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Deep dark secrets about yourself. Do you have any?

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Cloudsurfer

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Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
31
I have one that drives me mad. Its the root of my suffering and the driving force of my suicidal thoughts and abysmal confidence. I dare not even say it on the internet.. yeah, its that horrible. I can't even smoke pot anymore because of it, cause when I'm high and that crosses my mind I get extremely anxious and sad.

Any of you guys have a horrible truth you try your best to hide from people?
 
Well at least I'm not alone. I'll have good days where I'm okay with it, while feeling good, euphoric almost. But then for a week or two I get so bothered by it that I tear up all the time and plan out my suicide by saving up money for drugs to overdose and die on. This money is usually spent during my happy days.
 
I have this inherent feeling that i can't be loved or don't deserve it, in the past i've almost broken down when someone's showed me deep compassion.
 
Cloudsurfer and malakaix, I can certainly relate to how you feel that you have done something terrible or failed someone so terribly that you do not deserve love. Read this thread. I started it because I was suffering from those feelings myself but lots of others contributed stories from their own lives that might be helpful. Like you, Cloudsurfer, I can feel great, almost normal again and then it sneaks up on me out of the blue as strong as ever.

What I have been trying to do is to "self-talk" back to myself when this happens. I tell myself that whatever I did or didn't do is in the past and that all I can do is to somehow use the knowledge I gained from the experience to spread compassion. Our worst experiences are our best teachers, though the learning involves facing discomfort and fear. Letting those tears come and paying attention to how you feel is a positive thing. Give yourself time to actually go deeper into the negative feeling (shame, guilt) and sometimes that ability to face the feelings head-on shakes a little something loose inside and you can begin to gain better control of your thoughts.
 
Lol I don't have deep dark secrets, closets aren't for skeletons. I know so many people's secrets though they tell me about things all the time cause I look like a trustworthy person. The truth is I never tell them and sometimes I just forget. This new one that I can say on here cause no one will know who... My piercer (friend as well) fiance who I work with cheated on him and now she's pregnant and doesn't know if its his... I was like holy shit woman why would you tell me? Its hard for him not to know but things are better left unsaid.
 
My deep dark secret is that not long after I turned 17 I was walking home in the early hours when I heard someone running behind me and next thing I knew was that I had a large knife held to my throat and was being pushed into some bushes next to a church.
I faced my attacker thinking it was money he was after, but cash wasn't his goal. For the next 3 hours I was sexually assaulted by him. He kept threatening to kill me so I told him to go ahead as I would rather die than go through his sick lust.
After he had his fun I was just let go. I did report it to the police that same night but he was never caught.
After that night I never left my house without a knife on me cos if I ever saw that cunt again I was gonna gouge his fucking eyes out and stick the blade up his arse and kill him.
Apart from my parents and police Bluelight is the only place I have ever spoken of this.
I am nearly 41 now so it was a long time ago but it's still there in my mind. I lock up my home like Fort Knox as soon as I get home. I hope that Karma exists and that he gets repaid in kind.
 
^that is a horrific ordeal to have survived. I know that the effects still impact your life. Did you ever go through any counseling for it? Even years later it may bring you some peace. The body holds emotional trauma long after the mind thinks it has dealt with it and working with someone trained in counseling sexual assault victims might bring you healing of wounds still open. All my love to you, maxalfie. Surviving that on any level is heroic.
 
Thanks Herbavore.I never had counseling for it at the time and I don't think I would really want to have it now either as it would mean having to go through it all again and I'm not good at opening up to people about my feelings etc.
I am fairly happy now, I have a very good friend and lead a fairly simple life and that is good enough for me.
 
Maxalfie, my thoughts are with you. I wouldn't have posted my trivial little malady if I had read your story first.
 
Only my girlfriend knows this really. Her and I went through a phase with mephedrone this summer. We did it at most every 2 weeks and we found it very sexual but you make really bad decisions. I cannot ge hard for my life so it is normally just a waste of time but goes on for many hours and goes no where. One of the last times I have done it was in August and we did a lot. We have been getting in habit of plugging substance so we were doing 100-200mg plugs which were very intense. We were talking about how mephedrone has been messing up our sex life and how it's pointless to get sexually involved on it and how it has effected or perspectives on sex outside of drugs in a bad way. We get back from walk and I am really horny and she gets offended that I want to fool around so I we go to bed and I sneak off and masturbate while using anal toys for countless hours i was incredibly high. It takes hours to come and it's pathetically desperate and I manage to cum twice because I was greedy. I was using anal toys with no consideration to how much my body might be in shock. 2 days later when we're sober and we have sex I have terrible absolutely terrible post ejaculation pain. I wait few days but very concerned. I try again with her week later (very long break for us) and worse than before. I see many doctors and get put on several medications to no major success. At this point I can't have sex and have terrible pelvic pain that is ruining my life. I can't sit, ride bike, no masturbation or sex. She is holding in there with me but if only I had gone to bed with her that night this would have not happened. I have not had healthy normal sex in 4 months and it ruining my 3 year relationship with the girl I want to be with forever. I am slowly healing but I have a myofascial pain disorder now because of drugs that could be life long. I know I can't have sex again for atleast 2 more months as I go through physical therapy. It has rocked my world. 21 yr old male now can't have orgasm anymore. I have cried many times but have hope
 
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