Scared Cocaine is affecting my marriage

[skipjames]

Ok guys,
I ve finally realised the obvious ; me and my wife have a serious issue with cocaine, and it s affecting our relationship and her mental health ( probably mine as well) and I really don t know where to start. We haven t jas sex in months she s always either high or sleeping while I m basically always high , we are not eating properly when and If we eat. Everyday we talk about taking a break, then one of us calls the guy and the other follows, as long as I was the only addict I had my strategies but I ve never been in a situation like this, one more addicted than the other and ' instigating' the other . We ve always been helping each other and managed to overcome some pretty serious shit, but now Im afraid that we are in it too deep and that any ' common strategy' will only end up with us starting bullshitting each other , something we ve never done and hopefully we ll never Will
Maybe I m being too dramatic after another sleepless night or maybe I m finally seeing things as they are. And they don t look good
Even reducing would be a start but how ?
Thanks for reading. Fucking a 10 years relationship over blow is really the ultimate waste

 

[Jabberwocky]

@skipjames - you are NOT being dramatic. This is a great post which shows how serious you want to be.

Cocaine. Yeah. My thoughts on that area sobriety has really no low points aside from boredom, which can be helped with hobbies. The upside, man not a rush of dopamine within minutes of your choosing, but definitely opportunity to have a clear head.

Man, a clear head can accomplish so many things. And experience so many strong positive emotions.

 

[skipjames]

Thing is, my hobby ( almost second job)is músic. Guess what s the doc of my bandmates is ?
I also write academic papers and non academic stuff. Guess what helps me out with writing after I vê spent a day giving classes? The thing with my wife is that she s almost always at home writing her dissertation or hanging with my mates we moved here in the middle of the pandemic and she didn t manage to have her own group of friends. So blow for me is an instrument while to her is an end in itself, to fill the void and the loneliness and all the dissertation related crap. So one day Ibe to meet a deadline, blow comes handy and she s around. Another day i go back home after a day at the Uni, and I can tell yhere s blow around, and the few lines I bum from her turn into me buying a couple of grams.and on and on it goes

 

[skipjames]

Seriously, I m ok with not doing blow in front of her or at home etc. But she has her ways to get the thing, and what should I do. Take her mobile and her cards as If she was my teenage daughter? Abusive and ridicolous and wrong at so many levels

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thing is, my hobby ( almost second job)is músic. Guess what s the doc of my bandmates is ?
I also write academic papers and non academic stuff. Guess what helps me out with writing after I vê spent a day giving classes? The thing with my wife is that she s almost always at home writing her dissertation or hanging with my mates we moved here in the middle of the pandemic and she didn t manage to have her own group of friends. So blow for me is an instrument while to her is an end in itself, to fill the void and the loneliness and all the dissertation related crap. So one day Ibe to meet a deadline, blow comes handy and she s around. Another day i go back home after a day at the Uni, and I can tell yhere s blow around, and the few lines I bum from her turn into me buying a couple of grams.and on and on it goes

To be honest it sounds like you are at least thinking this through, to the point of I wonder if there's a legal substance that could take it's place?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Seriously, I m ok with not doing blow in front of her or at home etc. But she has her ways to get the thing, and what should I do. Take her mobile and her cards as If she was my teenage daughter? Abusive and ridicolous and wrong at so many levels

That's tough but a line should be drawn in my opinion

 

[Jnowhere]

That's tough but a line should be drawn in my opinion

Skip, that is a real tough one. How do you manage someone else's addiction. Especially if she ain't ready quit. It is a lot cheaper down there. If she ain't ready to quit or seriously cut back, that could be a nightmare.
You are a couple, she is yours and you are hers. It ain't a parent type of relationship. Try talking to her to see if her use can be cut back. But women are sneaky and can figure out how to get what they want.
It is good you recognized this as a problem. The first thing to do is try to cut back and try to get her to also. Then substituting a little booze, if neither of you are prone to alcoholism and weed if you can get it cheap and not get into trouble with it. Other than that, you can really only have total control over yourself, but if you are hooked and it is cheap, that is going to take a lot of will power.
yeah if two addicts are married, that presents an awful problem as you stated in your first post.
All you can do is talk to her and you need to get off it, if you want any chance of getting her to quit. All women are different. However, if you are using, how can you expect her to quit while you get high.
You have to come up with a strategy to cut back, both of you, then somehow quit. Easier said than done.

