Dealing with emotions (sorry for the length)

[szuko000]

This shits been eating at me for over a week now and I've tried. I've tried typing it out in a blog to understand it rebounded off a friend but shes not my psychologist and at this point i run around in circles so i came here for feedback.

Its hard to convey and I dont want to take long explaining it. Quick recap on my past just for background, former heroin addict on and off in a sense for about 3 years got on methadone. About 18 months off a 6 year relationship which almost coincided with me getting off methadone.

I have developed so much as a person that i am truly happy, i dont mind my job i have future potential in spades i have developed hobbies started working out and am in the best shape, have more hobbies, and activities then ever in my life. I seriously am happy and am not just saying that, ive come such a long way and am very proud of myself (some say too much so)

I live my life pretty plastic, by that i mean i keep nothing for extended duration. I get attached to tiny trinkets that i keep for memory but they number in 5 maybe. I dont keep many friends or people close my longest friendship is my ex g/f whom i work with and regard as a sister. Beyond her I have maybe 2 other friends maybe even one, i categorize people and then its hard for them to move so coworkers arent friends neither were classmates common associates they all stay in those groups. My life has been so even and predictable its awesome, I have fun and love experiencing life nothing was missing, or so i thought.

So monday 6/19 I go see a group I really wanted to since discovering them last year. I'll skip everything other then the important details. I planned a big candy flip abstained from both substances for a while and these are long term batches that i have for the summer and will till about september. So i take 5 hits of L and 300mg of molly, dont judge me this is only 50mg more then my most powerful candy flip, and go see the show.

I was expecting an experience of a life time i really like this group i candy flip when the opportunity arises for special events so that wasnt anything new. The experience though it literally changed something about me... for so long i hadnt felt like this but something between the drugs and seeing someone i really wanted to made me feel like a teenager. The desire to see someone, wondering what they are like, even what they sound like (female singer i love her voice and wondered what she sounded like off track) all of these crazy emotions i had literally forgotten. It was the most beautiful thing ever.

I know this is getting long so ill wrap it up quick in hopes someone replies. I hadnt felt like that in almost a decade, I didnt know it was possible to completely forget emotion while being happy. I was flat i was content i am still happy but this whole thing left an impact, a huge one. I am trying to integrate this whole thing by trying to remove the boundaries i have set up to avoid getting close to people but its a strange thing to have to do. I dont even fully know why im posting this maybe for more feedback maybe to understand but i think i learned that being social is important because its a possible gateway to how i felt that night... i am cautious because clearly i have trust issues and try to control everything i feel like if i do this wrong ill get hurt again and lose the chance to change a long held belief that people arent to be trusted and have to be blocked from getting close. Maybe thats the issue i never put any meaning or emphasis to my interactions i dont value them beyond the time they occur, i value the 3 people i talk to but beyond that people drift by and i lose contact with everyone and dont care. Maybe i dont want that now, i dont actually know but what i do know is testing the waters cant be bad.

TL;DR: after a life time of short connections, years on heroin and in long relationships, i apparently forgot how to feel. Candy flipped at a show and suddenly felt emotions like a teenager (as someone who routinely candy flips a few times a year for a long time.) I have lived a happy life devoid of many friends or real connections im still happy but suddenly my view on that might be changing and im conflicted over my now apparent general lack of trust and walls i have put up to block people from hurting me... is it possible to feel both lost and newly discovered at the same time?

 

[pofacedhoe]

as you get older your emotions and social connections get less intense. old connections are still strong but new ones are agaisnt the background of a life half lived already.

it sounds like you keep people far away- so classmates cannot become friends? how the fuck do you make friends if you write everyone off?

sounds like you are emotionally stunted/unable to connect easily and the heroin made that moreso, then when coming off it maybe prone to feeling heightened rejection so cutting people away from you to stop u getting hurt. but is that really good for you?

plus if you are one of those "i'm in a relationship with ma gurl who needs friends?" types then yeah thats prob part of it too

i have 2 good friends from school 2 more from uni and a few close ones in last few years. i have friends i have lived with etc. how else am i gonna get friends? living with people seems to be the key creator of oppotunity better than school. i agree that co-workers i dont want as friends mostly cos its stupid to give a potential competition with different life values to you access to your home/social life. dumb- its the only group i agree with you on

 

[szuko000]

Actually your wrong on most accounts. I have been this way my whole life, leading a life where i dont need anything from anyone means i became self reliant and realistically view people as a means to lose that. I was like this before heroin the one thing heroin taught me was to question everyones motives. I dont normally have friends that invite me out so when ive had a girlfriend though id still see my friends i wasnt one to go out all the time. Also I do really prefer to spend most nights alone reading or practicing various hobbies, have always been sort of a loner introvert academic type

And i put all of my life into compartments not just people it makes it easy to remove issues. My main point is i do not value emotional bonds with others, you clearly do. So when you ask "how the fuck do you make friends" the answer is i dont care and i dont, i suddenly found a purpose for strong emotional connections.

