TDS Chipping away...

[Woodsong]

I've been getting high about once or twice a month ever since quitting buprenorphine...

I'll get my Xanax script (30 1mg tablets) and end up blowing through the entire thing in a day, without fail. This is usually accompanied by at least a few Roxi 30's that I'll go and get in my inebriated state, which I also end up going through rather quickly... I'm aware of how dangerous this combination is, and I pretty much end up overdosing every time anyway...

I just can't seem to stop. I can only stand to go so long without getting high on SOMETHING. I'm not physically addicted to anything anymore, which just seems to make me think I can do whatever the hell I want without consequence, and I fear this is going to end up killing me... 30mg of Xanax and 120mg of oxy, and it's now two days later. I've had horrible sleep paralysis episodes, I look and feel like death warmed over, like I'm literally rotting from the inside out, and I just feel very disoriented and ... "haywired" I guess...

I'm stuck in life... I'm stuck in this house, in the middle of nowhere, no job, no car, barely enough money to feed myself much less keep doing what I'm doing, all my friends and family have pretty much abandoned me, I don't even know where to START getting my shit back together. I don't think I could ever intentionally kill myself, but a lot of days I'd welcome death... I can't help but just let this hole I'm in swallow me up, willing the darkness to just take me now, but it won't... I just wake up the next morning and start it all over again... and again...

There was a time when I had people in my life that would help me out... Ever since my dad died last year, I've slowly destroyed bonds, burned bridges and pushed everyone else away... I can't even help myself anymore, I fear I'm just going to keep going down this road until I either end up dead of an overdose or in jail or homeless or .. something. I don't know, I can barely type right now, I feel like I'm gonna puke, or scream... I just don't know... I have to do something...

I guess this probably sounds too much like a journal entry or something, but I'm just desperate for some kind of advice.....

 

[theseeker]

Sometimes- when I'm anxious and depressed- I take a look at the forces arrayed against me. In your case it's the following: 1) Grief from your dads death, 2) Joblessness, 3) Financial problems (not having enough to eat), 4) Isolation- you have no friends and family to lean on, you live in the middle of nowhere, you have no car to get any place. It's of little wonder that you feel desperate and horribly depressed. Most sane people in your situation would feel the same. The things you speak of, I have experienced. The feeling of isolation was one of the worst. I remember living just an awful place in a pretty grim city in upstate NY. I had a mattress and some pots and pans. That is all. I lived in a poor and dangerous part of town. Those were desperate times. I don't mean to make you feel worse- I just want to make you aware that I know a bit about your struggle (my details were slightly different). I also want to let you know that it is indeed possible to get out of that predicament.

I find it amazing that you have been able to kick bupe and just get high once a month- that right there is an achievement. What are the other 29-30 days like in your typical month? I can only imagine what your life was like before the bupe- you must have overcome some pretty difficult shit in your day. You must have more strength than you give yourself credit for.

If I were you- I'd try to get out of the isolation and get yourself to maybe some group AA/NA or volunteer work or something. Something to just get around other people. Can you apply for any mental health services in your town? You're under a lot of stress and you could really use some help. Is this at all possible for you?

 

[Woodsong]

@theseeker
The rest of the month I just get by, I guess. Try to keep myself distracted... My dad was the one that convinced me to get on the bupe in the first place, but before that I worked for the family business in construction/remodeling. Traveled a lot during the day, juggling a 300mg/day oxy habit in-between jobs... My stepmother took over things after my dad died, and eventually fired me for using Xanax, after which I got evicted from my apartment and had to sell my truck... Can't really blame that on anyone but myself, I suppose...

I tried the mental health service thing for a bit once I moved out here, but all the doctors just immediately pegged me as a drug seeker, or acted like they had no clue why I was even there... Kept trying to tell em, I just wanted to talk to someone, shit...

It could be a lot worse, I know. I just can't help but feel like that direction is unavoidable...

 

[dhcdavid]

Dear Woodsong,

FWIW - and I hope it's worth something - I'm exactly as fucked as you feel at present and then some.

I think if more people knew how incredibly lonely (lonesome even?) a hardcore drug habit more often then not ends up being I hope less people would fall for benzos and opies.

A hardcore benzo addiction 6 years back (buying hundreds of xanax and kpins online for peanuts from Pakistan online) ruined my life completely. I got a police record for illegla benzo possession so that flat out ended my teaching career. And then I almost died on two separate occasions coming off cold turkey from obscene doses of benzos. (Grand-mal seizures. On top of days of the most horrific wd symptoms imaginable).

I'd take a large heroin-habit kick over a large benzo habit kick anyday of the week. Hands fucking down.

Fast-forward 6 years, I too am unemployed, practically unemployable in my current state. I'm on 200mcg/hr of fentanyl plus 80mg of oxy daily. And I probably shoot dope on 2 or 3 days each week. I have never been so low nor close to suicide.

I can recommend comedy series as an excellent anti-depressant..... just whatever makes you laugh and watch it for hours. Also going for long walks with good tunes on your mp3 player is good for the soul too. I'm afraid I can't recommend much more.

If you're not already taking an anti-depressant I'd look into it. After trying various ones I'm now on mirtazapine and duloxetine, both of which are good.

Feel free to pm me if you ever want a chat. and keep on hanging out in the the dark side. Even though I'm a lazy bastard when it comes to posting and pming people (and the beautiful darksiders who I have interracted with over the years know who they are and know I love them) I don't think anywhere has more beautiful, big-hearted, lovely people than right here in TDS.

Here's love going out to you Woodsong from me, Dhcdavid, in Kent, South-Eastern England. x

 

[BlueHues]

I can't even count how many times I've gotten myself off everything only to go right back into it....have everyone give up on me....I know how unbearable the boredom and anxiety and despair gets.....I've lived in it for years and years.....Presently, I'm not quite completely fucked on a drug habit I can't manage....I'm back on Suboxone...again! I was off of everything until about 6 months ago...

what you're doing is what fucking kills people, plain and simple! It's safer to just be on drugs everyday than to go on the kind of binges you are with the combination you're doing it with.....I used IV heroin for years before I started mixing benzos with it....I'm unable to mix the two without nearly dying and blacking out every single fucking time! I know a lot of people that have died from that exact thing....I almost get sick of talking about it and warning people about it....but as far as dangerous drugs use goes, you're playing the most dangerous game there is....