Mental Health Depression MEGA Thread - DepressionTalk + Over 100 Links of Info

[woopsadaisy]

Is it possible to ever fully recover from depression?

I did, for 9 years! Only it came back 2 years ago! I lost evrything 2 years ago, if I hadn't then maybe I would still not be depressed. 9 years ago I had chronic depression for 3 years and I pulled through, I was young though.....I still believe I can pull through this time, but looks pretty impossible.

 

[plmar]

Anyone know what to do when all motivation is lost? I'm lazy, apathetic, and I've lost all interest in the things I enjoyed doing.
I've been trying to force myself to produce some music or play guitar, or even get my midi mixer out and play around a bit, but it seems pointless and I have no ideas at all as to what to do next etc.

I enjoy producing music to some extent and I have good technical ability when it comes to manipulating sound, or using more advanced features like compression or in depth distortion/synthesis etc, but creativity = zero.

Not only this, but I also feel anxious often and I don't see the point of going to college anymore. I know I have talent and I'm wasting it all because I haven't done any work in college for months, and suddenly I put my head down and I have the two best pieces of work in class which I had put little effort into.


Even posting this on here is slightly difficult because I feel like I'm being a spoiled or ungrateful cunt, or 'hoping for an easy way out', which I know there is none.
"Chances thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for what used to be"


Also as I've mentioned above, I have underlying anxiety problems which I can't talk to anyone about because I feel ashamed about it. If I have a hospital or dental appointment to go to, once I get there my heart rate will easily be over 160 and pumping out of my fucking chest and all my upper body muscles feel stiffened up. Even going to college has been a chore tbh. I've walked into class drunk many times because alcohol makes me feel so much better, with no hangovers, ever.
Recently I've felt as if I'm not even gonna make it past my 20s. For the last month or two i've constantly been watching heroin and other drug related documentaries and vids, hoping that by some freak chance I get my hands on some hard shit. I've been going on walks and trying to avoid people completely, leaving college late to avoid walking past groups of people, walking through this small forest and chugging beer, hidden away from view. I've got no friends and I don't feel secure in going out with people. I had done in the past and it was borderline awkward, sitting down smoking weed not feeling it at all and of course I'm the only one who doesn't get high and doesn't talk.

Don't know why I'm posting this here either tbh, nobody ever is willing to help but as I've typed this all out I might as well post it. Waste of a good 20 minutes.

 

[Putingrad]

Saturday night. I wake up from my three hour nap at 5:30, read around on the internet for an hour or so whilst wrestling with the same old dilemma: can I successfully force myself to go out tonight since I don't have to be at work until 10 tomorrow (as opposed to the more frequent 5 a.m., when going out is genuinely undoable), or will I feed my kratom addiction and drop those five teaspoons down my mouth.

My friend, who, while not the best of influences, certainly is a good soul and always means well, has invited me out. There are even other things I could go to and other people I could see. I cannot tell any more if I actually don't want to go out or if I don't go out because I'm depressed (and addicted to a mild opioid).

The feeling of guilt and regret I have whenever facing this dilemma makes me think that deep down I know the answer: Despite having always been an introvert at heart, comfortable and indeed happy with solitude and long, quiet periods with myself, I am depressed and sad, therefore I do not engage in the activities I used to love nor do I see the people who I care about and who care about me. It is a cliche to say that life is at its most joyous when its gifts and its heights are shared with others, but it is a true cliche, and one I have experienced many times before and used to experience with regularity. What happened? Some reasons are blatant, others more obscure. Indeed, the current battle is not a new one, unhappiness and isolation have trailed me all my life, but while some never escape the cycle I have been given the opportunity, I feel both through luck and force of will, to see and feel much of the beauty that life has to offer with others.

At 7:00, I end up taking my dose. Already I begin to feel the dilemma go away, the choice is made and there is nothing more that can be done tonight. Often, this will offer me something akin to happiness, but more akin still to acceptance. My girlfriend will get off work at 10, call me and ask what I'm doing, and I'll tell her "staying in." She'll go out with friends and I will remain here in our house. A fairly typical night.

