Crossroads

[Foreigner]

I am sitting here alone in the dark after a really trying evening. I can't seem to get in touch with any friends and I feel quite alone. My usual coping mechanisms aren't working. I'm posting here because... I just want to know that someone else is reading it, that I am acknowledged.

I've been suicidal for the past week. Three of my friends died this week. These were people who I subconsciously thought were indestructible. I should know better... I should know by now that nothing is permanent and nothing is guaranteed. Everything gets tainted eventually, by darkness and evil. Something about their passing hit me deep. I didn't cry or anything. I just went about my life. But it planted a seed of abandon. Like... how could you do this, didn't you know that I needed you? Who I am going to turn to now about _________? What does life mean now that you're gone?

I was feeling really good today and so I went to a Buddhist ceremony across town. It was meaningful and I felt positive, but at the event for reasons unknown my GI condition started acting up and I started bleeding profusely. I'm still bleeding now, but it's not as bad. I just feel really weak, listless, worried. This fucked up body and its problems... this disease that keeps sapping my vitality.

So what do I go and do? The most toxic thing ever. I went on Facebook and scrolled through the news feed... about everyone's happy lives, their accomplishments, their travels, their progressions. I know people just post the best stuff on there, you never see the full picture. But it still hurts. The internal message is, "This isn't meant for you. You're not like other people. Get used to it." They say when one door closes another opens, but I don't see the open door. This chapter seems so endless that I don't even know if I can call it a chapter. Maybe it's just my life now.

Everyone I know treats me like I'm some guru because of all the insights I have, but what they don't realize is that my insights are informed from trauma after trauma. I am a wounded healer. I keep getting wounded. I don't know how to keep absorbing the bad things that happen in my life. Every time something bad happens, I am given a task to transform. But how much more can I take? Why can't I just have basic needs fulfilled? Basic human things. Like loving contact and affection. Why is everything such a song and dance just to get those basic things? Like money and houses, and muscles and cars, and "success" and good self-marketing. I am tired.

I don't want to die but it feels like I'm not living. I can't work full time, I can't even work part time. But my health is not amazing. I can't fix this, I can't cure myself. And I'm alone. Nobody has time... they are all surviving, or moving into the next phase. I'm stuck right here. I make healthy strides and maintain good outlooks, I have solid inner inquiry... but on nights like tonight, it's one step forward two steps back.

I know this is all temporary and I know that the best part of me is untouched by all this... but on a moment to moment level there is still great suffering and I don't know how to reconcile it. It seems beyond me. I'm not the one doing it.

Basically I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want healing touch. I want connection. I want to hold and be held. But in this world, it seems I am not _________ enough. Whatever it is. I am so tired of being the one who is raw and vulnerable while others don't want to face their shit. I am tired of being on the outside because I don't have money and success. All my wealth is invisible, and it doesn't belong to me. It's on loan. I swear, if I had a healthy body, I would just be homeless right now. I don't want anything to do with this sick society. I just want to roam and live in a tent, or under a tree. Anywhere but this concrete jungle.

The house I visited today... it was opulent, it was gross. It was so huge that I wondered why a man, a woman and two children need all that. Like not just wealthy, but opulent. Spiritual materialism. And yet having all that stuff is meritorious to people... like being wealthy is being mistaken for having really accomplished some serious inner work. Yet these people were dead energy. Their home felt like it had seen a lot of conflict. But they were being praised because they owned such a lot of beautiful crap.

I'm in such a tailspin. Don't take for granted that I'm OK just because I have wisdom. I suffer like everyone else. I'm in an ugly pit of transformation or perhaps nothingness. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I'm sorry to contribute this negativity. Usually I try to be more positive. I am just out of it,.

 

[neversickanymore]

I worry that i will never find a life partner as these days I seem to wander among children all day long. idk if its just a phase of my journey, but I hope so. like so much of this world it just seems cruel. Cruel to find myself at such an amazing place, but at times lonely as the devil. Like finally wandering out of a harsh desert into a paradise and realizing almost no one made it out yet.

Sometimes I fantasize about being a Joe six pack. I wonder what unknown bliss resides in fortified ignorance. What if i could put in my 40 hours and return home to a family and a tv that's never off. What if i needed to do was crack a macro brew, shovel in some leftover casserole and turn on fox news in order to be blissfully suspended in a divine warm amniotic blanket of my own ignorance.

God what a blessing it would be to be a sheeple.

I hear you about health impeding true freedom.. if i did not have to take an expensive chemical daily to live i would have already been hell and gone with whatever fit in a backpack.

