Mental Health Chronic depression, anxiety, nervousness, lethargy, chronic thoughts of suicide

[Soul Garden]

Since 5th grade, my mental health has been slowly deteriorating. I'm diagnosed ADD and I'm 100% positively sure I am suffering from either C-PTSD or Bipolar Type I. Or a disorder with symptoms from both... Around 5th grade, I lost my social skills. I stayed quiet and everyone thought I was a weird ass. The other kids thought I was poor and constantly made fun of me for it. In sixth grade, I started to wonder whether or not something might be wrong with me. I stayed quiet and couldn't socialize because of the fear of rejection. I had different likes and interests. I was the different kid in a D grade school known for fights, bullying, guns, stabbings, etc... This was a ghetto place and I hated being there. The school was poor and looked like a factory from the outside. The kids constantly fucked with me, especially in Gym, when the teachers didn't see anything. I was kinda physically abused by my peers and don't want to go into detail.

When I got home, my mom was always screaming and throwing shit around. She was popping Xanax, Roxies, and Adderall. My house had stains everywhere, crayon and pencil on the walls from my smaller siblings, ashes all over the floor, pot paraphernilia, there was dust in corners and around the area, etc... I was in constant stress and depression everyday. My dad would get home around 5:30P.M. Because of my mom, he was always in a pissy mood and would take it out on us. Not physically though, thank fucking god...

Around 7th grade, things were still horrible. I was beat and robbed by some of the MUCH bigger and stronger students just because I was wearing a spiked wristband.(I listened to a lot of Slayer and Maiden at the time) I was made fun of on a daily basis, once again... Didn't get to socialize, once again. Same as sixth grade. Eighth grade was a little bit better. I wasn't hit at all that year, but still was verbally/emotionally abused. Around this time, I found a radio station called Classic Rock 104.5. I got very heavily into classic rock music and decided that's what my career was gonna be. Throughout the 2 grades before eighth, I always worried about my career. I didn't care for academics. I didn't need a fucking piece of paper with the word "DIPLOMA" and my name on it to prove my worth. Anyways, I still want to achieve that career, and I'm 18, which is a perfect age to start.

At the end of 8th grade, I finally moved and transitioned to another school. Still, the same treatment. I was depressed everyday, I self-harmed, I got to the point of where I hated my peers. Literally HATED them and wanted nothing but bad fortune for them... I felt very cynical towards my peers and still refuse to associate with them. We share nothing in common. Absolutely NOTHING. 9th grade-11th grade was still the same. I had no friends all those years and was, again, harassed by my peers...

For 12th grade, which I'm about to be in, I'm doing online classes at home. I have no ride to see a few decent friends I have, I'm stuck at home all day, my dad leaves early and gets home at 6:30. He expects that I keep the house spotless, cook dinner, etc... And this has to be done PERFECT. He literally says PERFECT. If not done that way, I get yelled at and told I'm a half-asser, that I've done a half-assed job, sometimes being told I'm lazy and useless. I keep the house clean and cook dinner. I do self-assigned work like my online classes, music, watering my garden, yard work, etc... I'm closed off from any social situations and when I am in a social situation, I stay silent for hours. I don't know what to say, I can't make people laugh, I can't make friends that actually like me. The friends I do have usually hangout with me as "Last Resort...

Now, I'm questioning my career. How in the fuck can I become successful when Rock Music is fucking dead? How in the fuck am I going to get a record out there when electro-pop and that fake country bullshit is topping the charts? I don't want to live a normal life, in a normal home, with a normal wife and normal kids, working a normal job... That's depressing. At that point, your life is like an mp3 player on repeat. It repeats the same song until it runs out of battery and dies, like how people repeat waking up, going to their job, coming home until they die. I walk back and forth thinking. My thoughts race violently. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I eat a few bites once or twice a day. I'm losing weight, I can't think straight, it's getting hard for me to complete sentences, I feel no motivation, my motor skills are becoming clumsy... I think about suicide constantly and have a clip loaded with a .45 caliber bullet just in case I make a decision. The only reason why I haven't done that yet is because I don't know what happens if I die.

