College addict

[Nimrod4154]

Being addicted to drugs for 6 years sucks. From smoking pot occasionally to habitual ecstacy and cocaine use in 8th grade followed by an oxycontin addiction early in highschool, followed by a mixture of shooting heroin addiction and crack cocaine senior year. Its my first year in college. Its fucking hard trying to appear normal or happy at all. Everyone here is southern and happy and different. I have spent the last 3 or 4 weeks going on eight to twelve hour crack binges sometimes leading up to noon the next morning as well as a constant roxycodone habit. I live on the top floor in my dorm. Ill lock myself in the bathroom with the shower on and just smoke crack and stay away. Spent 3 months of senior year in rehab, so its not like I dont know what Ive gotten myself into or what resources are availible, im just a fuckup.

I hate living on the 7th floor. Sometimes I feel like the only true relief is jumping out that window.

 

[Nimrod4154]

I was given every chance in the world growing up. Went to private school my whole life. Dad made bank when I was around ten and we moved into a mansion. I was captain of lacrosse team. I drive a 50,000 dollar car and am in one of the top 25 universities in the nation.

Nothing will ever be good enough for me. Nothing.

 

[mymindisgoo]

why not go to another rehab? there's always hope

 

[Lolie]

why not go to another rehab? there's always hope

^^^

One of the good things about having money is that you get to pick and choose. Look into rehabs which use a therapeutic community model. It takes a long time to complete their full programme (anywhere between one and two years here) which means that by the time you exit you've had a lot of practice at replacing old behaviours with new ones.

 

[itsok]

i feel like the OP just older. im dropping out of school and work. i cant fathom how ppl live.

 

[kaossalami]

Sometimes it feels as if im not going anywhere eithere..in college..failing. but, another rehab would be an option...different area can be a choice too.

 

[chucky1432]

Life won't change for you much unless you make a decision to do something about it, and all those things that you have now, mere possessions could all disappear in the blink of an eye. Open your eyes and do something before it's too late.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Nothing will ever be good enough for me. Nothing.

i just realized this the other day and it is a HUGE revelation. all of us addicts have that in common-- nothing is ever enough. it's true when you're shooting heroin and always need/want more more more.

but

it's also true with everything else in life. recently i scored a job as a designer at a top fashion brand. everything i did this year was with that goal in mind. i used because sobriety was not "enough" for me. well it was a big surprise that my great job was certainly not enough either. so i thought i just maybe needed a boyfriend... but historically that has definitely NEVER been enough either.

the answer lies in somehow accepting that nothing will ever be enough. it's no accident that plenty of genius artists are also addicts. there is something admirable about the sort of tenacity that pushes someone to such hedonistic heights. people that must heighten reality and experience everything on an extreme level. but, that sort of life can never be sustained and it breaks down for everyone. you're young, but you started so early that you already know that nothing will ever be enough. that's awesome!

the only thing that helps for me is meditation and communion with other addicts. meditation especially because you learn how to live in the moment where you need nothing and realize that most craving is misplaced fear. one actually doesn't need much in life. just sitting still and not endlessly craving and worrying-- or rather, accepting that the craving is part of you, but you don't have to give into it, you realize that everything passes in life. especially cravings, dope sickness, etc.

i am no expert, but accepting that nothing will ever be enough will go a long way towards not relentlessly pursuing what will never be satisfying. the only advantage that comes with age is knowing that change is very possible, especially if you want it bad enough. good luck!

 

[Cyc]

If you're in a top university, you must be quite smart and dedicated. I don't know a single person who is in University who didn't study their ass off, and apply themselves in school. The cutoff for marks is between 80-90% average, and good universities do not tolerate private schools who artificially inflate grades.

So assuming all of this applies to you, you should feel proud to have made it to a top University. Surely behind all the drug use, there must be an academic spirit that has gotten you this far.

Harness that.

 

[RedRum OG]

im going through the same thing. not as intense, so i really feel you. just got off morphine and now im an alcoholic and college is NOT a fucking place to deal with drug problems. been opiate dependent since 9th grade.

 

[vortex30]

If you're in a top university, you must be quite smart and dedicated. I don't know a single person who is in University who didn't study their ass off, and apply themselves in school. The cutoff for marks is between 80-90% average, and good universities do not tolerate private schools who artificially inflate grades.

So assuming all of this applies to you, you should feel proud to have made it to a top University. Surely behind all the drug use, there must be an academic spirit that has gotten you this far.

Harness that.

