People say I'm officially crazy. Can you believe that?! Of course, many people claim to be crazy. Many people claim to have problems. I know a girl who wanted to run away from home just because her mother wouldn't buy her a TV for her room. Oooh, what a terrible, terrible life. That poor girl has no one to share her problems and woes with and it's driving her crazy. Sorry, think not. You may think I'm crazy. Who knows. I know that my parents think I'm crazy. Many strangers think I'm crazy. And those crackhead, cigar smoking, madmen that they call psychiatrists and actually allow to try to help people (what is the world coming to these days...) think I'm crazy. I'm what keeps their children fed and clothed. I don't think I'm crazy. I prefer other terms, such as "protestor to normality" or "a few eggs short of a dozen." But then again, who wants a dozen eggs? In your life, you probably use up about half of those eggs. So why not start out with half? I've always been taught that it's bad to waste things. It's not that I'm crazy, it's just that you all don't understand me. Maybe if you lived as I do, you'd realized that I'm just like you. Here, let's try a little experiment. Do me a favor and bang your head against the wall. There, isn't that relaxing! Better than yoga, if you ask me. Can't you see yourself doing this every day? Once you start feeling dizzy and numb and a bump appears, you may want to stop-at least for the time being. Here's another exercise: make up a routine of things to do and repeat it over and over so it's a pattern. Now get it into your thick skull that if you don't follow this pattern, or if you screw it up, you are a FAILURE. Then do it over and over again. If you mess up, prepare to feel like throwing yourself off a cliff. See, there's nothing wrong with this! It's a perfect natural feeling! Okay, we'll go through one last thing. Right now, think of happy things. Let's say you just had an ice cream cone, and you really like ice cream. Now you're really happy! Show us that you're happy. Jump up and down and yell really loud. Get so excited that you talk and talk and talk and talk like you're running a race and you just have to win. Talk as if you're thinking. Interrupt yourself. This is the only way to really express yourself. Soon, you'll feel like you are the best person on earth. You are a great person. You can do anything! Because you're so happy, just let all your self-control go. You don't need that to succeed in life! Do things like randomly bite people. Or suddenly scream in a silent area. It doesn't matter what you do, you're on top of the world! Since you're such a great person, why don't you do something to prove how great you are? Do something like jump out of a moving car. Or run across a busy boulevard in front of many cars with your eyes closed. You can do it, you're the ruler of the world!!! Keep having fun. Now you're going to change. You're going to find an inkstain on your favorite shirt. Or you're going to get a C+ on a test that you studied your butt off for. Now, obviously you're a failure. You can't do anything, can you? You should be sad. Cry out loud in public. Get hysterical over small things that happen. Throw things when you get mad. Bang your head against the wall. Try to learn for yourself that knives are sharp and can make you bleed. Take this anger out on other people. When everyone is sick of you and you now are convinced that everyone else thinks you're as much as a loser as you know you are, go home and stay in bed thinking about nothing until you are physically forced out of bed. Stop eating, stop doing things that used to make you happy. Then one day, suddenly go back to being happy. Repeat this process over and over and over again. Throw in some nervous fidgeting and jumping around and never, ever sit still. There you have it, folks! Now you can see for yourself that I am NOT crazy. What is so difficult about seeing this? You just went through a part of my life. There wasn't anything funny or unusual there. Nothing that should make you feel as if you should make fun of me, or whisper about me, or laugh at me, or think I'm a crazy nutt, or try to upset me, or just totally avoid me. But you do it anyways. You know, it isn't really too bad. It's always an accomplishment when you stab me and I don't even flinch. It took years of practice, but the stabbing never let up back then, so I quickly adapted. It's really neat, because you can't even see the cuts on the outside. But you know something, I hate to make you feel as if you've succeeded in doing something, but I have to let you know that I really would appreciate it if you stopped this. I mean, I'm sure it completes you as a person and makes you a happy, fulfilled human bean, but it's kinda making all these holes in me and everything is draining from me. I used to fight it, but I can't anymore. I try and try, but there's too many stabs! Can you let up a little? I swear, if you let up, I'll try harder. I'll try to make you all happy. I'll tape my mouth shut and sit perfectly still and never show any emotions at all. I'll agree with everything you say and do everything you tell me to do. Anything for you! And the whole time, I'll even wear a complimentary smile. Whatever it takes to make you happy. Then I will know that I have succeeded in life.
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