What if hell is real? It goes back to my repeat theory. I'd be repeating the same hell over and over and over for eternity. What if reincarnation is real? I'd be reborn worse off than I already am. sometimes a short-lasting, but strong burst of energy and euphoria out of nowhere, which I believe is a manic episode. Then I go back to a depressive episode that lasts weeks to months. I'm literally being driven into psychosis. My mind does not have the ability to think positive thoughts. Everything is turned into negativity.

I can't live like this. It gets worse every year. MUCH worse. I don't want to be put on Lithium or all that bullshit. I'm already on 300mg Wellbutrin XL, which kinda works, but not really... There's a hell of a lot more details I could put in, but I'd rather not. There's too many details. Those details embarass the hell out of me though and drive me further into insanity. Nothing helps. NOTHING. I need advice, what the fuck can I do?

 

[stardust.hero]

It sounds like things have been pretty hard for you from a very young age. I am wondering, since you were put on adderall as a child, how long were you on it and are you currently still taking it? You speak of lethargy, lack of motivation and energy--all of these could be due to long term adderall usage combined with an abrupt stop, or even stopping it at all. Adderall not only helps you foccus it can be used to help you be more motivated and self driven. I am honestly wondering if this could be part of the problem.

As for your suicidal thoughts, I can identify and understand thinking about it, even as often as you speak. First thing to do is to unload the gun. Life is worth living, you wouldn't have typed up all of that and asked for help if you wanted to end it. So don't allow yourself the ease of just picking something up split second. Atleast if that moment ever comes if it is unloaded you have those few seconds as you load the gun to really asses your mindset, and if you're going to go through with it that day. Your mind is imbalanced somewhere, it's not something that can't be fixed. Life is worth living. You explained your goals and what you want. Don't cut yourself short. You have a dream and the capability to make it all happen.

As for your thoughts on "rock" music being dead.. Just because the radio doesn't play a song doesn't mean it has no meaning or people have no interest in listening to it. A few years ago one of my favorite bands (an indie rock band), never played on the radio won a Grammy Award for Album of the Year. I recall people talking about them on the radio days later and they even called the band the albums name and the albums name Arcade Fire. So fuck the radio, it means nothing. In addition the music you create may be something completely different and new, just because rock from years past is old does not mean your dream and your passion for your sound and your music is old and gone forever.

I'm really happy you reached out to us today . Things will get better. You have an entire life ahead of you and a very smart ambitious brain on your shoulders. Hell, you even know your true passion (I didn't even know that when I was 18 ). Don't let the mainstream world dictate what you can do in life or how you can go about succeeding in happiness.

 

[Soul Garden]

Actually, I never was prescribed Adderall. Was to young to get narcotics. I would GLADLY take a prescription amphetamines like VyVanse though. Only because the few times I have taken VyVanse, I could socialize, get things done, focus thoughts on positive things, etc... Lack of appetite is a problem though. And I already suffer from it. I truthfully have not eaten anything but a handful of pizza rolls in two days. I can definitely take down fluids and liquids, but no solids. Back to prescriptions. I once was getting 200mg of Zoloft a day, and I all of a sudden stopped it once I realized all it did was turn me into a flat, emotionless, zombie. Also, that shit completely ruined, what was going to be my first acid trip for creative thought and such, because it blocked out every effect. That was the only tab I've had in my life and I really looked forward to it for it's anti-anxiety and anti-depressant properties. Now, I've done some research and have found out that psilocybin mushrooms are great anti-depressants with great anti-anxiety effects in therapeutical doses. My Wellbutrin helped a little at first, but now all it does is make me hallucinate some pretty dark things in the night time when I try to go to sleep. Pills don't seem to do shit, except for throw chemicals in your brain off balance. Anyways, I REALLY appreciate the support stardust.hero. I really do. And today, I just so happened to wake up in a decent mood and I really hope it can stay that way.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Don't self medicate with hallucinogens. They cause more problems than they fix. And they are especially not a good idea of you get hallucinations from an NDRI such as Wellbutrin.