Cruel as gets.. like chaining a bird to the ground... though im free still

 

[Ziiirp]

I am sitting here alone in the dark after a really trying evening. I can't seem to get in touch with any friends and I feel quite alone. My usual coping mechanisms aren't working. I'm posting here because... I just want to know that someone else is reading it, that I am acknowledged.

Ditto. Lost my phone recently (not that I am the person who uses their phone usually) and now I am only in touch with people, that do not use their phone, either but other communication media (talking email not antisocial networks). I.e. people like me. If the persons you are trying to reach don't realize, that you need company right now, then they are either similarly devastated right now or they aren't your friends, imho.

I've been suicidal for the past week. Three of my friends died this week. These were people who I subconsciously thought were indestructible. I should know better... I should know by now that nothing is permanent and nothing is guaranteed. Everything gets tainted eventually, by darkness and evil. Something about their passing hit me deep. I didn't cry or anything. I just went about my life. But it planted a seed of abandon. Like... how could you do this, didn't you know that I needed you? Who I am going to turn to now about _________? What does life mean now that you're gone?

That is some hardcore shit (sorry, I just woke up, vocabulary still on entry level). There is some suppressed grieving going on, you should not try to conserve this state. Nobody can do that, unless they are psychopathic. You should try to let it out. That is what rituals are there for.

I was feeling really good today and so I went to a Buddhist ceremony across town. It was meaningful and I felt positive, but at the event for reasons unknown my GI condition started acting up and I started bleeding profusely. I'm still bleeding now, but it's not as bad. I just feel really weak, listless, worried. This fucked up body and its problems... this disease that keeps sapping my vitality.

So what do I go and do? The most toxic thing ever. I went on Facebook and scrolled through the news feed... about everyone's happy lives, their accomplishments, their travels, their progressions. I know people just post the best stuff on there, you never see the full picture. But it still hurts. The internal message is, "This isn't meant for you. You're not like other people. Get used to it." They say when one door closes another opens, but I don't see the open door. This chapter seems so endless that I don't even know if I can call it a chapter. Maybe it's just my life now.

Why do you just not withdraw from that platform ? It is an entire waste of time and energy. Plus it does not even supply any innovative feature. It is simply rubbish. Was ever.

Everyone I know treats me like I'm some guru because of all the insights I have, but what they don't realize is that my insights are informed from trauma after trauma. I am a wounded healer. I keep getting wounded. I don't know how to keep absorbing the bad things that happen in my life. Every time something bad happens, I am given a task to transform. But how much more can I take? Why can't I just have basic needs fulfilled? Basic human things. Like loving contact and affection. Why is everything such a song and dance just to get those basic things? Like money and houses, and muscles and cars, and "success" and good self-marketing. I am tired.

It is simple. The doctrine works. But you would be astonished to find out, how many people feel really empty inside because of that doctrine. The younger the people are, the more desperately they seem to try to reach that level of perceived wealth. Recently talked to a younger girl (highschool graduate) and literally her third question was "How much do you make a month?". Later I found out how confused that girl is and I grew to like her. Shows that our next generations are even more consumed by false ideals. Unemployment rates grow proportionally with the pressure and fear of "failing".

I don't want to die but it feels like I'm not living. I can't work full time, I can't even work part time. But my health is not amazing. I can't fix this, I can't cure myself. And I'm alone. Nobody has time... they are all surviving, or moving into the next phase. I'm stuck right here. I make healthy strides and maintain good outlooks, I have solid inner inquiry... but on nights like tonight, it's one step forward two steps back. I know this is all temporary and I know that the best part of me is untouched by all this... but on a moment to moment level there is still great suffering and I don't know how to reconcile it. It seems beyond me. I'm not the one doing it.

In my view they are moving to the previous phase.

I already mentioned it : If the physical trauma gets unbearable suicide is an option imho. As long as there are ups and downs (like in my case and perhaps yours?) there is still much to learn about oneself, even with a counterproductive physical handicap.

Basically I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want healing touch. I want connection. I want to hold and be held. But in this world, it seems I am not _________ enough. Whatever it is. I am so tired of being the one who is raw and vulnerable while others don't want to face their shit. I am tired of being on the outside because I don't have money and success. All my wealth is invisible, and it doesn't belong to me. It's on loan. I swear, if I had a healthy body, I would just be homeless right now. I don't want anything to do with this sick society. I just want to roam and live in a tent, or under a tree. Anywhere but this concrete jungle.

I think your recent need for contact is tightly coupled with your suppressed grieving rituals. Did you not meet a helpful person at that Buddhist ceremony ? What do you mean by healing touch ? A sexual relationship ? It can be a short term solution, but what will follow if you do not pay attention is a romantic partnership, which is always doomed to fail of course. At least in our current environment IMHO. Perhaps not the correct approach, if you are in a temporal vulnerable mind state.

