depression and withdrawal

[OhCrap]

Hey bluelighters. I am an opiate addict, my doc is tramadol. I guess now I can say I am a recovering opiate addict, at least for today I am almost 3 days clean. I last used Monday and am coming off a 6 month long binge where I was using between 200-400mg a day. I quit cold turkey and my physical withdrawal has been nothing compared to the depression and anxiety I've been experiencing. I took 1mg of ativan a few hours ago but it's since worn off and I'm back to feeling like total shit. I have moments of happiness sprinkled in but they are few and far between and the thought of throwing in the towel has crossed my mind fleetingly a few times. Life just seems way too hard to face sober.

 

[SM0K3Y]

Yea man, I am struggling with addiction real bad. I've been on and off dope and pills for years. The passing of my father before my last big "Hoo-Rah" of getting high completely changed me getting clean. The depression and anxiety are just as big a part of relapsing as the cold sweats are.

Unfortunately, unless you can get with a doctor and get on anti-anxiety and antidepressants it's just something that you will have to deal with for a week or two. It gets soo much better. I had 39 days clean and 52 days the following time and my depression and anxiety were completely gone by day 25 or so. Up until that point it got less and less until it was gone one day and I didn't notice.

I'm sorry to say you will just have to deal with it. I usually recommend trazadone for sleeping since knocks you out cold, but it's not something that all doctors will recommend (some will though) and it has worked for me. Again sorry to say, but there isn't much you can do but give it time. It will ease up but try to keep your head in the right place. I'm not sure what you situation is, but even if you have a little problem, you could break a pencil, and just cry over it. As time passes it will get better, just please don't relapse. You'll thank yourself later when you feel better and don't have to go through withdrawals all over again. Every time I screw up I regret it more and more.

 

[herbavore]

I have moments of happiness sprinkled in but they are few and far between and the thought of throwing in the towel has crossed my mind fleetingly a few times. Life just seems way too hard to face sober.

Try to very consciously and purposefully take note of those moments of happiness when they come and you will soon be amazed to see they begin to multiply. It sounds idiotic or trite but it is actually just the opposite of what we usually do which is give all our attention to the emotions we fear rather than the good ones that bring us comfort.By concentrating on the moments of joy, how simple they usually are, how nothing special even has to happen to make them happen, you connect with life in a really powerful way.

Congratulations on tackling it cold turkey and getting 3 days under your belt--that's huge! It takes time for the physical symptoms to stop and even longer to deal with the psychological fallout. Give yourself time, be compassionate with yourself and try not to think in terms of "living sober"; just think of it as living. You have a lot to be proud of already. Keep your momentum going by reminding yourself how good it will feel to know that you don't have to go through this again.

 

[OhCrap]

I guess compared to most my situation is not that bad. I haven't lost everything yet, I haven't really been stealing from my family or friends but have definitely been doing a lot of lying. Truth be told, my brother is also an opiate addict who shouldve been at rock bottom lots of times already. Homeless, lost his kids and wife, and has two speeds: high or dope sick. I hate who He's become, we used to be very close and I've watched him throw everything away for this shit and now I know why. At least if nothing else that has come of this.

Sorry for the rambling! I forgot where I was going in the middle of it too! PSh:/

 

[herbavore]

Well, don't give up on him. My brother was a coke/crack addict for most of his adult life. At 40 he got sent to a weird boot-camp style place instead of prison and he turned a twenty year addiction around. I never thought he would get himself back because he had let his kids go, couldn't hold a job etc., but he did and he is still the great guy he always was. Maybe your quitting will have an effect on him?

 

[OhCrap]

I guess the other thing about him having a pretty public struggle with addiction (at least in our family everyone knows) I've been able to keep mine pretty secret. Granted his is a bit more in depth of a habit than mine was. Idk if it's a good thing or a bad thing though because I kind of feel like I have this dirty little secret. I was even lying to my husband and if he knew anything about it he never let on. Which feels shitty.