Throw away the gun and see a doctor ASAP.

 

[stardust.hero]

The best thing that happened to me while I was in crisis and self medicating was seeing a psychiatrist. It helped me get on the right medication for what I needed, and off the medication that wasn't helping. I would highly suggest seeing a psychiatrist. Perhaps you do need something to address the issues you mentioned above--the lethargy, lack of motivation, loss of appetite, etc. Please consider seeing someone.

I am really happy you woke up in a good mood. Maybe try writing a song and get your emotions out in the form of music. .

 

[Flickering]

Now, I'm questioning my career. How in the fuck can I become successful when Rock Music is fucking dead? How in the fuck am I going to get a record out there when electro-pop and that fake country bullshit is topping the charts? I don't want to live a normal life, in a normal home, with a normal wife and normal kids, working a normal job... That's depressing. At that point, your life is like an mp3 player on repeat. It repeats the same song until it runs out of battery and dies, like how people repeat waking up, going to their job, coming home until they die. I walk back and forth thinking. My thoughts race violently. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I eat a few bites once or twice a day. I'm losing weight, I can't think straight, it's getting hard for me to complete sentences, I feel no motivation, my motor skills are becoming clumsy... I think about suicide constantly and have a clip loaded with a .45 caliber bullet just in case I make a decision. The only reason why I haven't done that yet is because I don't know what happens if I die.

When it comes to suicide, and I mean really really wanting to do it, which is something I can relate to even though I haven't had things as bad as you... you reach a point of realising that if you're going to die, right here right now, what's to stop you doing whatever the hell you want?

Some of the happiest people on Earth are the ones who've been through much the same kind of crisis you're going through... and then they've had an epiphany. They don't have to confine themselves to the kind of life everyone else is living. There is an opportunity to change things up. What do YOU want to do?

Clearly you want to be a musician - are you doing this for the success? The genre certainly has gone underground, but even in its hey-day, it was like anything else - your chances of really getting anywhere with it were slim, and we tend to only notice the 0.01% that 'make it', like Pink Floyd or The Beatles. The rest simply do it because it's what they love, it's who they are. AND, the people who DO listen to it are going to be the ones who TRULY appreciate it. In the end this is far more fulfilling anyway than breaking in to the industry, which by all accounts tends to be a harrowing, negative experience in its own way. So it shouldn't be disheartening, it should just be that you need to change your model of how the thing works.

This planet sucks, and life can be hell. Not gonna sugarcoat those things like most people do. If you're worried what's going to happen if you shoot yourself in the face... it's just more of the same. It's all just existence. You'll see what I mean when you actually do die. The best thing you can do about it is not kill yourself, but apply your massive creative potential to making things the best they can possibly be within your power. This is extremely hard to figure out. It may get worse before it gets better. You may feel you don't have the energy. Stick with it anyway. You would not be posting this thread if some part of you didn't want to make it through. You would've already ended it.

Which is not to say I'm not worried you'll do it, or that I'll do it, when a low enough mood takes you / me. Having a gun on hand is a very bad idea. You can start by getting rid of it. But in my case, I don't have the slightest fear of death. For you, it may help to ask: what's scarier, blowing your brain all over the carpet and walls, or taking advantage of your new adult powers and setting out into the world? You're in a shitty situation surrounded by so many assholes, but the entire of mankind isn't like that. Go on a journey. Have some experiences. Free yourself. Find a hippy commune and stay with them for a while. Become a Buddhist monk and meditate on the nature of being for five years. Save money to travel to Peru and become an ayahuasquero. Whatever you do, it'll make a fantastic story when you're older, and a great source of inspiration for your music, or whatever it is you ultimately choose to settle into.

What it sounds like you're yearning for is freedom from the prison of your life. So free yourself. What do you have to lose?

Don't self medicate with hallucinogens. They cause more problems than they fix. And they are especially not a good idea of you get hallucinations from an NDRI such as Wellbutrin.

Humbly disagree with the first (they CAN but may just as easily help) but agree with the second statement. Depending on what OP means by hallucinations.

