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Can I fix what I destroyed? (long)

Lostcanoe

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 2, 2014
Messages
8
Location
Texas
Let me start off by saying I've been a long time lurker on bluelight, but this is my first post. It will be very long, I would appreciate if you took the time to read it. In a way I am venting, but I truly hope someone can chip in with advice, or maybe something similar they have went through. Right now I don't see hope in my future

Me and my ex fiance had been together about 3 years before all this happened. It all started when I got kicked out of my parents house, and starting staying with her.(we'll call her T from now on)

T was 16 at the time if I remember correctly, and I had just turned 18. We had a past relationship although it was very short and at the time I did not take her very seriously. Over time she matured, and the person she became I grew to love. I was struggling and still am struggling with addiction when we got back together. At first this wasn't a problem (or so I thought) because she had just start smoking weed, and was willing try a lot.. my main addiction has always been benzos or opiates. We got along very well, rarely fought, had tons of amazing sex, and became a big part of each others lives. We were in love.

Fast forward about 6 or so months, and we find out she's pregnant. I never once thought of leaving, getting an abortion or anything else of the sort. I became clean for maybe a month and half to get a job, and hopefully stay clean for life. I got a job working maintenance at an apartment complex, and for about another month or so life was going good. I just couldn't help myself from the allure of benzos and opiates, my anxieties have always gotten the best of me. I relapsed, hard. Binged on xanax for a few months and eventually ran out of sources to support the new tolerance attained. Withdrawals and the pain of living life in constant fear pushed me to do many things out of character. Eventually it got to a point where I would steal medication from apartments. As disgusting as this made me feel I could not help myself. To this day I'm ashamed of doing that. My thievery caught up with me, and I ended up losing my job after only being with the company 8 months.
T was never okay with my drug use after becoming pregnant, but drugs had lost recreation for me at the ripe age of 15, so I did everything I could to hide my addiction from her while I was working there.

Soon after that all took place my baby girl (we will call her A) was born. A being born is something I can never describe. It was a very magical, life changing experience. T and I hadn't been getting along so well after the whole incident at my previous job, but our child being born brought us together and at that time I do believe we loved each other very deeply.

About a week later, I was kicked out of Ts house. After we left the hospital I started down a worse addiction than ever before. More times than not I was incoherent and nodding off. It may have been my fear of being a parent, or maybe bringing a child into this world before we were both ready, I don't really know.

Being the bum that I am, I moved back in with my mother. My mother had alway been one of my main sources of drugs, but I had no other choice. Before quitting this time I realized I needed help. Awaiting my room in detox, I never stopped taking valium, hydrocodones, or oxy. In detox they gave me subs and librium taper plans. Detox went well I met a lot of interesting people, got on board with sobriety and really felt I had the tools to break through the cycle off addiction and better myself for A.

Once out I conintued a 4 week out patient program where my suboxone taper was extended for this time period. Sometime in the middle of outpatient T and I got back together to try to work things out. I got a job as a window installer, was clean for about half year and everything was looking up. I had my life, family, and a hopeful outlook on our futures together. Then came income tax.. we made plans to move into an apartment together with another couple we knew. Long story short it did not work out in the slightest. We ended up having to pay they're rent for two months, along with other bills, totalling about 3 grand. They were terrible roommates. Up until we decided to move out, I was still clean, excluding my kratom use. We moved in with my dad and everything went wrong..

My dads house is in the area I grew up in. All my old connects lived there. Maybe a week or so after living there I relapsed. I stayed clear of all opiates, but benzos always had the most appeal to me. T could tell right away. She just knew me so well. They threw anxiety out the window. Shortly after someone at my new job introduced me to meth. I had taken many types of speed before then, but never any as addicting as smoking crystal. I kept it all up for maybe 2 months until T had had enough, and left me for the second time taking A with her. The next day I of course being the brilliant druggie I am took as many benzos as I could, went to work and shortly after blacked out. I lost another job because of fucking drugs..

My dad couldn't handle it anymore, kicked me out, and now I live in the middle of no where. T had been very supportive of me in the past, but I guess I messed up way too many times. Now she rarely talks to me, and I know and accept that every bit of this is my fault.. But I do want us to be a normal family some day. Not just for A, but because I love T with all of my heart and can't really see a future without us being a family, being there for A, as well as spending the rest of our lives together. I really do believe she is one, and I know she used to feel this way too. Could I have really ruined our chance to ever be a happy family? Is there no longer hope for that?

I apologize if this post seems very scattered and long, but my whole world has been turned around. I actually excluded very many details from this long ass story. Only focused on my faults as well, don't get me wrong T has made plenty of mistakes towards me she's not perfect. My hope for the future isn't there without my family.

