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confused- no father to father

CuPillar

CuPillar

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this is really based around the thread angry and confused, and i would prefere any help i can get on this issue.

i have not seen my dad for like 15-16 years. i am 17. i live with only my mum. today she comes t ome at the end of the day when i come home and tells me that she has met this guy. this came as a real shock to me. she is acting really serious about the whole issue. she really wants it to happen.
but here is my problem, i have only ever lifed with my mum, and have never had a father figure.

i dont know what to do, im really confused.

please any help, i want to let her do her thing, but im not sure if im ready for it.

please help, i dont know what to do
 
Just think of him as a friend, not as a father figure.... treat him like a mate and if she makes your mum happy, oh well... let be it, and let her enjoy her life, as you will be nearly 18, so you will be adult...so just go on the flow.... just think of him as a friend that you could end up being good friends..never know, I am sure this new bloke wouldnt want you to think him as a father figure just a friend? cheers, Urbie 8)
 
please any help, i want to let her do her thing, but im not sure if im ready for it.
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dont you dare even think about whether youre ready, you selfish little fucka ;) you should be thinking "my god i hope i havnt been holding her back all these years," coz you probably have been, so let it go man, it aint your life, its hers and she cant put it on hold any longer for you.... grow up and be a man.
 
She's met a guy.

That does not translate immediately to father figure.

I'm sure she won't expect you to treat him like that. Be cordial and get to know him a bit better before you start worrying about father figures...
 
Insane Platypus said:
She's met a guy.

That does not translate immediately to father figure.

I'm sure she won't expect you to treat him like that. Be cordial and get to know him a bit better before you start worrying about father figures...
Click to expand...

you dont know my mum though, she will only take something if it will be serious.
im ready to accept it, but you know its wierd.


and eddi, dont be a dick, im not selfish, i have not been holding her back, i have been encouraging her, butnow its here, i just dont know, it was just sort of lept upon me.
i think you should grow up, your not in my position, you dont know my life. dont try and make me the baddie. your thoughts didnt help me at all. i asked for help not a blame session.

the whole thing with the father figure, you have to understand, i have never had a father figure in my life before, i have never had those influences, i dont knoe how to treat him, i dont understand. this is a cry for help not a i was your sorrow statement.

any other HELPFUL words would be helpful.

remembering that i have never experianced this before.

thankyou

copper pillar
 
I think what insane platypus was saying that just because *legally* he may be your 'father', doesn't really place him in the father figure role. A father figure role is once that is built up by both of you into a respect. I know a lot of people where their fathers have been around their entire lives and don't consider them a father figure.

And I agree with eddi too. If it has taken your mum this long to find someone she really likes and you don't let her because you have some issues you aren't sure about how long do you think your mum will take to find someone else she really likes? Being lonely is really shit and it seems the older you get the more unhappy you can be if you are lonely.

You really should give it a go and as an added bonus he'll be trying to impress you almost as much as he's trying to impress her so as soon as you turn 18 he'll be buying the beer. And on the flip side your mum will most likely be a whole lot happier and isn't that the important thing?
 
sorry, maybe i was a bit off target with my comment.
i just hate what you had to say.
i dont know you, but from what you have described in this thread i had enough info to pass you the pearls... and you were asking for it.

try to see this man as an equal to start with, esp. an equal in your mothers life. you can have adult friends, so try becoming that with him. you'll prolly never have a father figure that is your mothers boyfriend, you may already have a father figure anyway, just someone you respect admire and turn to for advice, maybe its someone you dont even realise.
also its difficult for your mother's new guy too, so try to be understanding, patient and supportive.
best of luck with it.
many successful and happy adult men had no father in their home... i on the other hand had many!
 
Just remember he's not your Dad, though don't say that to him ("you're not my Father!") unless you're auditioning for Home & Away. He's just a guy who's trying to make it happen with a woman he likes, at least give him a chance. He might be cool, he might be a dick, he might think you're cool, he might think you're a dick. Make an effort even if just for you're Mums sake and see how it goes.

Good luck
 
CU, I grew up with just my mum, I get where you're coming from...it's kinda weird accepting the change of dynamic, especially when you've been each other's support structure for such a long time, there's a tendency to think "fuck, where does this leave us now? She doesn't need me anymore" etc etc...

This is a self-centred view, but it's totally understandable. Just concentrate on the fact that it's making your mum happy though. And I don't know you or her or this guy she wants to start a relationship with, but I'd be VERY surprised if any guy in this day and age thinks they can be a father figure to a 17 year old they've just met. And I doubt very much that your mum wants that either.

Just be happy for her dude, and give him a chance not as a "father" but just as a person...it's a change, but change isn't bad...

--Raz--
 
Ok, first of all CU, let me just say that i can identify with how you are feeling. Living with my father from the age of 11 and having to deal with his part-time girlfriends was not an easy thing for me to do, and at the age of 16 i moved out for a year. I moved back in at 17 to find that he had found someone that he felt very deeply for, so it was a very steep learning curve for me to get over in order to accept that he might finally have found someone who made him genuinely happy.

I'm not going to give you advice on what you should do. That is something you have to figure out for yourself. But think of it this way; if you had suddenly found someone fantastic and who made each day feel just a little bit brighter for you, would you give them up because your mother wasn't ready for you to start dating?

I believe you would be best to give this guy a chance. As i found out, with my step-mother, you don't have to treat them as a parent, and are probably best not to. Just look at this as an opportunity to found a new friendship - you can never have too many friends. By doing this, not only might you improve the standard of living for your mother, but also for yourself. If the guy turns out to be a dick then you won't have lost anything, and if he doesn't, well even better. DOn't forget, you can always move out if things get really bad, you're at that age now - it's not like you'd be trapped in the house from hell.

I do have to agree with the other respondants to this thread - don't stand in the way of your mother's happiness. If you truely value her as a major part of your up bringing, then i don't really think you have the right to stand in her way.

Just my $0.02 Good luck. :)
 
thanks guys, i know i have to accept it, but it will just be different, you know, he has 3 kids, my ages, sort of, what if they are dicks, or what eva.

thsnks
 
Instead of thinking about the possible downsides, try thinking of it as an opportunity. My folks divorced when I was young and I have had the luck to not only get 2 great step-parents out of it but step and foster brothers and sisters that I am closer to than my real brother. Nobody tried to play happy families right away and neither of my step-parents ever tried to play the mother or father figure. I can't say it was always easy but 20 years later I can honestly say that my step-mother is the person I most admire in the world (and yes, we did have our issues in the past but my life had been richer and better for having her in it).

And now that I'm in my 30s I also appreciate my steps as taking part of the "responsibility" for looking after the parents. When my folks split up I can remember feeling responsible for my folks and held back doing things or going places because of that. Please don't begrudge your mother whatever happiness she can find - you will regret it in future years. Even though it was hard at the time (and I was probably a brat at times) I take a certain pride in looking back and thinking I didn't try to sabotage or damage my parents chances at love and the pursuit of happiness.
 
You should be happy for your mum firstly. She's met someone and after 16 years of being on her own (in a romantic sense) she'll have someone there for her.

Your 17, your old enough to be mature about the situation.

This guy obviously isn't going to come rushing into your family trying to take your dad's position, he'll be just as awkward as you in the first instance.

Once you guys get to know each other you'll be fine :) Just treat him like a friend and everything will be schweet :)
 
My boyfriend had the dame thing happen to him when he was about 17, except that his father was still in the picture. My boyo just treats his mum's boyfriend as a mate, a guy that lives in the same place as them. It's honestly the easiest way to accustom yourself to the situation!

good luck!
 
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