I'm literally being a wimp.
Laying in bed crying, don't know what to do with myself. I'm feeling super sick. Hella sick. Anxiety through the roof.
I was Skyping a friend yesterday. She consumed 17 800mg tablets of ibuprofen. She threw up 13 while we were talking.
I warned her not to exceed maximum doses of APAP or NSAIDS.
Though, it was still 3200 mg in one dose. She has an array of health problems...
_____
I feel so helpless, you know? Maybe it's just the lack of medication talking. I don't feel like I can really save anyone. Like everything I touch either doesn't change or grows legs and runs away.
Some weird things with my head have been going on. Like really weird.
I walked into the lunchroom at my HS. Nobody was sitting at my table, but as I touched my seat and blinked, everyone zapped into existence. I was so freaked out I walked to the bathroom and cried.
My head space has also been strange. I've been talking with a girl for a while now, trying to figure her out and all. Everytime I saw her, I saw a library. It's hard to describe.
And sometimes life looks like this until I "snap" out of it.
Like I'm staring into a room with too much light and tunnel vision.
_____
I don't know. It almost seems borderline psychotic.
I blame anxiety. I'm as sharp as ever (except for Math, god I'm terrible).
I have been drug free for almost two weeks. Even then, it's only opiates and a benzo or two (I'm scared of benzo addiction, so I hardly fuck withem)
____
Can you guys give me inspiration to do something? Past times, anecdotes?
Is life after 18 as scary as they say?
I need a good, strong, non devastating dose of reality. Not any of the fake ass hormonal shit that goes on in my teenage life.
Also paranoia! Oh my god the paranoia. And the mood swings.
_____
I apologize if this post seems clumsy. Perhaps all I want is comfort from someone. I just feel so stupidly weird. Man it fucks you up.
Who else?
Nixiam - I am sorry I didn't respond sooner. I'm sorry you're going through this but it's very understandable. You're standing at the precipice of the rest of your life - in short order you will be an adult and the decisions you make now will influence the course of your life. Very very stressful times. To be honest, I am a little surprised to read your post as you seem wise beyond your years, but I understand it's much easier to rationally analyze somebody else's situation and not nearly as easy to examine our own.
Personally, I think adolescence was more difficult than being an adult from an emotional stand point. Your life will soon change, but you will have more control. If you create a solid platform for yourself now, you will minimize the amount and kinda of stress you deal with later. You're an intelligent person with some unique experiences that give you a rare insight, use that to your advantage. My biggest advice to you is figure out what kind of life you want and plan how to achieve it. Get a career you are passionate about. In many ways, you have to follow your heart and dreams, and don't settle unless you absolutely have to, and make sure it stays a temporary situation. Don't compromise who you are, meaning don't do stuff you disagree with to be accepted by peers or a lover. Don't pretend you're somebody you aren't - that gets messy quickly and you end up losing yourself.
I think learning some coping mechanisms for stress and anxiety would be helpful. There are breathing techniques that can almost immediately bring your anxiety levels down. Mindfulness and self talk are also very beneficial. Meditation helps as does a healthy diet, exercise, and plenty of sleep. Music can be very therapeutic as can positive movies and literature. I have an old novel I fell in love with years ago - I must have read that book 100's of times. When I'm super stressed I will read my favorite parts before bed, and immerse myself in the story. Sometimes I listen to music, or just go out back and knock the hell out of some balls with my driver.
Another thing that really helps to control stress is to acknowledge and consider the stress. Can you fix it right now, if not, plan and do what you can and keep working on it whenever you can and put it or of your mind when there is nothing you can do to change it. If you have zero control over a stressor teach yourself not to think about it. It takes time to learn how to do this so start slow. If you find yourself worrying, set a timer and let yourself ponder it for ten minutes...no more, no less. After the timer goes off do something that will change your thoughts - early on I found music helpful. Over time decrease the amount of time you let yourself consider it. It sounds silly but it works.
What are your plans for after high school?
