mydrugbuddy
Bluelighter
sorry this post will be tl;dr for most everyone so in a nutshell I need advice/opinions on whether i should just keep quiet and move on, or if i should raise the issue. I believe the shit would hit the fan, almost literally if i did......
I'm a client at a sort of rehab, but recently I've become unhappy with the lack of support ie been getting (none basically). is it likely to cause even more damage and get me banned, or heal things a bit. Ive written this letter which I'm going to read parts of to my key worker depending on how things go.
F,
Please let me wizz through this. it feels important to me, it may sound mad to you.FIRSTLY I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR THE high levels of KINDNESS AND COMPASSION THAT you have shown me. THAT HELPED ME ENORMOUSLY AND GOT THINGS OFF TO A VERY GOOD START,
i would just like to say a few more things if i may. i could not have asked for a more warm, friendly, supportive and encouraging helper than yourself. I want to carry on working with you.....(though the feeling may not be mutual after this) if i cant get on with you i must have bigger problems than even i thought.I don't think its anything to do with lack of rappore. THERE'S ALL THESE THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU IF I CAN, I FEEL IT WILL HELP YOU TO SEE ME AS SEE MYSELF.But half an hours not enough time. How do we decide what important.
Often I'm not properly rational. My mood swings, loss of perspective, delusions.........when do you decide if a mental health team is required ?i was in a dazed stupor last time i saw you, and was totally confused by everything. This is s a side of me you may not have seen b4. i get them time to time. I usually kind of shut down like that when I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be, and feeling paranoid as fuck or some other fucked up mind state.
i believe for our relationship to continue to grow there is a hell of a lot of stuff that i need to tell you as i cant expect you to be a mind reader.
I really hope it does not seem to you that I'm just being difficult.That really isn't the case, I just like to know where i stand. I'm rather anal and a bit aspergers i think.i put a lot of work into my homework as i call it, trying to incorporate what I've learned from that day in the most positive way possible, into what i already know.I think thee has been some development. Although i have these last few days I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO SHAKE OFF a very negative an bitter experience. My mental health has been worse than it has been for a long time.
I'm not getting any of these things it says n the leaflets like "life support techniques " or something. I need them. i once again struggle to pass people in corridors without feeling self conscious and paranoid, that's a clear sign for me that my confidence has totally gone. Maybe M was actually right and i do need extra mental health support. i struggle to express my assertiveness which is what the other class tells us to so, and i believe i am trying to do now.
right the paranoia, OR ITS PROBABLY REAL ACTUALLY. SOME BLONDE LADY ON THE STAFF SEEMS TO HATE ME WITH A PASSION. THERE COULD BE A COUPLE OF REASONS FOR THAT.
I ASKED HER IF I COULD BORROW A PEN AND SHE SAID THERE'S A SHOP OVER THERE.I WAS TOO STUNNED TO SAY ANYTHING, EVEN THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON IVE EVER WORKED WITH HAS NEVER BEEN THAT MEAN. I THINK IVE BEEN TOTALLY MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN (THERE COMES A STAGE WHEN YOU CAN BEAR THIS NO LONGER) AND PAINTED AS AN EVIL MONSTER WHICH I DON'T BELIEVE I AM. BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DO HAVE A CONSCIENCE, AN THAT DOESN'T HALF TROUBLE ME WHEN I'VE DONE SOMETHING I'M NOT HAPPY WITH, WHETHER I COULD HELP IT OR NOT. And being told off for swearing during a private and quiet conversation in a room in which we were alone by some jumped up 18 year old girl in a power suit. I mean come on. Its a drugs treatment centre not a mosque, church or the Notre Dam Cathedral.
i understand that you were upset that it told your boss about the phone calls I am sincerely sorry for that, especially after you have been one of the kindest most helpful people i have ever met. I was under the impression i had a right to speak to someone "WHENEVER I FELT in crisis". Which i was in and getting worse by the ay. I didn't like the he's phoned twice again today attitude, and then nothing gets done approach that seemed to be the case. WHEN YOU ARE DESPERATE TO SPEAK TO SOME1 TWICE A DAY ISN'T REALLY THAT BAD,....By the time i made my 10th call it just so happened that it was your boss that answered, i didn't ask to speak to her, i was at the end of my tether BY THEN I COULDN'T HAVE CARED LESS IF I WAS SPEAKING TO THE QUEEN HERSELF. I just wanted someone to speak to Anyway that's my side of it. I can carry on HERE and be the hated client, try this to see if understanding improves between parties, get banned, or i can leave ,if those are my ONLY options. Is that how it goes ?
