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complicated break up

tackyspiral

tackyspiral

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
2,657
Location
rocky mountains
ok so I fucking hate my bf/the father of my child..... I am done .... he showed up drunk to the hospital twice after my son was born and then he got a dui two weeks later and he still thinks he can drink.... plus he is kind of a loser i mean he makes 10$ an hour is 29 years old and isnt heading for anything better... also when he drinks he makes me very nervous he gets so sloppy i worry about the safety of my child.... so i have been staying over at my parents house alot....
The problem is he doesnt want to leave us and he loves us sooo much blah blah blah... if i could snap my fingers and make him dissapear i would.... also we have an apartment together and all the furniture there is mine plus the electric bill is in my name.... i dont know how to force him to leave and meanwhile i am gonna drain my small savings to keep a place that i wont stay in because he is there
I love my son sooo much and i love being a mom... I really really turned my life around and i knew that the father would either step up or step down when jesse was born and it seems he stepped down....
There is no easy answer right now and believe me i tried giving him many many chances but i think i need to call it....
I guess what i am asking is how do I get rid of him... whats the best way... how can i make him leave?
 
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Why would you have a child with such a person? It's not fair on you, him or the child.

What exactly are you asking?
 
well the child wasnt totally planned... and i was hoping things would work out but that didnt happen

i guess i am asking advice of any kind

omen_owen mk2 said:
Why would you have a child with such a person? It's not fair on you, him or the child.

What exactly are you asking?
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and i realize its not fair to my child to have a father like that and believe me i am not happy about it
 
Wow, Tacky, what a shitty situation to be in. Good for you in stepping up to be a good mom.

If it were me, I would first of all decide what I was going to do. I would probably give up my apartment and move in with my parents if that were an option and you get along. Having a kid is very hard and you will need the help.

Once I had all of that lined up, I would sit him down and explain how you feel. Tell him maybe that you are not completely done with him, and if he can use the separation to clean up his act, then maybe there will be hope one day. But that without a major turn around, there will be no chance that you will be together.

Maybe consider couples counseling? While still being separated, though. I think he will really need a major shake up to see that his actions are not acceptable.

The problem is that most men don't really latch on to their kids until they are older, but by then it will be too late.

So basically, my advice is to get all of your ducks in a row, split up with him but give him the chance to redeem himself, and in the meantime do whatever you need to to keep your shit together. Good luck. You deserve to have a partner and a baby daddy who pulls his own weight.
 
Tacky, I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this, especially so soon after having your child. It's not as if you didn't already have enough things to take care of :(
I recall you talking about this man months ago though and you already sounded quite unhappy with him so from what I know, it seems to me you're definitely making the right choice. Good on you for making the step, can't be easy.

Beachcat said:
I would probably give up my apartment and move in with my parents if that were an option and you get along. Having a kid is very hard and you will need the help.
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I think that's a good idea. Would you be able to stay with your parents until you can find yourself a new place? / Or rather, until he leaves the one you now share?
I suppose this might be a bit of a dumb question, but have you tried straight up telling him that he has no right to force you into staying with him any longer consider everything, that if he leaves it'll be better for the child, that you'll never be able to raise a child properly in such an environment, etc....?
If he really isn't listening to you, as a very last resort you could always threaten to bring it to court. I would hope it doesn't actually get to that point, but if he thinks you're actually ready to take that initiative it might be a big wake-up call for him to back off.
Good luck <3
 
thanks for the responses beach and pagey.... My parents are incredibly supportive.... I need to pay rent this month anyway so I will do that and take the month to figure this out or try too and stay mainly at my parents house.... Also I gave the lil guy my last name and told his dad he has 3 months to prove himself and if he does I will change Jesse's last name to his dads
Its just so frustrating because i made such a turnaround in my life but his dad just hasnt .... and he is great with the baby when he is sober but i cant be nervous everytime he walks in the door worrying that he might be drunk
 
How long has he been there, does he have residency/squatter rights? Are you common law married by the definition of where you live?
 
Have you been considering breaking up with him for long before the baby was born? Have you talked to him about it? Pregnancy and childbirth is such a confusing time emotionally for both parties and some people just don't know how to deal with it.

EDIT: I read that you answered part of my question in the Vent/Rant thread in TDS.
 
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Morphling said:
How long has he been there, does he have residency/squatter rights? Are you common law married by the definition of where you live?
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Who gives a flying fuck!

If he's a drunk mess and a danger to the welfare of your child--KICK HIS ASS OUT. Be like, you can not show up drunk to the house anymore--it's affecting our child. He'll do it and then you'll tell him, you can not stay here tonight--I'm sorry. Deals a deal.
 