Tomorrow I will wake up feeling sad, as I do most days. I will feel like a failure, a habitual squanderer of opportunities and good will, an unfulfilling and undeserving partner to my wonderful girlfriend. I will be tired and sluggish, a feeling that will probably haunt me throughout the day. The dishes will still probably not have been done. However, I will go to work and work hard as I always do, fighting back anxiety and the sense of an impending nervous breakdown the entire time.

Is it the winter? Is it the kratom? Is it the life littered with failed, broken relationships, wasted time and unrealized potential? The nagging feeling that having reached 25 the chance to truly change myself in meaningful, lasting ways is gone?

Something has to change. Many things have to change. I see what must be done. But I know that I'm not ready. Not during the winter. Not tonight. Is this a cop out? Maybe, but I always tend to blossom in the spring and summer.

Not tonight.

 

[ad lib]

Anyone know what to do when all motivation is lost? I'm lazy, apathetic, and I've lost all interest in the things I enjoyed doing.
I've been trying to force myself to produce some music or play guitar, or even get my midi mixer out and play around a bit, but it seems pointless and I have no ideas at all as to what to do next etc.

I enjoy producing music to some extent and I have good technical ability when it comes to manipulating sound, or using more advanced features like compression or in depth distortion/synthesis etc, but creativity = zero.

Not only this, but I also feel anxious often and I don't see the point of going to college anymore. I know I have talent and I'm wasting it all because I haven't done any work in college for months, and suddenly I put my head down and I have the two best pieces of work in class which I had put little effort into.


Even posting this on here is slightly difficult because I feel like I'm being a spoiled or ungrateful cunt, or 'hoping for an easy way out', which I know there is none.
"Chances thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for what used to be"


Also as I've mentioned above, I have underlying anxiety problems which I can't talk to anyone about because I feel ashamed about it. If I have a hospital or dental appointment to go to, once I get there my heart rate will easily be over 160 and pumping out of my fucking chest and all my upper body muscles feel stiffened up. Even going to college has been a chore tbh. I've walked into class drunk many times because alcohol makes me feel so much better, with no hangovers, ever.
Recently I've felt as if I'm not even gonna make it past my 20s. For the last month or two i've constantly been watching heroin and other drug related documentaries and vids, hoping that by some freak chance I get my hands on some hard shit. I've been going on walks and trying to avoid people completely, leaving college late to avoid walking past groups of people, walking through this small forest and chugging beer, hidden away from view. I've got no friends and I don't feel secure in going out with people. I had done in the past and it was borderline awkward, sitting down smoking weed not feeling it at all and of course I'm the only one who doesn't get high and doesn't talk.

Don't know why I'm posting this here either tbh, nobody ever is willing to help but as I've typed this all out I might as well post it. Waste of a good 20 minutes.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. What you have described most certainly sounds like major depression and anxiety.

You mention that you find it hard to talk to people about what you are feeling because you are ashamed, and I completely understand that. However, I strongly suggest doing so. Try making an appointment with a psychiatrist. S/he may be able to prescribe you a medication to help with your depression and anxiety. Self medicating with alcohol is, as I'm sure you know, not a solution. Alcohol can lead to much greater problems such as alcoholism, liver disease, etc. If you talk with a doctor now you may be able to catch the problem while you still have time. You admit that there is something wrong, which is that proverbial first step everyone refers to.

When I was about 14-19 (I am 21 now) I experienced the same variety of symptoms that you described. To this day I still experience social anxiety to a certain degree. I feel like I grew out of some of my symptoms though. I was on anti depressants for quite some time.

The major thing I learned from my experience is that to get better, you have to want to help yourself and take the first step(s).

 

[Beat Narrative]

At the moment every morning i wake up with an over riding sickness in my stomach, on days where i am able to i won't get out of bed until 1pm at the earliest but ideally try and sleep until 3 or 4pm just out of fear of facing the day. I feel angry every morning that i am awake and my shitty existence is still here

Its an inexplicable anxiety, it has been happening for 3 years or so, as a result i started using opiates on a regular basis just to settle my mind and stop myself from crying all the way to work trying to work out ways i can kill myself and make it look like an accident.

As a result of the opiate use i lost my relationship of 9 years and found out last week that for the last 6 months of our relationship she was sleeping with my best friend of 16 years, the depression after my ex left was tenfold what it normally is and in the last 4 months or so i have felt a lot better (2 months in india certainly helped) but finding out last week that my gf is with my best friend has now ripped me to bits and socially isolated me completely

I just want to wake up one morning and be happy to be awake, the days where i wake up and have a lot to do aren't so bad as i just immerse myself in my actions but the weekends are the worst, i have no company, i only have drugs to take away this horrible feeling in my stomach and i try and sleep away my life, this is no existence for a 31 year old to live.

