budsnbars712
Bluelighter
I am not really sure where this thread belongs as it really is about just finding myself, and how to go about it......
For as long as I have been alive, I really never found myself....this led me to using weed and now after breaking up with my gf (who i leaned on) xanax. I am a 24 yr old male Security Guard from ny. I sit here and deal with people all day (and have way too much time to think).
When I was in 8th grade, I loved skateboarding, and so did the kids down the block, so I had friends that I was close with because we had the same hobbies. Now life has changed, and those friends are no longer there. It is ten years later and I am an emotional wreck. I wake up everyday from a shitty night of sleep and have to repeat this lifestyle over and over. I have explained in a couple of my threads that I do not look at the glass half full, but half empty....Because of many things in life (family, no self-confidence, no hope, background, etc.). I do have friends, but not VERY close ones as I am used too having, or atleast the girlfriend, which I am also used to having. This leads me to overthink every day of my life. It leads me to over-think so much that I was prescribed xanax for it. I am clearly depressed as one can just tell from reading the beginning of this post. For a while, I thought I found myself as I liked being a skater and what not.....but now I am grown up and have to find where I belong in this adult world. I over-think EVERYHING negatively and say nahhh, not for me (when it comes to life, job, career).....
I seem to chase everyone in my life away as I am not independent at all and look to people for help and advice and then RELY on them and scare them away. I try and talk about with my friends, but they only listen so much before they realize that I am not even doing anything to help myself, and they think I am just a pity party (which I am, I recognize the problems but don't deal with them, and live with ULTIMATEEEE guilt). Just like my girlfriend who finally broke up with my after 7 years (who most likely just was afraid herself of ending it earlier). I have no male adult figure in my life as my dad passed when I was 17, and even before that, I only saw him every other weekend, and did not bond fully.
I bounced around from groups of friends to groups of friends but never really became close with any of them. One group of friends I do call "my" group as they accept me, but do not make it a point to call me all the time to go out or any of that. Maybe because I am a downer (you wouldn't know I am a downer until I open up to you).
The point is, I am severely depressed, to the point of just wanting to get up and leave work or this area in general or maybe just even life! (but I don't because I over-think)
I am clearly in need of some help and I know I am in a cycle that won't change unless I change it. I need a different perspective before I do anything. Otherwise, everything fails. I go to the gym and work and that's it for the most part. And I have to PUSH through the gym as I never have motivation or ambition to do it. I just look at it as bettering myself, but its false, because it is only the outside of my body that the gym works on.
In HS when I first met my gf of 7 yrs, I had a epiphany where my whole perspective on life changed. I was not depressed for a couple of months. I was out and about and had a great outlook on life. I wanted so bad to stop smoking weed and I did, because I wanted it. It was probably the best time of my life, but I had many of friends then (gf as well), was still in HS. Once, I started smoking again, I started looking at myself negatively again. Maybe it's pot that keeps me like this? But how would that make sense as I smoke once a day now, compared to all day and made it my life back then.....
Any advice or different perspective from anyone else would be amazing....Also, I was considering trying a psychedelic like mushrooms as I hear they can change your perspective on life big time. I am going on a cruise with my mother and sister in two weeks. It will most likely not be fun for me as I am do not club, gamble or open up enough to have fun as it is almost impossible for me. I was thinking about putting my two week notice to quit my job right now so that when I come back from vaca, I have no job. Sounds good, and bad in my head. Good in the sense that I will have no responsibility when I come home from the vacation and maybe have a different mindset to start over, or something new....I also will not have any access to marijuana for these 7 days which might help or might not....
Any advice and thought are greatly appreciated.....
For as long as I have been alive, I really never found myself....this led me to using weed and now after breaking up with my gf (who i leaned on) xanax. I am a 24 yr old male Security Guard from ny. I sit here and deal with people all day (and have way too much time to think).
When I was in 8th grade, I loved skateboarding, and so did the kids down the block, so I had friends that I was close with because we had the same hobbies. Now life has changed, and those friends are no longer there. It is ten years later and I am an emotional wreck. I wake up everyday from a shitty night of sleep and have to repeat this lifestyle over and over. I have explained in a couple of my threads that I do not look at the glass half full, but half empty....Because of many things in life (family, no self-confidence, no hope, background, etc.). I do have friends, but not VERY close ones as I am used too having, or atleast the girlfriend, which I am also used to having. This leads me to overthink every day of my life. It leads me to over-think so much that I was prescribed xanax for it. I am clearly depressed as one can just tell from reading the beginning of this post. For a while, I thought I found myself as I liked being a skater and what not.....but now I am grown up and have to find where I belong in this adult world. I over-think EVERYHING negatively and say nahhh, not for me (when it comes to life, job, career).....
I seem to chase everyone in my life away as I am not independent at all and look to people for help and advice and then RELY on them and scare them away. I try and talk about with my friends, but they only listen so much before they realize that I am not even doing anything to help myself, and they think I am just a pity party (which I am, I recognize the problems but don't deal with them, and live with ULTIMATEEEE guilt). Just like my girlfriend who finally broke up with my after 7 years (who most likely just was afraid herself of ending it earlier). I have no male adult figure in my life as my dad passed when I was 17, and even before that, I only saw him every other weekend, and did not bond fully.
I bounced around from groups of friends to groups of friends but never really became close with any of them. One group of friends I do call "my" group as they accept me, but do not make it a point to call me all the time to go out or any of that. Maybe because I am a downer (you wouldn't know I am a downer until I open up to you).
The point is, I am severely depressed, to the point of just wanting to get up and leave work or this area in general or maybe just even life! (but I don't because I over-think)
I am clearly in need of some help and I know I am in a cycle that won't change unless I change it. I need a different perspective before I do anything. Otherwise, everything fails. I go to the gym and work and that's it for the most part. And I have to PUSH through the gym as I never have motivation or ambition to do it. I just look at it as bettering myself, but its false, because it is only the outside of my body that the gym works on.
In HS when I first met my gf of 7 yrs, I had a epiphany where my whole perspective on life changed. I was not depressed for a couple of months. I was out and about and had a great outlook on life. I wanted so bad to stop smoking weed and I did, because I wanted it. It was probably the best time of my life, but I had many of friends then (gf as well), was still in HS. Once, I started smoking again, I started looking at myself negatively again. Maybe it's pot that keeps me like this? But how would that make sense as I smoke once a day now, compared to all day and made it my life back then.....
Any advice or different perspective from anyone else would be amazing....Also, I was considering trying a psychedelic like mushrooms as I hear they can change your perspective on life big time. I am going on a cruise with my mother and sister in two weeks. It will most likely not be fun for me as I am do not club, gamble or open up enough to have fun as it is almost impossible for me. I was thinking about putting my two week notice to quit my job right now so that when I come back from vaca, I have no job. Sounds good, and bad in my head. Good in the sense that I will have no responsibility when I come home from the vacation and maybe have a different mindset to start over, or something new....I also will not have any access to marijuana for these 7 days which might help or might not....
Any advice and thought are greatly appreciated.....
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