Depression, zoloft and few other bits...

[Es mum]

I've been focusing so much on my oh that i forget that i actually have an addiction of my own. I'll go back to start or somewhere there... when still a baby my parents divorced, i never knew my dad, he didn't visit much and then we moved countries when i was 9, and i wrote to him but never got anything back. Went back there for a holiday when i was 19, met up with him and he stood me up on the second time, so only got to see him for an hr or so. I'd love to know what he thought of me, but i'll never know as he's died last yr. My mum married and to a great guy who abused me, (i was 10) when she found out she blamed me, took me away but then not too long after they patched things up and were back together. Needless to say i felt like shit and didn't want to be around him but had to. I always got evil looks from her. She kept telling me to watch it, etc. It was hell. Don't think she cared too much, she'd leave me with him alone at times. Anyway, marriage didn't last too much longer and she blamed me for ruining it. I was about 12-13. She then got heavy on gambling leaving me to care for my much younger 2 brothers. Things i got were usually second hand, she never spent much on me, or my brothers.

I remember i spent a lot of time at home in my room, with high school it was easier to stay in there as id have enough homework to keep me in there and away from her giving me house jobs, and i had a lot of them. I guess looking back, i was depressed, but i never let myself get too low. I did hit some lows, but i'd pick myself up again. Did think about suicide but never did anything about it. I had a circle of friends, they were the goodies, who didn't do anything like go out and party, we were i guess u'd call a boring group. But it suited me, plus i didn't go out much. I prefered to stay in my room.

When i was maybe 13-14, mum finally let me get a pup, and that dog was my life for over a yr and i had to give him up, he was big, i wasn't allowed to let him inside, he had a small area in the back of the yard, it all sucked and our 2-3walks a day just didn't cut it for me, i wanted to have him around for longer. Anyway, he was taken. When i was 16 i was given a chihuahua pup from mums friends and he was my baby, my life, always with me, slept in my bed. Was the best, not long after i moved out of home.... long story but when he was 8 he was picked up by the pound and put down before i was able to find him. It killed me and still does and to a huge extent, i don't let anyone get too close, including my kids, which sucks i know... i can't deal with pain, so i've shut it all out.

It was only after i was married that i found out from a shrink that i wasn't to blame for all the shit mum blamed me for and i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was put on zoloft. I got off when pregnant and then after a house robbery i had to go back on it. I've been up and down on it for yrs and about 2-3yrs back i tried to get off as i don't want to be depended on anything but after about 3wks i started to get angry, small things would annoy me. It was bad, i got to a point where i was ready to kill someone and dr told me i had to go back on it and that it would be part of the rest of my life. Not what i want, though i do need it. I was on a small dose of 50mg but went to 100mg few mths back after being pregnant and my oh were just getting too much. I know i should be on higher but i don't want to.

At times i have thought about starting up drinking, i'm 35 and only ever been drunk a small number of times, i'd say in single digits. I probably would if it wasn't so costly. I have 3 kids and my dogs which keeps me busy and keeps me going. Many times i wouldn't get out of bed if it wasn't for them.

I do wonder what others would have done in my situation. My youngest brother didn't have it as bad as me and he turned to drugs. I just think life is too short to waste. This is y i can't understand my oh, he just works and is always broke and has nothing.

What makes me be like this? Insane?? Nuts?

I do wonder if there's more that hasn't been diagnosed in me. With having a baby now dr's are more intrested in me and i'll be seeing a counsellor next wk. I guess i'll be told zoloft will be part of me for life. I've read few years back that some are stuck too. Is it possible to get off it? Anyone on it?

Just wanted to share and see what others think...

 

[fivelinefury]

Hey m8, first off, you ain't insane or nuts, you're human

I'm 26 (almost 27), and have been battling with drug/alcohol abuse & addictions since I was about 18. (started only alcohol when 16 sometimes), and strongly urge you to not start drinking! Even though things just happen, if I could turn back time I probably would have never tried all the drugs and alcohol. I've also been on a few different anti-depressants and have been on 200mg of Zoloft for about 1 year now. I also wish I could not be taking it at times, but there's no point beating yourself up if you need to take a medication. If it is helping you and has been prescribed to you, then it's fine! There are heaps and heaps of people out there who never tell anyone of the medication(s) they are actually on.

I can't relate to all of what you have wrote, but i'm glad to hear that you're aware of the things which have occurred in your life and have talked to a psychologist. I am diagnosed with depression, general anxiety and social anxiety disorders, and can relate to realising I was depressed and anxious when I was a kid, but wasn't aware of what it was back then.

It's always possible for anyone to get off any medication, or reduce the dose, but with stopping a drug (or starting a drug) always comes with negatives and positives. Now i'll admit that I've never been a fan of anti-depressant medications, to the point that it took me to go through a breakdown and stop functioning for months, basically partly because I was too stubborn to change and start a medication such as the zoloft. But if there are too many negatives when you stop or reduce this medication, then stay on it IMO. Or at least always make sure you talk to your doctor before ever changing the dose. Anti-depressants like zoloft don't work for everyone and for people like me, it does make a difference enough that I have to continue to take it for now. So just try to take things day by day, and not think too much about "the rest of your life" taking Zoloft.

It's good to hear that you're kept busy with your kids! Always try to keep yourself busy, as exercise is great for the aid of depression. All the best!

 

[herbavore]

Your story of your childhood is heartbreaking. That is a lot to recover from or even sort through. Counseling would probably help you immensely with the right person--that can be hard to find but well worth the effort.

