Coming to terms with legal ramifications

[evilthree]

Hello Dark Side

It's been awhile since I posted on bluelight. I've been out of commission due to some unforeseen legal circumstances

long story short:
One of the people I deal with turned out to be working with police. He set me up. While I never considered myself a dealer, I did flip to support my habit and cop for people in order to get a few extra bags. Well, this landed me felony possession charges. I had to sit in county jail for 5 months before I got placed into a rehab, then did about 5 months at a halfway house

I got out because I was sworn into a drug court in my county. The technical name for my program is RIP(restrictive intermediate punishment), but unbeknownst to me the program was recently merged into the drug court in my county. Drug court is an extremely intensive probation, with random frequent urines and a heavy emphasis on treatment

I have been out of the halfway house for 2 days, and life seems very overwhelming. I have a 3 hour window in the morning to go take the urine, if I miss it I go to jail. I am assigned a color, I call a number every morning and if my color is called I go to take a piss in a cup. It's a bit of a trek, and my license is suspended

My issues lie with coming to terms with this is with treatment and the way the legal system treats people. I really despise the whole 12 step abstinence ideology preached, but I have no alternative. I think treatment is a waste of time and money, and has not really provided me anything positive. I am still baffled by the idea that I can be punished for what substances are in my body. I feel completely powerless since I can't even control what I consume. I wholeheartedly believe drugs can be a very positive experience, and I feel I am only quitting to stay out of jail. I'm still having problems coming to terms with the whole "crime" I committed too. I feel set up, what sense does it make for police to send someone to buy drugs for them under the guise they are a user, then arrest them and charge them with a crime? I'm trying to soldier through this program, but it feels like such a struggle to not give in and get high. While I want to get high very bad, I don't want to deal with the consequence of jail. I can survive in jail, but it's a miserable life in there. I find myself envious of people who can get high as well. I start feeling bitter and jealous of anyone who isn't jammed up in the legal system like I am

To be honest, if I felt it were feasible I'd jump the country, as I can't stand the mindset and government in America, but I really don't think I'd even make it out. Any advice/suggestions for me? I feel somewhat hopeless

 

[Cyc]

I'm not sure how your therapy sessions are set up, but isn't there some sort of passive resistance you could use that wouldn't be breaking the rules, but would allow you to exercise some control over your situation? The great thing here is that you still have your freedom, and with that freedom you are allowed access to information. Surely if you could simply be more informed about drugs than the people trying to help you, they would find that somewhat disempowering, since their entire position of authority rests on the basis of a perceived moral high ground.

If there is time to openly talk about drugs and addiction, then share your philosophy but leave your ego at the door. If they make a mistake about drugs or drug use, correct them. Most therapists and health care professionals don't have anything but textbook or anecdotal evidence to draw from. You should harness both your first-hand knowledge, and current research to create a powerful presence around yourself. Maintain your self-esteem and listen to what they have to say, but think critically. Don't be rude about it. If they make a good point, then recognize it but keep your sources handy - and share your philosophy freely - just make sure it is well-reasoned and unassailable.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

 

[cj]

I would advise you to keep your head down and pretend like your are buying what they are selling. There is really nothing to be gained from passive resistance as they will just hold you back in the program longer. The best thing you can do is just blend in dont stand out at all and try to get done as quickily as possible. Just remember that there is a war going on and you are a prisoner of war keep your head up and it will be over before you know it.

 

[Cyc]

^ That's the other side of it. I'm not offended that you disagree with me, but the OP's post made it sound like the system is trying to break his will. He's not a racing horse. He sounds like a smart person with the ability to reason and think for himself.

I don't suggest making waves unnecessarily, but if crimson, like you say, we're in the middle of a war, then surely knuckling under completely is no way to achieve victory - and certainly doing drugs is a very bad idea here and not the way to make a statement.

Maybe it's easy for me to sit on the sidelines and suggest someone put their freedom at risk in order to win a battle or two, but I'd at least like to think that I would do the same in a similar situation. I don't know - no easy answers here. OP, do what you have to do to survive and maintain your sanity.

 

[cj]

^^^
Yea im glad your not offended as I have much respect for you and your opinion. I guess I just feel like once your in the criminal justice system there is no way you can change it from the inside. When I was on probation I did drugs when I felt like I could get away with it as a way to keep my sanity and perspective. I just dont think the OP should cause him or herself any more grief then is neccesary.Its not an enviable situation that is for sure.

Not to go to far off topic but I struggle with this in my day to day life on the one hand thegoverment is persecuting us and that is wrong and should be challenged. But on the other hand its easier to shut up get high and try not to draw attention to yourself. I dunno what the answer is honestly. Im kinda tired and maybe not able to properly articulate my position I will come back to this later and see if I have something more constructive to add.

edit CYC I dont think we disagree. Its just when I come to the darkside to post I try to give advice as if im telling it to a family member or a client in a phychiatric setting. I would love for this dude to fight the power and win but I dont know him his circumstances or what he is about. If hes a 20 year old kid with a 5 month old daughter at home he doesnt need to be rebelling against the system he just needs to get out without further fucking his life up. Now if hes like me a 23 year old in college with a penchant for political activism and the stomach for danger then hell yea he should raise hell and create a fuss but I just dont know him well enough to say. But we dont disagree I actually really liked your advice.

