cant take any more

[chrisalt]

Im sitting here on a non lethal dose of ativan at work. I just dumped my gf of 6 months who abusive 2 weeks agao and the realization she is gone from my life for good is starting to hurt big(half good times half just insanity like all my other relationships... Every female i have been with before has been fucked in one big way or another tbph. I wake up go to work, eat benzos, smoke pot, lift weights, deal with the limits due to chronic pain, see friends and family and live my day to day boring meaning waste of my days life...Im standing here on the verge of tears...i suffer from depression and anxiety. I have seen a shrink for 8 years it has done jack shit. if done CBT therepy. Anti depresents. I have been sober of all hard drugs for 5 years and still counting.


Why can't i shake the utter feelings of being empty, feeling so alone(when i have 5 close friends and 4 extremely close family members) and just a depression so deep im debating going home and just finally ending it, there is no point to this life, no matter what i do.....im so sad i could burst into tears any sec and im in a metal shop... that would not go over well.... i dunno maybe its time

 

[tripnotyzm]

Hey man, I understand that you are suffering pretty bad right now, but honestly, don't let this girl get the better of you.
I'm sorry to hear of your hardship with depression.. Coping with a break up on top of that would not be easy, but that doesn't mean you should give up. You should never give up on life.
You are only on this planet once. I would be devastated to see it cut short
Stay with us dude

 

[fabriclondon]

I know nothing anyone here can say will make the pain of depression go away. I've suffered from extreme bouts of depression since I was a teenager. The saying "it could be worse" crops up many times on these forums and I thought I was at rock bottom MANY MANY times. Right now I'm on house arrest for a 2nd DUI. Spent 10 days in jail (hell), got laid off from my job, had to sell my car which was totally paid off just so I could pay all the bills I accrued during active addiction. Basically I'm telling you this to clarify, IT COULD BE WORSE! Try not to be too hard on yourself. Shit, I literally DO break down and cry almost every day when I think of my current situation. Hang in there please and just simply stay alive for now.

 

[RobotRipping]

i find benzos really make me depressed. Just remember these feelings are temporary, that thought is what keeps me going through all this shit. My life is meaningless as well or i see it that way sometimes. When i am not depressed i don't really consider it. You mention close friends and family, a job and lifting weights, so you have some great things going for you, instead of throwing in the towel, reach out to friends or family for some help. Everyone needs some support sometimes. I'm the kind of person that will keep all the pain to myself, if that's the case for you, just keep pushing on and things will change.

it would probably really help if you just let out all your emotions. I don't suggest crying at work but when you are alone just think of all these things and finally let it all out and let it go. It will feel much better afterwards. I don't cry very often at all but sometimes it's necessary.

 

[trees_please]

No sense in giving up after youve done so much. years of therapy, substance issues, relationships, none of its easy man. I think youre capable and motivated to make some positive adjustments. This may sound cliche, but don't dwell on the past or concern yourself too much with the future. whenever I feel anxious or depressed, Ill force myself to snap out of it. Concentrate on whats in front of you, and go from there. Everyone suffers. Every single person. it's one of few human experiences that is completely universal. End desire, you end suffering.

 

[herbavore]

it would probably really help if you just let out all your emotions. I don't suggest crying at work but when you are alone just think of all these things and finally let it all out and let it go. It will feel much better afterwards. I don't cry very often at all but sometimes it's necessary.

I second that. You are crying because you need to. You need hope and you need more than what you have found inside or out.....so far. If you keep repeating getting involved with people with major problems themselves then that is one thing I would explore because that sounds self-sabotaging.

I think that one of the most devastating things about our culture is the lack of spirituality. We all have the same basic needs: mind, body and spirit. In a healthy person these are integrated and in balance. Our culture has never recognized this. We live in a time and place that has managed , despite all our wealth, to starve all three. Our bodies are starved for real food, our minds are manipulated and confined and starving for freedom of thought and our spirits are either left out of the equation altogether or we are manipulated by fear to cling to simplistic fairy-tales that leave us emptier than ever. I'm not advocating seeing ourselves as powerless victims, just trying to say what I think we are up against. Most of us turn it inward on ourselves and think there is something wrong with us.