 

[skipjames]

Our family dealer is her only contact, she s a good costumer but I m a better one, and the guy kinda loves me, setting aside the millions he makes with us we never gave him any trouble. Hence I was thinking of asking whether he could kindly stop selling her anything, then of course I ll buy the thing instead and sell it to my buddies or use it far away from her. Worth a shot, I ll deal with my shit as I ve already done millio0ns of times, I m both blessed and cursed, I can binge coke all night and give a good philosophy class in the afternoon, but I am an exception not the rule ( at least as of today). I m just sorry that my lifestyle played a part in all this , at least she didn t liked opioids.....

legal substance that could take it's place

in her case, she gets her Ritalin and I just have to make a couple of calls and she ll get all the Adderall that she wants. As for me, coke is the only stim that works for me, but I can easily go back to my good old oxys. Or kratom. Or whatever. I honestly don t have (yet) a reason to stop using altogether but her situation, with blow I work and play music and write and do shit, I could definitely use a break- go back to use blow as a week end thing, but coke has to disappear from this household, there s nothing worse than seeing a person u love having a psychosis and knowing that it s also your fault

 

[skipjames]

if neither of you are prone to alcoholism and weed

on her father side they are all a bit alcoholic that s more for social stuff like being black and poor ( her father is my hero, he was born in one of the shittiest favelas of São Paulo and managed to become an high school teacher, he drinks a lil bit too much at times but is not violent or anything). On her mother side they are rich but very open minded , only my mother in law ( I don t like this word, suocera is better, she s no mother of mine) is the reason behind the 90% of my missus troubles. But man, when we were drinking the sex was wowowowwowow!
Weed is like poison for me, really man I can handle sleep deprivation, the amount of coke that will probabky kill many Bluelighters, oxys are my bread and butter...but give me weed, or any alcoholic substance but rum, and I am a dead man.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Stimulants have a hell of a way of quickly ruining one's quality of life, when abused. Coke is also hard on the heart.

Must be burning a hole in your pocket, as well. Possibly the most single expensive recreational drug. Not to sound facetious, but could you cut down and use that money to pay for a therapist? I don't think using another drug as substitute will work. Substitute addiction is very real. On the other hand, do you think you/your wife has a mental illness that you/her might be self-medicating for? In that case, you'd get better treatment for a small fraction of what coke is costing you.

I know it's much harder to quit when one's lover is also using, but maybe you could both resolve to quit, and thus make it easier as a team effort that way. In the end though you can change your own habits, but your wife has her own autonomy, too. I really do think that getting some professional help is the way to go. Even reach out to family and friends to support you in this difficult time. As much support as you can get, and things will be much easier for you.

 

[skipjames]

Must be burning a hole in your pocket, as well. Possibly the most single expensive recreational drug.

Not if you live in South America, Brazil in my case. It s definitely not for free, but way cheaper and better than the one sold in Europe or North America. In Europe ( Italy and UK ) my DOC was Heroin, that s why I ve underestimated this beast here , like "Hey, I ve managed being a functional H user for years, blow is nothing in comparison ....." WRONG.

On the other hand, do you think you/your wife has a mental illness that you/her might be self-medicating for? In that case, you'd get better treatment for a small fraction of what coke is costing you.

My wife has been to psychologists and psychiatrists since she was a teenager and she still is, which, methinks, is one of her main issues. Your daughter is shy, i going thru the normal insecurities of adolescence and is sad because of the rrecent divorce of her parents? Send her to a shrink and put her on any kind of shit, that s good parenting according to my beloved mother in law.

