Depressed, Something is wrong, but what?

[TheUnicorn]

Hello all,

I've been lurking around here for ages, never really posted until recently, was wondering if I could get some thoughts on my situation.

Now, I dont have the worst life, I live in a fairly nice house, in a nice village, I have many wonderful friends who i see less of recently but they are still always there for me. I have a lovely girlfriend, we have our issues but all couples do, she even bakes and brings me cookies from time to time!

For years i've had this overbearing thought that something is not right, and i've been getting steadily more and more depressed. not over just one thing. The other night I cried for the world, at how horrible it is, how horrible we are to each other as human beings.

What is wrong with me? I know something is wrong, but I don't know what it is, does that make any sence? Anybody got any ideas?

Just to add, im a regular user of a lot of drugs, I'm not addicted to one drug, but I am definitely addicted to being in an altered mindstate.

Thanks in advance people.

 

[badfish45]

Well it is possible that drug use could be a source for your depression. I know at some points in my life, even consistent cannabis use can really just make me generally upset about things. When I was going through an extremely anxious and depressive point in my life, I decided to maintain an abstinence from drugs and go and start seeing my old psychotherapist. It taught me to be able to handle and cope with my depressive thoughts without using drugs or freaking out and getting anxious or even more depressed. Don't worry, nothing is wrong with you

 

[RedLeader]

Welcome to the forum, Unicorn!

Now, I dont have the worst life, I live in a fairly nice house, in a nice village, I have many wonderful friends who i see less of recently but they are still always there for me. I have a lovely girlfriend, we have our issues but all couples do, she even bakes and brings me cookies from time to time!

It's all relative. Honestly, it is. Things like depression, loneliness and existential angst, they don't discriminate. Sure, some nations or cities are, on average, happier than others, but this does not directly imply anything about any given individual. There were, for example, people in rehab with me who might have only (I hate using the term "only") there to prevent jail-time for a marijuana possession charge, but those people were carrying a lot more mental baggage than the junkie-turned-prostitute who was in rehab for the 6th time. I've met people during my travels in third world countries who were very happy with the basics in life, and then I've met millionaires who shot heroin around-the-clock to numb the pain away. Pretty much the only requirement for feeling depressed, bored or incomplete is that you be human. Again, these things do not discriminate.

What is wrong with me? I know something is wrong, but I don't know what it is, does that make any sence? Anybody got any ideas?

People will often project their own insecurities/negatives on the world in attempt to seek comfort.

I can't trust any of these people... (When you can't trust yourself)

His cheerful attitude is so fake... (When you know that you cannot appear happy without faking it)

I don't blame him for going on that shooting spree... (When deep down you're afraid you might snap one day)

Do you see the pattern? It's basically a "misery loves company" thing. Maybe you're not shacking up with a fellow addict or whatever, but as long as you, in your own mind, see your own troubled thoughts/feelings/habits in other people, you don't feel quite as different, outcast or alone. "We're all human; they're all equally as bad as me."

Now what I think that YOU might be doing is something of the opposite direction as this. You see all this bad stuff going on in the world, and you take it on yourself. "We're all human; I'm equally as bad as them." I'm guessing that you get depressed when you watch the news, yet you watch it anyway. Or you have a guilty pleasure of watching reality television while at the same time wondering how people that ridiculous exist. It's hard not to be exposed to this stuff in the modern world. It's hard not to wonder about the "human condition" or wonder why things like honesty, niceness and manners seem to be disappearing.

 

[arctica]

I'm also in the middle of...I guess you could call it an existential crisis. I've been really depressed, enough to be hospitalized on a few occasions for being suicidal. I think the crux of the problem is that I feel like I'm too sensitive to be part of a cruel world. I've cried about everything, to name a few: my own pain and suffering, the human condition, children who die of preventible diseases like cholera, and birds that have broken wings and die of exposure, scared and alone. It's interfering with my functioning in day to day life. The truth of the matter is that it's a really fucked up world, one that I'm still not really sure I want to be a part of.

All of this would be bad enough on its own, but adding depression to the mix really colors the way you view the world and can distort your thoughts. An example of thought distortion: a guy I know threw himself in front of a tour bus (and survived, somehow). The reason he did it was because he knew deep in his heart that he was doing the right thing, being altruistic, and freeing his family from the pain associated with living with a depressed alcoholic. At the time, he truly believed that was the only way his family would be able to move on and have success in their own lives was without him.

As you might imagine, his family was devastated by his suicide attempt, utterly relieved that he survived, and angry that he had tried to do something so selfish. I don't think they understand that he had good intentions, but depression had clouded and distorted his thoughts to the point where he wasn't thinking clearly and unable to make rational judgments about the reality of his situation and understand how terrible it would be for his family to lose him. As he received treatment for depression, he was able to see that he had come to the wrong conclusion and is extremely grateful that he survived.

