Mental Health Depression, Social Anxiety, And a Bad Break up.

[ovenbakedskittles]

Im 20 years old. Im going through a bad break up right now and its really taking a toll on me and everything in my life. I understand im young, i dont have a lot of experience with relationships and break ups and that there is many people if not everyone that has to go through something similar to this. But i feel like there are certain aspects of my situation that are a little bit different than a lot of other people. I could be wrong, but thats how i feel.

I always felt like the "loner" in school. I had friends that i hung out with during lunch and stuff and had many acquaintances but i was always known as the quiet kid. I was painfully shy throughout my whole life, and still am. I feel like this shyness really affected me and made me feel isolated from the people around me. Not just friends but family too. Growing up i had close relationships with a few of my cousins but as we got older they became more difficult to open up to. I eventually got to the point where i find it very difficult to talk to pretty much everybody in my family and everybody i come across in my everyday life. To be honest, i feel like its gotten worse...

Ever since i was about 10-12 years old i had this desire that increased as i got older; the desire for companionship and an intimate relationship. I felt like if i were to be in a relationship with a girl that i had strong feelings for than i would be happy in life... Sounds like a common thing to me. Im pretty sure other people have had those types of thoughts. I felt like if i were to be in a relationship with a girl that i really liked than my feelings of loneliness would go away. I wouldnt have to worry about these feelings of loneliness that have become so prevelant in my life. So i would develop these feelings and crushes on certain girls that i found attractive and wanted to be in a relationship with but i never got anywhere with any of them... until I met the girl that was part of the break up that i referred to earlier.

She did not like me at first but i had strong feelings for her. Eventually she started liking me as well and later on we became a couple. I was so grateful that i had somebody that could make me feel like i didnt have to worry about my feelings of isolation and the humiliation of not being able to properly socialize with other people. I could tell her about all my problems and worries and open myself up to her in a way that i couldnt do with anybody else. She made me feel safe and secure. Just knowing she was with me gave me a feeling of comfort. Her presence alone made me feel content. She was a bit quiet as well so i thought that we could relate on some level. I wanted her to be the girl that i spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to be there for her when she needed support for any difficulties she had in her life.

I made a lot of mistakes and done things that i shouldnt have done. I messed a lot of things up and i regret a lot of things that i did while in the relationship. These things were the main cause of our status at the moment. We both have this resentment towards eachother for things that we ve both done and these things are the reason why i feel like this right now. I cant specifically say what those things are or go into too much detail on what happened, im just trying to let out some thoughts that have been troubling me. It hurts me to realize that we started the relationship with a certain sense of innocence and now things are completely different.
I have had suicidal thoughts and ideation over it. I am fine right now but i still have those feelings that i dont want to live anymore. I feel so careless and i have very little motivation. I cant shake the feelings of hopelessness. I feel like my perspective on things has changed and i feel so alone and isolated. This was the only person that made me not feel alone and now theyre gone. Everything i look at reminds me of the situation im in.

Recently i have had feelings of depression but in a general sense i wouldnt say that i am a depressed person. Although its hard to tell whether there is something wrong with me or not. When i was younger i would get feelings of depression from time to time for no reason... very mild though. By depression i mean that there would be these random times where i wouldnt feel joy in the activities that i usually find exciting. They would just seem boring and pointless to me. It would go away quickly though. It was odd for me though and i wondered if everybody experienced that. As i got older i found myself more and more dissatisfied with my life. Having to deal with more responsibilities and stuff like that i guess... i dont know...

Ive noticed that i am an extremely sensitive person. I get my feelings hurt easily and im easily frightened. I cant handle certain situations such as the one im going through right now as well as most people can. I struggle with an addictive personality and im a very narcissistic person. I would like to know your guys opinions on what ive shared. Is there something wrong with me or is it normal to feel these types of feelings and to have these characteristics?

 

[Ligaturd]

I had a similar problem years ago. For myself, trying to have resolve surrounding that. Seeing that it was resolved would allow me to stop ruminating about it. I obsess about things. Things ended horribly and I kept trying to tell that person I wish it never happened and it went horribly because of my own problems, mental health and otherwise at the time it happened. I kept it in my mind for a long time and was afraid to even try connecting with other woman for years.

It's not good to dwell on things. Learning to let go is extremely important. I know what it's like to struggle socially and to connect with people. I personally after all of these years admitted to myself that it was still affecting me and tried to confront it just to be able to bury it and move forward but this was taken to mean something completely different and shit hit the fan again and it happened at a time where my mental health was deteriorating in a completely different fashion. She was receptive and understanding at first but started consulting all these other people about the personal details of my life and they told her that I was lying and had all these other motivations when the motivation was always the same, for years. Wanting to be understood and empathized with due to the way my mind works.