When we first met she was 20 and the amount of shite they were giving her was absurd! She got rid of many of them pills (maybe because she needed someone to talk to and that loved her, the most beautiful thing she ever said to me it was that with me she could finally feel free to be herself) but she still has a lot of insecurities and she s slightly depressed. Then we moved to another city , we were just starting making friends than Covid , then I ve started playing music again and basically all the people we ve met were either using blwo or selling it , and here we are.

My wife definitely needs some amps to function ( her current psychiatrist, less shitty that the others, has put her on Ritalin, which has helped her for a while until it did not. It s just that she has easy access to the wrong one plus.... if since you were a teen you ve been told that u have mental issues and your mother is guilt tripping since u were born, it s hard to love yourself enough to at least moderate your use of drugs.

I ve started using hard drugs at 23, now I m 41 and I ve been functional enough, got my PhD, academic jobs etc because despite my vices I m content with myself, she s not, hence she s taking a self destructive route which is worrying me.
She needs to make new and not drug using friends, get a job that will make her financially independent from that bitch of a mother, I hope that on May she ll pass a selection for a job that she likes , that will finally give her some self confidence....

As for me, I might try some cognitive therapy at some point but after the great job they ve done with my wife, I m not that fond of psychiatrists.....

 

[moonyham]

This is quite the problem. As others said, it would be hard to give her the hard word on quitting without doing so yourself or atleast not using around her and keeping quiet about when you do use.

Personally I would approach it like this. You say she only has the one dealer who you are tighter with. That's good. You *could* try ask him to cut her off but I'd personally go into her phone and alter his phone number in her contacts.. Change a single number. 'he's not replying' because the dealer can't even know he is being messaged is a more secure way to cut her off that doesn't rely on the wim of a coke dealer to keep your plan going smoothly.

I'd adjust the dealers number in your phone too(keep a real copy somewhere she won't find if you really need to keep him) just incase she thinks that might be the issue, or gets you/texts with your phone. That way you both 'aren't getting a reply'. In fact I'd say, do it on your phone first so you can check to make sure this doesn't cause some kind of obvious error(like the old texts showing the old phone number, I don't know if that is a thing yet).

That's where you turn to her and say.. Maybe this is what we need. Our habits have gotten out of control. At the very least we need a break so we don't go crazy. Let's take this as an opportunity to chill for a bit. Keywords, we, our, we, let's. This isn't a her problem, even if it is. You guys are partners. It's both your problem. And creating a 'hey, I can handle my shit but you are losing your mind and clearly can't' dynamic won't be conducive to getting her clean even if it's the truth.

I don't like to suggest deception like this. But between a rock and a hard place, you gotta do what might give you a chance. As tempting as it is to say 'sit down and talk to her about your concerns, being open and honest, communication is key', I suspect it's gone beyond that from what you've said and that road has already been explored.. People this deep into an addiction often lose any ability to think clearly or make good decisions. Those choices need to be forced upon them to make the change and atleast see through the fog long enough to realize the problem they have.

I wish you luck man. Not a easy situation at all.

 

[garygroundwork]

Ok guys,
I ve finally realised the obvious ; me and my wife have a serious issue with cocaine, and it s affecting our relationship and her mental health ( probably mine as well) and I really don t know where to start. We haven t jas sex in months she s always either high or sleeping while I m basically always high , we are not eating properly when and If we eat. Everyday we talk about taking a break, then one of us calls the guy and the other follows, as long as I was the only addict I had my strategies but I ve never been in a situation like this, one more addicted than the other and ' instigating' the other . We ve always been helping each other and managed to overcome some pretty serious shit, but now Im afraid that we are in it too deep and that any ' common strategy' will only end up with us starting bullshitting each other , something we ve never done and hopefully we ll never Will
Maybe I m being too dramatic after another sleepless night or maybe I m finally seeing things as they are. And they don t look good
Even reducing would be a start but how ?
Thanks for reading. Fucking a 10 years relationship over blow is really the ultimate waste

been same situation

trying to quit then the other does it and so u say fuck it and do it and everything is better on cocaine etc

tough spot man

 

[skipjames]

Thanks a lot @moonyham & @garygroundwork and more generally to all the guys who have offered their insights, much appreciated folks.
Anyway I m increasingly convinced that one has to realize the error of his-her ways, there s no subterfuge that can help, and after weeks of discussions and a couple of psychotic episodes, it sees that my lady has realised that the situation needs to be addressed ASAP.

