Alright. It has officially been two years for me. I'm mostly recovered but I still have some problems. Life is worth living in spite of it all. Right around this time two years ago, I went home. I felt my brain just... unspooling. It felt like I was playing a video game in my body. I was horrified that I did this to myself. I had electively taken invega sustenna in order to go home early because I thought I was going to be falsely accused of certain crimes because I'm queer and because of one of my intrusive thought themes, and then I would be killed by far right terrorists or government agents killing people in mental hospitals with my character assassinated as well. I thought I had a dream about it.
Before this happened, I was approached by a scammer. I thought something was going sideways with my new ADHD medication, it can cause psychosis and mania. I thought this scammer was the same person who was trying to help me get in contact with mental health support over Messenger (she knew a mental health professional who helped my friend get connected to mental health services for her OCD) but it was just a psychic scam. I thought my friend was mad at me after an incident in a Discord server and it was making my OCD act up. I told this stranger about this and they/it said that I was in deep trouble with my friend and they needed to do a spell to clear ancestral karma to fix it. I got into my intrusive thoughts with this stranger who was only after what little money I had. This scammer started repeating phrases and I realized it would be triggered by certain keywords and it would say something extremely manipulative to get you to keep talking to it. I realized I wasn't talking to a real person. I thought if I blocked and reported it it would trigger emails with AI generated images of me doing evil things to everyone in my contacts. I had the delusion that I read an article about scammers doing similar things to people. I had somehow given this scammer my bank info too, so the next morning I was shocked that my bank account was negative. It decreased twice. That idiot scammer didn't listen when I told their bot I don't have any money.
I felt as if this AI bot was driving me into madness. I saw a YouTube video that may have not been real about how AI can drive people into psychosis or create an unreality, and I thought that was happening to me. I thought it got into my computer, and it was somehow following me and listening to me through my phone. It was trying to get me to kill myself in my mind. When I eventually arrived at the mental hospital sedated by a benzo, I thought I had seen the place before but I had not, this is when I got the psychic dream delusion. What I needed at the time was emergency psychiatric counseling. But it was 1 AM and there wasn't anyone available. The hospital was understaffed and there were no therapists. I figured out how to talk to the nurses, but by then it was too late and I put myself on track to receive invega sustenna. I felt pretty neglected the whole hospital stay. If I had received therapy, I wouldn't have felt so scared.
I was a deeply emotional person before this. It was so strange to be without my emotions, without pleasure. I always had problems with motivation as someone with moderate combined type ADHD, but my motivation went through the floor during the first month. I barely remember the first 30 days of recovery, but I remember I drooled and shuffled, and slept a lot. I tried playing video games and watching TV. I remember watching Star Trek: Voyager. But by mid May, I tried to paint again. I was doing ok, but my OCD got really bad, especially about my relationships. I tried Welbutrin but it gave me anxiety, then I went on Guanfacine. I was determined to keep moving forward with my life even though I was functioning suboptimally. I had a sort of placebo effect because I believed it was out of my system in a month, even though we all know that's wrong. I wasn't thinking like myself. I thought going on Prozac would help me. I thought I would be ok since my recovery was going so smoothly. My sexuality was coming back, my genitals weren't numb like they were in the beginning.
One of my friends died that June. She was cremated so she didn't really have a funeral, it was closer to a memorial. It didn't even feel real. My beautiful, warm, hilarious friend was gone and I was surrounded by her friends, her girlfriend, her parents, her kids, and our mutual friends. I couldn't even sense the void she left, but I feel it now. It didn't feel real back then, but now I cry whenever I think about her. I couldn't even feel much about it and I blamed the emotional blunting on the guanfacine. I didn't start the Prozac until later. I got fixated on taking lion's mane extract during this time as well. The emotional blunting was softening but I obviously still had it. I thought I was doing fine until I found his place, then I felt like I had to do something about it. That "something" was taking Prozac and lion's mane extract. This was a massive mistake that set me back and worse.
I thought my friend wanted me to be under control on medication before I went to visit them. I rushed into getting on Prozac because I needed to control my OCD and relieve the strain relationship-themed OCD put on us. I wanted to confess the OCD themes I keep close to my chest as well, but they didn't want to go on a therapy call with me and my therapist.
Turns out they had similar intrusive thoughts and understood me better than anticipated. None of the shit that happened needed to happen, I could have just told them the whole time. It didn't have to eat me alive. It wouldn't have played into my psychosis. I wish they would've just talked to me before and during my time at the mental hospital.
Anyway, I took Prozac for six weeks. I read online that low dose Prozac was the safest SSRI to smoke weed on and cannabis made me feel somewhat normal, so I kept smoking. I ended up getting a taste of akathesia and psychosis again. I'm not sure if I had serotonin syndrome or not, it was mild as in not life threatening. My pupils weren't dilated and I was missing a few symptoms. I was experiencing psychosis again. Woodgrain would drift like I was tripping, I didn't understand a movie I had seen before, my heart wouldn't stop pounding and I kept crying, panicking over my lack of actual emotion. Part of me thought my friends were CIA agents or ChatGPT bots and I was interacting with a fake version of Discord that digitally cloned everything I interacted with. I entertained this during my first psychosis too, mostly because Discord was glitching a lot that week.
I went to a crisis center instead of that locked mental hospital this time. That's where I should have gone the first time. It was all caused by ADHD meds or cannabis withdrawal, I only needed to be monitored and sent home in a week. I never experienced psychosis outside of the influence of a pharmaceutical. Mental hospitals can make people feel more delusional and persecuted because of the way they are structured and the way they make you feel.
