Can't believe I'm back at square one

[amediocrity]

So I've had a two year long battle. First with codeine, then Kratom. I managed to quit the codeine completely with Kratom, but then it got banned here in the UK. I had a nasty wd experience coming off that as I was a fairly heavy, daily user. But then I went and blew it by getting my grubby little junkie hands on some nurofen plus just one month after withdrawing from Kratom, and now it's months later and I'm hooked. I hate this feeling of having come full circle. My partner knew about my previous addictions (though only found out about them once I was at breaking point keeping all the secrets and lying 24/7) and it nearly broke our relationship. If she knew I was back at it I would be dead meat.
I am hoping to beat this on my own this time. As much as I love her, she wasn't very supportive or understanding the last two times. The thing is, I feel out of my depth with this one. I am having stomach pains from all the ipubrofen and my savings are all gone on funding this habit. I am carrying a lot of fear, worry, and guilt and it is really weighing me down. I guess I need someone to say it's going to be ok and there is a way out of this once and for all.
Right now I hate myself and have had thoughts of suicide. Any words of advice or whatever would be a huge comfort.
I am currently taking 32 nurofen plus in a 24 hour period, if that helps give a perspective on how much of an issue it is going to be for me to withdraw.

 

[simco]

hey! Yes, there *is* a way out; you really can do this. many of us here on SL are in situations very similar to yours, or else we probably were recently.

a couple thoughts, right off the bat: I'm recovering from a heroin habit right now (24 days clean), but before that I was living with the 24/7 secrecy you described. And I also hated myself and got to the point where I tried to kill myself... that's another story... I mention it because I came away believing that those secrets were even more toxic than I had realized. Keeping them definitely impeded my recovery. Of course it SUCKED to blow all the secrets away. But with everything out in the open, I've been free to find the support I needed.

Are there at least some folks you can talk to and be honest with? I think you'll really be better off for it, if at all possible.

Keep us posted. Good luck!
Sim

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You can get through this.

 

[Thinkwithportals]

Don't look at it as square one! You've successfully quit Kratom before, it seems like you really want this, and it's very doable. I admit, I don't know what nurofen is, or about the withdrawal, but I know this; taking it a day at a time is your best bet.
I was dabbling in heroin (and a bunch of psychedelics as well) - and became addicted to methadone for a few years.. then used Kratom to kick that (but got addicted to the Kratom for a good two years)
Now I am 2 weeks clean off that!
It can be done, it's not easy and I'm finding out that the mental part is what's really getting me, but with the right mindset, and a proper plan, you can tackle this

 

[Jabberwocky]

Agreed, this is just the next step in the journey called like OP. Keep trying and you'll eventually get to where you want to be. Be warned, your expectations of where to you want to be may change along the way though

 

[starting_over]

You will do serious damage to your GI system, please try to find an alternative to nurofen

Overuse of aspirin gave me a nasty ulcer... Medication (a PPI) for that is expensive btw, like $1 or $2 per pill, once or twice daily depending on severity

 

[Phenpsycho]

Hey there.

I know it must seem like a mountain you got to climb, but we all have to start at the bottom and work our way up. I'm recently getting clean again off of benzos and other shit and your a lot further along than me when it comes to your recovery. I still haven't come clean to anyone about my usage because i was in rehab for the same shit just 6 months ago and it's such a hard thing to come to terms with, most people already think i'm a junkie for life. I really need to flush my stash as I had it waiting for me when I got out and I eventually gave in to temptation; at first just dabbling but eventually getting in over my head again.

I had left my SO after 'graduating' from rehab because he wasn't there for me at all while I was getting clean that first time around. I was sent to a mental ward for suicidal ideation and an attempt prior to getting in the program but again was all on my own through that whole ordeal; no family, SO or friends except other addicts trying to turn their lives around. I'm doing this recovery thing on my own this time with minimal support from family who don't know that i'm in deep again and I won't tell them until i'm sure I get this thing kicked because fuck..they've endured enough pain without having to know i'm going in another circle.

I feel I can relate to you about your partner not having been supportive and it's tough but just try and think that once you get sober again you can meet a new partner who will support you through thick and thin, it's what keeps me going sometimes, that thought. I think you made an excellent decision to get clean without having the pain of being with someone who doesn't have your back when your in the worst pain you can be in; some people just have no clue how hard it is to stop the cycle of addiction with all the mental and physical shit that goes on and them being that ignorant just adds to the low self esteem and feeling bad about ourselves.

Hope this post encourages you a bit. It's a really good thing you're doing and it shows your strength that you're not accepting your addictions and you're willing to try to get clean again. Falling and getting back up again takes a whole lot of strength and you'll realize it someday.

 

[amediocrity]

Thanks everyone, I'm so grateful to have you all. Those are some incredible words of advice, wisdom, and hope you've given me.

