Blog Chronic Relapser

[Mafioso]

33. Started smoking when I was 19, didn't really get into anything else other than the occasional mdma or acid//shroom trip. Somewhere in my early 20's I Finally fave into the curiosity about what all these pills are about. They were whatever.. kinda fun but most just experimenting on the occasion until about a year after that. Looking back, it's like it overtook me in the night and the next morning everything was changed. But of course life doesn't happen that way, and the reality was that I was chasing the allure of it just as much as the hedonistic aspects of drugs like opioids and benzos. By my mid 20's my entire life was about drugs and if you didn't sell them or use them, we probably didn't have much in common.
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I've always been an anxious person and have trouble self-soothing/relazing without a substance. So when I tried xans for the first time it was like a wonder drug. Suddenly all the things I was holding myself back frrom doing out of fear, I could do with ease. This period didn't last long as the negatives soon outweighed any positives, like not being able to remember a name or face or carry on a conversation that is remotely coherent. Also led me to doing shady things unintentionally, like saying something then forgetting I even said that, then doing something else. That, along with repeating myself, forgetting mid sentence, and just generally incapable of relating to another human through anything besides drugs. My stubborn personality combined with a low self-esteem meant I was not going to change my trajectory any time soon despite wrecking cars, destroying pretty much every relationship., going to jail, rehab, counseling. For a couple years I was doing pretty good, staying sober and taking care of my health.

But old habits die hard, and here I am again. decided to make a different post of my hopeful progress of recovering from xans... again... it's almost like those things make me so dumb I forget how dumb they make me......well, anyways, enough groveling about poor old me. I really have to make some serious changes and soon.. even with the drugs I still struggle to sleep and stifle my anxieties. At least I wouldn't consider myself suicidal now, so that's a plus... probably the only one. Now it's like the reality of my 20's has all hit me at once. All the stupid mistakes and missed opportunities... all the things that led me to where I am today. I think the worst part of addictinon is knowing this and yet still reaching for the substance for comfort.

I guess from a bigger perspective, I have realized the reason that I keep making this same mistake- it's the pattern of my behaviors. I'm an introvert and admittedly am probably not the most exciting to be around, I have to really struggle these days to even engage socially and feel so inept from years of isolating myself beyond mandatory social interactions, which I kept very brief unless intoxicated. Anyways, drove away all my friends one by one and 2 by 2 depending on the week/month. Hid from my family because I knew they could tell, and have only gotten worse about that lwith the last relapse. I just love to hide in my work because it's the only thing that really brings me social attention and something I like being competitive at partly to fill a void that can't be filled and sometimes I just am driven to succeed for no other reason than bettering my life and families if possible. But my personality is shit. I've all but forgotten how to have a normal conversation that isn't business related. I struggle with trust beauase in businesss everyone is after the same thing, and suprisngly large amounto of people have no scrupuls about how they get it.

Irs now become a cycle of get healthy and in shape, study and grow my knowledge, get a job, get frustrated/burnt out with the job because it becomes my life, quit job and fall into depression driving friends and family further away. Rinse and repeat. Up until my 30's I told myself "it's this damn job, if I could just get a better one or make more money, then I'd be happpy and not so frustrated". When in reality, what was crushing me was losing friends that I highly respected because of the path I chose. family rightfully treated me different, and I made all my problems worse. Now I'm alone, have deep seated trust issues to the point that if someone shows positive feelings towards me I assume either this person is trying to scam me or is too dumb to see my flaws. All this compounds my depression and drives me to be inactive, making things even worse. Got to force myself to at least be physically active and mentally active to some degree... still struggling with healthy social interactions as it seems every room I walk into I can create so much tention without saying a word. Conversations stop, heads go down, and I usually just walk out without saying a word.. because what do I have to say other than i'm fucked right now but slowly getting better.. hopefully... usually... at least for perioids of time....


TLDR: Crying in my beer(even tho I don't drink), unable to see or appreciate the opportunities in life because I"m too depressed and hopeless and neative, makes for a great social repellant. Drove away most my friends with megalomaniac drug fueled fantasies I was trying to live out. Lost pretty much all credibility, struggle to know if I have even 1 real friend- although I'm to blame, I'm sure if I didn't do this to myself I wouldn't be driving off everyone that cares. I'm just not sure how I'm going to make friends again, as all I do is work or introverted hobbies... I know I need to get out but unlesss drugged up, my social anxiety has a good way of making an ass of myself and driving everyone away. I wasn't always like this, there was a point where I was charming and had no problem making friends. I know I need to be hopeful, but it's difficult when my first automatic thought of the day is usually "I wish I could just sleep through it and if I can't I'll just numb myself out"....rinse and repeat. Maybe this time I can just use to overcome the initial fear of meeting new people but never ends up being just that.

Guess I just need to sober up and face my fears as that's the only way I will get better at it and overtime becmoe less scary...not looking forward to the withdrawal of waking up in panic, usually naseauos and/or diarhea, paranoid thoughts, lack of motivation, lethargy paired with insomnia.... any advice in dealing with this is much appreciated. Not in a good place rn, but better than a few weeks ago.

