep, restless everything, pounding head, hot n cold n sneezing and you guys know the rest!!! so first let me tell you ive been shooting dope for 12 yrs more years either strung out, dope sick in jail, or rehab. well i finally got out of my legal issues in april no papers nothing!!! so i stay sober for a month get a job and started doing dope AGAIN for the hundredth time!!!! i get a good job, start making friends meet a great guy and throw it all away!!! For what???!! so anyways i lost 3 jobs since april because of my drug use!! So this is what finally made me realize I NEED TO CHANGE but im soooooo scared i feel soooooo alone ive lost everything my job, my boyfriend my friends my family my dignity!!! I HONESTLY HATE MYSELF!!! so i went to work sunday so loaded on zannies and dope i was nodding out uncontrollably in front of everyone my boyfriend included i got fired on the spot so being a bright junkie i cant go home and let everyone know i got fired so i go to Panera bread and nod out face first in my food i cant tell u what i was passed out in face first but i woke up to 2 police officers picking my face out of food. I hate pigs but these to officers were the nicest guys! in my book bag i had dope, rigs, an 8th of loud and they did'nt even search me they just dropped me off at home. to my mother where so retold me every last embarassing detail of the shit i did that day!!! so i woke up dope sick, hopeless, miserable but so lucky i woke up in my bed and not county jail. so my mom went thru my shit threw out all my stuff including my suboxone!!!!!!! so im cold turkeying it yet again but at least i got bud!!!! i want sooooooooooooooooooo bad to be happy, normal and healthy!!! i have a couple dollars its not like i cant get dope I DON'T WANT DOPE!!! its taking every last ounce of energy and will power not to cop but i don't wanna start over!!! I'm sick of losing everything im sick of being a strung out loser im soooo alone and in pain and i hate myself PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!! Any advice and kind words i need motivation i need support!!!! I wanna do this cold turkey with nothing i just wanna get normal any homeopathic remedies would be welcomed!!!! Thank you
 
NO methodone NO subs i don't wanna prolong the enevitable!!! i just wanna get this over with!!! im sick of substituting and wasting money and if i don't have whatever im a worthless piece of shit!!!! i just need IDK support, kind words something i just wanna die i feel like this is never gonna end!!! i look like death black circles under my eyes, black eye from my last misadventure i don't even know how the fuck it happened!!! scraggly dirty junkie chick bun all matted n dreadlocked from a week of not washing and brushing it!! grey green skin jaunt junkie cheek bones, sweats that i havent changed since i started detoxing 3 days ago i look like a broken, shell void of any emotion, feelings, thoughts im Ohhhhh Sooooooo lost!!!! i just wanna be a normal `functioning human being!!!!! i just wanna feel good go out with friends for cocktails, have a couple extra dollars in my pocket, look like a lady and carry myself with my head held high!! i want to be able to go out and enjoy shit and conversation and people and care and love and feel!!! I wanna laugh and truly smile can i ever do that again?? am i capable of it???? after 12 years of use n abuse n destroying myself to fragments, shards of who i used to be can i rebuild myself??!! AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH i just wanna scream, flip out, freak out or die something!!!! Sorry for going on a tangent!!! Thank you for listening leave a response if u can relate give me ideas words of encouragement anything!!!!
 
I was where you are a year ago. Now I'm 11 months clean and life has changed for the better completely. This time last year I was living at my Moms and trying to get off methadone/heroin and truly felt like I had reached a point of such utter pain and desperation that I went away to treatment right after Christmas. I have successfully kicked cold turkey in the past and made it through the physical pain but this time I could not, the methadone was too strong and I kept relapsing on H. So I went to detox medically but it can be done at home obviously, people do it all the time.

The good news is you have a lot of good things to look forward to even if it seems unfathomable right now. The way you feel today won't be how you feel in a week and I'd bet money that if you stay clean you will feel really good in a month. Here are some of the things you have to look forward to if you push through these WD's and don't use no matter what.

-Looking better, having energy, thinking more clearly, having feelings again, feeling more connected to life and other people.

-Having less money problems, gaining your families trust back, possibly getting a job, exploring new hobbies.

-Experiencing a lot of small beauties in life like seeing a hummingbird, a beautiful sunset, or even being out in public and feeling like you are an equal to everyone else, no better, no worse. You will regain your humanity.

-Typically if you stay clean life won't get worse. I mean you will still have some bad days and tough days but the overall trend will be upward and really things can get a whole lot better quicker than you might think.

