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Can anyone relate to my life ?

J

jake99

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2009
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I am just wondering if anyone out there has any similar thoughts on their lives...............i consider bluelight a great tool to help feel not so alone and reach out to othher simlar peeps........All feedback is GREATLY appreciated
GREW UP IN FAMILY WHERE MOTHER WAS ALCOHOLIC AND PARENTS DIVORCED WHEN I WAS ABOUT 15, MOTHER PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED FATHER FOR LONG TIME
**************STARTED SMOKING POT AROUND 15 AND DID SO THRU HIGH SCHOOL , TRYING STUFF LIKE PILLS, ECSTASY , ACID TOO, saw many psychiatrists and anti depressants always self medicating with street drugs
********AFTER HIGH SCHOOL WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE BUT ALL I DID WAS GET HIGH SO I DROPPED OUT
************FROM ABOUT 20-25 DEVELOPED BAD DEPRESSION AND HEROIN ADDICTION , WENT TO NUMEROUS HOSPITALS FOR MENTAL HEALTH, GOT ARRESTED MANY TIMES, HAD MANY CRAPPY JOBS AND DROPPED OUT OF COMMUNITY COLLEGE 2 MORE TIMES
AGE 26-28 DID A YEAR IN PRISON , GOT OUT FOR 5 MONTHS , THEN WENT RIGHT BACK FOR 9 MORE MONTHS.......(DRUG CHARGES AND VIOLATING PAROLE REPEATEDLY)
****************AGE 27-28 (NOW) BEEN OUT OF JAIL CLOSE TO 2 YEARS, COMPLETED MY PAROLE, FINISHED A CULINARY ARTS CERTIFICATE AND AM WORKING ON ASSOCIATES DEGREE, STILL CANT KEEP A JOB, BEEN STRUGGLING WITH HEROIN ADDICTION/ ON AND OFF SUBOXONE FOR LAST YEAR OR SO , STILL SUFFER FROM BAD ANXIETY/OCD........I HAVE MONEY MY GRANDFATHER LEFT ME WHEN HE PASSED AWAY THAT I USE TO PAY RENT, SCHOOL, CAR, ETC............MY FATHER IS IN CHARGE OF THIS and can cut me off if he chooses to which would leave me withh no way to get by...........MY MOTHER DID 2 YEARS IN PRISON AS WELL (due to charges my father and stepmother pressed against her) AND SHE HAS BEEN OUT FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS , SHE LIVES WITH MY GRANDMOTHER (HER MOTHER) WHO IS 88. MY MOTHER LOST EVERYTHING WHEN SHE WENT TO PRISON (HOUSE, CAR , ALIMONEY MONEY FROM FATHER) NOW SHE IS TOTALLY ISOLATED FROM SOCIETY AND SO DEPRESSED SHE CANT LEAVE THE HOUSE...........

Life is VERY hard for me on a day to day basis , as i struggle with my addiction/depression still , but i continue to try to hold it together and not end up back in jail or worse..............
I hope to someday have a happy life, stay clean, and be able to get a job to support myself, maybe have a girlfriend, and not have my father ashamed of me , and maybe have my mother get out of her suicidal way of living...........
Honestly this all doesnt look possible to me the way things have been going , as I have recently started to get deeper into the addiction and get very close to gettting in trouble with the law again , but i am trying to work with N.A., get away from the opiates, and see therapist for depression so that i can stay in school, get my degree..........etc etc..............not let my father down who has stuck with me through all my b.s. all these years
i am 28 and feel as if i have wasted the last 15 years of my life mainly due to drugs/depression/trouble....................Honestly the only time I feel content with life is on heroin but it is what is destroying me at the same time , so I will keep trying to learn to live clean and hope i can , I did have 15 months clean a few years ago while on drug court but ended up relapsing ,, which led to my prison bids...............
would LOVE to hear any feedback , whether you hate me , love me, think im a loser, or are here to support me , i wanna hear it all !
 
I think that if i can stay clean long enough , be succsesfull in finishing my degree, get better job , girlfriend, stay out of trouble , get better with family id be happier..............but it seems i am so impatient that when my depression hits me on a day to day basis and i know some dope will make all my pain go away , if i have money and a way to cop , then i do ...........but if i can kick and get rid of the physical addiction i think id start feeling better. My plan was for Suboxone to help do this but i used it wrong way and just used it as backup for when i couldnt get dope..............now I am going to probably have to fill my last 30 subs and wean with them because i lost my job so i cant afford to stay on subs too llong
 
I think MANY people on Bluelight can relate to opiate related depression(myself included). The only way I have been able to keep my addictions and blend in is because I walked myself down to hydrocodone with only a little ms contin(not daily, just when I give in). I keep a full time job, have a steady g/f who I live with, and am close with family who haven't a clue. There is not much to be said about how to actually "get over" the opiate related depression...just keep your head up and try to keep your use reasonable if you know what I mean.
 
