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cutters - you are not alone. (merged)

thanks seuss for a very helpful and insightful read. i don't wanna delve into anything personal, but i just wanna thank you for putting it all into perspective :\
 
Really informative thread. Its nice to know I'm not the only one out there...

I think more people cut/injure themselves than the general population realizes. And its good that people who werent aware of it before now are. Maybe it will help them to understand what other people are going thru...

I went to counseling thru my school and clearly remember the look of disgust on my counselor's face the first time I wore short sleeves. She pretty much starred in disbelief at my scars and then told me that I was "beyond help". After that I never went back to her. Has anyone else had similar experiences?
 
thats some pretty friggin good inof..thanks...yeah i used to be a "cutter", but i just kinda grew outta it, i do have those tendencies a lot though. i just never knew what caused it or anything...i just knew that it made me feel beter, even when i wasnt depressed, although, its still cool in sex, yes i am one of those "hardcore" sex people, heh, anyone who reads this reply tell me some of your weirdest sexual moments
 
I've been a cutter for god know how long...LONG before drugs ever were in the picture. Sept 01 I met this guy who was the same way, but he was into drugs. Didn't think twice about the best piece of advice anyone's ever given me: "if you ever feel the need to cut, smoke a bowl" Cuz you know once you've done that you've forgotten why you were upset or you really just dont care anymore. Since then, I've always kept that in mind, and whenever I had weed I never cut myself. Actually right now I dont think I will again, my last LSA trip caused me to evaluate this whole cutting self thing and I dunno it in no way makes anything better, just for the 5 seconds while actually doing it...and as a person who is modded(pierced/inked) cutting suddenly makes everything I do to my body seen as mutilation when it's not. I feel there's enough shit people say about modification, and I'm not trying to help that by cutting myself while I have a more important spiritual thing going with my mods, they dont need to be looked down upon over something I feel I can stop even tho I don't *quite* understand why I did it in the first place or how I ever started. I am fully aware tho, that I've done it sort of as a cry for help a couple times, kind of a "look at me and save me from myself" type thing...and every time that help I needed was from that guy I mentioned above, he is a dear friend :)
 
i just fell back into again... "clean" for almost 2 weeks..
in that time i started smoking and fucked up my wrist again.
this is AFTER I spent 10 days in the psych ward for it (and stuff).
why can't I kick it? fuck this :(

the other day my math teacher started talking about a student she once had who was a "self-mutilator"
everyone in the class just started shit-talking it all, and there i am, sitting there with nothing really hidden, and people saw, and then looked at me, then kept talking. i felt like shit...
 
back in middle/early highschool i use to cut and burn myself alot, that with major depression and a suicide attemp landed me in 7 months of treatment, i havent burned myself since i was 20 that was about 7 years ago or even cut myself for even longer. I do however, get really mad/sad/frustrated sometimes and hit my head several tmes on the wall and pull my hair out, its really fuked up. Im not "glad" per say to hear im not alone, but its some sort of reaasuring that im not totally crazy! im really grateful that bluelight offers me all the many insights that they do.
 
Great thread and responses people - I've learned alot just by reading it!
 
I love cutting. It's so addictive. My brother was doing it at school and got sent to the mental hospital for a while b/c he went to deep on his arm and started bleeding massively. But that didn't stop him. I don't think anything is gonna help and I wish people didn't consider every case of cutters a major problem.
 
{{dr seuss}}

Well done, a FAQ was in order on this not recognized enough yet all too prevalent topic. :)
 
i have permanently disfigured my hand from punching things, broken doors in half, put my fist through windows. at one point i used to burn myself with matches which i still have scars from. i was also fascinated by using iv drugs. I used to think that it was just that i was a violent pissed off asshole but now that i think about it when i was in kindergarten i used to pull the skin off my hands to the point of bleeding. does this mean that i am actually a nutjob?
 
this thread is absolutely shocking. i didn't realize there were so many people out there that harmed themselves. i'm not condemning any of you...i'm not in your shoes and i have no right to say anything. it's just alarming.

i can't say that i was ever a "cutter", but i went through a similar phase from childhood to just into college. i've always been a tomboy, so i always liked getting dirty or being rough. doing both of those things can get you cuts and scabs. i always picked my scabs so that i'd have scars, because i thought scars made you look tough. i always wanted a cool scar on the side of my face, or on my leg or something. so when things did scar and start to fade, i'd dig into them more so the scar would stay.

i still, to this day, chew the insides of my mouth. just because i like the way the skin feels when it's being peeled off. because i like the taste of my own blood. because it gives me something to do when i think....too much btw.

