TDS Can't shake self-loathing and intrusive thoughts....

[sarcophagus.heels]

*This includes some writing about self-harm, so just a warning to skip this if you find that upsetting*

It's been a long time since I've posted here, but don't know where else to turn at this point, and I just need to get this out...

The last couple of weeks have been really difficult for me. I've struggled with a mood disorder for years - I had to get hospitalized several times between 2011 and 2013 because of depression and anxiety, and because of the self-harm, drug use, and binge drinking that I would use to cope. Things have been pretty good since then - I finished undergrad, met an amazing, supportive guy that I've been living with for 4 years, and I'm about to graduate grad school for education.

I recently quit my job in order to finish the student teaching part of my program, and I think that major shift might have precipitated my current bout of instability.....I used to work almost 50 hours a week in addition to my classes. Now I'm only working 30 hours a week, and the school gives me a lot of spare time during my work day. I'm starting to think that I've only been stable for this long because I was keeping myself too busy to give my mood disorder time to really set in. Now with all of this newfound spare time, a deep self-loathing has set in, and I've been experiencing these really intrusive thoughts where I imagine myself cutting and burning myself, or I sometimes get more surreal ones where I start peeling my own skin back or smashing against my body until it cracks into pieces.

These thoughts are getting more and more upsetting and I've starting drinking and smoking tons of weed to try to keep it at bay. I'm so relieved that I don't really have any connects for hard drugs these days, because that's been getting increasingly tempting. That said, the drinking has me worried. I'm especially worried because I've been hiding my drinking from my SO, and that's really not fair to him. I'm considering finding a therapist, but I'm moving out of the state in three months, and the thought of going through the trouble of finding a new therapist only to have to get a new one in three months time has me fucking miserable....

I've had some bumps here and there in the last four years, but this is the most unstable that I've felt in ages and it has me worried. Should I just suck it the fuck up and find a therapist? My graduation is coming up in a few months and I'm worried that this bullshit is gonna seriously fuck up my last semester. I also want to talk about this with my boyfriend, but I'm worried about scaring him. He knows about my trouble with mental illness, but I worry he might freak out if he realizes how fucked up I've been feeling recently. Any and all advice or kind words would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Mafioso]

It might not be a bad idea to find a therapist who also does couples counseling and can work with you and your boyfriend for the next 3 months to help get some stability in the relationship before you send off. I'd like to hope that you don't get any worse and your able to get things under control, but really the ways you are currently coping are major warning signs. Reaching out for help is probably the best thing you can do, and I wouldn't say lump your problems onto your boyfriend obviously, but you do need to communicate whats going on.

Unfortunately these problems just don't go away as I think you know, so having someone who isn't willing to be supportive of you in times like these is probably not really a good option for you in the long run. You might be surprised to find out you have a good one who is unquestionably supportive of you.. something you can't really know until you play it out in reality.

You are worthy of asking for help.. it's only human to need support of others. It's also pretty normal to start to freak out a bit when things are changing. There is comfort in routine and fear in uncertainty. You'll make it through this one way or another, but don't wait until your life is in complete chaos to get help. We all have our problems we must deal with and that's ok. Take care of yourself, you are worth it. Anyone who says different is a liar or wrong.

 

[aihfl]

Are you on any medications? It might be worthwhile to consult a psychiatrist as well. Just like medication alone won't cure mental disorders, therapy won't fix you either if your brain chemistry is screwed up. I also have issues with anxiety and depression and self-medicated mostly with alcohol for years, and I can tell you with certainty that alcohol only worsens these problems. You don't want to go down the alcohol rabbit hole - the withdrawals are brutal, not to mention potentially life-threatening.

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

I'm kind of glad I posted this here because I've been feeling better the past couple of days, but reading this is a solid reminder of how thoroughly fucked up I was feeling just a few days ago. It's also a reminder of how I really need to cut it out with the drinking, because it definitely escalated things. I'm gonna start looking for someone to talk to.

@aihfl - I do think it's a good idea to see someone that could discuss meds, I've just been wary about getting back on meds. I spent several years being prescribed a rotating cocktail of meds, and I'm dreading going through that process all over again. I might save the meds considerations for after I move, especially remembering how long it takes to try to figure that stuff out.

@mafioso, I think I just need to be more honest with my boyfriend. He's seen me go through other minor breakdowns before and has always been incredibly supportive. He has a medical background and has family members with mental illness, so he's always been steady and understanding. That said, I promised him I would tell him if I thought I was anywhere close to self harming again, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it when I was getting unstable. That really worries me, and I know it would worry him too. I'm gonna talk to him about it this weekend- that'll hopefully hold me accountable to actually getting a therapist ?

Thank you both for the kind words, they meant a lot.

 

[Stargazer]

Hi Sarcophagus!

Glad you're getting a reprieve from how you were feeling. It sounds like it gets really intense when it happens though. Imo, a therapist is in order.

I have bipolar 2. I skipped my meds for a few days last week, trying to make them more effective. I had a full-blown, can't feel my limbs panic attack. It's been awhile since I had one that severe. I still get panicky, but not to that extent.

I had to go outside to get air at 3am. It's a reminder for me, of what's always lurking underneath the surface.

It sounds like your boyfriend will be understanding. Especially with a mental health background, he's aware your issues don't just go away.

Congratulations on all you've accomplished!! That's amazing. It sounds like you have a bright future. Good luck!