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Can I bring y'all into my marriage for a moment?

Beachcat

Beachcat

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 1, 2011
Messages
1,238
Location
In the South, on a beach
Ok, so I am seeking the advice of my fellow SLR friends on how to play this....

At about 6:30 tonight, my husband comes and tells me he is going to an oyster roast at our friends house with my brother in law. He says he will only be there for an hour and a half.

I tell him that I really do not want him to go. I do not want him to go for three reasons:
1. Because I want to hang out with him
2. Because he was already half in the bag and I did not want him out drinking more and driving home
3. Because I know how much of a party house it is that he would be going to and I knew there was no way in hell he would just stay an hour and a half.

So, I tell him all of this. He says, "I won't go if you flat out say no, but I really really want to ". So I say, ok, but promise me you will be home by nine....that gave him two and a half hours. He tells me this is generous, and goes. Before he left, I said "have a good time but if you don't get home by nine I will be very disappointed in you"

So fast forward to now....11:10 pm. I sent him a text a little while ago that just said "seriously?" and got no reply.

So my questions are these....am I overreacting? He is a grown man and can go out when he want, he works hard, is a good husband and father, etc, blah blah blah. Should I not have set a "curfew" as my sister called it when I spoke with her earlier?

When he comes back, should I be a total bitch? My base reaction is to want to be bitchy, but the other part of me that is not insane knows that this is pretty fruitless behavior. If I am really nice, will he just think he got away with something or will he feel really bad?

I just feel so pissed off, but I don't know if I am just being uptight and reacting this way because I feel ignored...

Ideas?
 
yeah you kind of sound like his mom. Be home by 9? shit if i were drunk and my girlfriend told me that, there'd be no hope in hell that i'd be home by 9 if i were having fun. Just let him do his thing if he's not cheating on you or something, instead of making up all these rules and regulations. If i were him i'd feel resentful of the rules and the rule maker but that's just me.

does he spend quality time with you regularly? i think that's the bigger question, if not then there's an issue, if so then you are just being needy and uptight.

my gf and i both lead very busy lives and see each other a few hours a day at most and one day out of the week. I think that's a sufficient amount of time to be with your significant other. It's our schedules that have imposed this limit but it's my preference and not hers. Too much time together is not a good thing at all.
 
I dunno. I've been in your shoes where I don't want to go, but then I'll go do my thing and I don't pay attention to the time. lol The only reason I wouldn't like it is if it's something where I have to worry about him getting a DUI or getting into a wreck. Other than that, maybe I'm just a loner or whatever, but I usually just say "cool...gonna go do my thing and don't care." Does he do it a lot? It's friday night. I'm mostly on his end where I wanna go out with friends and get bitched at for whatever reason. I don't do well with that. I've always responded better to men who don't try to control me.

I can only speak from the person who likes to go out and do stuff. If the guy won't go out with me, I will go out with someone who will. That isn't to say it's all the time, but I consider Friday nights going out nights (as I sit here on BL :| ). If he doesn't do it a lot or just does it on weekends/Friday nights or whatever, I think I would cut him some slack.

That's just me though, and I understand worrying about someone's safety. I had someone die on me, so I can get pretty worried if I don't hear from someone if it's late and they don't text me back. I understand that point. I don't like to go to parties or large social events either, so I probably would have done what you did, but I would take the advantage of him being gone and do my own thing.
 
Curfew? Forget it.

He would be expecting bichiness, has weighed it up and on balance is willing to put up with it to secure his freedom tonight. Having a go at him wont achieve much other than to upset you further.

It is rude of him that he agreed a time with you then didnt let you know about changed circumstances. You do have a right to be cross.

Perhaps message saying your pissed he hasnt gotten in touch and you are worried. Tell him your in bed waiting and to come home now to make it up to you, and it had better be good.
 
RobotRipping said:
does he spend quality time with you regularly? i think that's the bigger question
Click to expand...

I agree.
I think it's pretty difficult to judge based simply on this example, but I feel like this is really stemming from a larger problem. Honestly, I do indeed think you may have overreacted a bit if this is really all there is to it. If he goes out a lot without including you in it and doesn't spend any time with you, I think you were justified. However if that's not the case, he should definitely be allowed a night out with buddies! :) (and I definitely don't think imposing curfews on your husband is a good idea)
Depending on the answer to the previous questions:
If this was just a one-off thing on his part, I wouldn't get mad at him, maybe say you were hoping he'd come back sooner but that's it.
If he always does this and you really do feel like it's a recurring problem, then yeah maybe you should be a bit more pissed off and have a bigger conversation.

Try not to worry about it too much!! <3
 
On a side note...did you say he was already kinda drunk and you were worried about him getting more drunk and then driving? Because if he's already pissed then he shouldn't be driving anywhere! I know i might sound a bit puritanical but i really hate the idea of people driving over the limit with booze. Its fucking dangerous and totally disrespectful to other drivers.

Right, rant over,please continue....
 
Totally overreacting.