-You'll have the opportunity to pursue what you want in life, stuff like owning a home, starting a family, dating, marriage, going to school. All that normal life shit.

-You won't have to ever go through WD's again if you don't want to. You won't have that monkey on your back and have to risk your freedom and life to stay well.

All in all recovery is a wonderful gift and right now what you are going through is not in vain, it is so far from meaningless. This is some real life shit, a person, hanging on to h.o.p.e. (hold on pain ends), and making a major life change. It is admirable and achievable. I know for myself though I needed support like bluelight, NA, AA, prayer, family, etc. Truly I could not have gone through what you are going through and still be clean 11 months later. Now I have a full time job, a license again, my car back, I'm in the best shape of my life, more money than I'm use to, a real relationship with God and family/friends, freedom from from the slavery of opiates, etc.

"i just wanna be a normal `functioning human being!!!!! i just wanna feel good go out with friends for cocktails, have a couple extra dollars in my pocket, look like a lady and carry myself with my head held high!! i want to be able to go out and enjoy shit and conversation and people and care and love and feel!!! I wanna laugh and truly smile can i ever do that again?? am i capable of it????"

The answer is yes. Stay on the rise! Don't give in, you will feel so much better sooner then you think. You will come out the other side of this. God Bless.
 
Thank you Get2think i needed the encouraging words you definatley gave me hope!!! and update even though its a small step i mustered all the strength i had and took a bath and actually washed my grimey knotted bird nest of hair LOL i didn't brush it though maybe tomorrow i dont have anymore strength left!!! still in junkie fashion i washed myself and put the same dirty dope sick sweats on there the only comfy warm cozy clothes i have here gotta cut me some slack!!!! just for today i wont do dope!!!!! although im out of weed and my dudes blowing me off n im starting to freak out THATS MY ONLY COMFORT!!!!!! im just going crazy i cant get comfortable i cant sleep i cant focus on anything dont wanna and haven't even looked at my phone don't wanna talk to anyone cant watch t.v. WTF me venting on this is the only thing keeping me sane!!!
 
Well WastelandWarrior, there's no way around what you're going thru. Normally it would be nice if you were in detox and getting meds to help you feel better but I hear ya, some people prefer to go thru it alone. You can take immodium. The drug in it is an opiate it just doesn't work in brain like other opiates. I read about this couple years ago and was going thru it so bought some and took the 20 he suggested and I thought I was gonna get constipated like crazy but I didn't and it was amazing. Made me feel better in like 30 min. Some people use DXM (Robutussium) I can't give you a dosage but it helps. Take at least 100mg. These are just things I've learned here and on web. I've never been dope sick from H but my best friend was a H junkie and he came off that and Sub at same time cold turkey and he's 5 yrs clean and has an awesome life. I've been around recovery for 9 years and I've seen people's lives transformed. If support group stuff ain't your thing it's ok. If you stop using your life will get better, gaurutees!!! I know you feel like shit right now but you gotta get thru it. And like another member said, no more withdrawals and no more embarresing events you don't remember. You getting on this site and reaching out for help is a huge step!!! You wanna get better, I can tell. But only you can do it. Sweat thru that shit and it will be over soon. Weed will help but ultimately you wanna try to be distance free. That's when you'll feel you best but I'm a weed advocate so do what you gotta do. I will be thinking and praying for you and if you ever want to vent and get shit off your chest, I will listen. Just PM me if you can. I'm with you and I believe in you and I know you can do it!!!! Hang tight and be safe!!
 
I guess we're on the same boat. I'm a schizophrenic drug addict with hypertension and tachycardia. My parents won't even let me use the car because they think I'll just drive off to the doctors or dealers. They're about to kick me out of the house actually and for that reason, I need to find transport so I can get my ass to the hospital/institution/jail. I'm also gotta put as much shit into my car and drive it to the institution. I ain't as addicted to you. I smoked crystal meth once and I think I might do it again. Nobody can help you actually. The only thing they can do is tell you to stop doing the shit you're doing. Like I tried to get help but help ain't coming. My therapist just sits there being a stupid POS telling me to stop doing drugs. My doctor sees me for 2 minutes, gives me my scripts and kicks me out the door. I even give them a $30 copay which I could use for food and shit so what the hell am I doing. As someone whose going through the same shit as you, I can tell you that no one can help you except for you. The only thing that you and I can do is wait and die or commit suicide or kill someone else. There is nothing else, I'm telling you that. You could apply for disability, medical care, and food stamps and then check yourself into a hospital or institution. That's what I'm doing and I suggest you do the same thing. Cuz you can't work in your condition I know. If there is anything that you should do it's this: Grab all your shit and drive yourself to the hospital! I'm sorry you're going through this. If it's any help, you can still message me and I will reply if I'm not already dead. But best of luck to you man!
 