Didn't you hear, his father is rich and prominent. In the US that is all that is necessary to get into a top university. But I'm not saying this is 100% the case and the OP isn't very intelligent of course! From reading his post he sounds quite bright, he may have really good marks and applies himself, he may not, in the United States, it's wealth, not ability necessarily, that gets you places.

OP, I'm in university and had to struggle with addiction the first two years also. It's messed up, really fucking hard when you bearly know anyone and you're on a comedown constantly, kinda hard to make friends and appear normal to people. And everyone seems to be so damn cool and above you or something first year. Huge change from high school where I knew where I fit in and who was who, etc. It gets better the longer you're there though, you get used to the new social order and even pick up some good skills in regards to displaying yourself to others.

 

[DuckSauce]

I would use your education and abilities to do academically productive things to help step away from the cycle, another rehab facility away from your current situation could help a lot aswell

in the United States, it's wealth, not ability necessarily, that gets you places.

and you think it is that much different in canada? wealth will get you many places no matter where you are simply based on the fact that you have wealth

 

[stanmarsh]

i just realized this the other day and it is a HUGE revelation. all of us addicts have that in common-- nothing is ever enough. it's true when you're shooting heroin and always need/want more more more.

but

it's also true with everything else in life. recently i scored a job as a designer at a top fashion brand. everything i did this year was with that goal in mind. i used because sobriety was not "enough" for me. well it was a big surprise that my great job was certainly not enough either. so i thought i just maybe needed a boyfriend... but historically that has definitely NEVER been enough either.

the answer lies in somehow accepting that nothing will ever be enough. it's no accident that plenty of genius artists are also addicts. there is something admirable about the sort of tenacity that pushes someone to such hedonistic heights. people that must heighten reality and experience everything on an extreme level. but, that sort of life can never be sustained and it breaks down for everyone. you're young, but you started so early that you already know that nothing will ever be enough. that's awesome!

the only thing that helps for me is meditation and communion with other addicts. meditation especially because you learn how to live in the moment where you need nothing and realize that most craving is misplaced fear. one actually doesn't need much in life. just sitting still and not endlessly craving and worrying-- or rather, accepting that the craving is part of you, but you don't have to give into it, you realize that everything passes in life. especially cravings, dope sickness, etc.

i am no expert, but accepting that nothing will ever be enough will go a long way towards not relentlessly pursuing what will never be satisfying. the only advantage that comes with age is knowing that change is very possible, especially if you want it bad enough. good luck!

thanks for this. It is a good response to the crap that's always in my head.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Being addicted to drugs for 6 years sucks. From smoking pot occasionally to habitual ecstacy and cocaine use in 8th grade followed by an oxycontin addiction early in highschool, followed by a mixture of shooting heroin addiction and crack cocaine senior year. Its my first year in college. Its fucking hard trying to appear normal or happy at all. Everyone here is southern and happy and different. I have spent the last 3 or 4 weeks going on eight to twelve hour crack binges sometimes leading up to noon the next morning as well as a constant roxycodone habit. I live on the top floor in my dorm. Ill lock myself in the bathroom with the shower on and just smoke crack and stay away. Spent 3 months of senior year in rehab, so its not like I dont know what Ive gotten myself into or what resources are availible, im just a fuckup.

I hate living on the 7th floor. Sometimes I feel like the only true relief is jumping out that window.

Why don't you give up using crack? That's probably why you feel so bad. I'm sure there are other, less addictive substances that won't make you feel as bad.

Have you considered trying to get help? A lot of doctors, and clinics are there for people addicted to opiates. You may still need to work on discontinuing using crack, but one thing at a time right?

 

[Cyc]

and you think it is that much different in canada? wealth will get you many places no matter where you are simply based on the fact that you have wealth

Not really where I was going with my post, but no, in Canada, wealth will not get you into University. While we don't have SATs, enrolment is strictly merit-based, and curriculum is highly regulated.

 

[Slapdragonx]

Not really where I was going with my post, but no, in Canada, wealth will not get you into University. While we don't have SATs, enrolment is strictly merit-based, and curriculum is highly regulated.

In BC, you have to do the English 12 prov. exam to graduate, then for University you need 3 more grade 12 prov. exams in order to get accepted. So really you need to apply yourself. Hell sometimes that isn't enough.

 

[rmx]

mind over matter

 

[Cyc]

Ok, I'm going to start a new thread in E&C about being able to "buy an education" and see where it goes. Anyone here feel free to join me.

I don't want to derail the OPs thread any further.

Edit: Thread is here

 

[swap]

I understand your situation, I currently avoid everyone I can when I'm at school, but at the same time I'm broke. It gets stressful and I might fail if I don't figure out how to change.