Confusing thoughs and feelings about my sexuality

[morpher001]

You only have one life, don't refuse to enjoy it for fear of judgement by other people. Why should a lazy perception in the mind of anyone else determine how you live?

Just let yourself be yourself, people will like it or lump it. You can never please everyone anyway.

 

[Sepher]

Cyanoide, I'd say you're possibly gay, and repressing for reasons only you could work out, but more likely bisexual, whose fantasies are naturally drawn to the kind of M-on-M sex you've not yet experienced. IME we always tend to fantasise about the things we've had little experience of, whether that's a threesome / moresome with our partner, sex with someone other than them, or sex of a kind we're curious about whether that's same-sex or otherwise. We tend not to fantasise all that much, if at all about things that are or have been everyday experiences for us.

I'm bisexual, always wondered if I might be gay growing up, and suffered the kind of day-in, day-out homophobic taunting of others who clearly thought I was gay as I moved through my mid and late teens. Had a bad experience when I was 21 where I was effectively manipulated into the bed of a guy who I thought was just offering me a place to crash, having plied me with drink and drugs all evening, only for him to get in beside me and proceed to give me a blow-job. Went with it cos I was E'd off my face and horny as hell, and enjoyed it at the time, but became very fearful I was in no fit state to defend myself if things went further than I wanted and he refused to take no for an answer. Went into deep denial after that for a long time, only finally admitting my bisexuality to myself in my mid-30s and resolving to explore it.

Like you I cannot contemplate an emotional relationship with a man. I prefer the company of women usually, and could only bond emotionally with a woman. My attraction to some men is purely sexual. I just like nice looking dicks on buff looking guys. My fantasy life tends to revolve almost exclusively around M-on-M scenarios, and I have a preference for bi-sexual and gay porn quite often. There's a continuum with straight, mostly straight, bi, mostly gay and gay, and I move backwards and forwards along that line all the time. Sometimes my desire for another guy is foremost the longer I go without indulging that side, other times I don't want to even contemplate it for a while. Seems you've been to the straight end, and now you are naturally looking to explore the bi / gay ends and that's why they dominate your thinking.

Look, at the end of the day you're never gonna resolve the gay / bi dilemma until you've put yourself out there and given free rein to your fantasies, see if the reality lives up to the expectation. Get past the social anxiety thing somehow and get yourself to a gay club and just hang out. There will be loads of single guys on their own just like you, some of them out and out divas, always have been, some of them a bit more closetted and trying the gay scene on for size just like you. Don't make it into some kind of mission, but just see if you can't kick back and relax a bit, see what happens. Never know, you might well bump into someone who decides they wouldn't mind fucking your brains out all night long if you're up for it. If the thought of going out clubbing is really too daunting, get yourself on Gaydar or whatever your equivalent to it is, see if you can hook up with someone you feel comfortable with having got to know them first on the website that way. You're not gonna know for sure which way you're jumping till you've done that a few times and see how it sits with you.

 

[Jblazingphoenix100]

The thing is I don't have a very close relationship with my brother, and I don't get a long with him that well. I don't really trust him. He's 6 years older than me. I like his boyfriend and get along with him much better.


I think he'll tell my parents. If I want to tell them, it should be my choice. No one else's. Maybe if my relationship to him would be closer and I would trust him I'd feel different.

IJblazingphoenix100 and all you other guys, I just realized I feel comfortable writing about this with men. I don't know if it has to do with realizing there are many other men who feel the same or have gone through the same thing. It's strange but also a strangely comforting feeling. Because I've never felt it before.

I really appreciate you trying to help me out. Your experiences help me relate and (hopefully) see things in a different light. That's a trip by itself. Thanks a lot.

I think you're being too scared of what your brother's going to say, and do...he's your family, the only family you've got that you can talk about this with candidly, because he went through coming out...but for some reason you're choosing not to - bite the bullet - do you really think he'd tell them, considering what he went through when HE came out?

YOU're welcome bro!

This has helped ME to see things in another light too.

I have a lot of working out to do - I'm not sure at teh moment whether I like females, hermaphrodites or men more - coz last night I had my first experience where I told the women that she was doing nothing for me in the crotch department, no matter what she was doing with her tits, or rubbing her ass against my dick, and told her that I wasn't sure whether it was because I was too high/tipsy, gay, too tired physiologically, or just not attracted to her particularly.

What I also realized is it probably doesn't matter...there is a natural ebb and flow of things, and sometimes one feels like being dom, and sometimes one feels like being submissive - just being attracted to PEOPLE (of all races, genders, sexual determinations)is what we need to accept about ourselves.

I worked out more and more that I'm attracted to women's bodies but maybe not actually sexually, unless I give in to my animal side, and DOMINATE them. Looking back, most of the times I've really been aroused with women, was when I was dominating them...occasionally lovey-dovey sex worked out, though too...it's been a lil while.

This has helped me out too, right here...picking my brain, after pondering your problem.

So, OP - thanks for this thread, keep us all posted and I'll try to be here if ya need an email chat or whatever.

 

[skillz~4~thrillz]

"no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

Cyanoide-I feel for you. Coming out for me was a VERY long process. I knew as a little girl-5years old-that I liked girls the way boys liked girls. sounds crazy but true. Most of my anguish with this was how I was RAISED. I came out Bi then after years of back and forth I found the courage to look inside myself and accept me-all of me,good and bad and realize-to hell w/ society and anyone who did not like me bc I FINALLY LIKED ME. at 35 I can say I LOVE ME-bc there is so much good in me that I let how I was raised,social influences,personal influences,ect...waste so many years eating away at me-keeping me from JUST BEING ME! I am not into labels but for the sake of the conversation,I felt much of what you are sharing bc I AM GAY. It was just so hard to let go and accept it,but once I did-it was like I was Atlas,with the weight of the world on my shoulders,and I just shrugged,and sighed and felt light as air.
Stop trying to label yourself like Raz,said and like Noodle stated-coming out is a life long process...we change,if we allow ourselves,we can grow from all of lives experiences,and if we let go we find that every experience is leading us to exactly who and where in life we are supposed to be. RELAX...love yourself. Know that who you are is exactly who are meant to be-with or w/o labels. "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"
The line the quote is from is a poem that has gotten me through so much and I hope you will take a few minutes to read it as I think it will speak to you as it has to so many.

Much PEACE and LOVE.....skillz



Desiderata ~by: Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

 

[computersaysno]

All I can say is that you'll probably get a better understanding of yourself as time goes on...

Yep, agreed. I would also add that if sexually you are not interested in a woman, then you will probably find that as time does past you'll end up having some form of sexual experience with a man, this might seal the deal for you?