The house I visited today... it was opulent, it was gross. It was so huge that I wondered why a man, a woman and two children need all that. Like not just wealthy, but opulent. Spiritual materialism. And yet having all that stuff is meritorious to people... like being wealthy is being mistaken for having really accomplished some serious inner work. Yet these people were dead energy. Their home felt like it had seen a lot of conflict. But they were being praised because they owned such a lot of beautiful crap.

I can relate. I feel uncomfortable in a personal space with more than 10 square meters. I just need a bed and a table+(comfortable) chair. Perhaps a wardrobe but thats not required.

I'm in such a tailspin. Don't take for granted that I'm OK just because I have wisdom. I suffer like everyone else. I'm in an ugly pit of transformation or perhaps nothingness. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I'm sorry to contribute this negativity. Usually I try to be more positive. I am just out of it,.

I like ! There will be better days again. If not, can you change your location to another far away habitat with okay healthcare ? Out of your comments I interpret you do not seem to like your current environment that much, but that could also be transient.

 

[Dcole461]

Just wanted to say I acknowledged you even though it's 4am

I didn't cry or anything. I just went about my life.

I know what you mean. 2 years ago my grandfather died and I had to leave work, I couldn't stop crying. Fast forward 18 months and my grandmother died and didn't register any emotions. The 18 month period in between changed me a lot and I didn't finally break down until I was playing a piece at her funeral (she used to come to church to hear me play). I realized that her passing was the real end of my childhood (though I'm late 20's). I never get to go to grandma's house again, no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...

What does life mean now that you're gone?

That wasn't my main reason for replying though, but it definitely struck something in me.

The house I visited today... it was opulent, it was gross.

I have had coworkers that have 7 bedroom houses (just her and her fiancé), coworkers with rolexes, prada bags, coworkers that can't decide between 3 $700 pairs of shoes so buys them all. Meanwhile I am over the limit on my credit card and sometimes have to wait til payday to eat again. A result of my actions and decisions but seriously?? If I had enough to spare to buy a prada bag, I would buy the $200 stuffed animal I saw today and give the rest to charity.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I am sitting here alone in the dark after a really trying evening. I can't seem to get in touch with any friends and I feel quite alone. My usual coping mechanisms aren't working. I'm posting here because... I just want to know that someone else is reading it, that I am acknowledged.

I've been suicidal for the past week. Three of my friends died this week. These were people who I subconsciously thought were indestructible. I should know better... I should know by now that nothing is permanent and nothing is guaranteed. Everything gets tainted eventually, by darkness and evil. Something about their passing hit me deep. I didn't cry or anything. I just went about my life. But it planted a seed of abandon. Like... how could you do this, didn't you know that I needed you? Who I am going to turn to now about _________? What does life mean now that you're gone?

I was feeling really good today and so I went to a Buddhist ceremony across town. It was meaningful and I felt positive, but at the event for reasons unknown my GI condition started acting up and I started bleeding profusely. I'm still bleeding now, but it's not as bad. I just feel really weak, listless, worried. This fucked up body and its problems... this disease that keeps sapping my vitality.

So what do I go and do? The most toxic thing ever. I went on Facebook and scrolled through the news feed... about everyone's happy lives, their accomplishments, their travels, their progressions. I know people just post the best stuff on there, you never see the full picture. But it still hurts. The internal message is, "This isn't meant for you. You're not like other people. Get used to it." They say when one door closes another opens, but I don't see the open door. This chapter seems so endless that I don't even know if I can call it a chapter. Maybe it's just my life now.

Everyone I know treats me like I'm some guru because of all the insights I have, but what they don't realize is that my insights are informed from trauma after trauma. I am a wounded healer. I keep getting wounded. I don't know how to keep absorbing the bad things that happen in my life. Every time something bad happens, I am given a task to transform. But how much more can I take? Why can't I just have basic needs fulfilled? Basic human things. Like loving contact and affection. Why is everything such a song and dance just to get those basic things? Like money and houses, and muscles and cars, and "success" and good self-marketing. I am tired.

I don't want to die but it feels like I'm not living. I can't work full time, I can't even work part time. But my health is not amazing. I can't fix this, I can't cure myself. And I'm alone. Nobody has time... they are all surviving, or moving into the next phase. I'm stuck right here. I make healthy strides and maintain good outlooks, I have solid inner inquiry... but on nights like tonight, it's one step forward two steps back.