Once you have a dope habit its pretty tough to keep your use "reasonable" and even if you kick the phsycial habit , the PAWS get you
 
Yes - I can definately relate to your earlier years - on a basic level they pretty much mirror my own - even down to age and I am around your age now - although my dad was the alcoholic. I'm still an opiate user.
 
my job was pantry in reestaurant in casino . was fired
hey coopie , what do you use, dope ?
 
get on methadone asap

jake99 said:
I am just wondering if anyone out there has any similar thoughts on their lives...............i consider bluelight a great tool to help feel not so alone and reach out to othher simlar peeps........All feedback is GREATLY appreciated
GREW UP IN FAMILY WHERE MOTHER WAS ALCOHOLIC AND PARENTS DIVORCED WHEN I WAS ABOUT 15, MOTHER PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED FATHER FOR LONG TIME
**************STARTED SMOKING POT AROUND 15 AND DID SO THRU HIGH SCHOOL , TRYING STUFF LIKE PILLS, ECSTASY , ACID TOO, saw many psychiatrists and anti depressants always self medicating with street drugs
********AFTER HIGH SCHOOL WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE BUT ALL I DID WAS GET HIGH SO I DROPPED OUT
************FROM ABOUT 20-25 DEVELOPED BAD DEPRESSION AND HEROIN ADDICTION , WENT TO NUMEROUS HOSPITALS FOR MENTAL HEALTH, GOT ARRESTED MANY TIMES, HAD MANY CRAPPY JOBS AND DROPPED OUT OF COMMUNITY COLLEGE 2 MORE TIMES
AGE 26-28 DID A YEAR IN PRISON , GOT OUT FOR 5 MONTHS , THEN WENT RIGHT BACK FOR 9 MORE MONTHS.......(DRUG CHARGES AND VIOLATING PAROLE REPEATEDLY)
****************AGE 27-28 (NOW) BEEN OUT OF JAIL CLOSE TO 2 YEARS, COMPLETED MY PAROLE, FINISHED A CULINARY ARTS CERTIFICATE AND AM WORKING ON ASSOCIATES DEGREE, STILL CANT KEEP A JOB, BEEN STRUGGLING WITH HEROIN ADDICTION/ ON AND OFF SUBOXONE FOR LAST YEAR OR SO , STILL SUFFER FROM BAD ANXIETY/OCD........I HAVE MONEY MY GRANDFATHER LEFT ME WHEN HE PASSED AWAY THAT I USE TO PAY RENT, SCHOOL, CAR, ETC............MY FATHER IS IN CHARGE OF THIS and can cut me off if he chooses to which would leave me withh no way to get by...........MY MOTHER DID 2 YEARS IN PRISON AS WELL (due to charges my father and stepmother pressed against her) AND SHE HAS BEEN OUT FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS , SHE LIVES WITH MY GRANDMOTHER (HER MOTHER) WHO IS 88. MY MOTHER LOST EVERYTHING WHEN SHE WENT TO PRISON (HOUSE, CAR , ALIMONEY MONEY FROM FATHER) NOW SHE IS TOTALLY ISOLATED FROM SOCIETY AND SO DEPRESSED SHE CANT LEAVE THE HOUSE...........

Life is VERY hard for me on a day to day basis , as i struggle with my addiction/depression still , but i continue to try to hold it together and not end up back in jail or worse..............
I hope to someday have a happy life, stay clean, and be able to get a job to support myself, maybe have a girlfriend, and not have my father ashamed of me , and maybe have my mother get out of her suicidal way of living...........
Honestly this all doesnt look possible to me the way things have been going , as I have recently started to get deeper into the addiction and get very close to gettting in trouble with the law again , but i am trying to work with N.A., get away from the opiates, and see therapist for depression so that i can stay in school, get my degree..........etc etc..............not let my father down who has stuck with me through all my b.s. all these years
i am 28 and feel as if i have wasted the last 15 years of my life mainly due to drugs/depression/trouble....................Honestly the only time I feel content with life is on heroin but it is what is destroying me at the same time , so I will keep trying to learn to live clean and hope i can , I did have 15 months clean a few years ago while on drug court but ended up relapsing ,, which led to my prison bids...............
would LOVE to hear any feedback , whether you hate me , love me, think im a loser, or are here to support me , i wanna hear it all !
Click to expand...
 
theotherside26 said:
I think MANY people on Bluelight can relate to opiate related depression(myself included). The only way I have been able to keep my addictions and blend in is because I walked myself down to hydrocodone with only a little ms contin(not daily, just when I give in). I keep a full time job, have a steady g/f who I live with, and am close with family who haven't a clue. There is not much to be said about how to actually "get over" the opiate related depression...just keep your head up and try to keep your use reasonable if you know what I mean.
Click to expand...

yeah man...this is just my opinion...but I feel like once you reach a certain point with heroin..or oxy for that matter...any strong opiates, there is just no turning back regarding responsibility, rational thinking, and reasonable dosages/use

no matter what I eventually spiral out of control, I might catch hold of the reigns for a little but it dont last long and its all gone soon.
 
yeah i feel ok now took 8 mg sub today , working better than the 2 mg i was taking
 
shady K?

Yeah it sounded like you weren't taking enough sub before. If your worried about the dirty test at the Dr's there's a coupe ways to deal, come clean and admit you screwed up a good Dr wil realise relapses wil be a part of getting/staying clean, or either play dumb see what he says or if your anxiety soars over it then find a new Dr. The last time I posted I mentioned the right amount of sub taking care of the cravings, most people still get some cravings early on, although a lot weaker in nature. You had said something about wanting to get high, that's the thing about sub, it only works when you want to stay clean and change your life to one without drugs. I didn't word it right, it's different for everyone. I don't crave because I want to get high, or nod. I get cravings because of stress,anxiety and depression. I don't get high anymore, that stopped a few years ago. Anyhow, I still think that the right amount will make the difference for you if your truly sick of the addiction lifestyle. I'm not the poster boy for success, lack of any type of recovery other than taing sub keeps me from beating this shit. I'm pretty sure going to group would make a word of difference once I get my sorry ass there. I'd say try and make some kind of change in your life in addition to taking thwe sub to increase your odds of staying clean.
 
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