Let me start off by saying I've been a long time lurker on bluelight, but this is my first post. It will be very long, I would appreciate if you took the time to read it. In a way I am venting, but I truly hope someone can chip in with advice, or maybe something similar they have went through. Right now I don't see hope in my future
Me and my ex fiance had been together about 3 years before all this happened. It all started when I got kicked out of my parents house, and starting staying with her.(we'll call her T from now on)
T was 16 at the time if I remember correctly, and I had just turned 18. We had a past relationship although it was very short and at the time I did not take her very seriously. Over time she matured, and the person she became I grew to love. I was struggling and still am struggling with addiction when we got back together. At first this wasn't a problem (or so I thought) because she had just start smoking weed, and was willing try a lot.. my main addiction has always been benzos or opiates. We got along very well, rarely fought, had tons of amazing sex, and became a big part of each others lives. We were in love.
Fast forward about 6 or so months, and we find out she's pregnant. I never once thought of leaving, getting an abortion or anything else of the sort. I became clean for maybe a month and half to get a job, and hopefully stay clean for life. I got a job working maintenance at an apartment complex, and for about another month or so life was going good. I just couldn't help myself from the allure of benzos and opiates, my anxieties have always gotten the best of me. I relapsed, hard. Binged on xanax for a few months and eventually ran out of sources to support the new tolerance attained. Withdrawals and the pain of living life in constant fear pushed me to do many things out of character. Eventually it got to a point where I would steal medication from apartments. As disgusting as this made me feel I could not help myself. To this day I'm ashamed of doing that. My thievery caught up with me, and I ended up losing my job after only being with the company 8 months.
T was never okay with my drug use after becoming pregnant, but drugs had lost recreation for me at the ripe age of 15, so I did everything I could to hide my addiction from her while I was working there.
Soon after that all took place my baby girl (we will call her A) was born. A being born is something I can never describe. It was a very magical, life changing experience. T and I hadn't been getting along so well after the whole incident at my previous job, but our child being born brought us together and at that time I do believe we loved each other very deeply.
About a week later, I was kicked out of Ts house. After we left the hospital I started down a worse addiction than ever before. More times than not I was incoherent and nodding off. It may have been my fear of being a parent, or maybe bringing a child into this world before we were both ready, I don't really know.
Being the bum that I am, I moved back in with my mother. My mother had alway been one of my main sources of drugs, but I had no other choice. Before quitting this time I realized I needed help. Awaiting my room in detox, I never stopped taking valium, hydrocodones, or oxy. In detox they gave me subs and librium taper plans. Detox went well I met a lot of interesting people, got on board with sobriety and really felt I had the tools to break through the cycle off addiction and better myself for A.
Once out I conintued a 4 week out patient program where my suboxone taper was extended for this time period. Sometime in the middle of outpatient T and I got back together to try to work things out. I got a job as a window installer, was clean for about half year and everything was looking up. I had my life, family, and a hopeful outlook on our futures together. Then came income tax.. we made plans to move into an apartment together with another couple we knew. Long story short it did not work out in the slightest. We ended up having to pay they're rent for two months, along with other bills, totalling about 3 grand. They were terrible roommates. Up until we decided to move out, I was still clean, excluding my kratom use. We moved in with my dad and everything went wrong..
My dads house is in the area I grew up in. All my old connects lived there. Maybe a week or so after living there I relapsed. I stayed clear of all opiates, but benzos always had the most appeal to me. T could tell right away. She just knew me so well. They threw anxiety out the window. Shortly after someone at my new job introduced me to meth. I had taken many types of speed before then, but never any as addicting as smoking crystal. I kept it all up for maybe 2 months until T had had enough, and left me for the second time taking A with her. The next day I of course being the brilliant druggie I am took as many benzos as I could, went to work and shortly after blacked out. I lost another job because of fucking drugs..
My dad couldn't handle it anymore, kicked me out, and now I live in the middle of no where. T had been very supportive of me in the past, but I guess I messed up way too many times. Now she rarely talks to me, and I know and accept that every bit of this is my fault.. But I do want us to be a normal family some day. Not just for A, but because I love T with all of my heart and can't really see a future without us being a family, being there for A, as well as spending the rest of our lives together. I really do believe she is one, and I know she used to feel this way too. Could I have really ruined our chance to ever be a happy family? Is there no longer hope for that?
I apologize if this post seems very scattered and long, but my whole world has been turned around. I actually excluded very many details from this long ass story. Only focused on my faults as well, don't get me wrong T has made plenty of mistakes towards me she's not perfect. My hope for the future isn't there without my family.