youve made it this far, as bad as it is, the physical aspect is hours away from its worst if it hasnt reached that point yet.

it can only get easier from here man, the best replacement therapy is willpower. stay away from a substitute addiction.
 
willpower? have you even taken drugs man? did you not read his post? he's been a heroin addict. he needs suboxone, not just willpower
 
The acute withdrawal will subside in a few days on it's own. Then the hard part will start. You need to get into counseling and seeing a phychiatrist. Then you need to start building a sober support system. Many people find NA a great place for this. Of you do all that and focus all your energy on staying off heroin than you will have a chance at staying clean.

That's the best case scenerio rosy picture. The more realistic scenerio is that the odds are stacked way against you. I know for me methadone is the only thing that has helped me. I went from a situation that sounds much like yours to having a stable life in 5 months thanks to methadone. Maintenance is statistically your best option to stay clean. Just something to think about.
 
I hope you're feeling a little better since my last post. You're a brave woman for wanting to go cold turkey. My suggestion is still DXM but a small dose. If you take too much you'll trip and probably think about your life too much but at lower levels it can be really helpful with Withdrawl. I find the pills work better than the liquid cough syrup. I can't really anything. Hot tea always helps me and is soothing. Secondly, I've been around recovery for 9 yrs now. I've relapsed a bunch but I stay in it cause you think you're so alone and you'll go to a meeting and find s roomful of people who are just like you. Some better some worse but all addicts who have had same experiences. That's were I get most comfort. It's not for everybody and don't let God scare you away. It's not church. Any God you choose will do. I would also find a dr to talk to cause most drug addicts have an underlying problem. I'm just speaking from my own experience. That's all. I wish I had some advice that will make you feel better but I don't. I do know if you make it thru Withdrawl and stay clean everything in your life will improve. I have a best friend who was a H junkie and 4 months outa rehab he met his wife and they had a child 3 years ago so all this has happened in his 5 yr clean time. It can happen. Drugs are so powerful mentally. You go thru hell of Withdrawl and make it thru and some people go right back to it. It's soooo mentally pulling. But I've met dozens of people over the years who have overcame it. You can too. Just bein out here asking for help is an act of someone who wants to get clean. I'm rooting for you and here for help. Drop in and let us know how you're doing. Take care and be safe!!
 
I'm so sorry that you are going through a hellish time at the moment.

There are 3 truths to remember when you're feeling worthless.

1. You are valuable for who you are, not what you do. You were created exclusively and because of that, you are valuable. There were no flaws in your design and no errors in your construction. You are custom designed and fully loaded and because of that, you have immeasurable worth.

2. You have gifts, embrace them. Every person has gifts or strengths. If you don't know yours, then I'd encourage you to ask family members and friends this question. Those answers identifying your area of giftedness, will help you understand the truth that you are not invaluable and that you do have a lot to offer your family and the world.

3. You weren't meant to do this alone. I challenge you to be honest with trusted friends and family. Share your struggles with them and let them help to carry your burdens. Let them help to encourage you and bring you back from the black hole into the light.

I can empathise with you to some extent regarding withdrawal. Such a horrible and nasty place to be.

Humans have amazing powers of adaptation and their body can adjust to functioning even when the individual is using a toxic drug such as Heroin. You can find the strength to fight through this period of readjustment.

Fight for 4 days, then 5, then a whole week. You will start to feel better soon and will see the situation a lot more clearly.

I wholeheartedly understand your fear and self loathing. It is truly debilitating but you CAN rise above this and be the shining star that you know you can be.

Distraction techniques can make a huge difference when dealing with withdrawal. Read, listen to music, cook or even have a rant to us here on BL about random things.

Write yourself a letter, clearly outlining your reasons for wanting to stop, as well as any aspirations that you have for the future.

You need to be 100% committed and your mental attitude is paramount to your inevitable success.

Dig deep sweetheart, you're a fighter, a warrior and can do this. I have every faith in you.

Stay safe x
 
Miley Wilzy just said it all especially about asking family your good traits. That feeling of worthlessness will subside with the Withdrawl then you might be depressed. Seek help and it will be so much easier but like I said Milzy Wilzy said it all. Great post!
 
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