Four months is nothing, it's not even completely out of your system yet. It takes about 6 months to wash out, then your brain starts upregulating receptors and re-balancing neurotransmitters. I went through your posts and I really hope you can stop thinking about suicide all the time soon. Just hold on, keep your friends close, anyone who cares about you. Have them come to your house and watch TV with them. If you're comfortable with it, have them hold you on the couch or hug you for a long time.
It really does get better, you're not ruined. You have just stepped into a brain damage simulator. It's going to be a shitty year, but you will come out the other side.