I was nervous what you said 3 of us would talk about "best option" it can be so hard to focus on anything constructive during that period of taper and wd, I'll just every ounce of will power and determination to stick to it....that's why i need the help, and was so distraught when i didn't get it.....especially as i specifically asked for jut a quick call to check if i was ok every day. Again is that ME expecting too much AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I CAN EXPECT, I didn't think that was an unreasonable request. Id rather be found dead
within a day or 2, not the several weeks later as would have been the case otherwise.
You've seen most sides of mdb now, i think F was shocked at the state i was in. she still seems kind of nervous or scared of me now. Im not sure if i'm imagining that will ask her. try to reassure her.
a bit paranoid that you're all going to start hating me as a trouble maker, if i ring up or turn up in crisis for support.
i'm sorry i feel that i've been very negative since i failed my last wd
it knocks me back badly to keep failing thESE THINGS
not so scared of the 3 way meeting thing now.
youve seen nearly all the different sides of me now. haha....paranoid side this week, Are you sure yu want to keep working with me ? lol
I'M PROBABLY GOING WAY OVER THE TOP AS USUAL with this but i'm really sorry y if i upset you last week, u see that's the kind of person i can be with awful social skills etc..... confused........I'm being an idiot,
Binges vary in their strength and length. Just have urges to go on one. give you an idea how i mad when i have problems in the real world people expect me to have brilliant social skills, but far from it, i can be very clumsy and tactless....did i i do something to upset you..?
at the time i most need support i didn't get any, 1 call from b. despite asking for someome1 to phone me daily to make sure i was ok and still alive........
its an endless soul destroying thing to always be tapering. you never get to have any fun.motivation to quit can disappear. get no fun or sleep ! makes me very bad tempered, (maybe I've got a nasty streak but i don't think such a motive was behind this. Why on earth would there be. Can i not get some help here, or do i need to speak to another centre ?
out of control periods - will need increased support, tapers are such a drag. my communication with you has been terrible, i cannot expect you to be mind reader. but I would have expected the center to know about supporting people more through wd. I need more support during tapers and then cold turkey. Its a very hard thing to do..
i always panic when there groups of people talking about what to do about me....i think i will need extra support if avail for my 4th or 5th attempt coming off the opioids. i think something relatively simple has been mad a nightmare by M and the lack of time communication between us has been a problem too. i know i only get u for 30 minutes a week.
I've kept my emotions quite w/d as I've been hurt, but i can see that an emotional aspect is coming into play here. i m not rational when i go without sleep
i think the worsening of my MENTAL HEALTH is due to lack of sleep and drugs and support
My mind is much clearer now , i was in a state of total confusion last week. it that had continued i would have needed all the extra mental health stuff but not i think its all down to
Perhaps you've never seen me in the kind of state i was in last week. Usually i stay inside WHEN I'M THAT ILL! But yeah i can have very bad days like last week every month or 2 (hard to know accurately) and sometimes struggle to keep perspective as a result.
my social skills etc or lack of can cause offence/hurt OFTEN.i BELIEVE I'm a bit Aspergers AS WELL I THINK, AN I MAY HAVE OFFENDED THAT BLONDE LAST BY BEING UNABLE TO RETURN HER WARM DAZZLING SMILE. i JUST CANNOT DO THAT WITH PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE
you've probably never seen that side to me. There's a lot i haven't told you, its not that i don't want to build rapport but because of lack of time between us.
i cannot over emphasis the state i was in last week. some cope with little sleep. I don't. I get completely confused and irrational. you see that's the cause of the recent problems, no need for more workers just yet !!
i fear i may be misunderstood otherwise. MY MENTAL HEALTH DOES REALLY PLUMMET SOMETIMES,
i can get in bad and twisted head spaces, irrational etc.....
f i go through phases when i'm really not well at all, prob why all the drugs.
i have a lot of interpersonal problems too. if i offend you its a 99% that it was accidental.
of course i UNDERSTAND if you were UPSET WITH ME TELLING UR BOSS THING. . I have SOCIAL PROBLEMS that can be totally devastating at times, You usually see me when I'm under the influence of something or other, which makes me far more composed and outgoing, if less tactful..i was worried about going into another breakdown last week. i've cut out the cannabinoids this week, as i had a very long paranoia attack as night and woke up very depressed today.I had to get my point across, though i seemed to have done so in the worse way, in causing massive ill feeling all round, which was the last thing i wanted, for something else to go wrong on top of everything else. SO IF I DO OR SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE, YOU CAN BE PRETTY MUCH Guaranteed ITS NOT @ YOU.
I'm realising more and more that my expectations of life are truly out of touch with the reality of the situations.
I don't know what will happen now. I sincerely hope I wont be banned as a trouble maker. I will not be spreading any more negativity; Once I've said what i need to say i can drop the matter then, otherwise it torments me all day and most of the night going round and round in my head IT was just the accumulation of a number of trivial events that got to me, At least some of the staff seem to remember that they are dealing with people with mental health and substance misuse problems.