My point is because i know people now have some use so i want to explore trying to be more open emotionally, dont get me wrong i have friends but my point is i often dont care. I dont care if i dont talk to people ive gone through like 10 "best friends" in my life literally one in middle school, high school, first 2 years of college, last 2 years, then after, now after that... so its not that i cant meet people and people generally respond quite well to me (this is how i got girlfriends in the first place) i just dont care normally, never have cared never felt i needed people.

You make it sound like this is something other then me literally not caring... that is what i said in the post i thought i didnt care but maybe now i actually. I am sorry but i feel most of your reply is aimed at someone with actually self hate issues and emotionally vacant, that is not me what i am saying is i view all interactions as fleeting and semi pointless... i want to work on changing that.

Its incredibly hard to put into words but realistically i almost still dont care which is why i want to try to pry open the door because 2 weeks ago it was "i really dont care for people" now its "perhaps i was wrong in a sense" Either way ill be happy because im happy now more so then ever... which is why i think i feel this way now.

 

[szuko000]

And in regards to my coworkers, I have worked with these people 5 years and believe me this place is different then most. Quick story one dude wayne was wanted on a warrant someone got the call told him and he bounced minutes before the police came. They came no one knew wayne one dude was like "never heard of him" and walked away. It took someone 30 seconds to say "hes black" when the cop asked... much like when homeland security shut us down for possible counterfeits and harboring chinese nationals (we dont and didnt our supplier from china was a massive counterfeiter we sell generic parts)... I work with an awesome group of people. Managers keep quiet too it was literally the coolest thing after they left i blurted out "wow i gained shit load of respect for all of you especially "P" that man doesnt know wayne but works right next to him" The warehouse is kind of in the hood and we are all as i say "here because we need to repent for something, dont believe any of us works here is clean of a past"

 

[malakaix]

Maybe i'm just too drunk but this is hard to follow.

I resonate with this:

that is not me what i am saying is i view all interactions as fleeting and semi pointless... i want to work on changing that.

I can connect with people but I never feel 'invested' in the other person; there's an emotional disconnection. I can have a laugh, have a conversation etc.. but if that person disappeared from my life, I wouldn't feel anything. I would just see it as the natural result of social interaction been in a state of fleeting moments. I know this is a coping mechanism because I have felt a deep connection to people before but through bad experiences I seem to have walled myself of from 'connecting' to people to a level where I might be emotionally vulnerable.

With that said, I like where I am at the moment.. I have more control. I feel less.. but life is more stable? Who's to say what's more appropriate. It's working for me at the moment.. but like yourself, it might take one intense experience with someone else, a substance or otherwise to crack me back open again.

 

[szuko000]

I can connect with people but I never feel 'invested' in the other person; there's an emotional disconnection. I can have a laugh, have a conversation etc.. but if that person disappeared from my life, I wouldn't feel anything. I would just see it as the natural result of social interaction been in a state of fleeting moments. I know this is a coping mechanism because I have felt a deep connection to people before but through bad experiences I seem to have walled myself of from 'connecting' to people to a level where I might be emotionally vulnerable.

With that said, I like where I am at the moment.. I have more control. I feel less.. but life is more stable? Who's to say what's more appropriate. It's working for me at the moment.. but like yourself, it might take one intense experience with someone else, a substance or otherwise to crack me back open again.

This is exactly it, i am having a lot of trouble expressing it because its who i am. I spent my entire life having friends, all different types, loving our time together but not getting over invested. It literally doesnt bother me that i feel this way in fact i feel happier then ever but the whole experience left some kind of mark like i finally found a tiny reason to try to change, if i dont i honestly think i wont care because thats how i feel... its how ive felt my whole life. I feel i have a lot of value and i have a high drive and consider myself extremely capable i barely need anyone in my life for anything so i keep my social circle tiny because why would it be expansive if i validate myself and dont require services from random people?

I honestly think its amazing that some kind of crazy candy flip (which i have done countless times in the past) coupled with a singer/band i really wanted to see could conjure up a "oh my god what if i have been wrong about this whole thing" It was the single most beautiful thing in my life it was refreshing and i want to hold onto it somehow, i could easily just be myself because i love me but as a dynamic and adaptive person i need to somehow integrate this.

