I have been reading blue light a looooooong time. Had an account and never properly introduced myself. Ive been checking back the last two days and feel so close to you all, you guys understand... we're (for the most part) like minded and on the same page.
Sooo about me:
Im an alcoholic and opiate and benzo addict. Ive been sober for 490 days today...went to rehab for three months after I got out of jail and then a halfway house. Thats what I needed. Ive done some of the most amazing things in sobriety...sat in native american sweat lodges, walked on 800 degree coals, bungee jumped, loved and felt the human condition. I dont say the word clean, thats a dirty word for me. Im not addicted to "everything" as some aa's and na's will tell you. Im not addicted to marijuana. Or ecstacy...lsd shrooms 2cb etc etc. If I wanted to, I could take one of these substances tonight and not wake up tomorrow shaking tweaking wanting some more. Im not PHYSICALLY addicted to them. My alcoholism and addiction to benzos (xanax) and opiates (everything) is VERY physical. Along with mental. However where these drugs are concerned I am still psychologically attracted (to say the least) and addicted in some cases (cocaine, mdma, yep)
Before I went to jail I swear as for an addict in active addiction I had it made. I had scripts upon scripts, money constantly coming in (im an audio engineer by profession and that shit PAYS and swim was selling plenty narcotics, as well as growing and manufacturing papaver som.) I worked hard and played hard. I have had several run ins with the legal system because I wanted to be a badass. I went to rehab for the first time at a young age and was drinking daily and suffering minor wd's by age 16. Its funny ecause it all started with me wanting to explore my mind.. with diphenhydramine, nutmeg, cannabis, dextromethorphan, stuff like that. But when I found alcohol and opiates things went downhill. I always wanted more...whether there was a physical craving along with the mental or not. I found myself depressed and hopeless after my dad died. Being a trauma victim and unable to see any reason to hold on, I attempted suicide. However, someone knew. I dont know how they knew but cops came responding to a welfare check and arrested me. All i wanted to do is take my life and these guys takin me away? I was pissed. From there I woke up in the mental hospital much different than the ones I had been to before. Dried out and had never been so sick. Long story short as soon as I left there I finished my time in jail and now am finishing it on community corrections. I was withdrawing from 3 years of 16 mg of buprenorphine daily, 6 years of 3mg daily xanax (this is just what the prescription said, always more) and a fifth a day for.. on and off 6 years. Needless to say I didnt have a solid shit for 3+ months (thanks to opiates and opioids) and still am clammy/sweaty today after a year clean (thanks opiates and opioids) and and occasionally shaky/ have short quick muscle spasms (probably alcohol and suboxone altogether maybe xanax too...this has recently gone in remission as far as I can tell)... but ive learned to live with it. My life was hell with/or without drugs. With them I was putting lives in danger including my own. Neary lost my arm. 2 felonies and countless legal problems. My family feared me. Without them I was miserable, felt like id die and almost did. Without them my family was still in fear and id do anything to get them.
things have evened out over the last year and 4 months sober...but somehow ive gotten sick again. Mental turmoil...my way of thinking, negativity and cynicism is keeping me a prisoner. Sometimes I see glimpses of freedom and peace in sobriety but its not always roses. Sometimes ive wanted to get high/drunk so bad and have come so close that the fear of losing everything is incredible. I just got my license back and a car, an appartment and am due to be released from community corrections in july. I think if I can just hold off until im off probation...if I can just hold off. Im so close. My life has always revolved around looking forward...that next check, that next phone call, next visit, the next appeal. Im scared.
and so I see there are these research opioids...benzos...and this new synthetic alcohol coming out. id hate to use without a prescription, I remember the hell that was, cuz even with the script I was a junkie. But its so appealing... I want to glamorize it. That feeling....its calling out to me. My love. My blanket... And my hate, my confusion...and I cant afford to take hold. It hurts. The sad thing is its as if I could arrange the world to my liking I could use in peace. But I cant...and as long as im using or drinking the world can do whatever it wants with me.
