Coping with life without drugs

[Pagey]

So I've been sitting in front of my computer for a good half-hour wondering what I should write here. I have so much on my mind at the moment though and no one to really talk to it about, so I feel like something should be coming out. Well I'm currently withdrawing from a strong addiction to benzos. I quit cold turkey about 3 weeks ago but just got put back on clonazepam after going to the ER yesterday following a seizure so I'll be tapering for a while now. So obviously that really sucks, I've been quite sick and depressed and shit...but I guess the hardest part is just figuring out what to do every time I have a sad thought now. I mean for months, whenever I didn't feel good psychologically/emotionally I'd just take some pills, and then I'd either fall asleep in a matter of minutes or just feel nicely relaxed. I got addicted to benzos a few months ago cuz I'd just been globally depressed for years (mainly because of the sudden death of my best friend when I was 15, and another used-to-be-close friend of mine attempting suicide the year after) and was sick of dealing with that the natural way...I'm so pissed at myself now because since then I've lost more things and I realize how much better I had it and that maybe if I hadn't gotten started on benzos, some things could've been avoided. My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me a couple months ago for another girl (who was supposedly my friend...complicated story) even though we were gonna move in together in a few months and he kept telling me how he wanted to spend his life with me and stuff. Well anyway I'm sure you're all aware how it feels when your first long-term relationship ends. So that was a hard blow...anyway there was lots of other stuff too but this is the most pertinent example to explain why I feel like I'm not worth anything anymore. I mean, a couple years ago I had a shitload of friends, had never been happier than with this guy, was feeling great about myself cuz lots of other guys were asking me out, whatever, the list goes on, point is I was really confident. Now I just feel like a worthless nuisance, like I'm a burden to the world and stuff - like the world would be better off if I left it. I tried that but I failed - again. Even that I couldn't manage.
I've been trying to channel all my 'despair' (sorry, that sounds super dramatic but I didn't really know how to put it) through writing, which is my absolute passion, and have been working on a novel but in the back of my mind I'm always thinking that it's not good, that it sucks and that I have no talent...I dunno. It doesn't help to have my dad repeating to me that he wishes I'd've been good in math and science like him, and not some crappy literary person.

So now that I'm trying to get off benzos I don't know what to do. I know it'll get better eventually...or at least, I know that one day I'll know that. It's just hard to see it right now. The world seems like a different place now that I've tried to leave it. So dull and gray and boring, and empty, really empty. Like it has no more to offer. And now I'm finding myself trying to deal with that the natural way for the first time in a while...God it sucks. I don't really have a point here, I think I just need to release it all, blow off some steam and hopefully get some answers/supports/ideas whatever. Anything would be appreciated really. By now I've learned that Bluelight is full of compassionate and caring people so I think this is the appropriate place to post this

 

[RobotRipping]

sorry to hear you're having a rough time. It's great that you've been able to channel your negative energy through writing. Even if you feel like you have no talent, it is therapeutic and like everything will take lots of practice. I think it's quite common in benzo withdrawal to have incredible self doubt about everything you do. If you are passionate about writing then just keep working at it. Some of the best things i have created were in a terrible state of withdrawal.

You've been through a lot, especially recently. It's so difficult at first, the memories of everything seem so vivid and real. Everything seems so intense and overwhelming. This isn't normal though and is not how life is going to be. Things will get much easier with time. The intensity will fade. It is like relearning to live completely, like being a child and becoming conscious.

You'll get your confidence and self worth back as you learn to deal with your issues head on rather than taking a pill. I feel like when I was a massive drug addict i let everything build up and eventually i cracked and drugs or no drugs i had a mess to clean up. I'm still working at it now, months and months later. Plenty of small steps and i struggle constantly but i definitely feel better than when i first quit benzos. If you can, i'd find someone to talk to, it will help you learn to deal with life in new ways and figure out what caused you to fall into addiction in the first place. I struggle with a lot of the same things you do. For me, getting to the root of the problem and letting go of the things that keep me down has been a big part in my healing. Keep working at it, even if things aren't perfect they will at least get better.

 

[i against i]

you've been thru a lot so obviously have the ability to deal with things "naturally" which i guess you mean, without drugs, but not everyone's coping mechanisms are heathly. i don't know what yours are but it may help talking to a therapist to identify them and strengthen your coping abilities and developing non-drug ways to deal with lifes battles.

as for your dad, you don't need that shit, without literature life really would be as empty as it seems to you.

be prepared to feel shitty emotionally for a while after you've stopped taking benzo's.

 

[scott474]

To Original Poster: Hi...it sounds like you are very young (not sure though). Iam male 38 yrs old. I have had anxiety aslong as I can remember. I have been on klonopin 1-2 mg for years. Please I implore you get off the benzos, they not good in the long run. If you use a benzo please take when you realy really need it. I dont judge! who am I to judge but life will get better without the use of a benzo. I myself is now trying to ween off, not easy after 10 yrs of being on the drug. I too just got out of a reationship with a women after 3 yrs because we started to fight aot over the stupidest stuff. I am a pretty decent looking guy and we all have faults, sometime I think I will never meet the right women and get married (yes men think about that stuff too) Anyway, back on the subject. Iam sure your a nice person but please try to get off. Iam not saying benzs ae bad, just dont use them as a crutch for lifes probems

 

[Jakeperson]

I know the feeling all too well. Take a pill and every thing is fixed.

