Fuck. I'm so tired of this shit.
My family are heavy drinkers and don't know my situation. They know I've stopped drinking but don't know why. They wouldn't get it. I'm home for the holidays and I'm tired of being offered drinks ("C'mon just have one") and being ragged on and peer pressured and called 'lame' by my own family about it. I'm leaving shortly.. thank god. I received alcohol as a gift even. They know I don't drink anymore.
I also work in an industry where drinking is extremely common. I've had coworkers tell me to 'just loosen up and have a beer'. They just don't get it.
Honestly the social stigma of not drinking is ridiculous. People judge me heavily based on that.
But fuck it that's not gonna make me drink.
Fuck your coworkers and honestly, if they bring you down and try to get you to relapse, then fuck your family too. This isn't a joke it's quite literally LIFE and DEATH and if your family can't realize that because they are sick themselves then don't spend as much time with them as you normally would.
229 Days for me.
I'm still pretty depressed. I was up until like 5:30 this morning thinking and writing, about a lot of things. Mainly, getting more specific for what i want to say during different amends i'm making soon, as well as just plain getting honest with myself for the first time in a while. The problem with my girlfriend this time isn't her emotional stuff, this time it's my lack there of. I haven't really done anything over the last few months, and I've allowed myself to become a shell of who I am without actually relapsing on drugs. I complain about not being able to talk a lot and hold and blame it on not being a good conversationalist, but the truth is that Nobody would have shit to talk about when they don't ever do shit and have no life. So where as in the past I could talk her down and fix things, this time it's on me and I can't just "talk my way" out of this one. I mean, I guess ironically talking my way out of it is exactly what i need to do, but not in the same way. I need to get a fucking life so that i have things to "converse" about. I'm starting school in 3 weeks, and i know that will be a huge help if we make it until then. In the mean time I know what i need to do. I need to stop spending all day everyday on the computer, i need to get out and get back into hobbies, start working out/doing yoga, pre studying for school, get a job, etc. There's a ton of things I could do that i have been avoiding. Above all else i need to get back to going to meetings regularly and make some fucking friends. Basically my only friend right now is my girlfriend, which is a very dangerous place to be in recovery.
Making friends is something i think i have some fear around. Aside from my usual social anxiety, its different this time. When i first got sober, i did make some friends - at rehab. My two roommates and this other guy who i got along with. I got pretty close to all 3 of them. However, in the first month after rehab, One of my roommates relapsed and died, one of them relapsed and tried to commit suicide twice and I had to talk him down both times and convince him to go to the long term rehab program, and the third relapsed for a few weeks, lied about it, then went to the long term rehab program and just recently bailed and disappeared. I guess maybe i got discouraged from getting close to people in recovery after this - but fear based behavior is what ran my life for years and what ran it into the ground. I can't allow myself to act on these feelings anymore, or in the case not act because of them.
The only way my life is going to get better is if i stop doing nothing with it. I can't fucking wait for school to start because of this, but in the mean time i need to make some serious changes if I want to have a chance at maintaining a healthy relationship with my girlfriend as well as cultivate new relationships with regular friends, which i so desperately need.
Thanks for reading, whoever reads this post.
, 
I don't know. I just don't know.
