Constant anxiety - What is going on? [long post..]

[secret_lurker]

[...]

 

[Dave]

Hey, it's what we do. Especially here

Say, have you checked out Blogs by any chance? You mentioned that venting really helped you (and I would agree that it would indeed help most people), and I think that it would be a great place for you to go read a bit, and maybe post a few choice words.

I could really identify with a lot of what you've written. What I can tell you is that social skills are not some innate attribute; they're learned skills, like any other. My meaning there is: practice, practice, practice. And while it is easier with something like coke, alcohol or MDMA kicking around, in the end it's you that's being seen. It's just different, more hidden aspects of you that come out when you're able to suppress the anxiety for a while, you know?

Oh, and speaking from personal experience: I'd really really recommend seeing a psychologist. The anxiety that you have is treatable, and seeing a psychologist is the best way to deal with the underlying issues. I had tried any number of things, including legitimate medication, to deal with my problems, but nothing worked for me as well as seeing a psych.

 

[effie]

I definitely echo Dave's advice! And we are of course happy to listen to you here

I can relate to the being alone thing. I used to have a huge social life, but (for reasons I won't go into) it dwindled and I've been left pretty isolated. I was like this at school.. but when I went to Uni, I decided I didn't want to be that way anymore, and I changed. At first I was pretending to be confident and fun, but as I made friends and found my feet I grew into that situation. I did it again when all my friends moved away and I had to stay an extra two years - I kind of forced my way into a group of friends who put on music nights I attended, and they became some of my closest friends. Why am I saying all this? Because I think that the most positive part of your post is when you talk about the progress you made there and although you're not quite where you want to be yet, I want you to know that it is possible and it will get better. I'm going through the same process as you, but we will do it

It sounds like you've been using some CBT techniques there too, which is great - challenging your own negative and false beliefs about yourself. That is fantastic and I think you really could benefit from seeing a psychologist or a better therapist than the one at your school. CBT was the major factor in sorting my depression, and it helped a good friend so much with their anxiety - it was amazing. There are loads of online/book resources too (ask me if you are interested ) -it doesn't suit everyone (although you are already using it to a degree so it may well work for you) but seeing a good psychologist can help you find what is best for you.

I don't think your life is going to get worse - quite the opposite. Despite saying you aren't making progress, I think you are, and coming back and posting here, and your obvious desire to change things makes me even more certain. You just perhaps need a little help and support, to augment your own (pretty impressive!) efforts. I'm really glad you're not going down the masking-things-with-substances route too - that shows a lot of strength.

All in all, I think you are a much better than you think you are - I see a lot of positive things in your post, you are just letting the negatives overwhelm you (which is very natural and something I entirely empathise with). Try blogging, try seeing a psychologist or having a go at CBT, and keep trying with the social life thing, and I firmly believe that you will get there

edit: my favourite people in life have been people who could be percieved as eccentric or odd. Far more interesting than dull, same-y people. You are who you are and there is no shame in that. I think the key to all of this is overcoming your anxiety and overcoming your negative perceptions of who you are

 

[secret_lurker]

Wow, I love this. After posting this rant, I couldn't sit still and went for a long walk. I got a phone call and had a great conversation with someone who's dealing with problems much greater than mine - and finally started making some progress of their own.

After coming back from the cold night weather and seeing no less than 2 moderators coming to show some - that's icing on the cake!

I realize how rant'ish this appears and it's probably more fit for a blog. It's just good to know that someone else has gone through similar experiences. I think that part of dealing with my problems could come through relating to other people's as well.

 

[effie]

Wow, I love this. After posting this rant, I couldn't sit still and went for a long walk. I got a phone call and had a great conversation with someone who's dealing with problems much greater than mine - and finally started making some progress of their own.

After coming back from the cold night weather and seeing no less than 2 moderators coming to show some - that's icing on the cake!

I realize how rant'ish this appears and it's probably more fit for a blog. It's just good to know that someone else has gone through similar experiences. I think that part of dealing with my problems could come through relating to other people's as well.

That's brilliant, so glad you're feeling a bit better! Feel free to rant here, that's completely fine, but sometimes it's easier to get everything off your chest in blogs and it becomes more of a journal.. but your post was absolutely fine, don't worry at all, you needed some help and support and that's what TDS is for

And I completely agree with your last statement. I know it helps me hugely. Glad it helps you too

 

[PendulumAM]

you sound like a male version of me. even though I cant offer much good advice since I haven't solved any of the anxiety/shyness/awkwardness problems, I sill say I know what you are going through

 

[Deleted member 175441]

edit: my favourite people in life have been people who could be percieved as eccentric or odd. Far more interesting than dull, same-y people. You are who you are and there is no shame in that. I think the key to all of this is overcoming your anxiety and overcoming your negative perceptions of who you are

This is how I make friends lol!