Is the reason you want to be off Zoloft that you think it isn't helping or you just think you shouldn't be on it for life? With everything you are dealing with now and all the heaviness of your past pressing up against you AND a new baby, I would advise not worrying about the Zoloft unless it is causing you problems right now.

Much love to you

 

[cire113]

man you guys should just keep taking zoloft its good if anything... I stopped my anti depressant few months ago and life is 5x harder more stressful...

Don't feel guilty taking it...

 

[fivelinefury]

^ Yeah this is true man. I used to hate everything about anti-depressant medications, but I think the main thing which I don't like and disagree with nowadays is the way in which doctors are trained to basically prescribe them to treat anything. Hence the reason why the anti-depressants get the reputation of not working for everyone, because half the time they aren't prescribed for depression.

 

[Es mum]

Thanks everyone. I think i'll be on it for at least as long as mum is alive. She's a total bitch, i really don't know how the 3 of us survived. I did forget to say earlier that once we moved to australia our family consisted of mum and us 3 kids, so noone really to turn to.

I'll give you an example of my life with our dopey mum, today she drops in, she never calls, just turns up to see what i'm up to so she can pick on me. So she comes over and my good brother was over, she starts of fine, then says she's depressed and stressed and starts to cry saying she should just kill herself. I ask her what's stressing her, could it be the free holidays her friend is constantly taking her on? Is she getting bored with going to qld, or nsw or the boat cruises? To which she said it was not fun cos he drinks a lot, and something about going to tahiti. So i told her it's her life, her choices and then she started with how its my fault. She kept going on blaming me, then turned it to how my life is shit and that my kids suffer, etc. Then she turned on my brother. Of course my drug bro is an angel, he's best, only does bad things like pulling a knife on my brother and robbing my house, when on drugs, but that's ok. When my brother asked her why she came over, and if it was to just pick on me, she denied it, but that's all she does. Even said she'd still be married if it wasn't for me. It's funny how she thinks she was a great mum and when i remind her of the shit she did to me she doesn't remember it and says that never happened. Another thing i forgot to add in first post is that she used to beat the crap out of me. I was such a good child, never caused problems, not like my youngest brother. My grades were always high, never below c's, yet i was beaten a lot. And she'd use anything in reach. My fave memory was when one day i was washing dishes and can't remember why but she went to kick me and slipped on the floor and fell. loved it. But laughing would only get u more hits. My step dad was very protective of his son, only B is his, my youngest bro. I remember once i laughed at something, i think B hurt himself while being stupid, and i got picked up and thrown into the wall. It was great. It's no wonder me and S are closer, we coped most of the shit. B actually never got smacked, she later told me she realised it wasn't needed. Nice, glad to be her testing dummy.

I don't smack my kids, they're actually spoilt rotten, i just hope that doesn't make them bad people or make them do stupid things. I'm sure my oldest will be fine, she's a tough cookie and smart, but my son is very sensitive and his dads mind games are stuffing him, things that helped with my daughter are not working with him and i worry about him. Doesn't help that if my mum is around when he goes into his sooky stage, she picks on him really bad calling him stupid, idiotic behaviour, etc. So we end up in a fight again. I told her today that i don't want her to ever come over again, when she came i just got baby E to sleep and she comes in and yells, lucky he sleeps through it, but that stress is not needed around. I have many times stayed away from her mths at a time, but i feel bad for kids, they should know their grandma, shoudn't they? She can be great with them and takes them swimming and some other places. It all sucks. No wonder i'm so screwed up and being with my partner is mainly me punishing me, which i seem to do a lot.

Maybe i need to go up again on my tabs. I've supressed a lot...........

 

[Es mum]

^ Yeah this is true man. I used to hate everything about anti-depressant medications, but I think the main thing which I don't like and disagree with nowadays is the way in which doctors are trained to basically prescribe them to treat anything. Hence the reason why the anti-depressants get the reputation of not working for everyone, because half the time they aren't prescribed for depression.

So true, they hand them out like lollies, they don't even care what the problem is, they don't offer mental help, just drugs and on your way.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

OMG!!!!What a horrible person your so called mother is!...Im sorry but the term "mother" comes from actually being one! NOT JUST POPPING A BABY OUT!....WHy dont people have to have a licence to have a child?...This piece of shit you call your mum is the one whos nuts and insane mate...My god you sound extremely smart and together concidering what she gave you as a childhood...You owe her nothing...SHe cant talk to your child like that hun, Its abuse...You dont call chldren "stupid"...Even thoughyou have a horrific time mate...Try not to be a victim..Easier said than done but...try...I dont know what else to say...Im sorry for saying harsh things but im having a dark day too and shit like this just pisses me off....All the best.....

 

[Es mum]

Thanks Kirsty, it's hard cos society says your mum is ur no.1 and a person to turn to and respect etc. but then being treated like shit by her puts me in conflict. I don't want that treatment but she's my mum. But i think it's time again to say bye to her and not see her anymore, she doesn't deserve to have us around.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Thanks Kirsty, it's hard cos society says your mum is ur no.1 and a person to turn to and respect etc. but then being treated like shit by her puts me in conflict. I don't want that treatment but she's my mum. But i think it's time again to say bye to her and not see her anymore, she doesn't deserve to have us around.

Shit hun, ..I dont know what to say...Words just dont seem to to cut it...

 

[fivelinefury]

^^ Hmm, sorry to hear Es mum. It's sad stuff but, dunno what ya do. You sound a little like my girlfriend. She hasn't talked to her mum for years. From what she's told me it was due to her mum living off cask wine and beating her, and probably a heap of other stuff I haven't heard. My girlfriend has 3 kids and I think she's a great mum. She doesn't drink either which is good!