I agree with the above, tell him he can't come home drunk and if he does he can't stay there.

I can tell you that so much chages in your relationship in thef first year of being parents, its a rollercoaster! Some guys take longer to adjust than others. And it makes you question everything in life, from your own upbringing to what you want for your own child.

When my son was born we went through a terrible time where we hated each other. I think its so hard because you have this amazing baby of your own, but the emotions and stress can really try you and your relationship.

That being said, there is no excuse for being drunk at the hospital and drink driving. It sounds like you have had enough, and trying to adjust to life as a mum is tough without a douchebag around.

First of all look after yourself. Watch out for postnatal depression and get all the support you can.

In terms of the dad, its really important that he gets time to bond with his son, but only if you are comfortable and safe and happy with the situation. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. If he wants to get drunk and miss out on the most exciting and special time of his life, that's his loss.

You sound like a sensible and loving mum, please stay strong. Feel free to pm me, i have a beautiful one year old and as I said I have been through a lot with my partner in the last year, but things have settled down now and we are(mostly) a happy little family!
Much love mumma
 
Sounds like my dad. IDK but if he can't sober up, that kids gonna be fucked up one way or another. mark my words :(

Eventually he got a good job, but that was like the 90's and he remained a verbally and sometimes physically abusive aggressive drunk, to this day.
 
well right now i am at my parents house and lil man is thankfully happy and unaware of the drama for now... i want the best for him hopefully i can come to some kind of solution soon
 
^ me too. To this day my dad left scars and still makes them, and I'm 23 years old. In fact he just literally told me to go blow my brains out (with a gun) 1 min ago before I got on here. I know he doesn't mean it, he's just wasted but still has an effect. I guess I learned to cope. My whole life :(

IDK how I'd have turned out had my dad left the bastard when I was a baby. But trust me, I got no job right now, and I seriously want to die everyday I wake up I wish I didn't :(

I hope your ex/current bf sober's up and/or everything turns out for the best. <3
 
why is that guy even in the apartment?

if he is joint tentant on the lease and this is causing problems you need to cancel the bills in your name, talk to the landlord about moving out and then stay with your parents for a while then find a new place.

if he is a sloppy alcohol addict get him out of your life step by step. first step stop paying for shit you are not using, then sever financial ties with him via support from your parents. then move on
 
tackyspiral said:
thanks for the responses beach and pagey.... My parents are incredibly supportive.... I need to pay rent this month anyway so I will do that and take the month to figure this out or try too and stay mainly at my parents house.... Also I gave the lil guy my last name and told his dad he has 3 months to prove himself and if he does I will change Jesse's last name to his dads
Its just so frustrating because i made such a turnaround in my life but his dad just hasnt .... and he is great with the baby when he is sober but i cant be nervous everytime he walks in the door worrying that he might be drunk
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tackyspiral said:
well right now i am at my parents house and lil man is thankfully happy and unaware of the drama for now... i want the best for him hopefully i can come to some kind of solution soon
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I'm glad to hear you're managing to get your parents' help with all this. What have you told the father about the situation? I mean, was the 3 month thing when Jesse was born or is that recent? / What do you plan on doing in the meantime?

severely etarded said:
^ me too. To this day my dad left scars and still makes them, and I'm 23 years old. In fact he just literally told me to go blow my brains out (with a gun) 1 min ago before I got on here. I know he doesn't mean it, he's just wasted but still has an effect. I guess I learned to cope. My whole life :(
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:( <3
Not worth sticking with someone who can't control themselves enough to take care of their child 24/7...being a parent isn't a part-time job. It's harsh but it'll really be for the best in the end tacky :\
 
Tacky, much <3 to you and to Jesse. I saw the photo of him you posted in the SO parents' thread and he is adorable, for all that has happened, you are blessed with a wonderful son. I am sorry to read that things are not working out between you and his father.

I agree with others who have advised that you and Jesse should be with your parents right now. I also agree with mindsnare that you should carefully monitor yourself for symptoms of post-partum depression. Your doctor(s) will surely work on that with you. Now is the time for you and Jesse to be in the care of people who you love and trust. I would not leave a newborn in the care of someone who was actively using, whether it be alcohol or any other substance. While newborns are incredibly resilient, they deserve as little stress as possible. It's hard work being born! <3

You are Jesse's mother. You simply must take care of yourself, asking for help when needed, and knowing your own limits. I wish you in advance a Happy Mother's Day and you and your family the best. <3
 
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