Cosmic Mist
Bluelighter
Not so long ago i found it hard to look myself in the mirror and know that everything was going to be ok. It's a tough thing to do, especially when you are as lacking in confidence in yourself as i was at that time. Let's face it, everyone has their own dilemmas - everyone has their own shit to deal with. This was my period for going through shit and trying to sort it out.
I abandoned my surroundings for the peace and quiet that only anonymity can bring, and set myself to the task of sorting out my thoughts. The problem was that the more i thought, the more confused i felt. It got to the point where i no longer recognised myself in the mirror anymore, which, whilst making it easier to face my reflection, had never been my original intention. I began to lose perspective on everything, no longer knowing what i was doing with my life, or even who i wanted to be. Hell, i didn't even know who i was.
And it wasn't as though i wasn't trying. It just seemed that every time i thought i had figured something out, the next day i would be hit with a shiny new realisation which would change everything. it was as though my thoughts would change daily, just like the weather, and whether or not i thought i had found it often related back to what interactions i had undertaken that day.
But then one day, i thought i finally had it. I had figured out with it was that i wanted, and i set about obtaining "it".
However, "it" was not something that i could obtain on my own, and my cowardice prevented me for asking the one person who could help me. Day after day i spent wallowing in my own worthlessness simply because the one thing i wanted was dangling just out of reach, tantilising my senses and dominating my thoughts to the point where i scarcely thought i could breathe.
Everything became too much, and once again i retreated into my own private world where everything was confusing, but at least it was under my own control. Human interaction never scared me so much as it did at that point. I made myself sick with self loathing, and never stop criticising myself. It was a seemingly never ending downward spiral - the more i thought the more i longed to escape from everything around me. Yet the more i escaped the more trapped with and by my own thoughts i felt. I was slowly asphyxiating in my own confused denial, and nothing i could do seemed to bring me any close to the clarity that i had been searching for for so long.
One day, out of the blue, a close friend of mine said to me:
"Why do you constantly seek validation from others when the only true validation you can hope to find will come from within?"
The question hit me like a fist in the middle of my face, and for quite some time i could not answer her. But then i realised that the contentment i saw in others, that i so desperately wanted, could only come from within myself. I had been walking around in a daze of confusion because i thought that everything wrong in my life would be fixed as so as i found someone to validate me and make me feel whole again. Yet the answer had been with me all along, i had just been to preoccupied to see it.
I abandoned my surroundings for the peace and quiet that only anonymity can bring, and set myself to the task of sorting out my thoughts. The problem was that the more i thought, the more confused i felt. It got to the point where i no longer recognised myself in the mirror anymore, which, whilst making it easier to face my reflection, had never been my original intention. I began to lose perspective on everything, no longer knowing what i was doing with my life, or even who i wanted to be. Hell, i didn't even know who i was.
And it wasn't as though i wasn't trying. It just seemed that every time i thought i had figured something out, the next day i would be hit with a shiny new realisation which would change everything. it was as though my thoughts would change daily, just like the weather, and whether or not i thought i had found it often related back to what interactions i had undertaken that day.
But then one day, i thought i finally had it. I had figured out with it was that i wanted, and i set about obtaining "it".
However, "it" was not something that i could obtain on my own, and my cowardice prevented me for asking the one person who could help me. Day after day i spent wallowing in my own worthlessness simply because the one thing i wanted was dangling just out of reach, tantilising my senses and dominating my thoughts to the point where i scarcely thought i could breathe.
Everything became too much, and once again i retreated into my own private world where everything was confusing, but at least it was under my own control. Human interaction never scared me so much as it did at that point. I made myself sick with self loathing, and never stop criticising myself. It was a seemingly never ending downward spiral - the more i thought the more i longed to escape from everything around me. Yet the more i escaped the more trapped with and by my own thoughts i felt. I was slowly asphyxiating in my own confused denial, and nothing i could do seemed to bring me any close to the clarity that i had been searching for for so long.
One day, out of the blue, a close friend of mine said to me:
"Why do you constantly seek validation from others when the only true validation you can hope to find will come from within?"
The question hit me like a fist in the middle of my face, and for quite some time i could not answer her. But then i realised that the contentment i saw in others, that i so desperately wanted, could only come from within myself. I had been walking around in a daze of confusion because i thought that everything wrong in my life would be fixed as so as i found someone to validate me and make me feel whole again. Yet the answer had been with me all along, i had just been to preoccupied to see it.
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great piece. thanks for sharing
