Today I woke up bright and early a very proud 15 days sober. After showering and brushing my teeth I stepped out onto my back deck in my boxer shorts and a giant beach towel wrapped around me. Holy shit it was cold. It had been warm all week and I am not one to watch the weather forecast so the cold air shocked me back inside. I had planned on running again today but it was drizzling rain and dreary as well. I scrambled a few eggs and sat down to eat my breakfast and decide how to spend my Sunday. I had no idea then that my sobriety would be tested soon. Or that my resolve would step aside so willingly.
Yesterday was a good day. I have been having a string of good days really. I had somewhat of a routine going with the waking up early, getting out and running, trying to eat healthy. I still feel incomplete though in some way. I am still self medicating with the Clonazepam and weed it is not like I can not function "normally". I have had this whole week off work but I had been going to hang out with friends. I have been seeing this girl that I have explained my addiction to and she has been very supportive. I even went to the local track last night to watch the Jones v. Evans UFC fights and socialized with work friends. But it feels like all that is just trying to fill this hole that as hard as I try never quite gets filled.
After finishing my breakfast I decided
to just have a lazy Sunday. I packed my bong and cycled through my DVR until I decided to rewatch last weeks episode of 'Game of Thrones.' I am just about to finish the episode and have burned through the bong when I decide I need to score some benzo's because I am out. I text my guy and tell him to hit me back when he rolls his lazy ass out of bed. I was pretty stoned so I just laid there on my laptop reading the highlights from last nights spring college football game maybe responded to a post on TDS. Just generally having a lazy Sunday like I planned.
Eventually my guy texts me back and tells me I can swing by whenever. I get up and throw on some jeans and a hoody and head out immediately. I have to drive past my guys house to go to the bank so I can hit the ATM first. When I drive by I notice that there is a truck in his driveway. A truck that I know well as it belongs to one of my old Opana hook ups. It hit me pretty hard and I immediately started thinking about scoring but I wrestled the idea out of my head and just got enough from the ATM for my benzos. By the time I got back to his house I was a little releived to see the truck had gone. My friend met me at the door told me to come in. His roomate was still passed out on the couch so we went in to sit at the kitchen table. He pulled out a shot glass and dropped in a little blue football(1mg alprazolam) and filled the small glass with some cheap vodka. This is something this particular friend had turned me onto doing but I only ever bothered to do it when I was around him. I am not sure if it makes the drug hit you faster or its just the alcohol potentiating it but whatever it is; it is a great buzz.(not recommending this, as mixing benzos w/ any amount of alcohol can get dangerous) I took a small coffee straw from a cup on his table and poked the now crumbling pill then stirred the concoction until it turned a translucent blue color. I took the shot and filled it halfway back up with vodka and swirled it around a little to gather any remaining blue stuff from the cup and drank that as well. I was feeling pretty good at this point and that is when my friend said that he heard some bad news today.
I should first say that this particular friend had no idea that I had been trying to kick opiates. He was not even as much a friend as just my benzo hook up that I partied with sometimes. So anyways as for the bad news. Our mutual acquaintance who had been at his house in that familiar truck earlier. He is an older gentleman and I do not know the story as to why he is scripted Opana 40's but I know that he does not take them. Not at all. He either manages his pain in other ways or conned his way into the script I dont know. I do know that he sells his entire script every month except the few he takes before his monthly appointment. He is very careful in this way keeping those few back in case of randomly getting tested. He is also very wary of being pill counted. He actually always has a full script in his medicine cabinet or wherever he keeps them. At some point he didnt move any or take any for a whole month so that now when he gets a new script he puts that one back and sells last months supply. This way if he ever gets called in for a random visit he can count out exactly the amount he should have at that point in the month to take into the clinic. Anyways all that is relevant because this month he was forced to get the newly formulated Opana. They are round and rubbery and to my knowledge very difficult to abuse. Apparently he had tried several different pharmacys around the area and they had all switched to this new formula. It was akin to hearing that a great friend was maybe getting married and moving away to some other country and you would never really be able to hang out anymore. I was just a little sad that my favorite method of getting high was going to be unattainable even if I had stopped using. That made what any fight my conscious would put up for what came next all the more futile.
