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Cross Cutting

Altered_Soul9

Altered_Soul9

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 31, 2003
Messages
2,146
This is a poem me and my friend John wrote in the middle of a poetry reading. I really liked it and wanted to share. I wrote lines 1,3,5,7,9,12,14,16,18...He wrote lines 2,4,6,8,10,11,13,15,17,19. critique


~Let me help you off your cross.
From your burden of hatred cast upon by the death of faith.
~You smile mocks my disbeliefs.
As I strike you from behind and destroy your kingdom in fallacy.
~ I feel the void made by your hateful penance.
The void devours you, and I rise to your once high position.
~The feeling of power overwhelms my ability to breathe.
I place you in Hell, in everlasting pain.
~As I resurrect my strength to combat the world.
Your scream of revenge permeates the dark
I have risen above your strength.
~I’ve accommodated for your weakness,
But you will not find refuge in my solace.
~You will perish in the dry heat and ponder the reasons fro your demise.
Never to rise from the ashes to walk in the lines of my acceptance again.
~You plummet from your position only to land into the damned.
You scorn your creator, forsaken from his kingdom.
~My pity knows nothing of you.
I murdered you long ago and have long forgotten your face.
 
hmm

Maybe you should try and say something in your poetry.
..and try and keep it in your own voice.
...and if it sounds contrived it probably is.
 
hmm.....
Let's see, writers write, singers sing, people who write idiotic replys only show there inner stupidity
 
Pantomime7 said:
hmm.....
Let's see, writers write, singers sing, people who write idiotic replys only show there inner stupidity
Click to expand...

brilliant!

i really liked how you told me what lines you two each wrote. as it stand this is great, and then you can read what each of you wrote alone. this operates as three poems in one. awsome work guys.

very deep, and well...i see meaning all over the place. each line just plays off back and forth. it is like the argument between one mind, two halves...

i love to write poetry with others. another fun one is to hide what each has written last. you get some strange stuff, but every now and then some gems.

and i agree, you two should keep writing!!
 
This is awesome, Atered_Soul!!! This def. gave me chills, the fact that its actually intertwined effort of two people is so powerful!



skjalff
 
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