Depression/Guilt/No one....Just need someone.

[ShAYZoN]

I can't stop from crying nightly in fact as I sit here and write this I'm crying...
I've been using for 3 1/2 years I've tried getting sober but every attempt I've made is futile i made it 32 days before relapsing on speed/weed then it all went downhill again...

Used my DOC ecstasy also started smoking again.. I'm now sober for 3 days again... My life story is i'm adopte.. It was closed adoption now that I'm 19 I tried to see my biological mom but she refuses to see me.. It's sad for me because all I've ever thought of sense I was 7(when i found out) is to see my mom it was shut down in a matter of a simple phone call. I cried for days...

When I was adopted my adoptive parents got divorced like 4 years later and took my from my friends... My mom married a person who I want EVER call dad or even call "step dad" he was physically abusive and mentally verbaly for years... That stopped about 3 years ago (not the verbal) tell a year ago..

I've never had a father figure in my life... I have literally been te mockary of my classmate sense 2nd grade tell 11th I'm nit unatractive or weird just has so many trust problems and I seem to ask "are you my friend still" "are you mad at me" because in always worried about rejection.

I've made friends who all use drugs which means for me to achive sobrity I have to drop a large amount of them... Which means ill have no friends again.. Scho is stressfull. My adoptive dad did not even call me on my 19 birthday (20 days ago). I just don't ever see a end to this onslaught of negtivity... If there is a god then why do I go through this daily..

When ever I wanna do anything with my friends I can't even enjoy it anymore because my mom makes me feel so guilty fo hanging out with friends and leaving the house constently. I just want the world to stop spinning I just wanna yell stop throw my hands up and give up is life really worth going if I feel this everday.

I'm sorry if this is lame to people just the only place I fel anyone would understand... Sorry if this was writin terriabl I'm kinda crying/shaking...

 

[n3ophy7e]

Man, it's definitely not lame to feel the way you're feeling about all this. You've had a consistently rough time and I completely understand why you feel helpless. You're a good person and you deserve all the good things in life, including feelings of love and security and self-esteem.

It's really important that you aim to stop using amphetamines in particular because they will be making your depression significantly worse. The weed could also be having a negative effect but the speed and mdma definitely would be. I'm know you're trying to quit everything but perhaps you need a bit of help along with it, like some counselling or something?

Have you told your mum exactly how you're feeling with everything?? Have you told her how much you need to socialise, and the reasons why? Communication is so important man. I'm sure you can come to some kind of understanding with her. It may also bring you closer together when she learns how you're truly feeling.

Have you ever had any counselling or anything like that?? It might be worth thinking about because it could really help you with the negative thought patterns and low self-esteem, as well as staying off drugs. You don't have to suffer man, you CAN be happy

 

[xoqqiy axlotao3al]

^^ total agreement. you are beating yourself up tremendously & you don't deserve it.

have you ever checked out NA? where i live, there are quite a few people in circumstances like the ones you describe who are active in NA, & it really seems to help them a lot and give them a good group of non-using peers who are really supportive and caring.

counseling or therapy would also be good. you have had a really tough set of things thrown at you in life that you didn't choose in any way. there are people in the world (and on BL) who will be on your side. i think posting on BL was a really great move toward helping yourself.

 

[totach]

hey man dont b hard on urself u cant choose ur family but u can always choose ur friends. From what i c in ur post my suggestion 2 u would b to try n save up some money so u can move out on ur own. Mayb u can find a good friend or 2 that r sober that u can move in with. Like i said b4 u cant choose ur family so if they r not nice 2 u fuck them. This is ur life and u need 2 b happy n ur family should b a big part of making u happy. So if they r not nice 2 u fuck them n bounce.
good luck

 

[edgewise1]

I agree with what's been said above. You have had a rough life! But you have to become proactive in your own life if it is to get better. I'm a 54 yo middle school teacher and I have seen a couple of kid's in the same situation you now find yourself. Though I have not been able to follow but one of these kid's, I'm happy to say that she was able to pull herself out of it, this includes depression and drugs, cut off "bad" friends ,and get a scholarship to college to become, of all things, a teacher! She will make an excellent one!

But the point is, get active in defining your own future. If you need help then seek it out

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[ShAYZoN]

Thanks everyone, I've been to counciling before.
But it seemed to only help when I was going after I left everything goes to shit again.
I even asked my mom to put me Into councling... That was over two months ago and nothing...
I've talked to my mom very openly about my drug addiction and my emotions she thinks I'm jus taking everything the wrong way..