The silver lining of course to the aforementioned bad news was that our mutual aquaintance still had last months supply of the little yellow stop signs. One of which he produced from his stash box sitting on the table in front of us. He explained, as he raked the pill back and forth over a segment of hose clamp to shave the pill down, that he had been able to purchase ten of the "last of the good ones" from our friend. At an inflated price of course. He finished shaving it down chopped it over a few times with a card and split it into two lines. At this point I did not even consider not blowing this line. In fact I was already trying to figure out in my head how I was going to get ahold of more of these now endangered goodies. So after doing the line and chatting for a short while I am feeling pretty good. Even 15 days seems to have pretty efficiently lowered my tolerance if I was feeling something off of 20mg. I was not quite where I wanted to be though. I talk my friend into selling me another one. Paying him with the money I had gotten from the ATM for the benzos which were now the furthest thing from my mind. I fly through the routine I miss so dearly and quickly have the entire pill prepared for insuflation. After that I was feeling very good. My friends roomate finally got up and left for work and we sat in his living room and played the new UFC game on Xbox and listened to Pink Floyd. I am all in at this point and I figure I might as well make a day of it since it is the last I will see of them. My friend however does not really want to come off anymore at first as he got them for himself. Not to mention he is a little peeved I no longer am interested in the benzos he had held for me.
Trying to bargain with an addict to sell you his own stash is utterly hopeless. I was however not going to be denied. I was able to get ahold of our friend and he agreed to stop back by later this evening. I did not want to wait however so after agreeing to also purchase the benzos from him we worked it out where I would take half of what he had now even paying a little extra and our friend would swing by later and he could pick up some more from him then. Everyone is happy. I run back to the ATM to withdraw the cash and can not even get the amount that I need to cover what I owe so I end up stopping at two gas stations and buy a pack of cigs at each just to get cash back. Now properly funded I swing back by my guys house and grab the four yellow forties and twenty blue footballs. We chat for a few minutes but then part ways and I head back to my apartment.
At this point even though I was feeling pretty good I am also realizing I threw away a few weeks of sobriety. While I am not naive enough to think that is any where near in the clear it was still a big accomplishment for me and I threw it away without much of a thought. I made some post on TDS and posted some stuff I had written in a blog. I just wanted to let someone know I had faltered I guess. And not someone who I really knew. Someone who could not stop me from at least finishing what I had aquired. I blew another forty right after that though. My tolerance had really been affected by my short sobriety apparently because this one made me start to get a little nauseous. I warmed up some pizza I had in my fridge and chewed some tums with a glass of ginger ale to try and settle my stomach. I melted into my couch after that. I had a good nod going and felt great.
So that brings me to here. I just sat around the house all day. I did clean the hell out of my place today and it needed it pretty badly. But yeah mostly I just sat around watched a few movies and had that lazy Sunday only plus some Oxymorphone. I have had this half a forty chopped up waiting for me while I wrote this blog. I was very worried about relapsing earlier when I first got home but I think it has made me realize that I need to get some help. I have heard lots of good things about suboxone and how it fills that void of that feeling of contentment. I think maybe I will look into that soon. But right now I am going to blow this line and "I'm going to a pretty place now, where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so".
Yesterday was a good day. I have been having a string of good days really. I had somewhat of a routine going with the waking up early, getting out and running, trying to eat healthy. I still feel incomplete though in some way. I am still self medicating with the Clonazepam and weed it is not like I can not function "normally". I have had this whole week off work but I had been going to hang out with friends. I have been seeing this girl that I have explained my addiction to and she has been very supportive. I even went to the local track last night to watch the Jones v. Evans UFC fights and socialized with work friends. But it feels like all that is just trying to fill this hole that as hard as I try never quite gets filled.
After finishing my breakfast I decided
to just have a lazy Sunday. I packed my bong and cycled through my DVR until I decided to rewatch last weeks episode of 'Game of Thrones.' I am just about to finish the episode and have burned through the bong when I decide I need to score some benzo's because I am out. I text my guy and tell him to hit me back when he rolls his lazy ass out of bed. I was pretty stoned so I just laid there on my laptop reading the highlights from last nights spring college football game maybe responded to a post on TDS. Just generally having a lazy Sunday like I planned.
Eventually my guy texts me back and tells me I can swing by whenever. I get up and throw on some jeans and a hoody and head out immediately. I have to drive past my guys house to go to the bank so I can hit the ATM first. When I drive by I notice that there is a truck in his driveway. A truck that I know well as it belongs to one of my old Opana hook ups. It hit me pretty hard and I immediately started thinking about scoring but I wrestled the idea out of my head and just got enough from the ATM for my benzos. By the time I got back to his house I was a little releived to see the truck had gone. My friend met me at the door told me to come in. His roomate was still passed out on the couch so we went in to sit at the kitchen table. He pulled out a shot glass and dropped in a little blue football(1mg alprazolam) and filled the small glass with some cheap vodka. This is something this particular friend had turned me onto doing but I only ever bothered to do it when I was around him. I am not sure if it makes the drug hit you faster or its just the alcohol potentiating it but whatever it is; it is a great buzz.(not recommending this, as mixing benzos w/ any amount of alcohol can get dangerous) I took a small coffee straw from a cup on his table and poked the now crumbling pill then stirred the concoction until it turned a translucent blue color. I took the shot and filled it halfway back up with vodka and swirled it around a little to gather any remaining blue stuff from the cup and drank that as well. I was feeling pretty good at this point and that is when my friend said that he heard some bad news today.