 

[deficiT]

Is there any chance you can go to some kind of detox or treatment? Drugs are clearly making your life difficult to live, you might need to make peace with the fact that you can no longer use and still have a happy life. It sucks, but that's a conclusion I've had to draw with myself.

Maybe that's not your case, but it might be something to think about.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey Mafioso I am sorry that you are in that dark place. I can relate cause my whole life I am battling one substance after the other. Problem obviously not in the substances but in my engraved ways of dealing with pain and anxiety. That was all made worse by actual physical problems with back and chronic pain I developed almost 10 years ago. I am distanced from friends, have no real hobby or a job. My family (wife and son) is the only thing giving me joy and strength to push on through.

But enough about me. What about you? Do you have something you are passionate about? Anything in the near future to get excited about? What are the substances you are having the biggest issues? Hope Im not too pushy and that we can all work something out together. We deserve better. We have been through many tough situations and endured. We can do it!

 

[Mafioso]

Is there any chance you can go to some kind of detox or treatment?

Common question and I’d be defined as treatment resistant. I’ve been to detox, in patient, and out patient, and would be willing to do outpatient under the right conditions, but having seen it from the inside(huge insurance grab) I’m not that interested in that route, aside from hiring a counselor potentially. My problem is stepping beyond the whole detox/rehab/hand holding and into the real world problems without drugs. Part of the problem is I’m only satisfied with an intense work environment.. makes me wonder sometimes if this is just part of the modern circle of life. Some of the older guys I’ve spoken to said basically to just accept it and get on prescription meds of the same kind…

What about you? Do you have something you are passionate about? Anything in the near future to get excited about? What are the substances you are having the biggest issues?

As mentioned above, my biggest issue is a work life balance. I have no shortage of interest nor opportunity for work, and never really find myself struggling in that end until the excitement dies down from the job and the mundanity sets in because I generally lack a social circle outside of work. Also, I tend to expend all my energy on work so my little free time is spent in leisure, which I don’t really ever intentionally set aside time for because vacationing alone sounds worse than working.

 

[Mafioso]

having trouble sticking with the taper. The realization of where my decisions have led me in life is difficult to bear, so I want to check out. Irony being that the ways that i check out(weed and benzos) have caused me to circle around the same problem, lamenting the pain of my situation but unable to do much about it because of the intoxication. I go back and forth between "ok, this is it, it's time to put the bs behind and get serious" which last until things get difficult basically, then i relapse to "fuck it I'm better of being a functional addict". In some ways, I have to do the second while tapering in order to reach the first goal... taking time off doesn't do me good mentally as I isolate and fall into depression.

It's like if only i could make a solid group of friends who actually cared about each other beyond the superficial. I think I'm battling my internal desires to have grandiose success, free from being told what to do by a boss and the depressing reality of settling for a "normal job". Deep down I wishi I could be content with an easy meaningless job that so I could focus on building friends and pursuing passions, but at the same time this seems childish to me. I know a balance must be met between chasing the dollar and chasing enjoyment, but it's very difficult for me to feel financially secure despite my circumstances. Aside from the what if's, I guess I largely fear becoming useless and only able to hold normal jobs... whichs osunds extremely pretentious as I write this... probably because it is... idk i'm rambling again tie fore bed.

 

[dragonix]

I can relate. Just watched a mob episode on Koncrete last night I was glued to the screen interesting handle.

 

[TimTim1993]

I've struggled all through my teenage years and all through my 20s with addiction and chronic relapses, when I was a teenager pills was my thing but once I hit 21 I started smoking crack and doing heroin and I have been smoking crack and doing heroin on and off for 8 years now and I have had so much misery from it, like you i lost jobs, relationships, I did 3 8 month stints in jail, faced state prison time, ended up homeless, my family doesn't speak to me anymore. I overdosed, went through several detox, rehab, and residential facilities. I had two years sober at one point but I relapsed after my dad died and my life has been very chaotic. So I know what you are going through

 

[washingtonbound]

The way you describe your struggle resonates with me a lot as I’m in a similar situation. Spent just about all of my twenties pursuing drugs to provide relief from obsessional thought patterns, as well as some intellectual curiosity. This led me to several stays in inpatient psych units because my brain couldn’t handle it and yet I would repeat the same cycle over and over and over. All the while I knew I was destroying myself but it was the only thing I knew for relief and to get outside myself. You’re right that old patterns are a huge bitch to kick and that’s why things can go south after years clean.

Personally I’ve been trying to look at it like every relapse or perceived failure is an opportunity to reinvent yourself entirely. That goes beyond doing things like staying healthy and in shape, I mean revamping your thought process entirely. Easier said than done but it’s gotten easier for me to look at relapses as opportunities to start again rather than thinking “oh shit I’m such a fuck up,” the kind of negative self talk that reinforces the nasty cycle.