My first thought is that if you're not already getting treatment for depression would be to do so ASAP. There are a lot of resources out there; if you need help finding some in your area let us know where you are and perhaps someone will be able to point you in the right direction. It won't decrease the immense pain of everyday life, but it could help you gain some clarity, keep the thought distortions at bay, and help keep you functioning on a day-to-day basis while you work things out.

My second thought is that I don't think there's anything wrong with you for being dissatisfied (even disgusted) with the world we live in. I lost my faith a long time ago and consider myself an atheist, but I've found some comfort in reading Buddhist teachings. One of the central tenets of Buddhism is that pain is unavoidable in life. If you are experiencing it, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong or that you somehow caused it or that you're a bad person and deserve it. By being mindful and examining your relationship with these feelings and being able to sit with them without judgment or beating up on yourself, you can start to avoid the suffering associated with the unavoidable pain.

I'm not a Buddhist, so I can't really do it justice, but I would recommend checking out the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. It's aimed at both Buddhists and non-Buddhists, and talks about how one might make sense of life when everything is in shambles with no stability and constant pain, and what we can do to mitigate the suffering. If you check it out, I'd be interested to hear what you think about it.

Please keep us posted with how you are doing. You are not alone, and you have a tremendous amount of courage to examine life honestly and experience the pain without trying to run from it or deaden it in some way.

 

[qwe]

^nice post. re last paragraph: everybody is running. it will take some time for your problem to "surface." you have mountains to climb.

i know the backpack gets heavy... just don't get all the way on board a train, it will go back in the wrong direction.

 

[Missykins]

What are you using, exactly?

 

[radiationman]

I would just like to say that I am going through something similar to your situation. I have a loving girlfriend(soon to be an eloped wife) but am in a depressed state too. I also get discouraged at the direction humanity is going. It is hard to think positively when everything around you seems to be crumbling. Hang in there.

I don't know what your living situation is or anything about you, but just remember this, take it one day at a time. For me that is the hard part,to take things slowly. Try not to think of the macro situation. If I don't have something to do, sitting around the house can be the most dangerous thing for my mental health. Try to get active. Walk, ride a bike, read, do anything you can(that is somewhat productive) to stay busy. I truly hope that things start to get better for you.

On a side note, not meant to derail this thread, I have realized in a very short time that Bluelight is a great place for information an support. There are people here who care and are willing to talk, be supportive, or whatever you need. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. Thank you bluelight.

 

[Dedbeet]

For years i've had this overbearing thought that something is not right, and i've been getting steadily more and more depressed. not over just one thing. The other night I cried for the world, at how horrible it is, how horrible we are to each other as human beings.

What is wrong with me? I know something is wrong, but I don't know what it is, does that make any sence? Anybody got any ideas?

Is it a feeling like reality should be a certain way, but it isn't really that way?

When we try to make our own idea of reality and impose it on the reality that actually is, sometimes it can feel like something is not right. Perhaps u have an idea of reality that is not the way things are, but the way u want it to be...

Peace...

 

[herbavore]

I have always felt that some of us are born with less of a filter than others or thinner skin or whatever metaphor makes sense to you for being very sensitive to the suffering all around us. As a child I was sent to psychologists to try to determine why I cried all the time. It was assumed that there was something specific. When they asked me what it was that was causing my suffering all I could say was "everything." That was frustrating to my parents and the therapists and teachers that were trying to understand what was wrong but it was truthful on my part. Everywhere I looked I saw suffering and then I internalized it.

Learning to live with hypersensitivity is really learning to have acceptance. arctica's suggestion about the Pema Chodron book, and the Buddhist philosophy therein, is something I would heartily second. The philosophy of mindfulness, of acceptance and gratitude, has been life-changing for me. Many people on this forum know that I lost my son to an overdose recently. Without having internalized these concepts, I might well have just followed my son into death, so great was the devastation in my life from losing him. Feeling sad is something that happens to me every day in all of the nuanced variations from melancholy nostalgia to excruciating pain. I know that each time that I feel these feelings, I open more. I also feel joy every day--true happiness. Learning to honor the emotional world as a whole rather than singling out only happiness as desirable is very freeing. Letting feelings wash through you, accepting them and then letting them go is a very good tool to use when depression threatens.

To everyone posting in this thread,

 

[Dedbeet]

Learning to live with hypersensitivity is really learning to have acceptance. arctica's suggestion about the Pema Chodron book, and the Buddhist philosophy therein, is something I would heartily second. The philosophy of mindfulness, of acceptance and gratitude, has been life-changing for me.

Yup, it has for me too, fwiw. Society teaches us that we need to change our reality to fit the way we want it to be. When it's clear that u can't really change reality, acceptance comes in and changes everything. The attempt to change reality is the ego/psyche, and full acceptance translates to peace and a positive attitude. Paradoxically, acceptance changes things to the way we want it to be, because accepting things as they are, u want them to be as they are...

