Can't move on. Need advice.

[sushii]

I've tried to condense this, it's still really long, but if you get through it all I'd appreciate some opinions and advice.

Three years ago my partner had an affair with his cousin's wife. As he's incredibly close to his cousin, and as we were all friends prior to this happening, I've tried my best to be ok with them maintaining a friendship provided it doesn't cross any physical boundaries. It hasn't, and I don't really have any concerns that it will - while I was angry at my partner for a long time, I've forgiven him and feel like I can trust him again. However, I still don't feel like I can trust her, and I still find myself feeling very angry at how she's behaved.

Two things in particular bother me. The first is that I'm concerned that she's still in love with my partner and can't move on. She's never admitted this to me, but I know she was in love with him for a long time as he's shown me an email from after their affair ended (she doesn't know this). I have no doubt she doesn't feel as strongly as she used to, but she still seems to need a level of closeness and intimacy that goes beyond friendship.

The second is how she's responded to my concerns about their relationship. On at least two occasions I've felt really uncomfortable with her behaviour, but she's refused to acknowledge that there's a problem. The last time this happened (6 months ago) she sent both my partner and I a fairly angry text saying that the problems we had in our relationship had nothing to do with her.

Although we've been back on good terms since then, I was still furious at her for saying that, and my partner has since stopped seeing her as much. I thought this would make me feel better about it all, but it's almost had the opposite effect. I'm at the point where I want nothing to do with her any more. My partner is frustrated as he's doing everything I ask him to, yet I'm still getting upset whenever they see each other. It's unrealistic for me (or him) to keep avoiding her, as my partner and his cousin's families spend a lot of time together.

How do I move on from this? The obvious answer is that I need to talk to her, but she's got so little insight I doubt she'd respond in a constructive way. I also feel like it would be dragging up the past unnecessarily, as they're barely seeing each other any more. I wish I could just find peace with the situation and move on, but I can't seem to do it. What do I do to put this behind me?

 

[DOB]

in my opinion love isnt black and white... people claim they love their partner even trough they cheat or cheated,in my opinion thats weak love... not pure,overwhelmingly strong love you deserve

 

[dragonflies]

Just wondering does the cousin know about the affair?

 

[sushii]

Just wondering does the cousin know about the affair?

Yep, he knows everything. There might be some minor details that she didn't tell him at the time, but it's all pretty much out in the open and has been for ages.

Actually, that's not entirely true - he knows about the physical stuff but I doubt she's ever admitted to being in love.

 

[dragonflies]

This is just my opinion, but I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask him not to see her at all anymore. Family or no, these two had an affair, and you are in the right to not want them around each other anymore. Do you feel like your partner loves and respects you? More importantly, how is your level of self love and respect? You have to honor yourself enough to say this is not acceptable, and if your partner really wants to be with you, he will cut whatever ties necessary. If he feels you are being unreasonable than he hasn't grasped how much this hurt you. The problem is more between you and your partner, because if he doesn't really love you and respect you, than an affair is likely to happen again. If you feel you can't trust him again, maybe you are right. If you want to give him a chance you can, but that's up to you. If you trust him again though, the same thing may happen, and if it does you need to have the courage to walk away, knowing that you deserve better. You get what u settle for. If his devotion lies with you, he will do anything to win your trust back. But if you have to argue with him to stay away from her, then he just doesn't get it, and probably never will. Good luck and sorry this happened to you.

 

[llama112]

This is just my opinion, but I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask him not to see her at all anymore. Family or no, these two had an affair, and you are in the right to not want them around each other anymore.

I agree with this.

Normally I don't think things like this are very fair but he cheated. That's that. If this is how you feel most comfortable, I think that's perfectly fine.

 

[sushii]

He's offered to not see her anymore but I've rejected the offer - given the family connections and history I was hoping we could rebuild the friendships somehow. To be clear, I do trust my partner now, I obviously didn't after it happened (and we broke up for a while) but three years later I understand why it happened from his perspective, he's done everything I've asked of him, and we're closer now than we ever have been. Nothing has happened since and if it did I wouldn't stay with him - he knows that.

My problem is my relationship with her. I've been pretty generous, I think, to be willing to try and let them be friends. Yet she's been oblivious at best, and manipulative at worst, in the way she's handled things. As far as they're all concerned the affair is in the past, but I'm still angry at her and clearly having trouble moving on.

I just don't know how to resolve this. I guess it's going to involve confronting her at some point, but I have no idea how to go about it. Face to face? A letter? Just the two of us, or should it involve everyone? I can't decide, so I'm doing nothing, which isn't a solution...