 

[RedLeader]

To be honest, if I felt it were feasible I'd jump the country, as I can't stand the mindset and government in America, but I really don't think I'd even make it out. Any advice/suggestions for me? I feel somewhat hopeless

If you really want to properly leave the country at some point, then don't do anything that could jeopardize this. Don't try and flee the country while you are on probation/diversion, as it won't work and could get you in deeper trouble. Complete the program so that you don't end up a convicted felon (passports for felons can be very difficult). Complete the program so that you don't end up with any drug-related convictions on your record, as a lot of foreign countries won't let you in at all, or won't let you obtain work/extended-stay visas, if they pull up a drug conviction.

 

[painenduser]

One simple note to the OP's original post, while I agree with you that it's BS for people to be sent to jail or charged with a felony for personal use, it is another thing when you are supplying it to others. The problem is not you perse, the problem is to whom you are getting it for. I don't want to unleash a can of worms here, but I am sure it will.

If you look at the statistics, drugs in this country are the number 1 cause behind crime. They are number 1 or 2 behind violence. They are at the route of many people hurting themselves or others. Drugs are at the forefront of medical issues which costs the average tax payer alot of money as a lot of users have no employment and no money and then the rest of the world winds paying the medical bills for those people.

Now I am not saying that YOU are causing this, I am just saying that statistically that is why the laws are there. I agree, though, if I haven't hurt anyone or myself then why should I get arrested for whats in my body, but the laws are enacted to keep the masses safe. At least thats how I understand it. I mean just think if you were to sell to someone who you thought was totally cool and then they took what ever it was and then got in a car and killed 3 people in a car wreck. Would you want that on your head? I know I wouldn't. I mean I know it sucks, and I know how you feel and in ways I agree with you. The biggest problem we have is that we are treated like criminals when we have an addiction before a crime has ever been commited. They have no clue in this country how to deal with addicts and therefore they toss a law infront of it and treat you like a criminal. That in and of itself is criminal. If they were to spend more money on true rehabilitation and getting people help with their drug problem then people would be more willing to get help.

I don't hink there are many people would disagree, that they wished that they could have better help for their problems then resort to drugs, but since those programs do not exist and the ones that do are way to costly for the average person to get into. There should be more money spent on mental health then the criminal system in my opinion. I don't know I hope I have not sparked a huge debate here, as that is not my intention as this is just my personal opinion. I mean I resorted to alcohol to numb my mental pains. Do I wish I hadn't? You betcha. Do I believe that the rehabs that I were in were there for my best interest? No freakin way. It is the reason that I refuse to go to AA/NA and that I completely believe that no one has a clue what we need to get better. That is one reason why I decided to get sober on my own as with all the rehabs I have been through not one was there to help the problems I was having. Everything is done in a group and not once did they hit upon nor ask me what I felt would help me to stay sober.. They forced AA down my throat to the point that I hated the rooms and I would relapse soon after going to meeting just to suppress the bullshit of the meetings. In my opinion, the whole way addicts are treated is shit and they need better programs that are more personalized to the individual as many people have just as many reasons for their addictions.

OP, I do have to agree what everything the others are saying though, just do what is expected of you and don't do anything rash like leave the country especially when you currently have your legal issues. If you think that moving to a different country to get away from the oppressions of the drug laws in the states your sadly mistaken. It is no easier anywhere else, plus leaving the country while in the middle of your legal issues could most certainly cause you WAY more issues then you have now. As the one guy said, don't draw attention to yourself and just do what you have to do and then when it's over and you want to get high, feel free, just keep it to yourself and dont trust anyone who is involved with drugs. The drug wars are getting hotter as time goes on, so the tactics are going to keep getting tougher. Just do your time and get it over with and don't draw the attention to yourself and you will find that your time will be over before you know it.

Be safe, be smart.

Peace!

Pain

 

[RedLeader]

^ Very good post! Thank you for taking the time to write it.


To the OP, I'm sure you feel the desire to keep using through the program, but trust me it's not a good idea. You'll have to do some tap-dancing in order to pull it off, and even then things can easily go wrong. Say you're doing heroin and you give your system 4 days to clean itself, but what you don't know if that your heroin was cut with a benzo. You test negative for morphine but positive for benzos, and you're fucked. That's just an example, which happened to a friend of mine two years ago. Anyway, the increased stress due to fear of being caught using in the program will make you enjoy your highs less, and yet still want to use more to calm the associated stress/paranoia/anxiety. This is textbook self-medication, which is typically not responsible drug use.

Look at it this way... We all start into drugs because we're curious about the options out there and how reality can be changed. But when you're used to drugs, either one or rotating, extended sobriety becomes a foreign experience. I know it's not that exciting, but if you can look at it as a challenge, as a new way to try and live with unknown emotions, behaviours, thoughts, feelings, and so on, it's really not that bad. Just try it until the drug court program is over and you can move on with your life. If you like it, then stay sober, but if not the drugs will always be there.

 

[herbavore]

OP, I was going to say something similar to what I think Red is saying. Instead of resenting this consequence no matter how arbitrary and unfair, why not try to use it to your advantage? I don't like or agree with a lot of 12 step but I also see enormous value in a lot of it.The honest self-reflection it asks you to do can never be a bad thing. Staying clean for a relatively short period of time could be an eye opener for you as well. Just for the duration of your time in this program you could take it on as an experiment. If nothing else, it will keep you safe from having to go through more of this in your future and will give you a sense that you can control your life. Let us know how it is going, ok?