darkest day of my life

[xabalba]

this thread consists of two poems documenting the darkest day of my life 1 week back, this particular day is the day after a 3 day bender of pills, weed and alcohol little food and no sleep, the first poem being THE BURNING consists of the days leading up to this depressing day and the second being OBLIVIOUS written later in the night when things had reached rock bottom and it is also bout my schizophrenia which i was diagnosed with 4 years ago, i hope it enlightens people to mental illness and gives some insights to wot goes on in a troubled mind.

THE BURNING

BURNING HATRED AND ANGER INSIDE
THE RISING IS CONFLICTING AND POLLUTING MY MIND
THERE IS NO RYHME OR REASON FOR ME BEING IN THIS STATE
NO ONE HAS PISSED ME OFF
ITS JUST PURE HATE
IT IS LIKE DRUM AND BASS, RELENTLESS!!!!
THE DRUMMING, THUMPING LIKE A THOUSAND WARDRUMS THUNDERING IN MY HEAD
I CAN FEEL MY VEINS PULSE IN TUNE
THE DRUMMING CONTINUES AS MY RATIONAL THOUGHTS SLOWLY DIE
SUCCUMBING TO AN ENDLESS NIGHT
THE LINES FROM THIS SCREEN ARE DISTORTING AS I WATCH THEM SNAKE ACROSS THE PAGE
SPILLING THIS VILE LITTLE MONSTER OUT IN SCRIPT
RELEASING ME FROM ITS STRANGLEHOLD
BUT IT IS TEMPORARY
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH POSION I PUSH THROUGH MY BODY TO CLOUD ITS JUDGEMENT
WHEN THE EUPHORIA WEARS OFF IT IS THERE TAUNTING AND LAUGHING AT THE FAILED ATTEMPT TO EXTINGUISH ITS EXSITENCE
WHY WON’T IT LEAVE ME BE
IM SHAKING LIKE A JUNKIE GOING THROUGH WIHTDRAWLS
IT WANTS ME BACK IN THAT PLACE
THE GREY IMPOSING HOSPITAL
SO THE DOCTORS CAN FLOOD MY SYSTEM WITH THE ANTI PSYCHOTICS DESTROYING MY WILL POWER KILLING MY URGE TO WRITE
THE WRITING IS THE ONLY THING THAT SEEMS TO HOLD THIS BASTARD IN CHECK
IN THE END IT IS ALL IN MY MIND
THE VOICES
THE ANGER
THE HATRED
THE PARANOA
THE CONSPIRACY IT CAUSES SEEKS MY DESTRUCTION AND IT TRYS TO GET ME TO TURN AGAINST THOSE THAT CARE
THOSE THAT ARE THERE
THEY TRY THEIR HARDEST TO CALM ME DOWN
THEIR SUPPORT WILL BE MY DRUG THAT OVEROSES THIS MALICIOUS SPRITE
OH SWEET PEACEFUL EXISTENCE I LONG FOR THEE
TO BE UMONG MY OWN KIND
THE FREAKS
THE MONSTERS
THE UNKIND
ONLY THAN WILL I BE FREE FROM THIS ETERNAL STRUGGLE WITH THE DEMONS INSIDE
I WILL TRULY BE HOME
BUT IN THE END NO ONE TRUELY UNDERSTANDS AND I AM ALL ALONE

OBLIVIUS

LONELY I SIT OUT FRONT OF THIS DECAYED STATION
THE WARM BLOOD TRICKLES DOWN MY HAND
THE KNUCKLE CONTORTED IN A SICKENING DISPLAY
WATCHING AS HUMANITY PASSES ME BY
ALL OF THEM OBLIVIOUS TO MY PLIGHT
ALL OF THEM TRAPPED IN THEIR MUNDAN WORLDS
HOLDING HANDS WITH THEIR LOVED ONES
NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD
LIVING THEIR HAPPY EXISTENCE
WHILE MY WORLD CRUMBLES
WHILE NO ONE GIVES A DAMN
THE BITTER COLD NIGHT CHILLS MY TEARS
AS THEY ROLL DOWN MY CHEEKS
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE
REACHING AND BEGGING PRAYING FOR MY SALVATION
TRYING TO STOP ME FROM PLAYING IN TRAFFIC
TRYING TO STOP ME FROM ENDING MY LIFE
THE MESSAGES COME RAPIDLY
VOICES OF HOPE IN THIS FUCKED UP WORLD
CARING AND PLEADING FOR MY SAFE RETURN
REALISATION SETS IN THAT PEOPLE DO CARE
THAT IM NOT ALONE IN THIS CRAZY MIND FUCKED WORLD
IM NOT ALONE

thank you for taking the time to hear my story anyadvice and opinions would be much appreciated.

cheers XABALBA

 

[leiphos]

anyadvice and opinions would be much appreciated.

Writing entirely in uppercase, especially with longer works, will turn your reader off before the first sentence. If you want every letter to look the same, just use all lowercase. It's significantly easier to read than uppercase. Studies have been done on this.

 

[xabalba]

thanks for the advice when i wrote both of them i was just so angry that i didnt bother with the fact that it was uppercase i didnt really see it as a problem so next time i post something i will do it in lower case thanks again

 

[ControlDenied]

i like the poiem and can relate, but probably so can alot of people, rememberthat, alsl yes, writing all in uppercase , and dont learn to make excuses cuz of your illness

 

[xabalba]

im sorry if i came across as making excuses for my illness that wasnt my intention, this poem The burning was a way to explain to friends some off the things i go through with it, i knew i wouldnt b able to explain face to face so i wrote it out, thank u 4 your advice

 

[ControlDenied]

thank you, no problem, i feel almost exactly the same way way too often to not be nuts myself, unfortunately i come from a family that doesnt believe in mental problems...that is really hard friend

we live in a sad sick world i guess, but we're not alone

 

[anarchogen]

Itsss metalll!!!