I really want to kill myself, i however can't imagine putting my Dad through that (as he has already lost his wife, my mum) so i am back to working out how i can make it look accidental, i tried overdosing on benzo's last week, i had 175mgs of diazepan and 200mgs of ms contin as that's all that was in the house and i just ended up having a good sleep, i really see no point in continuing, i am trying meditation, exercise, i am traveling as much as i can, yet every morning i wake up and curse the world i am awake

there is my useless diatribe for the day

 

[Sepher]

Hey Plmar, I feel you. Don't have a lot more to give you than some acknowledgement of the way you feel with an 'I understand exactly' I'm afraid, but FWIW maybe this will rings some bells for you? Putingrad, Beat Narrative, uncanny how I could have written the exact same posts you've both just put up, word for bloody word, every bit of 'em. You too maybe?

Discussionsome of us are having elsewhere turned this up earlier today. I've never seen a definition for melancholia as an illness so read it just cos it was there. OMFG, talk about the scales falling from your eyes, lightbulb-moment, dawning realisation. That's what I have. Wikipedia had more to say on it makes so much sense. Oh! How can it be I am only learning this now, at 44 years old when my opportunities to fix my life seem already all in the past mostly and ever more limited, I have been telling my doctor this is how things are for years!?

I am not depressed in the sense of a mood disorder resulting from a chemical imbalance, my condition is not responsive to anti-ds, never has been. I've had it for twenty odd years, probably since I was nine actually making thirty-five of it, it's my default condition: a kind of alienated, existential despair with the world and the loss of all hope in any value in continuing to live in it. Crawling out from under the duvet is so hard, crawling back under it so we can hide ourselves away from the world hoping it might all just go away so easy. It's difficult to change because your life's direction and your material circumstances require decision-making, effort and application you just don't seem to have the energy, will and desire to sustain, afraid to even attempt to achieve anything assuming you'll fail, even going so far as to engineer your own failure when you do, or will find it not worth possessing and just another crushing disappointment if you do. This is exactly my task at the minute, to find the strength to change that but it means changing everything about my behaviours and approach to things, beliefs about my self, completely new ways of positive thinking built from the ground up with hardcore counselling, everything. Fundamental stuff if I can even hope to improve things. Finally found something that describes and understands my starting position not hours ago. Just need to work out now where that gets me.

 

[mrflowers00]

i don't enjoy life anymore it's like all my ambition is gone i have no motivation to do anything i usually lay in bed all day watching TV or playing video games and i don't enjoy it for the most part i wish no one cared about me so i could end it all guilt free i'm always in pain which makes me hate everything especially other people i have vivid fantasies about murdering people and if i thought i could get away with it i'd be a serial killer i don't know how to feel ok with everything i just want to die

 

[Captain.Heroin]

i don't enjoy life anymore it's like all my ambition is gone i have no motivation to do anything i usually lay in bed all day watching TV or playing video games and i don't enjoy it for the most part i wish no one cared about me so i could end it all guilt free i'm always in pain which makes me hate everything especially other people i have vivid fantasies about murdering people and if i thought i could get away with it i'd be a serial killer i don't know how to feel ok with everything i just want to die

You have to remember that you are more than likely feeling this way as a result of having used opiates/benzos for so long, and the withdrawal is causing you to feel this way.

If you stay clean for long enough, and do your best to get back to an enjoyable part of your life, it will happen.

Hang in there Mr. Flowers.

 

[spork]

I got prescribed to Wellbutrin today. It's one that I've never tried and while I do have hopes that it'll help, I wish I didn't really have to go the AD route again. I wish I could just be "normal."

 

[jbake23]

when i was 8 i got a dirtbike for my birthday. my dad wanted to ride it so i let him and he was drunk. he ended up breaking his neck and has now been paralyzed from the waste down for 13 years. things have never been the same i have been using drugs and alcohol since the accident. i am so depressed and i think about it everyday i feel like its my fault. im currently addicted to opiates i iv everyday using hydromorph contins. this was hard for me to write.... i dont even know why i wrote this...