Unfortunately today has been very distressing for me. I visited my gp last week to ask to be put on a tapering plan of codeine phosphate. I have ALWAYS been honest with him about my addiction. The first time I told him I was addicted to the cocodamol he was prescribing me for migraines he gave me this disappointed look, as if I had done it to personally insult him. He handed me a phone number for my local drug counselling place and refused to give me any more codeine. I remember feeling so alone and overwhelmed by this response. It was like he was wiping his hands clean of me. He wouldn't even refer me to the drug team himself, told me I had to do this alone.
So when I went back to him last week to tell him I had gone back to the codeine via nurofen plus, explaining I was taking 32 a day and having serious stomach pain and black tar like stools, he gave me that same look of disappointment and said he wanted me to have some bloods taken to see how badly my insides have been damaged. I asked again if I could taper, he told me he won't prescribe me codeine unless a member of the drug team give him permission to do so.
So today I spend six hours talking on the phone to the people at one drug counselling place, getting transferred to another, until finally breaking down in tears to a lady on the phone at the first place I tried and got referred back to (what is it with me and full circles?). I told her I didn't want to injure myself anymore and I wanted a safe, controlled taper on codeine phosphate. She told me it was bad form for my GP to have not let me taper when I first got addicted. She said she would get the nurse to phone my GP that afternoon. I cried even harder with relief. I started letting myself think about a future free from nurofen plus and the damage it has been doing to my scrawny 8 stone body. She told me I would receive a phone call from the nurse just before my appointment. But I didn't. I rang back, she assured me I would get the phone call, but I didn't. So I went into the GP room, (it was a locum doctor, my GP had no free slots) and asked the doctor if she had received a message regarding tapering. She went really silent and then awkwardly told me the drugs team nurse had contacted my GP and together they had decided I shouldn't be prescribed codeine phosphate.
I can't explain how much that hurt. The double standards, the false hopes, the negligence and failure to even ring back and tell me before I walked into that room. I sat there and just cried and cried and cried whilst she awkwardly clicked on her computer mouse. When I left I tired ringing the drugs team but their office had closed. I had been holding off on buying any more nurofen plus as I thought the taper plan had been approved, so I walked, in tears, to the pharmacy and bought a box of 32 and then a box of plain co codamol 8/500 at another pharmacy. I took over half the packet in one go and just wanted to die then and there. I still do. I feel like these 'professionals' have just walked all over me. They get me hooked on a drug and then refuse to help me get off it. The fact that my GP prescribed me some stuff to protect my stomach last visit just says it all. It's like he's endorsing my using nurofen plus, so what if it kills me, as long as he doesn't have to deal with it.

I am so broken, guys. And so, so tired of this.

 

[starting_over]

Geez what a mess...

I figured that you might eventually get black tar-like stools... I'm sure the doctor told you that this is very bad and indicates internal bleeding, hence the new prescription. My GI system hasn't been the same, and it's been over a year now.

Please, you have to stop taking nurofen. Is there someone you know who can get their hands on codeine (or some other opiate?) ... If not, is there a bad area of town that you can find stuff?

I wouldn't normally advocate for this sort of thing but it seems to be the lesser evil. If your stomach hurts too much you can take it nasally or plug it.

 

[GenericMind]

You can get through this.

This. Don't let the disappointment of finding yourself in this situation again become an excuse for staying in this situation. Almost nobody I know personally got sobriety "right" the first time they tried it.

 

[bob cobb]

Thanks everyone, I'm so grateful to have you all. Those are some incredible words of advice, wisdom, and hope you've given me.