*shakes head* just shocking.
 
faris said:
i can't say that i was ever a "cutter", but i went through a similar phase from childhood to just into college. i've always been a tomboy, so i always liked getting dirty or being rough. doing both of those things can get you cuts and scabs. i always picked my scabs so that i'd have scars, because i thought scars made you look tough. i always wanted a cool scar on the side of my face, or on my leg or something. so when things did scar and start to fade, i'd dig into them more so the scar would stay.
Click to expand...

Please don't take offence at this faris, cause I don't mean it at all as an attack...but I think it's a disservice to compare people who self-injure with what you described above. Just my opinion, but I'll say why..

The reason I cut myself, and the reason a lot of people do, is not because they want to be cool or put across some kind of image to the world to get more respect or whatever...it's because a lot of the time it's the only way we have to deal with pain.

I don't really know how to describe it in words, and it's different for everybody of course, but for me, I know that when I hurt myself I feel like I'm taking ownership of my pain. I feel like the world's going to fuck me over anyway, I might as well be the one responsible for some of it so that I know it's not someone else doing it TO me for a change. It also gives me something else to focus on...when I'm hurting myself physically, I'm not hurting so much emotionally. And finally, in a way it's the only way I have of expressing the depths of how much I'm hurting.

Having said all that, it's been a couple of months since I've cut myself at all. I don't really feel comfortable having razors in the house just to be on the safe side, and sometimes I really have to sit myself down and make myself find a different way of dealing with stuff, but I feel a lot better for it.

Like I said, no offence meant by any of the above, but I hope it clarifies a few things...

--Raz-- :)
 
I always knew that my boyfriend used to be a cutter before I met him - it started after he'd been on Zoloft for 6 months or so, he said that he couldn't feel, and he started cutting up his face/chest/back/arms/legs pretty badly. He stopped, and said that he hadn't done it for a year.
I had a fight with him on Sunday, and went out with my best friend. When I came home, I noticed cuts on his face, and asked him about them.. he started crying, and said "I told you that I needed you"
I checked his arms and chest, and his chest is absolutely covered with cuts - absolutely covered. There's hardly an inch above his nipples that isn't cut.
I don't know what to do, I took him to the doctors today to talk about his depression, but he's refusing to go back on Zoloft, he says that he never wants to feel like he did when he was on it again.
Does anyone have any advice?
 
(MissGracey, i'm going to assume that you and your boyfriend have made up from your fight...)

i often cut when i am really upset, like after fighting with my boyfriend. i get this horrible numb/pain feeling inside of me. i know that sounds contradictory, but the feeling is really hard to put into words. its like there is a pain somewhere inside but i feel numb to emotions and such. cutting myself "releases" the pain inside because i can focus on the pain in my wrists, arms, legs or where ever. hopefully that will give some insight to why he may have cut himself...

there are alot of other treatments for depression besides zoloft. maybe another SSRI would work better for him, everyone is different. often times just talking to a psychologist/psychiatrist on a regular basis is enough. it takes time to find the right treatment so you both need to be patient. its already a big step trying to get help.

as for what you can do, be there for him. and as hard as it may be, try not to treat him any differently. i get terrified if people find out that i cut myself, they will judge me and treat me differently. like they will watch what they say and feel uncomfortable around me. these worries add onto an already depressed feeling. and the most important thing is to keep supporting him to get help, this isn't a problem you can deal with on your own.

sorry if i rambled and i hope i made sense. you can PM me if you have any questions or want clarification or whatever. hope all works out for you
 
heh, thanks for the advice
yeah we made up, and he's been put onto another SSRI, the name of it escapes me at the moment
He's down at his mothers at the moment, he says he needs some time away from me, that I don't love him in the way he wants me to love him. :(
 
People always wanna know why I cut and a lot of times it's hard to explain. I do it for a lot of different resons. Sometimes it's when I've just got in a big fight with my family or something like that. When I feel really upset about something to the point I feel like I'm gonna just start screaming and crying. But then I cut myself and instantly the choaking sensation of tears trying to come, stops. There is no earge to cry, I feel releaf come with the blood.