 

[SM0K3Y]

I guess compared to most my situation is not that bad. I haven't lost everything yet, I haven't really been stealing from my family or friends but have definitely been doing a lot of lying. Truth be told, my brother is also an opiate addict who shouldve been at rock bottom lots of times already. Homeless, lost his kids and wife, and has two speeds: high or dope sick. I hate who He's become, we used to be very close and I've watched him throw everything away for this shit and now I know why. At least if nothing else that has come of this.

Sorry for the rambling! I forgot where I was going in the middle of it too! PSh:/

Everyone's "Rock Bottom" is different. For one person it could be as simple as losing a job, or losing their housing, losing a child, losing a significant other while using, it's all subjective. I wish a lot of people tried to quit before hitting a "Rock bottom" but a lot of times that isn't the case. It takes a hard hit to want to get back up. I'm glad that things aren't real bad for you, and that you are looking at the bright side of things. Are you taking anything for the withdrawals? I mean as far as suboxone, methadone, subutex, anything of that nature?

Also, I know it's a bit more personal, but what state do you live in? A lot of states have funded programs to help you get clean. I know here in NJ there are a ton, same with NY, and probably majority of places do.

I guess the other thing about him having a pretty public struggle with addiction (at least in our family everyone knows) I've been able to keep mine pretty secret. Granted his is a bit more in depth of a habit than mine was. Idk if it's a good thing or a bad thing though because I kind of feel like I have this dirty little secret. I was even lying to my husband and if he knew anything about it he never let on. Which feels shitty.

I unfortunately was the same way (very secretive and felt shitty about it) but my fiance ended up finding out and getting addicted beside me as well. In a way, there is again a bright side to that. You never know what his reaction may have been, and to be honest at this point in the game, it may be worth spilling the beans and being honest. I know that it may be a tough conversation but no one will be more supportive than a spouse or a parent. I'm again, unsure of how your husband may react initially, but having him on board to push you and help you through the tough times may be a good thing. My fiance and I have been each others rock's through the struggles with addiction. If not for her I probably wouldn't be here today.

Just take the time to think about it. And if you need the help I suggest asking. Even if it's just a friend. Trust me having someone to lean on while getting clean and talking to make's things so much better. The big thing with the depression a lot of times is the feeling of "Being Alone" - which is all in your mind, but again having a companion (friend or spouse) is greatly beneficial. If you feel your friends or spouse may not be supportive, find a friend in NA. Trust me you will want to have someone there, it really does help.

Sorry for my babbling, hope this benefits you some way. Really, best of luck, and please if you need anything don't hesitate to ask us. Even feel free to PM me if you feel more comfortable doing so. Best of luck.

 

[ArtVandalay]

It's tough having a 'dirty secret' addicition. Your addict brain loves it though cause it keeps the drugs coming. Once everyone finds out, it's a lot harder to hide. Maybe think about outing yourself. Maybe the truth will set you free?

 

[OhCrap]

I don't know if I'm quite ready to out myself yet. I know I need to, but I think right this moment I just can't. I broke down and took a paxil before I went to bed last night. I was actually able to get a good night's sleep with no unisom, just an ativan to help with the rls, and Hopefully I won't even need that tonight. I feel better today in the sense that my moods feel a little less out of control. I am still not off the loperamide but I am doing my taper the way I'm supposed to and another 4 days and I'm done with that too. I even have a working interview tomorrow for my dream job and I am going to it SOBER for the first time in forever. Karma?

 

[herbavore]

Hey, that sounds fantastic. Good luck with your interview. I am so happy for you---4 days is big!

 

[martin33]

id say most of us opiate addicts use opiates to escape our misery. Such as depression. At least i know thats why i use it.

 

[OhCrap]

Had a huge trigger tonight and almost lost it...one of my dealers texted (Yeah not the smartest thing in the world right?) and offered to bring me some tramadol. It took me 25 minutes of wrestling with my self before I texted no Thanks. I am still thinking about how much I want to pop 6 or 7 before the intervieKw tomorrow morning. Uuuggghhhh i am sitting here stuffing my face with a chocolate muffin, begging my brain to stop thinking