 

[Dave]

I've had the same sort of feelings, TheUnicorn. Why, I remember just last summer I was looking out my window at the city's skyline, marvelling at the engineering works that were in place to give its citizens a comfortable life, and I had a flash of "I'm going to look back on this one day, and remember it as a golden age". While the initial flash disappeared quickly, it took weeks to shake the sense of doom, and I still have lingering senses of it at times.

Our emotions colour our thoughts, and tend to be self-reinforcing. So if one has a slight tendency toward depression, and notices the turmoil around us all, it could be very easy to be fixated on it. General malaise is not at all uncommon, but while one should still be involved in the world and trying to improve it, the malaise is an inner issue, not an outer one. A lot of excellent advice has been given thus far on how to improve it, and I'd just be re-hashing it; just remember that you are not your thoughts, nor your emotions, you are that from which those arise, and therefore can choose to let them pass without consequence.

 

[TheUnicorn]

Thank you for your input so far guys.

In response to a few things, I have had counselling once before, my own admittance. Although it took such a long time to finally get round to a session that by the time I actually had my first session i was feeling much better, so i decided not to come back cause I figured there where people who would use the time a lot better than I could.

I believe part of it has been seeing some of the stuff I have done recently. Being a part of the occupy movement, i've seen some horrible things in relation to the police treating us and myself, I have been teargassed on numerous occasions completely undeserved. I have seen the police beat peaceful protesters for just exercising their rights. I have heard many stories from homeless people that just break my heart, there is so much unjust in this world it really tears me up inside, why must humans be so horrible too each other it just dosen't make any sense to me.

I am currently reading a book called the life of buddha, for years I have kind of aligned myself wit buddhist teachings but I dont really know enough to say I am a buddhist. However if anyone asks me I say I am vaguely a buddhist, it seems to be pretty on the mark from everything I have researched.

I do see a recurring pattern forming though, I believe I suffer from Seasonal Depression, any idea the best way to go about managing this?

Thanks for everything so far guys.

 

[gearfiend]

that only ever happens to me when i robo trip. normally, i have a total lack of empathy for anyone or anything, as my life has dried up any shred of pity i once had. only dxm has ever made me feel sorry for anyone or anything.

 

[TheUnicorn]

Maybe robo tripping will work in reverse for me than it does for you, something to try out? :D

 

[Dave]

I'd recommend against it, but that's just my experience. For me DXM was profoundly dysphoric.

 

[herbavore]

I don't think I have SAD but I do hate the grey days--I find it hard to feel motivated and worse, I always feel as if I am just waiting for the day to actually begin, as if it can't without the sun coming out. What I have learned to do over many years of living in a climate that has lots of foggy, grey days, is to develop specific things that I do love to do that are better done indoors. Over time, you can build an association of grey day= this activity. (in my case it is collage, but it could be anything.) It is just a mental trick and it doesn't completely solve the problem, but it helps.

 

[RedLeader]

Maybe robo tripping will work in reverse for me than it does for you, something to try out? :D

I'd caution against this. DXM (the drug involved in this) is a very polarizing drug in that people either love it or absolutely despise it. And finding out the hard way that you hate it is not a good experience. As well, if you've been privy to what the classic psychedelics are like, I believe that this sets up DXM for disappointment.

 

[Vaportrails]

Next time you're at the dr. have your thyroid levels checked.

Since going on thyroid hormone pills, my anxiety has decreased substantially.

 

[gearfiend]

I'd caution against this. DXM (the drug involved in this) is a very polarizing drug in that people either love it or absolutely despise it. And finding out the hard way that you hate it is not a good experience. As well, if you've been privy to what the classic psychedelics are like, I believe that this sets up DXM for disappointment.

this is very true. i have heard this many times, and personally can relate somewhat. i have only tried it twice at first plateau doses, but the thoughts i had were disturbingly unlike my personality. not that they were bad or immoral thoughts, but they change the way you think. its like becoming a different person, and for some people this can become permanent. if you like who you are, i do not reccommend trying it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Piracetam+DXM basically saved my life. It helped me tremendously through the acute stage of cold turkey heroin w/d and more or less erradicated the sever anxiety and depression I suffer from when withdrawing from opioids.

Would I reccomend this combo to someone? Absolutely, even without the DXM.

BUT, tread lightly! As RL states, DXM is a love/hate thing. I used to hate it, now I love it. If you choose to try the DXM start with a low dose, and have some sedative anti anxiety meds close by if things get uncomfortable. I'd say start with 90-120mg to see if you can deal with it. At that dose, back when I first tried it, it would make me slightly paranoid, like a strange feeling of discomfort, then extreme sleepy and groggy. Since starting to use piracetam these negative effects have gone away completely. This is, I am told, thanks to the racetam/piracetam dulling the DXM's dissosiative effect/side effects to a degree.

Overall, again, the NDMA receptor antagonist known as DXM played a big role in getting me back into living a healthy life. See this thread that I made about my experience with DXM and Piracetam about a month or two ago.