Thanks for reading
Sooo about me:
Im an alcoholic and opiate and benzo addict. Ive been sober for 490 days today...went to rehab for three months after I got out of jail and then a halfway house. Thats what I needed. Ive done some of the most amazing things in sobriety...sat in native american sweat lodges, walked on 800 degree coals, bungee jumped, loved and felt the human condition. I dont say the word clean, thats a dirty word for me. Im not addicted to "everything" as some aa's and na's will tell you. Im not addicted to marijuana. Or ecstacy...lsd shrooms 2cb etc etc. If I wanted to, I could take one of these substances tonight and not wake up tomorrow shaking tweaking wanting some more. Im not PHYSICALLY addicted to them. My alcoholism and addiction to benzos (xanax) and opiates (everything) is VERY physical. Along with mental. However where these drugs are concerned I am still psychologically attracted (to say the least) and addicted in some cases (cocaine, mdma, yep)
Before I went to jail I swear as for an addict in active addiction I had it made. I had scripts upon scripts, money constantly coming in (im an audio engineer by profession and that shit PAYS and swim was selling plenty narcotics, as well as growing and manufacturing papaver som.) I worked hard and played hard. I have had several run ins with the legal system because I wanted to be a badass. I went to rehab for the first time at a young age and was drinking daily and suffering minor wd's by age 16. Its funny ecause it all started with me wanting to explore my mind.. with diphenhydramine, nutmeg, cannabis, dextromethorphan, stuff like that. But when I found alcohol and opiates things went downhill. I always wanted more...whether there was a physical craving along with the mental or not. I found myself depressed and hopeless after my dad died. Being a trauma victim and unable to see any reason to hold on, I attempted suicide. However, someone knew. I dont know how they knew but cops came responding to a welfare check and arrested me. All i wanted to do is take my life and these guys takin me away? I was pissed. From there I woke up in the mental hospital much different than the ones I had been to before. Dried out and had never been so sick. Long story short as soon as I left there I finished my time in jail and now am finishing it on community corrections. I was withdrawing from 3 years of 16 mg of buprenorphine daily, 6 years of 3mg daily xanax (this is just what the prescription said, always more) and a fifth a day for.. on and off 6 years. Needless to say I didnt have a solid shit for 3+ months (thanks to opiates and opioids) and still am clammy/sweaty today after a year clean (thanks opiates and opioids) and and occasionally shaky/ have short quick muscle spasms (probably alcohol and suboxone altogether maybe xanax too...this has recently gone in remission as far as I can tell)... but ive learned to live with it. My life was hell with/or without drugs. With them I was putting lives in danger including my own. Neary lost my arm. 2 felonies and countless legal problems. My family feared me. Without them I was miserable, felt like id die and almost did. Without them my family was still in fear and id do anything to get them.
things have evened out over the last year and 4 months sober...but somehow ive gotten sick again. Mental turmoil...my way of thinking, negativity and cynicism is keeping me a prisoner. Sometimes I see glimpses of freedom and peace in sobriety but its not always roses. Sometimes ive wanted to get high/drunk so bad and have come so close that the fear of losing everything is incredible. I just got my license back and a car, an appartment and am due to be released from community corrections in july. I think if I can just hold off until im off probation...if I can just hold off. Im so close. My life has always revolved around looking forward...that next check, that next phone call, next visit, the next appeal. Im scared.
and so I see there are these research opioids...benzos...and this new synthetic alcohol coming out. id hate to use without a prescription, I remember the hell that was, cuz even with the script I was a junkie. But its so appealing... I want to glamorize it. That feeling....its calling out to me. My love. My blanket... And my hate, my confusion...and I cant afford to take hold. It hurts. The sad thing is its as if I could arrange the world to my liking I could use in peace. But I cant...and as long as im using or drinking the world can do whatever it wants with me.
Thanks for reading
