Coming off 20-40mg per day Hydro. Support? Advice?

[persnickety_er]

Hello.

I've been on 20-40mg per day of hydrocodone (blues) for a little over a year. In that time I've gone a day or two between doses (when I couldn't find a supply), The longest I've been without was about 2 weeks last summer when I tried to quit due to how much money I was spending on my habit. Didn't take, clearly.

A couple days ago I hit my lowest low point. I was getting edgy because I'd just finished my supply and couldn't find anymore...and I stole a quater bottle of liquid Lortab from my friend (the medicine was her KID'S). She asked me about it because she knows I take that stuff and I lied about it (hardcore lied) for about a day until the guilt was just too much and I admitted that I'd done it, and that I'd lied to her. That was yesterday, and I haven't heard from her since. I'm thinking I burned that bridge. I just feel like a completely crazy, gross drug addict for what I did. I don't steal...or lie...ESPECIALLY to my friends! I just don't recognize the person I'm becoming.

My last dose was Tuesday night at around 6:30pm (the liquid Lortab)...and I've been off since then. Right now I'm just trying to get my head right. I'm forcing myself to chug water...have a supply of Immodium AD for the stomach issues...and I even made myself do 50 sit ups last night for a bit of natural endorphin. I know what to expect. Know that the physical withdrawals will be gone by next Tuesday at the latest...but the physical is not EVEN the hardest part, as anyone who's tried to come off this stuff knows. Now I have to re-learn how to be happy without pills. I keep reminding myself this is awesome...I'll have so much more money that won't be going to my habit. I won't be reliant on any drug...won't have that constant tick in the back of my head reminding me how many pills I have left...

I'm lucky because I have a good, blessed life. I have an awesome boyfriend who makes me so happy, great parents, a good job, good friends (even minus the one I fear I lost due to addiction.) But I'm kind of the stable strong one in all of their eyes. I don't really want them to know I've become an addict...that's why I'm seeking some support here. From people who know what I'm going through.

I would love to hear about your trials, get a little feedback on my situation...how it looks to you. I really want to kick this thing. I'm being more active in fighting then I ever have trying to quit before (what with the forcing myself to exercise and chugging water instead of energy drinks--which would add to the tummy issues.) I really feel good about this, I have my low times where my head is like "GOD DAMNIT I WANT PILLS!" But when I get that thought, or when my stomach starts to churn with anxiety, I make myself take a deep breath, chug some more water, and force a smile. I CAN DO THIS. I know it. I don't want to be the person I'm starting to become. I want to be me.

Cheers.

 

[theseeker]

I've come off similar habits before and for about a week I was feeling really off and depressed. After that, things got progressively better. After a month had passed I had no noticeable symptoms. After 2 months I was completely back to normal. If you can manage to stay away from those pills, you will fully recover. Have you thought about maybe some therapy to address why the pills were necessary in the first place? I know my issues have totally contributed to making me a pill popper.

 

[persnickety_er]

Have you thought about maybe some therapy to address why the pills were necessary in the first place? I know my issues have totally contributed to making me a pill popper.

I've never really thought about going to therapy for the reason why. I basically feel like the reason why is because they're fun. They make me so happy to do anything. i was happy and excited to be at work, doing anything...when typically I would have off days where I didn't want to go to work (like everyone does...) When I started becoming irritable and moody even WITH the pills (about a month or two ago) I started thinking I should probably quit...but instead I upped my dosage. Until this recent low point where I just...HAVE to quit. I can't become a lying, thieving opiate addict. I just refuse to continue down that path...

I've been on doctor-prescribed antidepressants since I was 19 and am not planning to stop those. So once the opiates are out of my system and I finish detoxing, hopefully they will get back to work and managing the chemical imbalance in my brain, and I can learn to be genuinely happy about things again...

 

[Alex000]

Luckily, you were on a relatively low dose, actually as far as opiate addictions go, a really low dose, and you have been addicted for a year (some struggle with much longer addictions). Because of this, after acute wd's I think you will snap back fairly good, now don't expect everything to be happy and cheery in a few days, but I don't think you will suffer from PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) or anything like it. The worst will definitely be the acute wd's, and I have confidence you will bounce back fairly nicely, fairly quickly. Also, don't beat yourself up for stealing that liquid Lortab or whatever else you did cause of your addiction. It is the past, and it is what it is. Focus on the present and future if you can. I know you will do well.

