so yeah... i don't know how to begin this. there's a story here somewhere about my descent into chronic alcoholism and subsequent suicide attempt.
now, i have a pretty severe panic/anxiety disorder. it's not substance induced (as they sometimes are), since i had it since i was about twelve and the first inebriation was still some time coming back then. anyway, the only way to manage these attacks, are GABAergics, more specifically benzos and GHB. however when i have either i use them recreationally a lot, to the point where i became physically dependent on GHB. benzos are a different beast entirely, but i still find myself using them way more often than i should (i.e. whenever i have a shitty day, which is practically every day) and i know i'm just replacing my alcohol addiction with a benzo addiction (having taken them on and off since i was 17 i have a pretty good picture of what i'm dealing with), and well....
see the the fuck about it is, when a panic attack hits and i have neither benzos nor GHB i will drink hard liquor ind liver-ravaging quantaties. and i want to stay the fuck away from that. still my cache of 250 2mg etizolam has been reduced in less than a month from 250 to about 30-40 and most of the use was just because i had them. i detoxed myself from my alcohol addiction (successfully) using clorazepate and now i bought three bottles of hard liquor. they are still unopened and standing here in front of me.
i don't know what to do, i can't continue using benzos like this, because alcohol is less of a bitch when it comes to detox, and they've lost all their recreational properties anyway and i've been thinking about suicide a lot, doing it right this time, already ordered a set of scalpel blades... and... ah fuck. if i'm gonna be this miserable, i might as well be this miserable drunk. so cheers.
now, i have a pretty severe panic/anxiety disorder. it's not substance induced (as they sometimes are), since i had it since i was about twelve and the first inebriation was still some time coming back then. anyway, the only way to manage these attacks, are GABAergics, more specifically benzos and GHB. however when i have either i use them recreationally a lot, to the point where i became physically dependent on GHB. benzos are a different beast entirely, but i still find myself using them way more often than i should (i.e. whenever i have a shitty day, which is practically every day) and i know i'm just replacing my alcohol addiction with a benzo addiction (having taken them on and off since i was 17 i have a pretty good picture of what i'm dealing with), and well....
see the the fuck about it is, when a panic attack hits and i have neither benzos nor GHB i will drink hard liquor ind liver-ravaging quantaties. and i want to stay the fuck away from that. still my cache of 250 2mg etizolam has been reduced in less than a month from 250 to about 30-40 and most of the use was just because i had them. i detoxed myself from my alcohol addiction (successfully) using clorazepate and now i bought three bottles of hard liquor. they are still unopened and standing here in front of me.
i don't know what to do, i can't continue using benzos like this, because alcohol is less of a bitch when it comes to detox, and they've lost all their recreational properties anyway and i've been thinking about suicide a lot, doing it right this time, already ordered a set of scalpel blades... and... ah fuck. if i'm gonna be this miserable, i might as well be this miserable drunk. so cheers.