I should first say that this particular friend had no idea that I had been trying to kick opiates. He was not even as much a friend as just my benzo hook up that I partied with sometimes. So anyways as for the bad news. Our mutual acquaintance who had been at his house in that familiar truck earlier. He is an older gentleman and I do not know the story as to why he is scripted Opana 40's but I know that he does not take them. Not at all. He either manages his pain in other ways or conned his way into the script I dont know. I do know that he sells his entire script every month except the few he takes before his monthly appointment. He is very careful in this way keeping those few back in case of randomly getting tested. He is also very wary of being pill counted. He actually always has a full script in his medicine cabinet or wherever he keeps them. At some point he didnt move any or take any for a whole month so that now when he gets a new script he puts that one back and sells last months supply. This way if he ever gets called in for a random visit he can count out exactly the amount he should have at that point in the month to take into the clinic. Anyways all that is relevant because this month he was forced to get the newly formulated Opana. They are round and rubbery and to my knowledge very difficult to abuse. Apparently he had tried several different pharmacys around the area and they had all switched to this new formula. It was akin to hearing that a great friend was maybe getting married and moving away to some other country and you would never really be able to hang out anymore. I was just a little sad that my favorite method of getting high was going to be unattainable even if I had stopped using. That made what any fight my conscious would put up for what came next all the more futile.
The silver lining of course to the aforementioned bad news was that our mutual aquaintance still had last months supply of the little yellow stop signs. One of which he produced from his stash box sitting on the table in front of us. He explained, as he raked the pill back and forth over a segment of hose clamp to shave the pill down, that he had been able to purchase ten of the "last of the good ones" from our friend. At an inflated price of course. He finished shaving it down chopped it over a few times with a card and split it into two lines. At this point I did not even consider not blowing this line. In fact I was already trying to figure out in my head how I was going to get ahold of more of these now endangered goodies. So after doing the line and chatting for a short while I am feeling pretty good. Even 15 days seems to have pretty efficiently lowered my tolerance if I was feeling something off of 20mg. I was not quite where I wanted to be though. I talk my friend into selling me another one. Paying him with the money I had gotten from the ATM for the benzos which were now the furthest thing from my mind. I fly through the routine I miss so dearly and quickly have the entire pill prepared for insuflation. After that I was feeling very good. My friends roomate finally got up and left for work and we sat in his living room and played the new UFC game on Xbox and listened to Pink Floyd. I am all in at this point and I figure I might as well make a day of it since it is the last I will see of them. My friend however does not really want to come off anymore at first as he got them for himself. Not to mention he is a little peeved I no longer am interested in the benzos he had held for me.
Trying to bargain with an addict to sell you his own stash is utterly hopeless. I was however not going to be denied. I was able to get ahold of our friend and he agreed to stop back by later this evening. I did not want to wait however so after agreeing to also purchase the benzos from him we worked it out where I would take half of what he had now even paying a little extra and our friend would swing by later and he could pick up some more from him then. Everyone is happy. I run back to the ATM to withdraw the cash and can not even get the amount that I need to cover what I owe so I end up stopping at two gas stations and buy a pack of cigs at each just to get cash back. Now properly funded I swing back by my guys house and grab the four yellow forties and twenty blue footballs. We chat for a few minutes but then part ways and I head back to my apartment.
At this point even though I was feeling pretty good I am also realizing I threw away a few weeks of sobriety. While I am not naive enough to think that is any where near in the clear it was still a big accomplishment for me and I threw it away without much of a thought. I made some post on TDS and posted some stuff I had written in a blog. I just wanted to let someone know I had faltered I guess. And not someone who I really knew. Someone who could not stop me from at least finishing what I had aquired. I blew another forty right after that though. My tolerance had really been affected by my short sobriety apparently because this one made me start to get a little nauseous. I warmed up some pizza I had in my fridge and chewed some tums with a glass of ginger ale to try and settle my stomach. I melted into my couch after that. I had a good nod going and felt great.
So that brings me to here. I just sat around the house all day. I did clean the hell out of my place today and it needed it pretty badly. But yeah mostly I just sat around watched a few movies and had that lazy Sunday only plus some Oxymorphone. I have had this half a forty chopped up waiting for me while I wrote this blog. I was very worried about relapsing earlier when I first got home but I think it has made me realize that I need to get some help. I have heard lots of good things about suboxone and how it fills that void of that feeling of contentment. I think maybe I will look into that soon. But right now I am going to blow this line and "I'm going to a pretty place now, where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so".