I am always depressed, but there are times that I cut or burn myself simply for the rush. It's almost is like I can get high off the stinging sensation of a jagged knife being sawn roughly across my skin or the burn of a ciggarette being slowly put out on my flesh. I think it has something to do with how my life always seems so hollow, empty, and nothing. It's like the cutting and burning is at least SOMETHING. But I like it too well. When I try to look for a job or go somewhere where I have to look respectible, I have to wear long-sleaves no matter how hot it is outside. My thin arms are laced with scars from cuts and ciggarette burns and my veins are lined with track marks from my drug habbit.

It's hard to explain cutting. There are lots of things that trigger me to do it. And I get so high off self-mutilation, it's almost scary.

smokin8balll
Before I cut I look like this ------> :(
While I'm cutting I look like this ----->:)
After I cut I look like this -------->8)
 
i am a reformed cutter! yay!!!

i hate the fact that i still bear the scars, tho they are fading. scars are always a reminder of all the hard times ive gone thru, just looking at the gashes on my wrists brings back the emotional pain that made me cut in the first place.

good luck to all the other cutters out there
 
I used to cut. It lasted for about a year, the reasons were many, varied, hard to explain. I was still living with my parents at the time (I was young, 13-14 about). After the first year I did it less and less, and then I was my insomnia returned (I was chronic, but it left for about six months) and I started having panic attacks a lot. About that time some assholes felt like it was the time to lay on every piece of guilt and shame possible on me. Public embarrassment, causing of the breakup of a long time girlfriend, outcasting, etc. So then I cut again one night. My first night in about a month I had done it, and I cut deep this time. I wanted the release big time now. But I overstepped in, too big of a knife, too hard, too fast. I cut my forearm very deep and very long, I was bleeding all over the place. A trip to the hospital, eight stitches, and two therapy sessions and I was back at school, pretending nothing happened. No one that I know personally knows about my whole experience with cutting, but unfortunately the scar I gave myself is lifelong, and I will always bear it on my shoulders. I am glad I cut so deep, it got me to stop, but it was very traumatizing for me, and I still have nightmares about it. No one has asked about the scar yet, and I hope no one ever does. I don't want to remember.

--Tangible
 
*Possible triggers*

I cut myself for a while, but it stopped really doing anything for me. When I self-injure now, it has to be with something drastic. I've burned myself with cigarettes, cut my arm open with a rusty utility knife (that got infected...), and I've burned myself with cigarettes on my wrists, ankles and forehead. The ones on my forehead healed surprisingly well, I think that the exposure to the sun reduced most of the scarring. I'll punch myself in the face, usually in the jaw area - it's just easier to do that when I'm wigged out than to find something to cut myself with or light a cigarette to press into my skin. Probably the worst thing I've done - though I only had first degree burns from it - was pour scalding water down the inside of my forearm. Guess it wasn't hot enough. I've also punched cars, my own windshield, walls, and a few other inanimate objects I can't recall right now.

Does this help me? Sometimes. The cigarettes-on-the-forehead thing got me to stop worrying so much about what other people think about me, and got me to stop worrying so much about my appearance. I'll normally have panic attacks every now and then, sometimes for some very baffling and confusing reasons, but these have become less severe and more infrequent since I've started more serious and intensive forms of self-injury.

I know where this all comes from, too. It's not like I have a deep phiosophical explanation for this, but this dates back to when I was 15-17 and had recurrent amputation fantasies. They weren't sexual, I just believed I'd be a better person if I lost a hand or an arm or burned off my fingers with battery acid. Maybe this is more about getting validation, sympathy and approval from other people, I dunno.

Of course, I did have some pretty bizarre ideas and beliefs when I was a teenager. A couple non-drug visual and auditory hallucinations, too, but I was able to figure out what they were, although it was scary as hell having half of a grinning, bloated corpse hovering over you. The bulk of these have been in the form of shadow-people, shadow-animals, or shadow-creatures, which are apparently more common and can result from sleep deprivation. The fleshed out hallucinations were a bit harder to deal with.

At one point I was convinced I was physically dead for about four days, and projecting myself on the real world. Hey, it made sense at the time.

My only auditory hallucination was a voice whispering, "What should we do with him?" followed by a different voice saying "rice". It didn't make any sense then, either.

I'm diagnosed as rapid-cycling bipolar, but I think I'm a pretty likely candidate for some kind of personality disorder, possibly BPD. I exhibit other Borderline symptoms other than self-injury.

Again, I'm not endorsing anything, self-injury is a dangerous and potentially fatal behavior, I'm just recounting my own experiences with it.
 
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