At the crisis center, I noticed more feeling in my clitoris and a throbbing libido after getting some good sleep. Before I went in, I noticed a lack of feeling in my clit and blunted orgasm. I thought I had avoided PSSD because I got better, except I still lacked some sensation, then I had one 5mg tablet of Ability. That killed everything I thought I had back, but it also brought me out of psychosis. I took Zyprexa for a few days after that because I didn't like how Ability made me feel.
After the 14 day washout of Ability my libido and sensation returned in a weak state. I thought I would simply get better from here, but I was very wrong. I went back to smoking weed without incident, but in a couple weeks I noticed something was wrong. My sensation was dissapearing until my whole crotch went numb just like it did on invega. I tried to recall emotion and I couldn't conjure anything. I couldn't remember my life. I thought maybe the lion's mane supplement I was taking was contaminated with mercury and I went to the hospital for testing.
I don't know what did it. I heard of lion's mane worsening PSSD so maybe I had mild PSSD to begin with, or perhaps when Prozac washed out a month after stopping, PSSD set in then. Anyway, I then had a severe case of PSSD with a total loss of libido, blunted orgasm, no emotions, severe depersonalization/derealization (I felt like a human camera that recorded nothing, I was just eyes that could not think abstractly or feel, I felt like I was made of plastic), numb body and especially numb genitalia, extreme apathy when I was never an apathetic person, and aphantasia. The only PSSD symptom I didn't have other than some weird neurological problems that are sometimes reported was that I never had complete anorgasmia. My Os happened but they felt like nothing.
I didn't feel anything for weeks other than the inescapable sense that I ruined my life. I was a very creative, curious, thoughtful, emotional and sexual person before this. I felt like I lost all of my intelligence, everything that made me myself. I'm certain this is what being lobotomized feels like.
I tried to hang myself with my dog's leash on a hook in my bedroom wall several times in those first few months. I didn't want to be left alone. It would have been so easy to kill myself because I had no emotional reaction to the thought. I certainly do now and it keeps me from taking suicidal actions like before.
My dog died and I didn't feel much about it. I loved him so much. He would be a big motivation to go outside and go for a walk, he loved to play even in his old age. This is gross, but he would do that "friendly dog sneeze" into the crack of my bedroom door when it was time for a walk and it left a film of dog mucus and I still haven't cleaned it. I cry about him now, but I barely cried when we buried him the next morning.
I thought now would be a good time to confirm any reproductive issues. My sister went with me to my transvaginal ultrasound that I barely felt happening. It confirmed that I was going to ovulate again finally, and I had a period that November. I didn't have any cysts but my testasterone finally cracked the upper limits of normal range like I long suspected it was doing, and I was diagnosed with PCOS. At this time I had seen small glimpses of erogenous sensation, I started appreciating nature again, but for the most part I felt like a stupid meatbag with a camera stuck to it.
I got COVID-19 around Christmas 2023 and I had a huge crash from that which lasted two months. I did start seeing emotional improvement in January. I had these alarming icy, zappy sensations in my forehead, face, and legs at the same time. I realize now it was my nerves turning back on. I would also get a lot of head pressure when I was doing something complex or trying to enjoy or feel anything. That has since stopped for the most part, but I make it a point to induce that pressure when I do feel it. It's neurological reconnection.
I saw the eclipse in Spring 2024, and even though it wasn't total where I was, I still felt a sense of awe. It didn't match the excitement I felt when I saw a total eclipse in 2017. I still felt a little magic and that gave me hope. I saw the aurora not long after that, even if it was for only a few minutes before the clouds rolled in, I knew I could still be impacted by the beauty of nature by then. My DP/DR resolved around this time. I was finally present in my body and I no longer felt barely sapient.
By June 2024, I felt like I turned a corner. I started having pleasurable orgasms and I felt emotion. I had more PSSD windows. I went to Pride and enjoyed the festival. I even attempted to date, but it didn't really feel right yet.
Things would come and go for months. I slowly achieved a livable baseline. From last summer onward things continued to improve. I was happy and confident enough to try to make art to sell last winter. Making things again made me very content. I have an imagination again. It very slowly came back and some vividness is missing still, but I can visualize again!
I finally feel the full impact of my favorite drug, marijuana. I'm just missing the euphoria but I get the head change from it, things get slightly trippy for me. No paranoia from it, as always.
I no longer have anhedonia really, but I'm missing a little enjoyment. Music doesn't sound as good, but I get frission again. I'm still seeing incremental improvement in emotional blunting, but it's not as clear cut and simple to state what is happening there as the improvement in my sexuality.
I have started to regain sensation and I have a little libido now most days. Masturbation doesn't feel like a chore, but I still find myself having to force myself to do it some days. It's not the same as before, but I think I could have sex and enjoy it. My genitalia isn't as sensitive as it should be or as easily aroused, but I can feel again and I get wet enough. I'm hoping for a recovery around my two year anniversary of PSSD onset.
I'm starting to feel more emotion in my body, especially anxiety. My heart has this "full" feeling when I think about loved ones. I have my sense of community back and I even made some new friends IRL.
My cognition feels mostly normal. I still have mild memory issues, I'm not sure if they'll be permanent. I felt completely disconnected from my life and now I don't because I can remember. I still don't feel like I'm thinking like my old self, I had a downright feverish brain that went in multiple directions at once and could really grok complex information as long as it wasn't mathematical. I was good at remembering facts and putting information together I can still do that, but slower and narrower in scope.
I don't feel right, but I feel ok. I feel like I can get on with my life. I might not be able to do everything I dreamed of, but I think I still have a future. I got a job, I'll see where that takes me. I'm up to the challenge of getting my life together. I hope I will continue to improve from here, I know it can take a long time to recover from PSSD, longer than invega injections. I have been through hell and back and I feel like I can handle anything my life throws at me, because I survived this.
