Not sure what I expect from this;
But long-story short my nearly 20 year relationship has ended. After months of duress I finally learned what the REAL problem was. Apparently, Birds and Squirrels are sending my 'ex' messages. He feels the messages are from God and his deceased Parents. In this instance the message was an indication that we needed to seperate/part ways/ should not be together. Literally because as I left the house one day (in october)a bird landed on a bannister. I just found out the bird thing two weeks ago, and really went through a lot of stress over the past few months. Now that I know this, I recognize the futility of ANYTHING I can even think or try to do to 'help' -- there is literally nothing I can do. So when I called to basically say, 'o.k. I get it, lets just go our seperate ways' -- he relayed to me that a squirrel was on the balcony when I was with him (in January...the morning after he told me about the birds and squirrels) and kinda suggested that that was further "proof" that this was something he needed to do (I'm thinking, really, a tree rat?). This is where it kind of went over the deep end for me because now my thinking is 'damn, so if at anytime while we are together, either a squirrel or bird, passes by he will think it means he shouldn't be with me?' The difficulty for me is he says this is something he feels like he has to do and does not want to do -- I think he genuinely believes that. So its odd in that the relationship has ended -- over -- but we are still very much in love with each other (?) -- granted once I knew I was dealing with the squirrels and birds I knew it wasn't rational -- and with God and his parents there is no competition.
I think there may be an element of Mid-life crisis going on. We are approaching our 40s, and the MLC thing was just not on my radar -- so though I noticed stuff I didn't have a proper perspective. When I refllected on our converstions over the past year, I realized this had been an on-going issue for several months. The whole life-evaluation thing is something I'm always doing so I didn't think too much of it; but he expressed dissatisfaction with his current 'position' and has this new mantra of 'getting to the next level' (whatever that means). I was somewhat alarmed when he started cutting off his old friends like decades long and life-long friends-- I did make a comment about that at the time ( because the reasons he told me I thought were petty, I said specifically -- you can't just cut off all your old friends) -- but I only learned in January that the birds and squirrels were guiding those decisions. Similarly with a tenant he evicted; the reasons he told me at the time seemed minor; i said as much -- the decision had more to do with a bird on a utility wire. He relayed multiple stories about the birds/squirrels signs, ranging from personal life to professional life. I remained non-judgemental and told him it took a lot of courage to tell me that stuff. I am not sure if that was appropriate because he said maybe he just needed to be more open with others (and I just don't think he should share that with people who are not very close to him).
I know this is not my fault, but I may have triggered it. I had some difficulty dealing with my grandfather's aging and mortality. I may have expressed my concerns about being 'alone' too emphatically because it seems that I may have caused him to think of his parents (both deceased). He hadn't mentioned his parents much, but conversations about them steadily increased. Consequently, when my grandfather really did die -- I had to deal with it without my love; my ex was 'dealing with his parent's loss and couldn't be there for me'(they have been deceased several years)...as sympathic and empathic I am for my ex -- I just don't know if I can forgive that, when I needed him most he bailed out on me. At the same time, I know he is going through something now -- but I'm still hurt. And truth of the matter is, not only am I greiving my grandfather -- but my relationship too. This is really fvcking with me -- I can't concentrate. I'm not even angry, feel an overwhelming amount of empathy -- but because of the 'delusion' anything I do will only antagonize the situation. I went ahead and cut off communication -- kinda said I didn't want to communicate with him anymore (I don't have a choice, I can't be your friend if God and Your Parents are telling you not to answer my phone calls; and the situation is causing me too much stress and pain for me to continue to strive). At the same time, I feel like I'm abandoning a person in need(which kinda makes me a hypocrite).
I never said anything to him about the Mid Life Crisis thing, and I didn't really say anything about the delusions -- me pointing it out won't help. I have decided to 'let it go' -- no other choice really. But I also know that I'm not 'over it' and probably won't ever be. I don't feel remorse or anything; but I've never wanted anyone else...never been in love with anyone else..and this 'new reality' just does not compute. I guess I'm just heart-broken. I know I will be ok with time. But that this delusion is expressed in this way I can't help but take very very personally. I could handle the squirrels telling him anything else -- but 'stay away' from me. That hurts -- and that must be something he feels really really deeply -- even if he won't admit it to himself, so its this message from God and his parents...what? This schit has created a lot of issues for me. I'm a good-guy -- and I'm learning we always finish last.
As a side note a drug may be involved too...some new 'trendy' drug that's supposed to work with the pineal gland and give 'near death' experiences. When he told me that I said, 'what? That's something I only need to experience once'...I'm not looking to experience DEATH in life, wtf? Anyway he said he hadn't tried it; but he was always more experimental with drugs than I; and I really doubt somebody 'told him about' a drug that he did not try. So when i looked it up, DMT (he didn't even give me the right acronym) its a freaking psychedelic hallucinogen. I don't know.. nothing I can do to help and heart broken all the same. What can I do for me? Is there anything I can do for him? Is there anyone that has crossed this bridge that can provide some insight?