I m happy to report that the missus has finally stop bullshitting her shrink so she has been finally prescribed the right amount of Ritalin for someone with her tolerance and her daily use. So she has not used yesterday and today.

Actually she had just a tiny line today because me and my mates were rehearsing at my place and obviously one of them had blow, she was not supposed to stay at home but then ...anyway she has shown great self control, she did just a tiny line and that was it. Now all my mates know that my house is a coke free space and that rehearsing here is a no no , as blow is an integral part of our creative process.

So it seems that she s really committed this time, obviously now she s feeling like shit, either sleeping or moaning, but I m sure that in at most a week she ll be better, with Ritalin she can function , setting this home invasion aside blow and blow users are not allowed in the household anymore ( bit of a bummer because as you can imagine our apt was a a favourite spot for the local coke heads) , I m not using at home (also, my stash of oxys and morphine is over, it s gonna be an amazing week, at least I ve kratom + loperamide + the odd benzo, wish me luck). Let s see....

 

[mawaik]

Had to be a paulista, fucking Nice post dude. If we catch one day i would hugh you so bad. Im not in the position of giving any advice since i see myself as her on the relationship. I see Cutting as necessary as i think it for myself but you cannot do it in a way it could cause more suffering. An addict needs the coke to have his security psychology zone, lets say, more protected.

Its contraditory, you are a philosopher you know what i mean. But thats the way it is. So how to do it? Maybe reducing a little and getting hobbies, like music or talking deep about stuff of any sort WITH commitment (like reading and debating a book or a movie togheter), together can get you to levels you dont necessarily see the point of using. Trying to show her its not a common ordinary thing but a thing which make another things get better. Its tricky but you have to set your mind to make it even more joy not less in a way the coke itself turns into fun, not dependace.

 

[skipjames]

Had to be a paulista, fucking Nice post dude. If we catch one day i would hugh you so bad. Im not in the position of giving any advice since i see myself as her on the relationship. I see Cutting as necessary as i think it for myself but you cannot do it in a way it could cause more suffering. An addict needs the coke to have his security psychology zone, lets say, more protected.

Its contraditory, you are a philosopher you know what i mean. But thats the way it is. So how to do it? Maybe reducing a little and getting hobbies, like music or talking deep about stuff of any sort WITH commitment (like reading and debating a book or a movie togheter), together can get you to levels you dont necessarily see the point of using. Trying to show her its not a common ordinary thing but a thing which make another things get better. Its tricky but you have to set your mind to make it even more joy not less in a way the coke itself turns into fun, not dependace.

Obrigado mano ( ou mana? ) and sorry for my late reply, we live in RS and as you ve might heard we are dealing with some hardcore environmental shit atm...good thing is we have been coke free for almost 3 weeks, we ve had only a mini one day relapse ( actually my fault, I have to finish a BOOK in 40 days and I really needed some inspiration ) but we re back in control, she s doing well with her Ritalin and has realised that blow is like poison to her , has cancelled all the numbers of our various dealers, now it s on me, I could really use that hug
Anyway ela é paulista , eu sou italiano
Grande abraço

 

[skipjames]

Man, a clear head can accomplish so many things. And experience so many strong positive emotions.

I really hope so man, as of today I m not writing, I m not playing music, I m reading just...comics, hence my mini relapse.... We are doing better on "the strong positive emotions" score, coke is really overrated as a sex friendly drug, especially if you do 4- 5 grams per day !