I am 4 weeks clean and it getting seriously hard. I really don't know how to help but I can tell you, you aren't alone.. Oh and don't take Phenibut!

 

[Pagey]

Thanks a lot to all three of you, I really appreciate it I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year but it hasn't really helped much. She just doesn't seem to get me and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about my drug issues, even though they are now a big part of my life (sadly). I think I'm going to try looking for another one.

Yeah my dad's always brought me down a lot it's a bit tough...gonna be going to England to study literature next year but the only reason he's letting me do that is that I said I'd pay for the whole tuition fees AND living expenses (which I have no idea how I'm gonna manage, gonna spend my whole summer and next few years working on the side), otherwise he would've made me stay here in France to study economics or something like that that I really don't like. And whenever I try to talk to him about a good book I've read, or how I'm happy with something I wrote myself, he makes it quite clear he doesn't give a damn...anywayyy doesn't really help build confidence when you hear that from a young age. I dunno, it's just something that's always bugged me a lot. Also my parents are getting a divorce, ugh.

Scott - yeah I'm 18 years old. As I mentioned in the first post, I am trying to get off benzos in fact I was off them until it got quite dangerous and doctors at the emergency room told me to get back on them, haha.

Jakeperson, what's wrong with Phenibut?

 

[badfish45]

I know how you feel Pagey, because I don't really feel worth anything either. But I suppose people keep telling me I am, and I somewhat feel like they're right. But you definitely are worth something, you just are used to relying on a pill to make yourself feel better, and you'll just need to find a new outlet in your life. A new recreational activity, perhaps exercise. It's a great way to relieve stress and negative emotions, it gives you a goal to go for and it's basically a healthy distraction. Whenever I exercise the thought that keeps me going is the fact that I know I'm only improving my health unlike with drugs when I know I'm hurting it.

 

[herbavore]

Pagey, glad to see you posting here for support. Have you ever thought about joining a writing group? I have taken lots of writing workshops that have different formats and I have also been in leaderless writing groups where we just all share our writing on a regular basis. It can be a great way to get feedback in a safe space and to be with others who love the written word. I know there are quite a few online groups like this but I like the actual physical presence.

It is not easy to develop a positive sense of self worth in this world. We are barraged at every turn to feel bad about everything from our physical appearance to how much we possess to whether we are single or in a couple. Then we develop the habit of evaluating our self worth with these external barometers and we are lost. Learning to develop that strong core within is a lifelong endeavor but the good news is that it gets easier with age and there are constant rewards along the way. I was in one relationship after another when I was young because I simply had no self worth unless someone from the outside was adoring me. I will never forget the absolute sense of freedom I got the first time I forced myself to stay single for a period of time, worked through the loneliness and self-consciousness and then came out the other side actually enjoying my solitude and independence. Just remember that this uncertainty is very normal at your age and it is not all a bad thing. Some of it is simply learning who you do and do not want to be.

I think your idea to change therapists is a good one. It is a waste of your time to be talking to someone that you cannot fully trust. Having a therapist know about your drug use and be comfortable and respectful talking about it seems crucial. You should feel proud of where you are in respect to your use and having a therapist that will support you in that would really help.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I'm quite young and I used to traffick oxycodone, and I used to be heavily addicted. a few weeks ago I quit, so now I just get wasted as shit.

 

[herbavore]

^ Eyes, you quit what? What are you getting wasted on then?

 

[Pagey]

Thanks badfish and herbavore I'm trying to force myself to go swimming every day, or at least a few times a week. I think it's been helping me relax and get out of my head for a little while every day.
I didn't know about writing groups, but they sound great and I'll definitely look into that. The funny thing is I don't actually like having any of my friends/family members read what I've written because it just feels so personal that I somehow only want it to be read by strangers - it's strange. But I think a writing group sounds like a really good idea.
It's very true society seems to aim at making us feel unworthy. I'm glad to hear that it's a normal phase...and that it's just a phase. For now I'm just counting the days until the end of summer, because in september I'll be leaving to university in London and I think the change of atmosphere/living alone/studying something I love will really help me. I think I just need to sort of start my life over again.

 

[Hrubenstein]

I agree with the exercise being a good outlet for you. Its important to find healthy outlets when in recovery. Maybe you should check out an AA or NA meeting as well, it sounds like you have a lot to talk about which would be very therapeutic for you. You need to understand that you don't need other people to validate you, your ex is not who made you so you have to learn to feel good about yourself for who you are. My ex girlfriend dumped me because I could not stop using and I was crushed but after going to treatment and being in recovery I'm realizing that yes I did indeed screw up but I don't need her to feel good about myself. I am a good person and I have a lot of great qualities.