ChemicallyEnhanced
Bluelighter
Background: I am a heavy (25-35 cigarettes most days) smoker. I'm overall in poor health with many chronic health problems. THREE of my grandparents have died of lung cancer.
I've had a chronic cough for many, MANY months that has been gradually getting worse. Sometimes I feel short of breath for no reason (I'm slim, fit and in my early 30s) and it doesn't seem related to how many cigarettes I've had recently (ie whether I've been only having 20 a day recently or 40+) and it's just as common when I'm sitting resting as when I'm doing something active. Mostly, for the last three or four months I have had a constant pain in my back, specifically my (I don't know what counts as left or right lol...the side my heart is on) ribcage to that side, but the pain is in one small area and over the months has become there more and more to the point where it is almost constant now. There's no joints there and I have not hurt or injured the area in any way (I've broken ribs before and it feels nothing like that). It's definitely not muscular, and I both had shingles last year and have diabetic neuropathy in my legs so I am very familiar with nerve pain and it is not that either.
This was the first/main symptom my grandmother had with her lung cancer.
And also...why am I not worried or scared in any way? All I feel is slightly relieved at the idea it could possibly be terminal? I have tried to kill myself many, many times over the years, with the first serious attempt at ending my life being when I was only 11 years old. While I don't feel actively suicidal and haven't for a good few years now, I also do not un general do anything that might prolong my life, either: I make no attempts to quit smoking or smoke less, I don't exercise, I'm a type 1 diabetic and never take my insulin, I abuse my prescription medications, etc.
I just...I dunno. I absolutely do not actively want to die...but at the same time, the idea that I may only live months or a couple years seems a massive relief as opposed to another like 50 years.
Honestly not sure what I'm asking here? I just feel kinda lost and confused. Maybe advise?
Despite the above I do plan to make a doctors appointment on Monday.
I've had a chronic cough for many, MANY months that has been gradually getting worse. Sometimes I feel short of breath for no reason (I'm slim, fit and in my early 30s) and it doesn't seem related to how many cigarettes I've had recently (ie whether I've been only having 20 a day recently or 40+) and it's just as common when I'm sitting resting as when I'm doing something active. Mostly, for the last three or four months I have had a constant pain in my back, specifically my (I don't know what counts as left or right lol...the side my heart is on) ribcage to that side, but the pain is in one small area and over the months has become there more and more to the point where it is almost constant now. There's no joints there and I have not hurt or injured the area in any way (I've broken ribs before and it feels nothing like that). It's definitely not muscular, and I both had shingles last year and have diabetic neuropathy in my legs so I am very familiar with nerve pain and it is not that either.
This was the first/main symptom my grandmother had with her lung cancer.
And also...why am I not worried or scared in any way? All I feel is slightly relieved at the idea it could possibly be terminal? I have tried to kill myself many, many times over the years, with the first serious attempt at ending my life being when I was only 11 years old. While I don't feel actively suicidal and haven't for a good few years now, I also do not un general do anything that might prolong my life, either: I make no attempts to quit smoking or smoke less, I don't exercise, I'm a type 1 diabetic and never take my insulin, I abuse my prescription medications, etc.
I just...I dunno. I absolutely do not actively want to die...but at the same time, the idea that I may only live months or a couple years seems a massive relief as opposed to another like 50 years.
Honestly not sure what I'm asking here? I just feel kinda lost and confused. Maybe advise?
Despite the above I do plan to make a doctors appointment on Monday.