If you are going to get into acid, mushrooms etc., be prepared to go to some extremely dark places. If you want to find out what's on the other side of the death barrier and still come back, that's the closest way I know how. There's no guarantee you'll survive the experience. That's the attitude I always go in with and it's liberating. People who drop tabs expecting a light show are always the ones who eventually come to a rude awakening when they find their ego being ruthlessly scattered to the corners of reality.

 

[LadyElaine]

I have had problems with severe depression over the last few years. Ive been "self-medicating" with weed. I did some mushrooms on Memorial Weekend. The first part of the trip went well, but by the end, I had myself convinced I was a loser and didn't deserve to be alive. That scared the shit out of me. Two days later, I started the process to undergo a psychological assessment.

 

[motiv311]

Since 5th grade, my mental health has been slowly deteriorating. I'm diagnosed ADD and I'm 100% positively sure I am suffering from either C-PTSD or Bipolar Type I. Or a disorder with symptoms from both... Around 5th grade, I lost my social skills. I stayed quiet and everyone thought I was a weird ass. The other kids thought I was poor and constantly made fun of me for it. In sixth grade, I started to wonder whether or not something might be wrong with me. I stayed quiet and couldn't socialize because of the fear of rejection. I had different likes and interests. I was the different kid in a D grade school known for fights, bullying, guns, stabbings, etc... This was a ghetto place and I hated being there. The school was poor and looked like a factory from the outside. The kids constantly fucked with me, especially in Gym, when the teachers didn't see anything. I was kinda physically abused by my peers and don't want to go into detail.

When I got home, my mom was always screaming and throwing shit around. She was popping Xanax, Roxies, and Adderall. My house had stains everywhere, crayon and pencil on the walls from my smaller siblings, ashes all over the floor, pot paraphernilia, there was dust in corners and around the area, etc... I was in constant stress and depression everyday. My dad would get home around 5:30P.M. Because of my mom, he was always in a pissy mood and would take it out on us. Not physically though, thank fucking god...

Around 7th grade, things were still horrible. I was beat and robbed by some of the MUCH bigger and stronger students just because I was wearing a spiked wristband.(I listened to a lot of Slayer and Maiden at the time) I was made fun of on a daily basis, once again... Didn't get to socialize, once again. Same as sixth grade. Eighth grade was a little bit better. I wasn't hit at all that year, but still was verbally/emotionally abused. Around this time, I found a radio station called Classic Rock 104.5. I got very heavily into classic rock music and decided that's what my career was gonna be. Throughout the 2 grades before eighth, I always worried about my career. I didn't care for academics. I didn't need a fucking piece of paper with the word "DIPLOMA" and my name on it to prove my worth. Anyways, I still want to achieve that career, and I'm 18, which is a perfect age to start.

At the end of 8th grade, I finally moved and transitioned to another school. Still, the same treatment. I was depressed everyday, I self-harmed, I got to the point of where I hated my peers. Literally HATED them and wanted nothing but bad fortune for them... I felt very cynical towards my peers and still refuse to associate with them. We share nothing in common. Absolutely NOTHING. 9th grade-11th grade was still the same. I had no friends all those years and was, again, harassed by my peers...

For 12th grade, which I'm about to be in, I'm doing online classes at home. I have no ride to see a few decent friends I have, I'm stuck at home all day, my dad leaves early and gets home at 6:30. He expects that I keep the house spotless, cook dinner, etc... And this has to be done PERFECT. He literally says PERFECT. If not done that way, I get yelled at and told I'm a half-asser, that I've done a half-assed job, sometimes being told I'm lazy and useless. I keep the house clean and cook dinner. I do self-assigned work like my online classes, music, watering my garden, yard work, etc... I'm closed off from any social situations and when I am in a social situation, I stay silent for hours. I don't know what to say, I can't make people laugh, I can't make friends that actually like me. The friends I do have usually hangout with me as "Last Resort...