I'm a client at a sort of rehab, but recently I've become unhappy with the lack of support ie been getting (none basically). is it likely to cause even more damage and get me banned, or heal things a bit. Ive written this letter which I'm going to read parts of to my key worker depending on how things go.
F,
Please let me wizz through this. it feels important to me, it may sound mad to you.FIRSTLY I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR THE high levels of KINDNESS AND COMPASSION THAT you have shown me. THAT HELPED ME ENORMOUSLY AND GOT THINGS OFF TO A VERY GOOD START,
i would just like to say a few more things if i may. i could not have asked for a more warm, friendly, supportive and encouraging helper than yourself. I want to carry on working with you.....(though the feeling may not be mutual after this) if i cant get on with you i must have bigger problems than even i thought.I don't think its anything to do with lack of rappore. THERE'S ALL THESE THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU IF I CAN, I FEEL IT WILL HELP YOU TO SEE ME AS SEE MYSELF.But half an hours not enough time. How do we decide what important.
Often I'm not properly rational. My mood swings, loss of perspective, delusions.........when do you decide if a mental health team is required ?i was in a dazed stupor last time i saw you, and was totally confused by everything. This is s a side of me you may not have seen b4. i get them time to time. I usually kind of shut down like that when I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be, and feeling paranoid as fuck or some other fucked up mind state.
i believe for our relationship to continue to grow there is a hell of a lot of stuff that i need to tell you as i cant expect you to be a mind reader.
I really hope it does not seem to you that I'm just being difficult.That really isn't the case, I just like to know where i stand. I'm rather anal and a bit aspergers i think.i put a lot of work into my homework as i call it, trying to incorporate what I've learned from that day in the most positive way possible, into what i already know.I think thee has been some development. Although i have these last few days I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO SHAKE OFF a very negative an bitter experience. My mental health has been worse than it has been for a long time.
I'm not getting any of these things it says n the leaflets like "life support techniques " or something. I need them. i once again struggle to pass people in corridors without feeling self conscious and paranoid, that's a clear sign for me that my confidence has totally gone. Maybe M was actually right and i do need extra mental health support. i struggle to express my assertiveness which is what the other class tells us to so, and i believe i am trying to do now.
right the paranoia, OR ITS PROBABLY REAL ACTUALLY. SOME BLONDE LADY ON THE STAFF SEEMS TO HATE ME WITH A PASSION. THERE COULD BE A COUPLE OF REASONS FOR THAT.
I ASKED HER IF I COULD BORROW A PEN AND SHE SAID THERE'S A SHOP OVER THERE.I WAS TOO STUNNED TO SAY ANYTHING, EVEN THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON IVE EVER WORKED WITH HAS NEVER BEEN THAT MEAN. I THINK IVE BEEN TOTALLY MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN (THERE COMES A STAGE WHEN YOU CAN BEAR THIS NO LONGER) AND PAINTED AS AN EVIL MONSTER WHICH I DON'T BELIEVE I AM. BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DO HAVE A CONSCIENCE, AN THAT DOESN'T HALF TROUBLE ME WHEN I'VE DONE SOMETHING I'M NOT HAPPY WITH, WHETHER I COULD HELP IT OR NOT. And being told off for swearing during a private and quiet conversation in a room in which we were alone by some jumped up 18 year old girl in a power suit. I mean come on. Its a drugs treatment centre not a mosque, church or the Notre Dam Cathedral.
i understand that you were upset that it told your boss about the phone calls I am sincerely sorry for that, especially after you have been one of the kindest most helpful people i have ever met. I was under the impression i had a right to speak to someone "WHENEVER I FELT in crisis". Which i was in and getting worse by the ay. I didn't like the he's phoned twice again today attitude, and then nothing gets done approach that seemed to be the case. WHEN YOU ARE DESPERATE TO SPEAK TO SOME1 TWICE A DAY ISN'T REALLY THAT BAD,....By the time i made my 10th call it just so happened that it was your boss that answered, i didn't ask to speak to her, i was at the end of my tether BY THEN I COULDN'T HAVE CARED LESS IF I WAS SPEAKING TO THE QUEEN HERSELF. I just wanted someone to speak to Anyway that's my side of it. I can carry on HERE and be the hated client, try this to see if understanding improves between parties, get banned, or i can leave ,if those are my ONLY options. Is that how it goes ?
I was nervous what you said 3 of us would talk about "best option" it can be so hard to focus on anything constructive during that period of taper and wd, I'll just every ounce of will power and determination to stick to it....that's why i need the help, and was so distraught when i didn't get it.....especially as i specifically asked for jut a quick call to check if i was ok every day. Again is that ME expecting too much AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I CAN EXPECT, I didn't think that was an unreasonable request. Id rather be found dead
within a day or 2, not the several weeks later as would have been the case otherwise.
