Contemplating suicide

[ILikeSub]

I've been contemplating suicide and been having powerful urges of self harming. I used to be a cutter and I haven't been cutting for six or seven years except for three or four relapses.2 or 3 of them in the last 6 months.one not all that long ago. My last relapse,about a month and a half ago. I recently quit heroin 2 and a half months ago. I've had 4 relapses. One of which was my first ever overdose. I've been using heroin on and off for ten years. When not on h I'm taking sub as a better alternative cost wise and it gives me an effect that is not too powerful making me useless like h does plus your lifestyle changes in general after switching but at the same time I often get pretty decently off of my sub when I am done with my day and just chilling... I digress.I am 26. I overdosed in my room mates bathroom. I had dropped some liquid methadone and slammed some fire h an hour after taking the done and hadn't done any sub for two days and I only take a quarter a day iv since quitting h. I have never overdosed before on opiTeate and that's because I never slam all of the shot I loaded right away.two thirds and then wait seven seconds or so and if I know I can handle rest I slam it.im sorry I'm rambling. I am so damn fucked up inside...maybe if I had died when I fell out in my best friend aka room mates bathroom,it would have been for the best...the reasons for these feelings I'll say if anyone replies but I don't think anyone will because I sound pathetic.. I just..I am hurting bad if anyone is out there

 

[ILikeSub]

Please someone...

 

[Kittycat5]

Im here man. Please respond as I want to know youre ok. Im in no way qualified to handle stuff posted in TDS, but know the pains opiate addiction and life in general can cause and that suicide is never an answer I would consider. If you want to vent to me, do it. Just dont hurt yourself right now. Everything else you can work on later.

 

[Alicia420]

Hey buddy I been there before. Trust me, suicide won't do any good. It's the god damn opiates, the H, that is doing it. I went through this too. In the beginning opiates make you feel all mighty and powerful then it's a double edge sword. We can't live with them and can't live without them. Right now we need to understand you a little more man. What kind of life do you have? What kind of family? How are you financially? Tell me about yourself other than the heroin addict.

 

[ILikeSub]

I am 26 years old I live with my best friend my financial situation but I barely have any money I do jobs for him and I guess he pays me very well but still you know it's not consistent work all the time and lots of times I don't have any money barely enough to support myself have it and when I grew up you know I had a rough childhood mom disappear the dad in and out of prison constantly then when I turned 15 or 14 he started drinking really heavily and doing heroin and crack with me and stuff and he'd getting drunk and fights with me where he'd be drunk I don't drink by the way and he would work in this fight and you've gotten to hundreds of this fight the last you ending with me being hit with a cup over the head and getting a concussion and bleeding for 3 hours but just been f***** up and I just I don't know I don't know what to do I know that she I'm hurting like a mother f***** and I've been f****** up I've been working but I'm still not doing all that well and I feel fucked..much more fun than I usually feel I feel just like slashing the s*** out of my arms and feel like I'm f****** jumping off the Milwaukee Bridge.I have to go to work can I come back and talk to somebody can I respond when I get back if anybody else responds..and if someone responds I'll tell them I'll tell you guys more about my past and family because that's a huge part of all this.I just don't have the time right now I just woke up from being heavily xanaxed out last night and I got to go to work. I just hope you guys respond

 

[Moreaux]

I'm sorry your going through this and feeling this way. You mentioned that you have begun cutting again, that is a big red flag that you need to get help. It sounds as though you're depressed and entering into an even greater depression. I am a cutter as well and have found that cutting usually precedes major emotional issues such as depression. I think you need to get a handle on your mental health and then other areas of your life with improve.

The addiction/depression cycle is brutal and it's so easy to get stuck. I've been there several times in my life and the only thing that has ever helped me was to address the mental health piece. Can you see a psychiatrist - I think that is probably your best bet to breaking out of this. I also recommend trying to lower the amount of drugs you use, particularly Xanax. I took Xanax for ten years and found that Xanax made my depression worse.

As bad as you feel right now try to keep in mind that these feelings are temporary - it can and will get better. Try to focus on what is motivating you to use drugs and work to resolve that. It's not going to be easy and will take time, but if you get a handle on the underlying issue you can then start to dig your way out of depression and addiction.

 

[Alicia420]

Yeah you had it rought bud. I had a great upbringing and I still fell into the opiate game. Really wish there were someone in your life that was reliable because that's what you need. Maybe that's your best friend? You need psychiatric help and very intense drug treatment. I've been told that before and my reaction was "fuck you". It all sounded so lame and so clinical. But you're at the place where you feel like you got nothing going for you. Nothing positive in your life. The only time you feel good is when you're high and even sometimes then, it's not good enough. You have any kids?
Your situation is definitely a tough one. Right now you really need love. I know this sounds a little crazy but it's not. You might think about going to the ER and telling the doctors there how you're feeling, about your heroin use, and about the cutting. They're required by law to do something. It could get you started down the right path. I know though, you don't want to go through all of that. Sounds like too much. I will admit that the only times anything good has ever happened to me was when I worked my ass off and did the things I did not want to do. And if in your situation that means getting up and going to the Hosp to admit you need help and that you're lost, and a junky, trust me, something good will come out of it. You'll at least be given then opportunity to make changes. Unfortunately the way you grew up, your past, it all has to be addressed. Don't give up though. There's so much beauty in life and I know it's so fucking hard to see right now and that death would be a welcomed release. There's a reason you're here. A reason you're posting on this forum. Looking forward to hearing from you later.

 

[herbavore]

Hey OP, just checking in with you. I think it would be good to tell your story here if you still feel like it. You don't sound pathetic at all so don't even go there in your head. Out there IRL no one makes it easy to talk about pain. People that have suffered childhood abuse are expected to somehow just magically step away from it when they are adults but that is utter bullshit. Talking about it, writing about it, can be a relief but it can be more than that; sometimes just telling the story out loud so to speak can reveal things that you need to see. The anonymity of a forum can make it easier.