Just like you need to cry, you need to explore that hole that you find yourself in. There is no point to this life other than the ones we choose to make. Success as our culture defines it rarely makes anyone happy for long. It sounds like you need to push the envelope of your life both inside and out. Travel to other cultures saved my life on many occasions when I was young. We tend to get scared of the unfamiliar and make our worlds small. When those worlds we've made can't sustain us we despair. I know that travel sounds like a luxury but it doesn't have to be. When I did most of my traveling I worked as a waitress at a lunch place--definitely not big bucks--and I just made it a goal to get the airline ticket and a backpacker's guide and then I went. When I ran out of money, I came back and did the same thing again. If this seems like something that you might be interested in trying there are so many options for that now. There is WOOF if you want to go alone or there are numerous organizations that you can volunteer with (you still have to raise your own money for these) if you want to go with a group and have a purpose. Staying closer to home there are many Buddhist retreats in the U. S. and Canada that offer work exchange programs. One in particular that has been so helpful in my life is Land of the Medicine Buddha.

I hope that you can see that your heart and mind are just calling out to you to look deeper. Good luck. Let this thread and all the love that comes through it hold you up for awhile. It's exhausting to be in despair. Try to make sure that your eating and your sleeping are the best they can be. Sounds like you have the exercise component going so that's great.

 

[Metaphormidable]

Don't be too hard on yourself- give yourself a break. Cry all you want, eat junk food- or whatever you want to, watch trashy tv, nap, don't do anything you don't feel like doing for a few days, and most important, don't put pressure on yourself right now. You clearly have folks who care about you, but I think you need to take some time for yourself and just have a good wallow, you know? Hang in there though. Do what feels right to you. If you feel better surrounding yourself with people, do that, or if you need alone time, then go that way. But I agree you've come too far to give up. Usually all you really need is a little time, but if you feel like it is a medical issue, please please go get some help for that. Good luck to you

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Allow yourself to live, you deserve better than the people in your past and how they treated you, and they say that living is the best revenge towards people like this who do us wrong.

I've never taken benzos recreationally but those are not going to help your depression. If you're addicted to them which does happen go to treatment since it's dangerous to quit them cold turkey because of the withdrawals.

Crying does help, allow yourself to do this. It's easier said than done but don't self medicate with drugs or alcohol. I did this with alcohol and it didn't help, and it just made things worse.

Don't keep your feelings to yourself. Tell your friends and family that you're not in the best place now and that you want to talk to them.

Someone else said it but what you're feeling now is temporary and eventually you'll look back on this time of your life and think "WTF was I thinking then?!"

 

[chrisalt]

thanks for the advice guys, Ive kinda settled down alot since i posted that. I came with the old cliche i modified a bit for me.

"live every day like its ur last because your gonna die anyway so who give a shit?"
Im basically saying what you do from birth to death means jack shit and do what ever you gotta do, and mean whatever.

i woke up this morning after after 2 days of being a depressed mess, and fuck it im gonna not be a pussy any more and roll with whatever comes my way brought by me or out of my control till i die.

Thanks for all your replies

 

[herbavore]

"live every day like its ur last because your gonna die anyway so who give a shit?"

i woke up this morning after after 2 days of being a depressed mess, and fuck it im gonna not be a pussy any more and roll with whatever comes my way brought by me or out of my control till i die.

Fantastic, chrisalt. I always love it when my "fuck it" mentality works for me as opposed to against me. Good job on fighting your way out of the corner you were backed into.

 

[chrisalt]

Fantastic, chrisalt. I always love it when my "fuck it" mentality works for me as opposed to against me. Good job on fighting your way out of the corner you were backed into.

Thanks Herb, i appreciate it. You seem like one of the few good people out there.