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Day 1 of Hell

Unfortunately that's not uncommon after getting off opioids.

It tends to get better over time though.
 
JessTD said:
You know what? I cant find Kratom ANYWHERE on amazon.
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Hey Jess. I actually think the DEA got its hands on Kratum. It used to be widely available. Then places had to stop using any kind of card for payment, required e-checks and weeks of time to deliver. Amazon pulled it. Online shops disappeared. I live where weed is legal and found a headshop (not dispensary), that carries decent Kratum. It's not as easy to get as it was...
 
I didnt get anhedonia last time I went through withdrawal. How much time does it take?

And yeah, the drive thru corner store I have near my house sells Kratom and it's pretty decent stuff and affordable too. What's the best Kratom strain do you think? I started with red veined maeng da at first but have switched to a white veined maeng da instead. The white gives me more energy but it also gives me this uncomfortable fuzzy/dizzy feeling in my brain.
 
the joylessness will unfortunately last a while. you just have to accept that unfortunately, safe in the knowledge that, as long as you stay clean, it will come back. in a normal day i'll have a few instances of feeling better than i did for the vast majority of the time i was on the dark, not comparable to the times the dark is really good- though those happen naturally too, its much rarer.

it will be easier if you can work on the issues that caused you to use opiates, because that shit will be coming to the fore now you aren't numbing it, and will make it much harder to feel a sense of peace.
 
What's messed up is I remember the exact moment I caved. I had worked at this car dealership for 2 years. I had worked my ass off into a manager position and I was making decent money. My natural personality consists mostly of bubbles and rainbows so I tend to create kind of a family at any place I work. I worked for a company that was contracted to this dealership and it could get a little "them" and "us" at times. I could never understand why my company's owners felt that was as I had gotten really close to the staff I worked directly with. However, there was this one guy. He was married and had 7 fucking children but he was wicked creepy. I had 2 employees, both young girls (20 and 22 at the time), who I viewed as little sisters. I watched this man constantly creep on them and make them uncomfortable. One day, I confronted him. I had done so as professionally and delicately as I could. His response was to make life hell for all 3 of us. So my girls, unbeknownst to me, wrote statements on him. The dealerships management spoke to me about it, and I backed my girls up because IT WAS ALL FUCKING TRUE. The response was to claim I was lying and that I had pressured the girls to write false statements (even though I didn't) and I was fired as a result. I ended up alone at my house feeling horribly and unjustly treated. I had been clean for about 2.5 years at that point. I had recently learned of a guy that could regularly get pills and I was so low, it was all I could think about. So I tried to call people and I even had people come over and try to talk me through it but I ended up relapsing anyway. And then it took off from there.
 
ahhhh mate i can't blame you at all for caving over something like that cos tbh i nearly lost everything i've worked for in my recovery recently due to unfair bullshit at work. i was losing my mind for nearly 3 months and eventually just snapped and scored. it was shit, it didn't do what i wanted it to, namely make me feel good for at least a microsecond, and knocked me out for like 24 hours. so i didn't remotely think i'd do it again, but next time i walked past a homeless person i was fucking scoring again. it was nuts how reopening that neural pathway with one use took away my choice. this lockdown, not having to go to work and staying at my parents, has saved me from a full on relapse.

its fucking awful when you can see whats coming and you try everything you've been told to do to avert it and it still happens.

righteous indignation is so easy to fall in to, and i revel in it tbh, but i'm learning that it isn't healthy. i really hope you are able to find a new job and build on your past experience to make a stronger recovery and better career.
 
Well I actually did get a better job after that where I was making AWESOME money but the job was crazy stressful which coupled with what I was making drove me further into use. And then I was forced to quit because I was on my way to becoming the general manager of that hotel and my coworker wanted it and she had caught me doing drugs before so she basically ratted me out to corporate and rather than fave further humiliation, I quit. That was in January and I haven't worked since.
 
awww shit will yeah money and addiction don't go together very well. i got properly addicted to smack when i got my first proper job and every time i got a pay rise just increased my habit so i never had any more money. i'm working again now and just spend money on other crap. i'm broke as fuck and will be forever cos i owe my parents for my rehab and paying my bills and shit while i was really bad.

when you get some stability you will be able to work again and won't be at risk of shitty people ratting you out.
 
Yeah I owe mine a lot too and I always feel like their loser child even though my brother usually goes way harder than me and has felonies. I was lucky enough to only have a misdemeanor.
 
So how have you been doing Jess? Just read up on your story and currently going through something similar. It’s crazy how different WD can be each time. I was on 30-80mg of oxy a day and went cold turkey 6 days ago. First 2 days I was feeling okay (which I normally have the crazy chills and sweats by day 1) and the day’s seem to be getting worse! I’m trying to hang in there! I have kratom, Xanax, weed and loperamide. So I’m just trying to be smart and get through this. I took some kratom this morning and just took 18gs of loperamide tn. Wondering if I can take a Xanax when I go to bed to help with sleep. Thanks for helping inspire others!
 
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