 

[ShAYZoN]

Ive been to NA 2 times and i'm going to my 3rd tonight...

Last night I was laying in my bed thinking "is life really worth living" as I laid there thinking of the question I finaly figured out the answer... LIFE is worth living for Myself,Friends,Family to care for myself is to care for others. I was texting a friend who I only met around 2 weeks ago he gave me advice took my mind off it and that's another reason I came to that conclusion.

I also was laying in my bed restless thinking about always feeling guilty and just wanting to end it all... When out of no where my rave brother text me and said "I love you man don't ever forget it" it was a sign it was eye opening I am still lost/confused/depressed/angry but these words hit me deep.

 

[ShAYZoN]

Tons of views and only a handful of answers...

 

[PendulumAM]

wow I just read this and I can relate to you a lot. my biological dad left my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me and still doesn't want to talk to me (i'm 19). he has 2 sons now and doesn't want anyone knowing about me. my stepdad has gotten a lot better now but didn't really like me when I was a kid because I was "weird", he even made fun of me to other people. he wasn't much of a father figure to me and I definately noticed how he treated my brother and sister (his kids after he married my mom) better. my mom is a good mom but I was never really close with her, she could be very mean. I just have a hard time forming relationships with people because I was bullied a lot as a kid for being weird and shy. I cried a lot and read books instead of socializing. I'm always fearing rejection too, I still feel like people are going to think I'm weird and awkward. I have a boyfriend and 1 best friend and that's it, no other friends even though I'm in a college with over 50,000 people. I always feel like people are judging me/mad at me/annoyed by me. I got addicted to opiates for 6 months but I'm using suboxene to get clean now, I already was bad enough with relationships before the drugs but fucked up even more friendships after I started doing them...

 

[ShAYZoN]

wow I just read this and I can relate to you a lot. my biological dad left my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me and still doesn't want to talk to me (i'm 19). he has 2 sons now and doesn't want anyone knowing about me. my stepdad has gotten a lot better now but didn't really like me when I was a kid because I was "weird", he even made fun of me to other people. he wasn't much of a father figure to me and I definately noticed how he treated my brother and sister (his kids after he married my mom) better. my mom is a good mom but I was never really close with her, she could be very mean. I just have a hard time forming relationships with people because I was bullied a lot as a kid for being weird and shy. I cried a lot and read books instead of socializing. I'm always fearing rejection too, I still feel like people are going to think I'm weird and awkward. I have a boyfriend and 1 best friend and that's it, no other friends even though I'm in a college with over 50,000 people. I always feel like people are judging me/mad at me/annoyed by me. I got addicted to opiates for 6 months but I'm using suboxene to get clean now, I already was bad enough with relationships before the drugs but fucked up even more friendships after I started doing them...

Ive had the same exact life as you.. It's nice having someone there that literally explains themselves the exact someway to a tee. My step dad clearly treats his daughters my sisters way,way,way better then me... It hurts but I've learned to cope with it... Copeing being drug use.

 

[PendulumAM]

Ive had the same exact life as you.. It's nice having someone there that literally explains themselves the exact someway to a tee. My step dad clearly treats his daughters my sisters way,way,way better then me... It hurts but I've learned to cope with it... Copeing being drug use.

I get jealous and sometimes crying when I see a dad who loves his daughter a lot; I just know that I will never have that or know what its like. My mom is a good mom but not the loving or close type either so sometimes I'll get the same way about moms too. I've been jealous of friends whose families are struggling to get by on barely any money, because they are loved. So yeah, doing drugs gives me that happiness that I don't get from my family, and makes me forget about how I think people are annoyed by me. It's hard for me to even talk to people usually since I'm always worrying about how boring or weird or stupid I seem to them.

 

[ShAYZoN]

I get jealous and sometimes crying when I see a dad who loves his daughter a lot; I just know that I will never have that or know what its like. My mom is a good mom but not the loving or close type either so sometimes I'll get the same way about moms too. I've been jealous of friends whose families are struggling to get by on barely any money, because they are loved. So yeah, doing drugs gives me that happiness that I don't get from my family, and makes me forget about how I think people are annoyed by me. It's hard for me to even talk to people usually since I'm always worrying about how boring or weird or stupid I seem to them.

I just had a major thing occur 2 days ago.. I need rehab.. Idk how I can get into rehab though I'm having anxiety and panic attacks more.