But long-story short my nearly 20 year relationship has ended. After months of duress I finally learned what the REAL problem was. Apparently, Birds and Squirrels are sending my 'ex' messages. He feels the messages are from God and his deceased Parents. In this instance the message was an indication that we needed to seperate/part ways/ should not be together. Literally because as I left the house one day (in october)a bird landed on a bannister. I just found out the bird thing two weeks ago, and really went through a lot of stress over the past few months. Now that I know this, I recognize the futility of ANYTHING I can even think or try to do to 'help' -- there is literally nothing I can do. So when I called to basically say, 'o.k. I get it, lets just go our seperate ways' -- he relayed to me that a squirrel was on the balcony when I was with him (in January...the morning after he told me about the birds and squirrels) and kinda suggested that that was further "proof" that this was something he needed to do (I'm thinking, really, a tree rat?). This is where it kind of went over the deep end for me because now my thinking is 'damn, so if at anytime while we are together, either a squirrel or bird, passes by he will think it means he shouldn't be with me?' The difficulty for me is he says this is something he feels like he has to do and does not want to do -- I think he genuinely believes that. So its odd in that the relationship has ended -- over -- but we are still very much in love with each other (?) -- granted once I knew I was dealing with the squirrels and birds I knew it wasn't rational -- and with God and his parents there is no competition.
I think there may be an element of Mid-life crisis going on. We are approaching our 40s, and the MLC thing was just not on my radar -- so though I noticed stuff I didn't have a proper perspective. When I refllected on our converstions over the past year, I realized this had been an on-going issue for several months. The whole life-evaluation thing is something I'm always doing so I didn't think too much of it; but he expressed dissatisfaction with his current 'position' and has this new mantra of 'getting to the next level' (whatever that means). I was somewhat alarmed when he started cutting off his old friends like decades long and life-long friends-- I did make a comment about that at the time ( because the reasons he told me I thought were petty, I said specifically -- you can't just cut off all your old friends) -- but I only learned in January that the birds and squirrels were guiding those decisions. Similarly with a tenant he evicted; the reasons he told me at the time seemed minor; i said as much -- the decision had more to do with a bird on a utility wire. He relayed multiple stories about the birds/squirrels signs, ranging from personal life to professional life. I remained non-judgemental and told him it took a lot of courage to tell me that stuff. I am not sure if that was appropriate because he said maybe he just needed to be more open with others (and I just don't think he should share that with people who are not very close to him).
I know this is not my fault, but I may have triggered it. I had some difficulty dealing with my grandfather's aging and mortality. I may have expressed my concerns about being 'alone' too emphatically because it seems that I may have caused him to think of his parents (both deceased). He hadn't mentioned his parents much, but conversations about them steadily increased. Consequently, when my grandfather really did die -- I had to deal with it without my love; my ex was 'dealing with his parent's loss and couldn't be there for me'(they have been deceased several years)...as sympathic and empathic I am for my ex -- I just don't know if I can forgive that, when I needed him most he bailed out on me. At the same time, I know he is going through something now -- but I'm still hurt. And truth of the matter is, not only am I greiving my grandfather -- but my relationship too. This is really fvcking with me -- I can't concentrate. I'm not even angry, feel an overwhelming amount of empathy -- but because of the 'delusion' anything I do will only antagonize the situation. I went ahead and cut off communication -- kinda said I didn't want to communicate with him anymore (I don't have a choice, I can't be your friend if God and Your Parents are telling you not to answer my phone calls; and the situation is causing me too much stress and pain for me to continue to strive). At the same time, I feel like I'm abandoning a person in need(which kinda makes me a hypocrite).
I never said anything to him about the Mid Life Crisis thing, and I didn't really say anything about the delusions -- me pointing it out won't help. I have decided to 'let it go' -- no other choice really. But I also know that I'm not 'over it' and probably won't ever be. I don't feel remorse or anything; but I've never wanted anyone else...never been in love with anyone else..and this 'new reality' just does not compute. I guess I'm just heart-broken. I know I will be ok with time. But that this delusion is expressed in this way I can't help but take very very personally. I could handle the squirrels telling him anything else -- but 'stay away' from me. That hurts -- and that must be something he feels really really deeply -- even if he won't admit it to himself, so its this message from God and his parents...what? This schit has created a lot of issues for me. I'm a good-guy -- and I'm learning we always finish last.
As a side note a drug may be involved too...some new 'trendy' drug that's supposed to work with the pineal gland and give 'near death' experiences. When he told me that I said, 'what? That's something I only need to experience once'...I'm not looking to experience DEATH in life, wtf? Anyway he said he hadn't tried it; but he was always more experimental with drugs than I; and I really doubt somebody 'told him about' a drug that he did not try. So when i looked it up, DMT (he didn't even give me the right acronym) its a freaking psychedelic hallucinogen. I don't know.. nothing I can do to help and heart broken all the same. What can I do for me? Is there anything I can do for him? Is there anyone that has crossed this bridge that can provide some insight?