I would assume you have kids or else he would have asked you to go. Perhaps he just wants to cut loose with some friends, I'm sure he worked all week, he deserves some 'friends' time. If someone was setting a time limit for me to be home, I would do the same thing he did. Be late. People don't like to be controlled (well some do) and that usually tends to have the opposite effect.
 
Beachcat said:
Ok, so I am seeking the advice of my fellow SLR friends on how to play this....

At about 6:30 tonight, my husband comes and tells me he is going to an oyster roast at our friends house with my brother in law. He says he will only be there for an hour and a half.

I tell him that I really do not want him to go. I do not want him to go for three reasons:
1. Because I want to hang out with him

Ideas?
Click to expand...

Reason #1 is enough for me. If my partner said they wanted to hang out with me, I'd be giving that the priority, anything else is up for discussion but not that, so yeah I think he's been unreasonable - but then I'm probably not your average guy.
 
^yeah given that you're an intimacyaddict lol

i guess i'm a bit biased as well because i dont really like hanging out unless we do things i want to do and i am high. I also hate intimacy, like really don't like it. I don't even like to be touched. My gf and i hang out and do our own thing as we please, if we were always hanging out we would kill each other. If i feel like hanging out and she wants to go do something, that's fine with me and same the other way around. anything else sounds like co-dependency
 
^ Yeah fair comment, but wow, your totally opposite to me, interesting how different we all are. Not sure though if you don't like to be touched how you can have a gf but hey as long as she feels the same it must work
 
I think you need to leave it alone B - fuck it laying down when he shoul be back by - it's a bit ridiculous.

You doing it reminds me of some of my tiffs with my woman - she needed some space, went out to see friends and said she would be back by a certain time, and i GOT PISSED OFF the first few times she didn't fulfill her word, but then I just let it go, because if ya getting intoxicated and there's nothing important to do meaning you should be back by a certain time (like an appointment, pick up children etc), then stuff like this we have to let slide.

You have your whole lives to spend together - plenty of quality time time...I hope you didn't flip on him - the only thing I would say is "don't lie to me again" and be strong about leaving it short and bittersweet, if at all.
 
IntimacyAddict said:
Reason #1 is enough for me. If my partner said they wanted to hang out with me, I'd be giving that the priority, anything else is up for discussion but not that, so yeah I think he's been unreasonable - but then I'm probably not your average guy.
Click to expand...

I had a GF that was like this, co-dependency, it drove me up the f-ing wall. She believed I was better to be single then in a relationship. I think she was just to dependent on me. All my avenues and vices I had for me time always ended up including her.
 
^ yeah that sounds a bit excessive, I was assuming for the OP it was like a one-off or occasional thing, but if my partner expected to do everything together and didn't let me have time on my own, I'd go mad.
 
Great advice, everyone.... Exactly what I was looking for. Thank you.

Yeah, I am not the kind of girl who sets a curfew and usually I am really laid back about him having fun. This was a little different because I didn't know about it in advance, he was already slightly drunk and I thought we were gonna hang out. I think maybe my feelings were hurt.

So, the conclusion was.....I did end up flipping my lid, but not because he was late. When I went downstairs to make sure the door was locked, he was home and asleep on the couch downstairs. He did get my text, knew I was pissed and decided to just avoid confrontation and sleep on the couch. I was SO mad because I was waiting for him and was worried about him, it was completely thoughtless of him.

So I bitched him out and then made him come upstairs, and then I took my aggressions out by fucking him really hard and slapping and scratching his ass with my nails. He actually seemed to really like that. I know I felt better!

I love you guys, this really is good advice, I kind of knew I was being ridiculous but now I can really see it in a real perspective. I will let him off the hook today.
 
Ok, so now that I have read everyone's responses, I feel bad for being such a cunt in the first place...

So, I am thinking that when he gets home from work, I will apologize to him for being such an uptight bitch and tell him that it all stemmed from me just wanting to spend time with him. And then maybe suck his cock really good later. I definitely do not want to be the mother figure in our relationship.

Thanks again.
 
IntimacyAddict said:
Reason #1 is enough for me. If my partner said they wanted to hang out with me, I'd be giving that the priority, anything else is up for discussion but not that, so yeah I think he's been unreasonable - but then I'm probably not your average guy.
Click to expand...

I agree. I also think he was being a douche. I don't like when it my S/O does stuff like that, and I make my best effort to not do it myself.

I'm glad you worked it out beachcat.
 
Beachcat said:
So I bitched him out and then made him come upstairs, and then I took my aggressions out by fucking him really hard and slapping and scratching his ass with my nails. He actually seemed to really like that. I know I felt better!

I love you guys, this really is good advice, I kind of knew I was being ridiculous but now I can really see it in a real perspective. I will let him off the hook today.
Click to expand...

Well played Beachcat, well played...
 
Maybe you've just go to be more upfront with things in the future? Maybe he didn't realize you thought you two were going to hang out. I know that I've kinda planned to hang out with my boyfriend at times, and he doesn't realize it (I'm not clear about it). Does that make sense? He might not have realized that you were supposed to spend time together.

Ahhh, things like this happen. It isn't going to happen all the time, don't worry about it :)
 
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