day to day: Synthetic Happiness

[tripper13]

Pills ...the feeling of milligrams running through your body entering through your nose like a line of coke just for a couple hours of forgivness and forget just to get your mind off those things everyone knows bothers you. Then once it wears off the pain is so un barable the only choice to survive is to work your way closer to death with opiates or sataives. each day trying to stop with lines but then the lines of words from notes you had wrote me about love send me right back to crushing a pill just for a smile. Syntheic happiness is just like anything else snythetic....not the real thing and never as good as the real thing. Just a cover up to make it look real. So the inside is what still hurts .From one minute the times and memories with you still being there to the next with nothing but empty space. she thinks i cheated but i didnt i did other things so i didnt cheat and to try to make both of us happy and the only thing that could do that was 6mg of xanax and a green monster everyday for a month or maybe more. Thinking addiction cant happen......but it did and now im stuck and at the edge of death vally looking down over the ledge knowing that with every line i get closer to the edge yet everyday with out pills i get closer to relapse and seizurs. started taking pills just for
us to be happy then you figureout your entering a room with no exit and then to find that the world around you isnt the same. That the decisions you made were wrong. That the decisions youve made are just destroying you as bad as the lossing of a loved one did. The synthetic happiness becomes synthetic living which can be considered sythetic death. Sythetic death since you feel like you might as well be laying in the back of a black hurst with loved one gathering around talking about you but mostly bad about you.ad the girls you loved most never even thinks to show or sheds a tear when she hears because of all this shit you put her through you dont matter to her any more your just and grave stone in a field with other. Pills like ambien give you vivid dreams... dreams that let you know where your going with obvious signs but you never pay attention till the next trip.... All the things ive done in my life suddenly come to me that i have it better then most i atleast have a roof over my head and a bed the only thing missing is the biggest part and shes far gone now. All gone because of me and my problems and my way of living all i can do is watch her go and really be happy while im stuck in a world of only synthetic happiness because of my decisions i made. anymore i lay in my bed or sit in my chair with a pen cut in half and a line of slow death infront of me. im addicted not only to opiates and benzos im addicted to sythetic happiness.
im a fuck up and i know i can turn it around somehow but i dont want people knowing i want to handle my mess by my self all i need is some good friends for support but thats hard to find now because of my mistakes:''(

 

[mwbmean]

Pills ..o get your mind off those things everyone knows bothers you. Then once it wears off the pain is so un barable the only choice to survive is to work your way closer to death with opiates or sataives. each day trying to stop with lines but then the lines of words from notes you had wrote me about love send me right back to crushing a pill just for a smile. Syntheic happiness is just like anything else snythetic....not the real thing and never as good as the real thing. Just a cover up to make it look real. So the inside is what still hurts .From one minute the times and memories with you still being there to the next with nothing but empty space. she thinks i cheated but i didnt i did other things so i didnt cheat and to try to make both of us happy and the only thing that could do that was 6mg of xanax and a green monster everyday for a month or maybe more. Thinking addiction cant happen......but it did and now im stuck and at the edge of death vally looking down over the ledge knowing that with every line i get closer to the edge yet everyday with out pills i get closer to relapse and seizurs. started taking pills just for
us to be happy then you figureout your entering a room with no exit and then to find that the world around you isnt the same. That the decisions you made were wrong. That the decisions youve made are just destroying you as bad as the lossing of a loved one did. The synthetic happiness becomes synthetic living which can be considered sythetic death. Sythetic death since you feel like you might as well be laying in the back of a black hurst with loved one gathering around talking about you but mostly bad about you.ad the girls you loved most never even thinks to show or sheds a tear when she hears because of all this shit you put her through you dont matter to her any more your just and grave stone in a field with other. Pills like ambien give you vivid dreams... dreams that let you know where your going with obvious signs but you never pay attention till the next trip.... All the things ive done in my life suddenly come to me that i have it better then most i atleast have a roof over my head and a bed the only thing missing is the biggest part and shes far gone now. All gone because of me and my problems and my way of living all i can do is watch her go and really be happy while im stuck in a world of only synthetic happiness because of my decisions i made. anymore i lay in my bed or sit in my chair with a pen cut in half and a line of slow death infront of me. im addicted not only to opiates and benzos im addicted to sythetic happiness.
im a fuck up and i know i can turn it around somehow but i dont want people knowing i want to handle my mess by my self all i need is some good friends for support but thats hard to find now because of my mistakes:''(

I know the feeling

 

[pharm]

then you figureout your entering a room with no exit and then to find that the world around you isnt the same.

I hear you tripper. These days I'm more or less clean, but the mental torment is just as potent. All I think about are all of the horrible things I've done to other people while in active addiction. All of the lies and all of the people I pushed away. Since I've been clean I've lost my car, my job and now my girl, in that order. Yet I refuse to help myself because, like you mentioned, I still have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I don't give my problems any worth because I'm always comparing my mental issues with everyone else's problems. Why do I deserve help when there are starving people in the world, etc?

I often feel like I need to do this alone so I'm not dragging people through my own shit, but you really can't do it this way. I moved across the country thinking a simple change in geography would fix me. I abandoned my support group (NA/friends) after step 1, thinking I could just take it from there. There are people out there who know exactly what you're going through. Don't worry about being judged by them because they're probably thinking the same about you!

You took a great step in just getting your thoughts down here "on paper". Now take what you've written and talk to someone. Goto a meeting. Even if you don't want to go through the steps or any of that stuff at least there will be people there who know what you're going through.

Take care of yourself!