I have been clean since she left, but need advice on staying clean and trying to rebuild our relationship. This world isn't a place I want to walk alone
 
I honestly don't think this situation is as broken as you may think. You have a lot of people around you that have shown they are willing to support you, love you and allow you to be part of their lives.

This is the sober you though.

Life comes with a lot of problems, things that will test your character, will push you to the edge - your job is to recognize the earlier signs of what is pushing you and fix them before your need to reach for your crutch (insert drug of choice here) or try and hide from them until they have passed (which they don't, they just wait for you to return).

You can see that you can't have a happy balance of recreational drug use, family / working life. You have the choice of getting your life back in order, get back to rehab, show the people that care about youthat you can change, that you can be the loving partner, son and father that they are waiting for.

Good luck
 
firstly, while its awesome that you recognize your own shortcomings and faults, try not to wear them as a deep rooted part of your personality/identity. life and yourself are ever evolving and changing. give yourself a chance to grow. time and experience does this throughout your whole life, and without your permission anyhow. secondly, i too was a youngish parent (21 at the time i had my daughter) and now that she is a teenager i can look back over the years and in awe. when in that situation you are thrust into immediate full responsibility and forget that you too are still growing and learning as an individual. its tough. its something that is expected that you simply adapt to naturally; but your entire life as you know it is tipped upside down and you are suddenly in the passenger seat, and your kid is driving. having children doesnt immediately wipe you of your bad points, addictions and faults, if anything they highlight them and make you feel terribly guilty. my mother always said to me "the day you have children you also give birth to endless guilt" and i never knew what she truly meant, but anyone who is a parent does.

unfortunately i cant promise you that your childs mother and yourself will make amends. i too made mistakes and promises when younger and when making them felt 100% certain that i was making them with conviction, although as earlier mentioned have since grown, and outgrown those promises. i truly hope all of you can find happiness in this situation. whether it be with one another intimately, while separated or simply just peacefully in your situation. good luck with staying clean and best wishes for tomorrow <3

...kytnism...:|
 
"A being born is something I can never describe. It was a very magical, life changing experience."

Yes, it is. And you are missing out on being a father. Getting high, is getting high... and what you are missing his your little girl growing into a toddler, a child, and more... those are things YOU CAN NEVER get back.
Do your best. You have to know you cannot ever touch any of that stuff. Most likely, including drinking alcohol as it will lower your inhibitions and easily get you back into drugs.

You can only relapse so many times... as you burn your bridges. But if you make the effort and stick to it - you have a chance. (Don't hang around your old friends, at all) An EX-GF went down that road, worse than you. She lost everything, lives on the streets for almost 2 years before I ran into her. She was so sick of it. I talked to her family, they gave her a chance. She did get drug free and was welcomed back into her family.

You should look at addicts who are in their 30s~40s, who never got control of themselves. They look much much older... and what they do today, is what you've been doing now. Stealing, not holding jobs, etc. Can you imagine, your worst days when you're trying to get some drugs, being every day... for years?

We've lose friends to drugs. :( They lose their kids or their lives.

Life is stressful, it won't go away. And the drugs you take, don't help at all. They only mask it for a short while and then you have worse problems that makes more stress.

You know what you need to do, and that does give you a fighting chance.

 
I honestly don't think this situation is as broken as you may think. You have a lot of people around you that have shown they are willing to support you, love you and allow you to be part of their lives.

This is the sober you though.

Life comes with a lot of problems, things that will test your character, will push you to the edge - your job is to recognize the earlier signs of what is pushing you and fix them before your need to reach for your crutch (insert drug of choice here) or try and hide from them until they have passed (which they don't, they just wait for you to return).

You can see that you can't have a happy balance of recreational drug use, family / working life. You have the choice of getting your life back in order, get back to rehab, show the people that care about youthat you can change, that you can be the loving partner, son and father that they are waiting for.

Good luck
I like this part about the crutch :)
 
I salute you for trying to get clean. It's not easy but you must persist.

Take each instance at a time, remind yourself that you want to stay clean and you will stay clean.

Every time temptation shows itself, pause (even if your body is itching for you to take it). Pause. Tell yourself you are going to stay clean and will remain clean. Then decide to do something else like telling a friend that you managed to hold yourself from taking something. Tell a supportive friend. Our treat yourself to a nice haircut or good food. Things like that.

Find hobbies that you can fill your time with. The busier you are, the less time you have to think about those substances.

Workout. Aim for a good body. Take more jobs. Maybe aim to save up for your baby's college fund. Take free classes of topics you are interested in. Play sports with your buddies. That's a good workout as well. Aim for something and keep us abreast of your progress. It could be just about anything. Keep busy.

Once again, I appreciate your intention to better yourself.
 
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