 

[spork]

A lot of the times the things that are hard for us to write or talk about are those that we truly need to talk about to start on a path of forgiveness.

This was in no way your fault. Your father chose to do this himself and you didn't know what was going to be the outcome. How is your relationship with your father now? Please do what it takes to forgive yourself and to forgive him. He was an adult and it was own decision to get on that bike. You've been holding on to this for way too long and I think it might be time to forgive and move on with your own life and own problems.

Have you talked to a therapist at all? Please take care of yourself.

 

[dilated_pupils]

Hey everyone, haven't been around for a bit but I wanted to open up some time to post in here again. First off I was hoping to maybe add another section to the main page, possibly with drug studies that are current and up to date regarding newly regulated FDA drugs, that would possibly show someone who has tried it all, something fresh which may come at no cost if there are local trials. I'm currently looking for some myself, and am going to hear back this coming week from a therapist about a couple which may or may not pan out. If I can't get anything first hand I will do my best to research the major topics of depression for clinical trials in different areas across the states and I'll go from there when it comes to other countries.

To everyone in here whom is really feeling the depression even on the medications and the psych/therapist visits, please take the time to remember a few things. We take medications of which many take, our bodies process these medications relatively the same way and when they produce the same effects in many people I'm thinking all those on the medication are really just connected because of such like similarities and a drug quickly becomes overwhelmed with depression itself. When it comes down to it we need to look at the intake of food/liquids and sugars/caffeine and wonder why those things cannot provide us with what we need. Not to mention there are plenty of plants medicinally that should be able to alleviate our problems for almost all ailments but I do understand potency differs across the world for plants as well as it has changed through out time.

Please give a look into your personal health as a whole - meditate on it - listen to some brain wave / binaural beats they may help greatly in giving you insight into your inner body and it's workings.

I've been finding an increase in my awareness of my self, because of very simple things I've been following. First I've started exercising a bit, nothing heavy just enough to tone myself up as I decrease my portion size and increase amount of meals to a strict 3x a day plus 1-2 snacks. A protein shake with high calories (weight gainer style protein) can be a replacement for a meal as well and be much healthier for you. Along with a large array of vitamins I started running daily. Just 2 miles a day currently, although an extra 1/2 - 1mile isn't uncommon depending on my mood. I think these are essential things in my life right now which are changing how I think, how I pull my mind back together as I felt so hopeless for the past 2 years. I'm currently not taking any medications, have been clean for only a short amount of time but I do preach that moderation is key to everything no matter what you're taking. Anyone struggling with should open up their eyes and look at it this way.

If you keep neglecting hat the body needs you will feel lethargic and become slow with answering basic cognitive skill type questions. Now depression sets in deeper and you either keep down that route or turn around now and make head way. Tell yourself I'll do 10 pushups today, and every day until I want to do more. Same thing with running. Go run/job for a short distance, 1/2-1mile. Takes 5-10mins <--- slow walks take 12 minutes to walk a mile. Now attempt to increase it slowly even if its one more yard/ft. a day. You can do it! I promise!

If you have any questions feel free to throw them my way.

-dp

 

[FnX]

When it comes down to it we need to look at the intake of food/liquids and sugars/caffeine and wonder why those things cannot provide us with what we need. Not to mention there are plenty of plants medicinally that should be able to alleviate our problems for almost all ailments but I do understand potency differs across the world for plants as well as it has changed through out time.

I would have to say that I think this is a very sane and smart approach, however I also like to say white mans pill for white mans evil. I wouldn't be so sure that when it comes to modern problems, there's always a 'natural' solution. We have rather 'unnatural' problems resulting from for example technology, all kinds of radiation, chemical pollution and who knows what affecting our health. As a people I believe we should try to prevent problems like these from occurring in the first place, but because the damage is already done we just have to deal with it.

 

[drscience]

Well I am pretty stoned so I'll keep this brief. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with depression and was administered Paroxetine. Scared me away from anti-depressants until May 29 this year. I'm taking a combination of 1mg clonazepam 3 times daily (160 .5 a month i think) and 25 mg Zoloft at night to increase to 50mg after 2 weeks. I feel pretty stable and I am not sad and lethargic as I once was. Does Zoloft work that fast?