 

[Erikmen]

^ I agree with you.

If someone I really like disconnected from my life I would feel something and I wouldn't want it to be any different as this is part of life and I believe we all need to cope with feelings like this so we are more prepared and opened for other new relationships. I don't want to feel I'm numbed. On the contrary I want to feel life and learn with it. I was numbed for a long time and I want to work on changing that like szuko00 says.

If one doesn't feel anything when someone they care or have a laugh together, maybe it's time to rethink how your drinking is affecting all of our natural emotions. Like drugs affect so many of us. Living alone and emotionless and not feeling vulnerable etc is the last thing I wanted to be or feel. We are humans after all and interactions make us grow and connect with the world.

 

[szuko000]

^ its just a weird thing to experience. Like i said this has been me my whole life thats why i dont have a "long term best friend" everyone spends their time and then i leave... i use to say id come back around to people "oh dont worry im moving to a different school but ill come hang out once in a while" never do or i leave a job "dont be a stranger!" "oh dont worry i know where you work ill visit" and then dont. So this job, my longest one, i changed that by saying "once im gone ill be gone forever, im tired of telling people ill visit when i never do, you guys are my like friends and this is honest" but i dont think i want that anymore. So I came to a cookout on my day off (on L because it was my day off and i trip frequently) i made food for my coworkers and hung out for an hour on my day off, everyone was surprised i showed up and i said "yeah well i had some kind of revelation you guys are my friends i should show up to be like Ha Bitches im here, with food!"

Like i said im starting small, ive started saying "I had an epiphany you guys are my only semblance of friends so im trying to show that" You also have to understand that ive worked with these people for 5 years, there are no new people here, so though all this sounds mean its fitting to my personality and i say all as an off hand joke. So it was basically met with "so now your trying to turn coworkers into friends, i thought you didnt do that" Its important to realize we are all extremely comfortable with each other so i can basically stand up and go "im the prettiest and smartest person here you all suck" and it will be met with "shut up and sit down god szuko your such a douche bag!"

Its very hard to do because im trying to learn to care about people in a sense, i am empathetic and all that normal stuff this is just something ive done with my interpersonal connections. Who would have known i could get such a lesson delivered in such a way that it feels like something i need to do, its confusing i barely know how but its amazing to have such a memory because of a person ill never have a true connection with that memory is sealed as not able to be spoiled. I wish everyone could have such an experience. Thank you for reading and replying, like i said its such a weird thing to realize and want to try.

 

[malakaix]

If one doesn't feel anything when someone they care or have a laugh together, maybe it's time to rethink how your drinking is affecting all of our natural emotions. Like drugs affect so many of us. Living alone and emotionless and not feeling vulnerable etc is the last thing I wanted to be or feel. We are humans after all and interactions make us grow and connect with the world.

Just to clarify I don't drink regularly it was just my birthday yesterday.

I agree with you. I ended up in this situation because I had to deal with a very sudden and dramatic shift in lifestyle where I lost contact with everyone I knew, friends, relationships etc. It's made me emotionally distant where I can go with the moment but I don't become attached to people or places. It works for me for now but I do want to change.. when I'm ready.

And that's the 'rub'. I'm controlling how I feel and respond rather then allowing it to flow because I remember the emotional wreck I was years ago when my life shifted.

Your definitely making more progress then me szuko. I still very much see coworkers as coworkers not friends. I'm there to work and then leave. I have no interest in their lives and I give them nothing about mine. I've always had this approach to work though.. I never mix personal life with professional life but it might be more pronounced at the moment.

 

[gmlifer]

I can totally relate to everything in your OP except the part where you suddenly feel the need to try new friendships. It's very rare to find someone that cares about you beyond the moment you are in.

I wish you good luck in your new path. Please do post the results.

 

[szuko000]

^ that's what makes this a stunning situation for the longest time I was and still am happy but this whole thing cracked some kind of door and I am determined to try to breach it. Like I know either way I'll be happy because I have been. I've done so much with my time that this must be the next thing... of all the lessons I have learned in life this feels pretty important, worthy of not forgetting. It was literally given to me in such a personal way I know I'll never forget what it was like, I wish everyone could experience something so personal.

I can't convey how surreal an experience it was like I said at one point I was hit with the thought "maybe I have been wrong... I feel like I was wrong about this" fucking hit me like a lightning bolt I kept saying to my friend "I think after this I'm going to be happy forever" I have a beautiful memory and this is me trying to do what I should with it. It is very out of character for me to give a shit about almost anything let alone people and sociability. I hope I can actually do this.