Now, I'm questioning my career. How in the fuck can I become successful when Rock Music is fucking dead? How in the fuck am I going to get a record out there when electro-pop and that fake country bullshit is topping the charts? I don't want to live a normal life, in a normal home, with a normal wife and normal kids, working a normal job... That's depressing. At that point, your life is like an mp3 player on repeat. It repeats the same song until it runs out of battery and dies, like how people repeat waking up, going to their job, coming home until they die. I walk back and forth thinking. My thoughts race violently. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I eat a few bites once or twice a day. I'm losing weight, I can't think straight, it's getting hard for me to complete sentences, I feel no motivation, my motor skills are becoming clumsy... I think about suicide constantly and have a clip loaded with a .45 caliber bullet just in case I make a decision. The only reason why I haven't done that yet is because I don't know what happens if I die.

What if hell is real? It goes back to my repeat theory. I'd be repeating the same hell over and over and over for eternity. What if reincarnation is real? I'd be reborn worse off than I already am. sometimes a short-lasting, but strong burst of energy and euphoria out of nowhere, which I believe is a manic episode. Then I go back to a depressive episode that lasts weeks to months. I'm literally being driven into psychosis. My mind does not have the ability to think positive thoughts. Everything is turned into negativity.

I can't live like this. It gets worse every year. MUCH worse. I don't want to be put on Lithium or all that bullshit. I'm already on 300mg Wellbutrin XL, which kinda works, but not really... There's a hell of a lot more details I could put in, but I'd rather not. There's too many details. Those details embarass the hell out of me though and drive me further into insanity. Nothing helps. NOTHING. I need advice, what the fuck can I do?

Dude you're young, try to have fun, let yourself smile, be vulnerable...... Have a good attitude, be thankful for the things which you do have.


That being said, you sound like a musician, and as one I can tell you that these emotions will only help propel you if you channel them correctly and learn to sort of "find your space" and even out. I was def majorly depressed because of life circumstances from 7th grade to 11 grade, and I evened out right around your age. Stay off drugs as much as humanely possible, learn to have fun be youself... I know it all sounds cheesy. Commit yourself to music, start writing and finishing songs - decide its bigger than yourself

 

[realtalkloc]

soul garden, u gotta do a better job of fitting in. You gotta follow the norms in order to be accepted; talk the way the cool guys talk, dress according to what the fashion is, etc. If i wear my pants up to my nipples will i be accepted by my peers or will I be made fun of? so i gotta conform to the norms, u gotta follow the system bro otherwise u will be isolated and ostracized your entire life. I promise u this will work and you'll fit into society better and never be a victim of bullying.

 

[Flickering]

^^^ Take this guy's advice as satire.

 

[realtalkloc]

^ my advice will help him fit in, you're advice(or lack thereof) will keep him ostracized and isolated. In school you have to do your best to fit in otherwise the other kids will pick on you, it's the way it works. He's obviously sticking out like a soar toe that's why they are picking on him.

 

[Flickering]

I get what you're trying to do, and there is something to be said for being able to adapt to your environment. But saying he'll be ostracised his whole life is flat-out wrong, and I'm a living example of that. I'm one of the weirdest people I know and I have heaps of friends - genuine friends, too, not the phonies you tend to get in high school or business environments. Social adaptation is a skill you pick up as you go, and it actually gets easier into adult life because etiquette dictates people aren't allowed to be such overt jerks anymore.

At this point, the guy's at the very end of high school, and any attempt he makes to act 'normal' will be bleedingly obvious to everyone who knows him, and a sign to the cunts who've tried to make his life hell that they've won.

So yes, the lesson to take is learn to adapt, but if you do it at the expense of your self, you're in for a much deeper kind of pain.

 

[realtalkloc]

^ how should he adapt then? u haven't given him any concrete advice. a cliche statement " he's gotta learn to adapt" is not much help lol, he might as well write that on some toilet paper and wipe his ass with it. give him something concrete, mate?

 

[herbavore]

I think flickering gave some very concrete advice: be yourself and make the kind of friends that accept you and value you for who you really are--not how you appear. High School societal rules are, to the post high school world, irrelevant. The OP is free from high school and free to look for people that share his interests without worrying about what is cool or not.