To the OP: your rant reminds me a lot of what I've been going through including the battling negative thoughts with more neutral "shut the fuck up, your situation is fine" thought, and the semi reliable alcohol and drugs to have that social "glow" I want. I've luckily been making some good progress, and I expect you to too! The biggest for me was to abstain from drugs and alcohol and accept the fact I could end up feeding an alcohol or drug addiction, a very problematic lifestyle choice, and going to therapy for depression and anxiety, which helped a LOT more than expected, even if I did dabble in some adderall and concerta, it actually helped me realize how shit it is. I hope this whole thing leads somewhere good, as I think I might have went insane also from isolation :/ maybe I can make it some sort of unsane instead lol

 

[secret_lurker]

you sound like a male version of me. even though I cant offer much good advice since I haven't solved any of the anxiety/shyness/awkwardness problems, I sill say I know what you are going through

It's definitely an on-going progress. The strange thing is that there are many days where I feel very much fine. But yesterday was absolutely not one of them. The hardest part is remembering that the bad day does end. But it's really all mental. The trick is not let yourself end up in that place to begin with. And I think you can only do that by constantly monitoring your 'real-time' thoughts and feelings. Otherwise, the automatic response mechanism(s) kick in, and we know where that usually leads: [attempted] escapism and [soon enough] panic & despair.

To the OP: your rant reminds me a lot of what I've been going through including the battling negative thoughts with more neutral "shut the fuck up, your situation is fine" thought, and the semi reliable alcohol and drugs to have that social "glow" I want. I've luckily been making some good progress, and I expect you to too! The biggest for me was to abstain from drugs and alcohol and accept the fact I could end up feeding an alcohol or drug addiction, a very problematic lifestyle choice, and going to therapy for depression and anxiety, which helped a LOT more than expected, even if I did dabble in some adderall and concerta, it actually helped me realize how shit it is. I hope this whole thing leads somewhere good, as I think I might have went insane also from isolation :/ maybe I can make it some sort of unsane instead lol

The brain has the capacity to heal and adapt, although it's much harder the older you get. I think you will start to feel 'unsane' once you feel you have a circle of people you can rely on - or maybe, better yet, when other people will not necessarily be able to influence your immediate well-being so easily - i.e. when you find strength from within. Accepting that it's ok to make mistakes, socially or otherwise, is especially important, imo.

Anyway, I felt compelled to respond to these wonderful people one more time, but I fear I'm hijacking TDS in a way I should not (i.e. mods, feel free to close this).

 

[effie]

If you want this kept open, I don't see a need to close it! It's up to you though, I can if you like, haha.. but a lot of people can relate to you and if you want to keep discussing it with people then that's absolutely fine!

 

[secret_lurker]

Haha, I don't mind it open, but I offered it since it's not very related to drugs. Maybe I'm just being insecure again? 8(

 

[effie]

Doesn't need to be related to drugs. This is TDS Mental health issues such as anxiety, or any problems that life throws at us, are fine here

 

[herbavore]

It's definitely an on-going progress. The strange thing is that there are many days where I feel very much fine. But yesterday was absolutely not one of them. The hardest part is remembering that the bad day does end. But it's really all mental. The trick is not let yourself end up in that place to begin with. And I think you can only do that by constantly monitoring your 'real-time' thoughts and feelings. Otherwise, the automatic response mechanism(s) kick in, and we know where that usually leads: [attempted] escapism and [soon enough] panic & despair.

Yes! I think one of the hardest things to learn is not to personalize those times of loneliness (i.e. I am lonely because I am inadequate or because I am unlovable, etc.) Rather understanding that feeling lonely is a part of being human; that we do have strategies and the ability to make our lives less lonely but expecting it to never happen is a dangerous mental trap that we set for ourselves.

The brain has the capacity to heal and adapt, although it's much harder the older you get. I think you will start to feel 'unsane' once you feel you have a circle of people you can rely on - or maybe, better yet, when other people will not necessarily be able to influence your immediate well-being so easily - i.e. when you find strength from within. Accepting that it's ok to make mistakes, socially or otherwise, is especially important, imo.

Ahem! As the probable grandmother of BL (agewise) I would have to say that one of life's biggest surprises is that one can find themselves more adaptable to change with age. It took me at least until my mid-twenties to get comfortable enough with myself to actually learn the difference between friendships based on my need to fill my own void of loneliness and those based on the desire to create trust. That transformation in thinking allowed me to develop profound relationships with all kinds of people and I thought my loneliness and sense of isolation had been vanquished. But life has a way of changing right out from under us over and over again. Death can come in and snatch everything in an instant, people move away for school or jobs, our best friend that we counted on being there for us every day gets involved in a relationship and doesn't have that kind of time anymore. Circumstances plunge us over and over again into alone-ness and, inevitably, loneliness. That's where you are so right that finding the "strength within" comes in.

I guess what I want to say here is that the strength within is just as much an ability to embrace loneliness as it is our ability to learn ways to alleviate it. Each one of us is ultimately a little boat in a vast sea. Rowing around looking for other little boats is what we do. Finding them is joyous and profound, but so are the in between times when we look out and see absolutely no one. There would be a paucity of good art in the world without loneliness. So, I think the "unsane" (I love that BTW) comes in ceasing to run from loneliness, without ever giving up striving for connection. Balance frequently lives in paradox!

See? Your thread is actually providing a great forum for all of us to think about this together. Thank you!

 

[secret_lurker]

I guess what I want to say here is that the strength within is just as much an ability to embrace loneliness as it is our ability to learn ways to alleviate it. Each one of us is ultimately a little boat in a vast sea. Rowing around looking for other little boats is what we do. Finding them is joyous and profound, but so are the in between times when we look out and see absolutely no one. There would be a paucity of good art in the world without loneliness.

You have such a poetic way with words!

The distinction you mentioned earlier between the two reasons for relationship-seeking has not yet dawned on me. I will have to ponder upon it during the years. I can say this, though: knowing that I have at least one friend whom I trust (but do not get see too often) is more reassuring in the broader sense than any of the little social encounters I may have during the day.