I know this is all temporary and I know that the best part of me is untouched by all this... but on a moment to moment level there is still great suffering and I don't know how to reconcile it. It seems beyond me. I'm not the one doing it.

Basically I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want healing touch. I want connection. I want to hold and be held. But in this world, it seems I am not _________ enough. Whatever it is. I am so tired of being the one who is raw and vulnerable while others don't want to face their shit. I am tired of being on the outside because I don't have money and success. All my wealth is invisible, and it doesn't belong to me. It's on loan. I swear, if I had a healthy body, I would just be homeless right now. I don't want anything to do with this sick society. I just want to roam and live in a tent, or under a tree. Anywhere but this concrete jungle.

The house I visited today... it was opulent, it was gross. It was so huge that I wondered why a man, a woman and two children need all that. Like not just wealthy, but opulent. Spiritual materialism. And yet having all that stuff is meritorious to people... like being wealthy is being mistaken for having really accomplished some serious inner work. Yet these people were dead energy. Their home felt like it had seen a lot of conflict. But they were being praised because they owned such a lot of beautiful crap.

I'm in such a tailspin. Don't take for granted that I'm OK just because I have wisdom. I suffer like everyone else. I'm in an ugly pit of transformation or perhaps nothingness. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I'm sorry to contribute this negativity. Usually I try to be more positive. I am just out of it,.

I certainly don't have a problem with you being "negative" or pessimistic. You got to let it out or things get even worse and I certainly understand loneliness. It hurts fucking bad. I live with loneliness on many levels. I have no insights that would really help other than to just say I'm here listening. You can't fix life, you just got to live it or kill yourself. Those are the choices. I have a lot of empathy for your plight because it's very much like my own and so I understand it. Take care brother. Tomorrow is another day.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

What you're going through is temporary. It's never good to compare yourself to others. Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor about any of your issues? They can be helpful even if it's just to get another perspective on things.

 

[Foreigner]

My family has pitched in to get me talking to a counselor, for the low low price of $145/hr. I am not hopeful. And I resent having to pay so much fucking money just to be heard by someone.

What I'm going through may not be temporary, if I can't cure myself.

Although I guess eventual death makes it temporary.

 

[Foreigner]

Like finally wandering out of a harsh desert into a paradise and realizing almost no one made it out yet.

I know how you feel. It sucks to see so many people asleep at the wheel. The virtuous side of me wants to be of service and help as many people as I can, if I could just get physically well enough to do it. But another part of me just says fuck humanity. The two wolves duke it out all the time. I understand why Theraveda Buddhists don't relate to the Mahayanas. They're just like, "See ya! I'm going to hold up in this cave for 10 years, become enlightened, and you can all fuck off."

Sometimes I fantasize about being a Joe six pack. I wonder what unknown bliss resides in fortified ignorance. What if i could put in my 40 hours and return home to a family and a tv that's never off. What if i needed to do was crack a macro brew, shovel in some leftover casserole and turn on fox news in order to be blissfully suspended in a divine warm amniotic blanket of my own ignorance.

I didn't have the other stuff, but I did have the six pack... not for vanity reasons, but because I loved being so fit. I miss that a lot... that vitality.

God what a blessing it would be to be a sheeple.

I'm having trouble discerning anymore if it's a benefit or not. It seems like being aware of more doesn't really mitigate suffering, but I guess it does provide a sort of refuge of truth...

I hear you about health impeding true freedom.. if i did not have to take an expensive chemical daily to live i would have already been hell and gone with whatever fit in a backpack.

Cruel as gets.. like chaining a bird to the ground... though im free still

I miss backpacking. Asia stressed me out when I was there in a lot of ways, but in other ways it was such a peak learning experience. I am still learning things that began back then.

I know ultimately that I am free... but on a personal level, on a meat level, on a very human level, I feel totally imprisoned.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

At 63 and with Neuropathy that limits walking especially with loads I miss the physical aspects of life. I was a Martial Arts instructor and trained in wilderness survival. I used to spend half my summers in desert canyons in the Great Basin with a dog and a 22 rifle and a small pack and just roam and explore like a kid. That's all gone now. That kind of exercise and distraction kept me vital and undepressed for the most part.

As far as being a sheep and finding comfort there I have finally concluded that I'd rather not. As difficult as my life is I find solace in the knowledge that I continue to learn about "reality" and to accept my fate and face hard truths. I find myself really admiring myself at times which is kind of a huge thing in my life. Also to face the fact that when things get bad enough I'll have the courage for suicide. Sheep don't commit suicide. They go to the hospital and get drugged so they don't feel what's happening.

 

[Ziiirp]

Great post @Cosmic Trigger.