Thanks

 

[dilated_pupils]

I would have to say that I think this is a very sane and smart approach, however I also like to say white mans pill for white mans evil. I wouldn't be so sure that when it comes to modern problems, there's always a 'natural' solution. We have rather 'unnatural' problems resulting from for example technology, all kinds of radiation, chemical pollution and who knows what affecting our health. As a people I believe we should try to prevent problems like these from occurring in the first place, but because the damage is already done we just have to deal with it.

I don't disagree. There are plenty of things we have suffered from due to own own ignorance as a whole. Running to the hills will not prevent yourself from breathing the same air as another on this planet. Do I believe there is a chemical that can help? I'm sure there is but I still think the right combination of medicinal help will provide an answer much quicker then an array of clinical trials on some new anti psychotic. I'm thinking that for every person who joins in on a new medication, they just all become entangled in the webbing of trouble already created and we go further away from the actual problem.

Well I am pretty stoned so I'll keep this brief. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with depression and was administered Paroxetine. Scared me away from anti-depressants until May 29 this year. I'm taking a combination of 1mg clonazepam 3 times daily (160 .5 a month i think) and 25 mg Zoloft at night to increase to 50mg after 2 weeks. I feel pretty stable and I am not sad and lethargic as I once was. Does Zoloft work that fast?

Thanks

It can as I just asked my mother and she said it took about 2 weeks for it to start effecting her positively. I do feel enticed to say that I've seen here get pretty bad quickly without it though and I honestly hate drugs that equal big trouble so quickly without use, no matter what it is. That is just my opinion though and you should always do what's right for you, but also know that taking these prescription drugs are serious to long term mental health recovery. You should look into what you will be doing once you get stables - stay on the drugs or try and find a healthy lifestyle that suites your mental needs.

-dp

 

[Abject]

Okay, so previous to my current psychiatrist I'd tried sertraline and fluoxetine at different times.
This psychiatrist put me on duloxetine, an SNRI. After the first few weeks it seemed to be helping, but then although somewhat blunted/dulled it hasn't done enough.
We were going to discuss increasing the dose, but he said he didn't want to overwhelm my brain my serotonin or some shit, which is fair enough.
The next session we were supposed to talk about going up, but we both forgot.
I decided all he does is monitor it and seeing as I haven't had any ill effects I'll know well enough to go back down if I were getting side effects.
I went from 60mg to 120mg for 4 days, to see how I'd tolerate it. I didn't notice any changes so I went up to 180mg, except 2 when I wake up and 1 when I go to bed instead of all at once.
I get to see him tomorrow, so I will explain all of this.
It is a very rational choice as his approval won't affect the efficiency of the drug, if I ran into any problems I would have contacted him.
I don't have the time to just keep waiting, hence the rapid increase.

I don't know whether he will suggest augmenting the Cymbalta with something like Bupropion (can you still smoke on this?) or maybe that new Agomelatine
Or whether he'd suggest a TCA or even Emsam (though I'd have to think about contraindications)

Eh I guess I'll find out

 

[drscience]

I gotta say, this Zoloft is really working with regards to the crippling depression I had.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Only stimulants really touch my depression

 

[ad lib]

Does anyone have experience in depression which hasn't responded to ssris, snris, and even tricyclics? I've given several drugs in each class more than ample time to work (2 months+) but still experience symptoms.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hey I've tried most drugs.

Bupropion worked for me but made me more stupid

Abilify works pretty well, it has a novel, multifaceted mechanism involving partial agonism at several d receptors and 5ht1a combined with an antagonistic profile at some receptors like 5hy7 and has affinity for the serotonin transporter. I couldn't stand the side effects and it somewhat de-personalizes me, a common effect of APS.

Mirtazepine and venlafaxine also work well, largely due to downstream opiate activity. The former is probably better, though it has ap action too.

Lamotrigine is unique in its complex mechanism for the depression said of bipolar.

Basically only drugs which one can become classically addicted to work for my disorder, c'est la vie.

As I said, basically only amphetamine works truly for my depression. If you're succeptible to drug abuse I wouldn't try it unless you must.

Parnate and Nardil are behemoths against depression. They basically take all of the brain's amines (over-simplification) and stop them from being oxidized. The former is good for anhedonia and the latter for anxious depression. Hope this helps.