You've seen most sides of mdb now, i think F was shocked at the state i was in. she still seems kind of nervous or scared of me now. Im not sure if i'm imagining that will ask her. try to reassure her.
a bit paranoid that you're all going to start hating me as a trouble maker, if i ring up or turn up in crisis for support.
i'm sorry i feel that i've been very negative since i failed my last wd
it knocks me back badly to keep failing thESE THINGS
not so scared of the 3 way meeting thing now.
youve seen nearly all the different sides of me now. haha....paranoid side this week, Are you sure yu want to keep working with me ? lol
I'M PROBABLY GOING WAY OVER THE TOP AS USUAL with this but i'm really sorry y if i upset you last week, u see that's the kind of person i can be with awful social skills etc..... confused........I'm being an idiot,
Binges vary in their strength and length. Just have urges to go on one. give you an idea how i mad when i have problems in the real world people expect me to have brilliant social skills, but far from it, i can be very clumsy and tactless....did i i do something to upset you..?
at the time i most need support i didn't get any, 1 call from b. despite asking for someome1 to phone me daily to make sure i was ok and still alive........
its an endless soul destroying thing to always be tapering. you never get to have any fun.motivation to quit can disappear. get no fun or sleep ! makes me very bad tempered, (maybe I've got a nasty streak but i don't think such a motive was behind this. Why on earth would there be. Can i not get some help here, or do i need to speak to another centre ?
out of control periods - will need increased support, tapers are such a drag. my communication with you has been terrible, i cannot expect you to be mind reader. but I would have expected the center to know about supporting people more through wd. I need more support during tapers and then cold turkey. Its a very hard thing to do..
i always panic when there groups of people talking about what to do about me....i think i will need extra support if avail for my 4th or 5th attempt coming off the opioids. i think something relatively simple has been mad a nightmare by M and the lack of time communication between us has been a problem too. i know i only get u for 30 minutes a week.
I've kept my emotions quite w/d as I've been hurt, but i can see that an emotional aspect is coming into play here. i m not rational when i go without sleep
i think the worsening of my MENTAL HEALTH is due to lack of sleep and drugs and support
My mind is much clearer now , i was in a state of total confusion last week. it that had continued i would have needed all the extra mental health stuff but not i think its all down to
Perhaps you've never seen me in the kind of state i was in last week. Usually i stay inside WHEN I'M THAT ILL! But yeah i can have very bad days like last week every month or 2 (hard to know accurately) and sometimes struggle to keep perspective as a result.
my social skills etc or lack of can cause offence/hurt OFTEN.i BELIEVE I'm a bit Aspergers AS WELL I THINK, AN I MAY HAVE OFFENDED THAT BLONDE LAST BY BEING UNABLE TO RETURN HER WARM DAZZLING SMILE. i JUST CANNOT DO THAT WITH PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE
you've probably never seen that side to me. There's a lot i haven't told you, its not that i don't want to build rapport but because of lack of time between us.
i cannot over emphasis the state i was in last week. some cope with little sleep. I don't. I get completely confused and irrational. you see that's the cause of the recent problems, no need for more workers just yet !!
i fear i may be misunderstood otherwise. MY MENTAL HEALTH DOES REALLY PLUMMET SOMETIMES,
i can get in bad and twisted head spaces, irrational etc.....
f i go through phases when i'm really not well at all, prob why all the drugs.
i have a lot of interpersonal problems too. if i offend you its a 99% that it was accidental.
of course i UNDERSTAND if you were UPSET WITH ME TELLING UR BOSS THING. . I have SOCIAL PROBLEMS that can be totally devastating at times, You usually see me when I'm under the influence of something or other, which makes me far more composed and outgoing, if less tactful..i was worried about going into another breakdown last week. i've cut out the cannabinoids this week, as i had a very long paranoia attack as night and woke up very depressed today.I had to get my point across, though i seemed to have done so in the worse way, in causing massive ill feeling all round, which was the last thing i wanted, for something else to go wrong on top of everything else. SO IF I DO OR SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE, YOU CAN BE PRETTY MUCH Guaranteed ITS NOT @ YOU.
I'm realising more and more that my expectations of life are truly out of touch with the reality of the situations.
I don't know what will happen now. I sincerely hope I wont be banned as a trouble maker. I will not be spreading any more negativity; Once I've said what i need to say i can drop the matter then, otherwise it torments me all day and most of the night going round and round in my head IT was just the accumulation of a number of trivial events that got to me, At least some of the staff seem to remember that they are dealing with people with mental health and substance misuse problems.
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anyway its getting a trim right down.