Conflicted-----should be a no-brainer, but....

[RaZkaL86]

Hi everyone, I'm in a tug-of-war with my emotions and the rational part of me that knows it's what I need to do. I want sooo desperately to get clean and get my life in order, but I guess maybe I'm so afraid of what will happen and the fear of failure. I have cut my use down to two or one bag of heroin a day; this may seem to many as if I've got it beat already, it should be nothing to get clean if I'm that low, but it goes up and down daily. It should be easy to just stop; and I have many times before.The main sticking point is that I live with my brother who's been pretty much supporting my habit as I don't have a job or any money coming in. I need to go into a detox and when I finish, I need to go to some kind of a long-term residential sober living facility, but those places have a waiting list a mile long(at the least a couple months wait. Like I said this should be a no-brainer, but using is all I've known for the last 24 years and I'm soooo sick of this life....WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO DO?????????8!

 

[Znegative]

Hey I can totally relate to you, getting clean is really hard. I've been clean for almost four months, though I'm still technically opioid dependent as I take suboxone. Have you looked in to rehabs and 1/2 way houses? Sme of them can be pretty dingy but i imagine that you could find something if you looked hard enough. Maybey you should try out suboxone or methadone, for the time being, just to keep you off the dope and give you sometime to adjust to a life where you're not planning every move around your next fix. I think the hardest part about getting clean is staying clean, sure it may be easy to detox of the amount of heroin you're on but you're gonna have to deal with paws and all that, which is what usually makes us go back to the dope. I hope the best for you.

 

[blackstirling]

if you want to quit, try vivitrol, they have a promotion now where the $800 shot is free.

You will be guaranteed not to get high and you will stop thinking about heroin and focus on other things in your life.


Then again you might want to try suboxone first

 

[RaZkaL86]

yes it's very hard, Z, and I've been on Methadone before 3 times I think. Last time I had 6 take homes and was working to get 13 but one day I forgot about urines and lost count of when was the last use....I just stopped going and that was that. I really don't even want to be tied down with a medicine ball and chain, you know, and I want to get a job not worrying about the whiz quiz!! Black, if I had $800 on me about now, I wouldn't be thinking about an injection to stop (probably still an injection though )

 

[Znegative]

Yeah there's kind of a debate going on in another thread over vivitrol, but if you choose to go on it, make sure you detox first. Otherwise you will find yourself in hellish withdrawals that no amount of dope will cure.

I totally understand the feeling about being chained down to methadone, I was on it for a year and luckily got off of it without suffering too bad. Suboxone is good as it is a take home prescription, and you can taper yourself off of it whenever you want, of course suboxone causes lengthy withdrawal as well, but then again there is no easy fix really. Personally I find a low dose of suboxone more grattifying than I ever found methadone. At the dose I'm at I could easily get high, but I dont, as I've built quite some time now away from heroin and cocaine. Eventually I'd like to get off the suboxone, but right now, I can only see that leading me back to using heroin.

 

[RaZkaL86]

See, for once i would like to be able to apply for a job and not have to worry about what they'll find. I know I could do it as long as I was away from my triggers(home, Mom, brother, who's also my source) so I need to get away for a few months or so and try to get a job but I haven't worked in about 7 years (minus a 2 month job @ Red Robin) I just need to be in a new enviroment for a few months(or years). It sucks cause I have to basically cut off my family cause to me they're all triggers to use in their own ways.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Well if you've been using for 24 years, you're going to have a very hard time quitting but it won't be impossible.

IMO - I'd move far, far away.

It sucks cause I have to basically cut off my family cause to me they're all triggers to use in their own ways.

Well if you know this, then don't let the knowledge deter you from doing it. Just do it, get it done, and it'll be a huge relief to get away from them. Yeah it may suck, but maybe years later you can visit them again without relapsing. Who knows?

 

[Swimmingdancer]

If you can't get into rehab soon enough and have made up your mind that you want to quit cold turkey, perhaps you could keep tapering down the amount your doing, get some supplies like drugs/herbs/supplements or whatever will help you while you're going through withdrawals, and go stay somewhere where you don't have easy access to dope. This could be a friend or relative's place or camping in the woods or whatever. Do this now while you don't have some responsibility in your life that makes it impossible to take the time to quit, like a job where you can't take time off, school, a child, etc.

Would you're brother be supportive and less enabling if you told him what you're going through and that you're trying to quit? Do your friends and family know that you are a heroin addict, and if so, do they know that you want to quit? Sometimes telling people can help.

My other suggestion would be to get on methadone or Suboxone (buprenorphine). The caveat is that if you don't taper down and get off of it fairly quickly, you will just be replacing one addiction for another and could get stuck with an expensive and imprisoning methadone addiction for life, with potential withdrawals that last much much longer than any heroin withdrawals. But for a lot of people replacement therapy is the only way they are able to quit using heroin. It certainly was the only way for me. However, methadone and bupe are not magic cures and you will still have to work on your mental addiction, and try to keep yourself distracted, avoid triggers and/or make it difficult for you to use, as methadone/bupe only take care of the physical dependence.

 

[Albion]

Some excellent advice here. I'm gonna send this over to TDS to get support of a different area of expertise for ya.

 

[effie]

^ thank you JSP

OP - there is such a world of difference between logically knowing something and being able to truly feel it and act on it. Don't be too hard on yourself - it is human nature to be this way, and it doesn't make you weak - or your situation hopeless. You want to change, and that is the most important thing. I am sorry it is so hard to get access to rehab. There have been some excellent practical suggestions here. Have you considered seeing a counsellor or therapist? Something like CBT could really help you I think - it is fantastic for learning how to control your thoughts and behaviour so you can achieve what you want to, rather than feeling trapped and unable to change. If you are interested but can't find a therapist, there are a couple of excellent online websites run by psychiatrists - try googling Living Life To The Full and MoodGym if you are interested in exploring this.

Have you thought about maybe trying to move somewhere else away from your brother? Family can be amazing and supportive, and I appreciate that he is helping you by offering a roof over your head and money - but as you say, he is supporting your habit and this could be actually making things a lot more difficult for you. Have you tried talking to him about it and explaining how you feel?

Just because this is how your life has been for a while does not mean this is how it will be forever. There are steps you can take to change - you have the desire to, and that is often the hardest thing to come to terms with. Good luck - things will get better