I guess in my case I learned that it's difficult for others to be able to empathize with someone elses struggles, people don't necessarily have to care. The very best thing you can do is go through the motions, don't drown them with forms of escapism. Confront it and get some sort of finality and let go. Don't let it own you or make you bitter, you are ultimately in control of how you feel or how you perceive things. It's best to learn to love yourself and never put the onus on anyone else to make you happy. It sounds corny but it's true.

 

[Moreaux]

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult experience. It is always hard to part ways with someone you love, especially when it's not on great terms. Having to bury all your hopes and anticipations for the relationship is painful. Celebrate the good times you've had, and the experience you have gained. If you are breaking up, try to do so with courage and dignity, and most importantly with respect for her and yourself. Do it so that you have resolution as you don't want to continue to dwell on it. Learn from this experience.

You wrote in discussing the relationship, but I think your bigger priority is addressing the shyness and lack of social skills, and you said narcissism. Those are things that need attention. Shyness will hold you back from so many things in life, you want to start working on that now. I was painfully shy and ended up addicted to alcohol because it helped me socialize and not be as shy when I was actively drinking. You don't want this to happen to you. Somehow, mister up the courage and tell these things to a therapist. Bare your soul so you can get solutions to these issues so you can lead a full, active, and social life. Force yourself to interact with people. Push yourself out of your comfort zone at least once a day, and build on that. I'm sorry I don't have any meaningful advice - I never worked on my shyness and the addiction made my life such a messy state of affairs that the shyness was replaced with apathy toward what anybody thought about me. I just know that I used booze and drugs to cover the root issues, and it destroyed my life and now I'm starting all over at the age of 38. You're young - you have a chance - please see a professional regardless of how uncomfortable the thought of that is to you. Good luck!

 

[ovenbakedskittles]

Thank you for your responses...

The shyness and stuff is a major part of the problem but im mainly focused on the break up right now... I have so much feelings of anger and hopelessness and frustration.

Sometimes i feel like i dont want to get better. I just want to be with her. I know that if we were to get back together i would feel much better and be more motivated to making changes for myself and for our relationship. But at the same time i feel like if we were to get back together, things wouldnt be the same. They wouldnt be like they used to. But nonetheless i just want to be with her. Try to work things out... Do things differently and learn from the mistakes that ive made in the past. I dont want to live a happy life unless its with her. You can call it an obsession if you want, but thats just how i feel.
I have no interest in improving my life if im going to be alone and without her... nor do i have any interest in starting a relationship with another girl.

Maybe this is how everyone feels during a break up. But i feel like i have always been more sensitive than most people. I feel so delicate like a child sometimes. When certain things dont go my way i feel like its the end of the world. I have a hard time dealing with the harsh realities of life and the unfairness of this world.

My only goal in life was to end up with the person that i love and to live worry free together in our own introverted world and appreciate the fact that we only need eachother to be happy. I had an image in my head of what i thought it would be like... I wanted this girl to be that person.

I feel so regretful of the decisions that i have made that it makes me not want to live anymore. I feel like i didnt know any better. I would lie about certain things and withhold information because i thought that thats what people did in relationships. I thought that they were suppose to lie about certain things to keep from hurting the other person and jeopardizing the relationship. I thought that was the foundation of every long term relationship. I assumed that everybody did it. I thought it was normal to lie about these particular things. All it did was make me not trustworthy. Made her hate me.

 

[Moreaux]

All living things want to get their way - that's nature, humans are no different, and the minute something impedes you from getting your way, you want it more. Give it time, the obsession should go away in a few weeks. If not, you may want to see a professional.

Lying is seldom beneficial, and is never the correct answer in interpersonal relationships you care about. For many, myself included , it's the ultimate deal breaker.

I think you have some issues to resolve before you can be in a healthy relationship as some of your goals are unrealistic, but it may be your age, I'm not certain. Life is not worry free - regardless of who you're with. A relationship enhances life, but is not an end all. One person cannot be your everything, you have to learn to be able to stand on your own. What you're describing sounds codependent and unhealthy. Again, this may be an age thing though - I remember I used to feel similarly when I was young, though I was not stable or healthy in my youth, and that could be why your words are throwing red flags. To be happy in life you have to be content and accepting of yourself - another person is t going to do that for you. Along those lines, to have a healthy relationship you must be healthy.

I really think you would benefit from speaking with a therapist. Trust me, you want to resolve these issues sooner rather than later. You have to find peace with yourself before you focus on a relationship.