I have been clean since she left, but need advice on staying clean and trying to rebuild our relationship. This world isn't a place I want to walk alone
Me and my ex fiance had been together about 3 years before all this happened. It all started when I got kicked out of my parents house, and starting staying with her.(we'll call her T from now on)
T was 16 at the time if I remember correctly, and I had just turned 18. We had a past relationship although it was very short and at the time I did not take her very seriously. Over time she matured, and the person she became I grew to love. I was struggling and still am struggling with addiction when we got back together. At first this wasn't a problem (or so I thought) because she had just start smoking weed, and was willing try a lot.. my main addiction has always been benzos or opiates. We got along very well, rarely fought, had tons of amazing sex, and became a big part of each others lives. We were in love.
Fast forward about 6 or so months, and we find out she's pregnant. I never once thought of leaving, getting an abortion or anything else of the sort. I became clean for maybe a month and half to get a job, and hopefully stay clean for life. I got a job working maintenance at an apartment complex, and for about another month or so life was going good. I just couldn't help myself from the allure of benzos and opiates, my anxieties have always gotten the best of me. I relapsed, hard. Binged on xanax for a few months and eventually ran out of sources to support the new tolerance attained. Withdrawals and the pain of living life in constant fear pushed me to do many things out of character. Eventually it got to a point where I would steal medication from apartments. As disgusting as this made me feel I could not help myself. To this day I'm ashamed of doing that. My thievery caught up with me, and I ended up losing my job after only being with the company 8 months.
T was never okay with my drug use after becoming pregnant, but drugs had lost recreation for me at the ripe age of 15, so I did everything I could to hide my addiction from her while I was working there.
Soon after that all took place my baby girl (we will call her A) was born. A being born is something I can never describe. It was a very magical, life changing experience. T and I hadn't been getting along so well after the whole incident at my previous job, but our child being born brought us together and at that time I do believe we loved each other very deeply.
About a week later, I was kicked out of Ts house. After we left the hospital I started down a worse addiction than ever before. More times than not I was incoherent and nodding off. It may have been my fear of being a parent, or maybe bringing a child into this world before we were both ready, I don't really know.
Being the bum that I am, I moved back in with my mother. My mother had alway been one of my main sources of drugs, but I had no other choice. Before quitting this time I realized I needed help. Awaiting my room in detox, I never stopped taking valium, hydrocodones, or oxy. In detox they gave me subs and librium taper plans. Detox went well I met a lot of interesting people, got on board with sobriety and really felt I had the tools to break through the cycle off addiction and better myself for A.
Once out I conintued a 4 week out patient program where my suboxone taper was extended for this time period. Sometime in the middle of outpatient T and I got back together to try to work things out. I got a job as a window installer, was clean for about half year and everything was looking up. I had my life, family, and a hopeful outlook on our futures together. Then came income tax.. we made plans to move into an apartment together with another couple we knew. Long story short it did not work out in the slightest. We ended up having to pay they're rent for two months, along with other bills, totalling about 3 grand. They were terrible roommates. Up until we decided to move out, I was still clean, excluding my kratom use. We moved in with my dad and everything went wrong..
My dads house is in the area I grew up in. All my old connects lived there. Maybe a week or so after living there I relapsed. I stayed clear of all opiates, but benzos always had the most appeal to me. T could tell right away. She just knew me so well. They threw anxiety out the window. Shortly after someone at my new job introduced me to meth. I had taken many types of speed before then, but never any as addicting as smoking crystal. I kept it all up for maybe 2 months until T had had enough, and left me for the second time taking A with her. The next day I of course being the brilliant druggie I am took as many benzos as I could, went to work and shortly after blacked out. I lost another job because of fucking drugs..
My dad couldn't handle it anymore, kicked me out, and now I live in the middle of no where. T had been very supportive of me in the past, but I guess I messed up way too many times. Now she rarely talks to me, and I know and accept that every bit of this is my fault.. But I do want us to be a normal family some day. Not just for A, but because I love T with all of my heart and can't really see a future without us being a family, being there for A, as well as spending the rest of our lives together. I really do believe she is one, and I know she used to feel this way too. Could I have really ruined our chance to ever be a happy family? Is there no longer hope for that?
I apologize if this post seems very scattered and long, but my whole world has been turned around. I actually excluded very many details from this long ass story. Only focused on my faults as well, don't get me wrong T has made plenty of mistakes towards me she's not perfect. My hope for the future isn't there without my family.
I have been clean since she left, but need advice on staying clean and trying to rebuild our relationship. This world isn't a place I want to walk alone