-Alex

 

[piebald]

your low dose will make it easier to quit. you wont go through PAWS..i suggest you try to get through it then ask for help if you cant. Dont let it get any worse...trust me

 

[persnickety_er]

don't beat yourself up for stealing that liquid Lortab or whatever else you did cause of your addiction. It is the past, and it is what it is. Focus on the present and future if you can. I know you will do well.

Thanks so much. I'm actually trying to just put that out of my mind... I can't change what I did but I can make sure I don't put myself in the position to repeat such heinous actions. I had trouble sleeping last night so my attitude is a little poor today compared to yesterday...but I keep taking deep breaths, and forcing a smile. It's Friday! One day at a time. I also spoke with my boyfriend last night about what I did, and that I'm kicking the habit. He's very supportive...and doesn't do any drugs, so he's a great person to be around. In fact, the friend I stole from was my connection to the pills...so maybe it's best to've burned that bridge.

Thanks to everyone for the replies, it really helps to hear from someone with experience. I know my dosage was very low...I'm thankful I didn't let it get any higher. While the anxiety I'm feeling from knowing I'll never have that high again keeps creeping into my mind, I'm able to quell it with the fact that my money problems due to spending so much on pills is going to be gone. Finances were my biggest stress, and without the constant need for a supply of pills I can live comfortably again.

I would love for others to post their stories here, I will probably continue to post on the thread for updates and when I'm at low points. Any support and/or encouragement is so appreciated.

Thank you all.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like you are going to be able to kick this and that you have good support for staying clean. In terms of taking them because they made you happy and made everything more bearable and enjoyable, that seems like something to continue to be aware of. When you are used to a substance making things easier or better, it can be a sneaky trigger. Watch out for that one. Congratulations on your decision and your resolve. I look forward to your updates.

 

[persnickety_er]

Having a really rough day today. My first Monday without the tabs. Friday and Saturday were pretty good, Sunday I was a little antsy, but I just tried to turn my head off (Dr. Who marathon with the boyfriend.) Today I have big time anxiety...really restless. Didn't get much sleep last night. The thing I'm missing most about the high is how it would energize and motivate me in the mornings/while at work. The days seem to drag on without...and I just feel uncomfortable.

I am easily happy around my boyfriend, but he lives an hour away and I usually only see him on the weekends...maybe once or twice I'll go down during the week, but without my wake up/pick me up pills in the morning...it's harder to make myself get up that much earlier for work. The fact that I don't have him to look forward to does nothing to quell the anxiety.

I'm definitely not going to use...but I'm not in a good place today. I just keep telling myself that it's just one day...6.5 hours until I'm off work then I can go home. It's so much easier at home...when I don't have to be responsible for anything but trying to get better and kick this. I work in customer service so I have to be on the entire time I'm at work...and Mondays are my meeting day with the boss (she drives me crazy...I would always pop a tab before the meaning...)

Deep breaths. I can do this. I kind of just want to go hide somewhere and cry today.

 

[persnickety_er]

Doing better today. I got a nauseous/sinking feeling this morning on the way to work...I really think the hardest thing about not having the pills is that they did such a great job at making me a morning person! Now I have to figure out how to wake up on my own...I'm not super effected by caffeine...

The blah feeling may also have to do with the facts that it is gross, grey and rainy here...and I absolutely hate the rain. It could put me in an off mood even with an opiate high. So, there's that. This week is my boyfriend's spring break so I've decided to let myself indulge in his time off (he is a 1L law student so the fact that I can hang out with him and it doesn't involve reading cases and typing outlines the whole time...is so nice) and I've been working 8a-4p (skipping lunch) rather than 8:30a-5p (w/ lunch) and getting to see him a few hours each night. I sleep better with him as well. The fact that I have someone/something to occupy my time in the evenings is also nice, because if I were spending the time at home alone, I feel that I would just dwell on the fact that I will never again have my precious pills. (I'm terrified of the inevitable injury/surgery that requires a pain medication... Don't even want to think about that right now.)

I'm 7 days sober today. One week! My physical withdrawals are all but gone. I just have to get my head right!

Cheers.

 

[persnickety_er]

...I actually felt genuinely happy this morning (on my way to work even!) First time I've felt that way without tabs in a year. Wowza, maybe I will actually kick this thing. Not feeling too proud of myself yet as I made it 2 weeks the last time and then "rewarded" myself with more tabs...that reward turned into an even longer-term addiction. I'm not allowing myself to do that this time, but hitting day 15 will be very exciting.

Sober for 10 days today.

 

[Alex000]

I knew you could kick it! You're over the acute wd's, and with such a low dose, I doubt there will any PAWS or anything like that.