Unfortunately today has been very distressing for me. I visited my gp last week to ask to be put on a tapering plan of codeine phosphate. I have ALWAYS been honest with him about my addiction. The first time I told him I was addicted to the cocodamol he was prescribing me for migraines he gave me this disappointed look, as if I had done it to personally insult him. He handed me a phone number for my local drug counselling place and refused to give me any more codeine. I remember feeling so alone and overwhelmed by this response. It was like he was wiping his hands clean of me. He wouldn't even refer me to the drug team himself, told me I had to do this alone.
So when I went back to him last week to tell him I had gone back to the codeine via nurofen plus, explaining I was taking 32 a day and having serious stomach pain and black tar like stools, he gave me that same look of disappointment and said he wanted me to have some bloods taken to see how badly my insides have been damaged. I asked again if I could taper, he told me he won't prescribe me codeine unless a member of the drug team give him permission to do so.
So today I spend six hours talking on the phone to the people at one drug counselling place, getting transferred to another, until finally breaking down in tears to a lady on the phone at the first place I tried and got referred back to (what is it with me and full circles?). I told her I didn't want to injure myself anymore and I wanted a safe, controlled taper on codeine phosphate. She told me it was bad form for my GP to have not let me taper when I first got addicted. She said she would get the nurse to phone my GP that afternoon. I cried even harder with relief. I started letting myself think about a future free from nurofen plus and the damage it has been doing to my scrawny 8 stone body. She told me I would receive a phone call from the nurse just before my appointment. But I didn't. I rang back, she assured me I would get the phone call, but I didn't. So I went into the GP room, (it was a locum doctor, my GP had no free slots) and asked the doctor if she had received a message regarding tapering. She went really silent and then awkwardly told me the drugs team nurse had contacted my GP and together they had decided I shouldn't be prescribed codeine phosphate.
I can't explain how much that hurt. The double standards, the false hopes, the negligence and failure to even ring back and tell me before I walked into that room. I sat there and just cried and cried and cried whilst she awkwardly clicked on her computer mouse. When I left I tired ringing the drugs team but their office had closed. I had been holding off on buying any more nurofen plus as I thought the taper plan had been approved, so I walked, in tears, to the pharmacy and bought a box of 32 and then a box of plain co codamol 8/500 at another pharmacy. I took over half the packet in one go and just wanted to die then and there. I still do. I feel like these 'professionals' have just walked all over me. They get me hooked on a drug and then refuse to help me get off it. The fact that my GP prescribed me some stuff to protect my stomach last visit just says it all. It's like he's endorsing my using nurofen plus, so what if it kills me, as long as he doesn't have to deal with it.

I am so broken, guys. And so, so tired of this.

I'm pretty certain you can do a CWE with the ibuprofen. start doing that immediately and try to taper yourself. at this point we need to start with harm reduction. one step at a time, guy. you can do this

 

[LowCard]

-amediocrity... I can relate with square one. 13 years ago I got clean in NA, and was heavily involved. I became disconnected from the fellowship with very poor timing: I developed a bladder issues earlier this year, which may be bladder cancer, and I lost my 13 years of clean time chasing the pain away using unscripted pain pills from the street. However there's a light... I've found a knowledgeable physician, and I have recommitted to taking my prescribed meds properly (held and administered by my wife) along with picking up a white key tag in Narcotics Anonymous as a symbol of my surrender to my powerlessness. I identify as an addict so NA works for me when I work it. I am sure they're are many NA haters on a site like this, and I am not trying to promote it. I am just sharing my experience as a person trying to break free. Good luck bro.

 

[simco]

...
I identify as an addict so NA works for me when I work it. I am sure they're are many NA haters on a site like this, and I am not trying to promote it. I am just sharing my experience as a person trying to break free.
...

Hey, @LowCard... From time to time, I come out kinda hard against NA on this forum. Just wanted to mention, though, that your story reminds me of the really *great* aspects of the 12-step fellowships. I'm so glad you've found good support there. I have my quibbles with the fellowships. But, shit, whatever works! Your story is really impressive.

 

[amediocrity]

I tried cwe on nurofen plus once, but it didn't seem to work too good. Any tips on how to do it properly? Thanks for the tip, I had actually forgotten cwe for ibuprofen based stuff even existed!

 

[Jabberwocky]

-amediocrity... I can relate with square one. 13 years ago I got clean in NA, and was heavily involved. I became disconnected from the fellowship with very poor timing: I developed a bladder issues earlier this year, which may be bladder cancer, and I lost my 13 years of clean time chasing the pain away using unscripted pain pills from the street. However there's a light... I've found a knowledgeable physician, and I have recommitted to taking my prescribed meds properly (held and administered by my wife) along with picking up a white key tag in Narcotics Anonymous as a symbol of my surrender to my powerlessness. I identify as an addict so NA works for me when I work it. I am sure they're are many NA haters on a site like this, and I am not trying to promote it. I am just sharing my experience as a person trying to break free. Good luck bro.

There are lots of wonderful, invaluable aspects to 12 step culture. Especially NA. That said, there are also lots of absolutely atrocious aspects to it, with many fellowships being little more than a cult. That is really a shame, because they give the good ones out there a bad rep, one which they don't really deserve. But picking out the healthier fellowships from the unhealthier ones is not an easy task. The difference is anything but self evident given the rather evangelicalizing ring to some of twelve step culture.

 

[LowCard]

Hey, @LowCard... From time to time, I come out kinda hard against NA on this forum. Just wanted to mention, though, that your story reminds me of the really *great* aspects of the 12-step fellowships. I'm so glad you've found good support there. I have my quibbles with the fellowships. But, shit, whatever works! Your story is really impressive.

Thanks for the kind words.

 

[cj]

If the partner isn't supportive then you should dump her and work on yourself. It sounds like the relationship is going to end either way, May as well be on your terms. There is tons of help out there you just need the courage to ask.